Thank you everyone for listening .. this has been super helpful to be heard.. I think Thanksgiving went well, well I like to think so and now we are back into reality! SO today he had to go to work and I stayed home with the girls. He told me he would like to be back home by 2pm and now its 4:30pm and ho signs of him� I called him at 2pm to ask him how his day was going and about what time will he be home and if he would be interested in me getting a babysitter for tomorrow so we can go get some Christmas shopping done� we got in a argument and I ended the call by saying I am sorry that I called� so I texted him later to tell him I loved him and that I didn�t want o fight � nothing .. This is so typical of him, now he most likely will not be home until 7pm, will make up some what in my mind will sound like an excuse � so not I am feeling hurt and rejected which will make it really hard for me to be kind and loving when he gets home � so now most likely will we just not talk for another night � Please someone tell him how to fix this!!

Slow down...how exactly did you end up in an argument? Who said what?

Did you mean to write 'him' in that last sentence?

I am not even sure what happened in that argument � he said he was putting a desk together for an employee who started this week, which I thought that he already did on Monday and I said �ya right you are just playing the game�� I kinda kidding� he got pissed at me and I ended the call my saying �I am sorry I called� then the text came and nothing � he just tried calling me from his office and cell phone I didn�t pick up because I am not even sure what to say right now� no �the last statement was to read �please tell me how to fix this?� sorry and thank you

This is what happened in the argument:

You sassed him and called him a liar.

You say to him now, "I'm sorry I smarted off earlier. It is something I am trying to work on and it would be helpful to me if you would help me see it when I do it, without getting angry. It's a habit I've had for a long time, and I want to stop."

Once the situation is diffused, you can come back and discuss your need to have accurate and consistent information on his daily schedule. I know how maddening it is to have inaccurate information. You can tell him in a way that doesn't so much 'call him out' as it clearly conveys how trust-damaging it is.

Thank you for telling me the truth.... I texted him excectly what you said.... and it felt really good to tell him that! thank you!

It does NOT automatically mean he is fooling around. The two of you sound ripe for a PA. But please do not jump to conclusions.

You could ask him: "Why are we so mad at each other? How can we fix this? Can we start by going to bed together? I would like to hug and kiss good night. Maybe we can agree to have more scheduled sex? There is less pressure that way... who initiaties, who wins the power game..."

About the mushrooms and then again about the desk at work.. your fuses are really short.

ABout work, I finally came to understand from my wife that it wasn't the work... it wasn't the long hours... it wasn't the unpredictable quitting time (sometimes it gets busy late in the day and you are genuinely stuck at the office). Its the lack of communication. She just wants to know where am I going today.. what am I doing... call at 3.. at 4... at 5... Text if you're late. Explain and be specific. Maybe your H planned to be home at 2:00 but something came up. Tell him if he just called at 1:50 to explain you'd be fine. And call again with an update at 3:00. It just communication and respect. You appreciate how hard he works and provides and the stresses he undertakes for the family.

CWMI.. it worked � the text I sent him. He must have been on the way home or something because about five minutes later he walked through the door and the first thing he did, which is something we have practice but never been able to do with sincerity, give a me big hug and he really meant it! It felt good!! THANK YOU!!! We have gone to counseling and never have gotten this spot on advice before�its like they were sugar coating things not to hurt our feelings. I want to save this relationship and if I am being a idiot about something I need to told, just like you did. Thank you!

Stretch123� I think the idea of being cheating on again just really kills me. An affairs is one of the many contributing factors that killed my first marriage and I am not sure if I can go through that pain again!
I like the questions you included, I have asked similar questions nut I always ten do say �you� instead of we�. I think that changing them will help.
I have a very short tempter� and my moodiness that is something I need to work on.
As for work, what you stated is how I feel as well. I get it that there are times things come up and there is a sudden change of plans. I get it that he is the owner of the business and needs to set the right example for the people who work there or just simply needs to be there. I understand all of that, but what you said, the lack of communication just kills all of my understanding.. Definitely another issue in our relationship� thank you

I just wanted to say that I have gone to counseling for almost 6 months and being on this website/program for less than a week I have gotten more productive advice then from the 6 months of counseling. Thank you for your support and understanding!

That advice was really good because it targets what was the actual problem in the moment - your own sass. One of the great signs of interdependent (and thus healthy!) couples are that both people can acknowledge their own issues and actually work on those.

If there's no PA, there's still a ton of time and opportunity to fix this. Stop with the sass...the sarcasm...the worries...the judgments of his fidelity. Just stop. You looked, he's clean. It's time to work your behind off on filling the love bank for as long as it takes. Stop telling him what he "should" do or should have done. Stop demanding anything from him (if you ask and he says no - be OK with it...not the war, just a battle). No outbursts period. Create some calm space where he can feel safe talking to you. That's why he came home with a hug today - he didn't think he was walking in to a massacre. He knew you were working on your own stuff...which will set the example for him to eventually work on his. This stuff works - it just takes forever lol.

Jardin� Time I guess is all we have. I hate the fact that we can�t just snap our fingers and make things better. I am really trying to let go of my own personal fears, I already had one failed marriage I don�t know what I would do if I had to do this again, so I think I tend to focus on every little thing that is negative about him and immediately envision how that one thing will ruin our marriage/relationship.
By the way are you sure you are not my spouse because that is what he tells me time after time after time and I can�t seem to be able to let go and just accept things. I did tell him one time that I have convinced myself that he is cheating on me� and that I am trying really hard to reverse that, but is not as simple as one may think. He respected what I said and was very understanding.
Thank you!! I will work very hard to try to reverse my craziness. This website really has been helping in ways I have never thought it was possible.

My older daughter is 11 and recently started her menstrual cycle. Her hormones are all over the place and her moods are just as bad as mine�. When I look at her I realize what a pain in a butt I can be and really want to change and work on myself and set a better example for her. Her relationship with her step dad has always been really good, they have been buddies from the beginning and she looks up to him well at least used to. Her step dad is good and very involved but can also be less tolerant when compared to me, which yes creates opportunities for her to play us a little�. We work very hard to be on the same page, but well it doesn�t always happen.
In recent months things have gone from bad to worse between them. About a month ago she told me she wants us to move out. I told her that we need to sleep on it and think about such drastic decision and we should never make them based on one little feeling we have� When we talked the next day she was better, and then eventually things got much better but since yesterday things started to go back to the same feelings she is angry with her step dad about every little thing � I suggested to her step dad to spend more time with her and maybe that would help, and tried to explain to her that she needs to worry about her own actions before she starts criticizing others� but I don�t think that I am even close� What can I say to her and him to encourage them to see I to eye better? Or is this just a phase that we all will have to get through
Please help!

Have you ever received any CBT? It's good for learning how to shift those hard, ugly, compulsive thoughts.

A free mini online version: http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Jardin, I went through the resource you have provided, good stuff. I have done that a few times before and yes I defiantly worry too much which develops into some type of anxiety, I need to work on that and find ways to turn it into something more productive/positive. I think some of these worry/anxiety related thoughts are still lingering from my previous marriage and how much I was hurt by that individual. He cheated on me, he was hiding drug addition from me, he was a heavy drinker, and during the divorce there was some mental/physical abuse, which I believe was the side effect of his additions, but ultimately me and the kids paid for. Any advice on how I can eliminate/limit some of the fears that are still lingering around from my previous relationship so I don�t bring that baggage into this one?

Ohhh Goodnesss I about to fell of my chair at work in a good way!! I have been sitting here trying to come up with a plan in my head on how to fix our marriage. I don�t want to introduce husband to MB just yet, until I know for sure that there is no EA or PA and until I know for sure the he wants to work on things. So today (tonight), thanks to a post from 4hope, I was going to try to better understand his needs in a sneaky way � card game � 6 pink/6 blue � each one of us lists EN. I was just going to offer it to him � fill mine out and hope to GOD that within a week or so he would do his.

In the meantime, I have been feeling so completely rejected because I have been really trying and this morning I have left him a voice mail that I was going to the drug store at lunch today to get some contact solution and wanted to know if there is something he needed. AND NOTHING � a text � e-mail � anything would have been better than the silence�. And then an e-mail came through entitled �Thank you� I was scared to open it and was certain it was going to be something that is going to make me feel like crap but this is what it said� �I know you have been trying hard to make things better for us, especially on your end of things and I do recognize that and appreciate it a lot, I am sorry that things at work are not going the same way with me, and unfortunately you are losing a bit of me lately, I will get through this and be back on track soon believe me!!�

I needed to hear that � I cried � and read it couple of times! Thank you everyone for listening and your support!!

I don�t know what to do here� I have analyzed this whole thing over and over and over again � my conclusion is that the game is the other woman and he lies about how much time he really spends playing. I guess it comes down to jealousy, wow that sounds rather pathetic! The game is defiantly the other woman, he makes excuses he has to work late and he plays the game� he stays up late playing the game�. How should I proceed?
I have not told him much, I wanted to make some good deposits into the old LB, but I think I just took some out because I said some things because I was hurt and jealous about this stupid game and instead of just saying that I just let my emotions talk. Stupid I!! He said something about my emotions, but I am so hurt that I can�t say anything meaningful without crying. I walked away saying that I want to work on our relationship, and I am sorry about this right now. Grrr I am an idiot,�. What to do?? I have not been sleeping much �

Oh, you are quite right in some respects. He is committing actions similar to an affair to play his game. His time and attention is going to the game, he alters his behavior and lies to play it because it displeases you. In all these aspects, the game is "the other woman."

Except, it isn't another woman. It can't be reasoned with, or bargained with, or exposed. It isn't flesh and blood, it can't "replace" you.

It is a threat to your marriage because of his behavior with it.

So, then what? Well - Plan A!

Hell, surprise him some night. Go buy a sexy little outfit, pop out some time (heck, set him up - let him hit one of his late night sessions while you get prepared) stand in front of him, and say "Why don't you get off your computer, and get on this?"

Ok, ok, ok. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But, seriously. Plan A your little patootie off.

I know when I was gaming heavily, we had what we called "Rule 2." If the wife was asking for my time, it was simply "Rule 2 fellas" and I was off the game.

Plan A ... a little problem with that ... he dosn't want me right now ... so I am scared of being rejected!!

Oh dam it � I think I just made things super bad� He told me he does not want to hear a word out of me for a long time!! I need some duck tape, or simply no matter what I say is the wrong thing to say?
What do couples do for fun�. How does everyone meet the 15+ hours a week of UA??
This gaming things, is that a normal thing people do?? I feel so confused!!