It's really slow around here on holiday weekends.

I do have a question about what you said in your initial post:


That's 26 years all together. You're 40. Were you married at 14 the first time?

Thanks for the response. I was starting to feel like I did something wrong to not get very many responses. I know Waywards and especially WWs are not very popular here but I have been reading this site for awhile and love how people are brutally honest at times.

No, I got married at 18 and I'm almost 41. I was divorced at 35 and then met my now husband about 6 months after my divorce.

BH,

You haven't done anything wrong. It is just that everyone is on vacation for Thanksgiving. You asked a lot of questions, but first you must answer one for me.

Do you want to be married to your H and if so why? You need to honestly answer this because it determines how to proceed.

However, I will say that no matter your decision, there are things you need to learn. Let's start with the obvious.

If hurting the other person isn't a good strategy and I think you now agree that it is not, then what would be a good strategy given what you have read here and what we have been talking about?

Let's put this in the order of importance. First you must have a goal, hence my first question. Next, you must have a strategy, Hence this last question. AND THEN you need a plan.

Don't start planning until you have worked out the first two parts OK? It is also why you are having a hard time coming up with a plan.

I will give you a few ideas for you to consider. First step is you must be true to yourself, your beliefs, your boundaries, and your needs. Violating this just leads to lying and eventually cheating (yourself and/or others). This suggests that there must be a step before this right? You must know your needs, you must know your boundaries and you must know yourself. Start with these things.

Notice we are not talking about your marriage yet? You don't know if you want to be married to him or not. Please remember that to answer this question you must realize that you talking about the MAN your H is now, not how he could be, he was, or how he will be.

Lots more to say but let's start there OK?

Trust me you can do this and you will come out of this much more comfortable with yourself, and much more aware of the type of relationship that will reward you and allow you to enjoy and reward the other person.

God Bless,

JL

[quote=Just Learning]BH,

You haven't done anything wrong. It is just that everyone is on vacation for Thanksgiving. You asked a lot of questions, but first you must answer one for me.

Do you want to be married to your H and if so why? You need to honestly answer this because it determines how to proceed.

Thanks JL I have been anxiously waiting for your direction. To answer your question my heart says yes but my mind says no. I want all the lying and cheating to stop. I told my Husband that I am on a path to make myself better and if you are there at the end then we will be together and if not then I guess we will not be.

However, I will say that no matter your decision
If hurting the other person isn't a good strategy and I think you now agree that it is not, then what would be a good strategy given what you have read here and what we have been talking about?

So from what I have read a good strategy would be to figure out why I have weak boundaries and stop the AO and DJ. I have figured out that I have crossed the line many times in the past with flirting and bantering. Am I even on the right track to your question for a strategy or am I off base?

I also have a problem with pride. For the 17 years of my marriage I did all the right things. I didn't even really have AO because I was too busy working and going to school and taking care of my 3 kids. Then when my job sent me away for training my first H said "I want this to be like a seperation and the kids and I will not come and visit you at all". My company would have paid for all the tickets for them to come out. So I was pissed and stupid me had the affair. My first husband didn't even want to try and work things out because I wasn't honest with him I knew I messed up and I took the easy way out and filed for divorce and then my 3 kids and I moved acoross country to where my job transferred me. My poor kids, in all this, are the true victims.

So I am working on the anger where did all this anger come from and the guilt I feel is overwhelming at times. I think maybe this is punishment and karma coming back on me and maybe I just have to suffer the pain of it all?

No he has not told me the whole truth. Yes I am very willing to tell him everything and I have.

You hit the nail on the head that he is from a family of liars. He did not even know who his real father was until he was 21. He always believed his stepfather was his real dad. His mom lied on his birth certificate and it caused many problems when he enlisted in the Navy.

Brain,

Well, just looking in here to catch up.

If you need to ask 'does anyone have a plan'...for my life and my marriage, then I feel very sorry for your husband. Think about that a long long time, and fess up to your affair. Otherwise you should consider attempting to waste not only your time but the time of others' here.

Good luck!

Tom

BH,

I'm not going to be on the computer for the next day or so. However, you are starting to get the idea here. This is definitely on the right track.

Got any idea why your first husband acted as he did? Think needs. I don't know any more than you have said, but if you were working fulltime, going to school, and had 3 children, I'm betting your H was way way done on the "to do list" and decided he did not like that position.

If this guess is correct, consider how you might have handled that marriage for a bit. Do it in light of what you are learning here. I'm asking you this because you past should have been a learning experience before this present marriage. It was not, but it is not too late to learn.

It will help you in addressing your current situation and your future. Stopping AO's and DJ's is an excellent thing to do. Let me ask you do you use AO's and DJ's at work or with your friends? If you don't and I'm guessing you don't why would it be OK for the most important person in your life?

If you do learning not to use them will help you in all phases of your life.

So consider what your boundaries are, and what you would like them to be and let's discuss them as well.

You ended this by saying You have no idea how this last set of sentences saddens me. You are right your poor kids. They lost their home, they lost their family, and essentially they lost their Dad. Yes he is in their life...sort of, but not full time.

Your H lost his children, his family, and his wife.

You lost your family, your husband, your self-respect, your sense of pride, and you remarried poorly.

Everyone loses. Time to stop and start anew don't you think?

Lot's to think about. But, you can do this if you really decide to do it.

God Bless,

JL

PS: In all of your thinking the policies of radical honesty and joint agreement should show up.

How would/could the Navy or any military branch know who the dad is but the name put down on a BC?

Tom,
I did fess up to my first H and I have apologized to him and our children.

I also have apologized to my now H for the online and EA.

I'm trying to ask what I need to do next.

When he enlisted in the Navy and had to get his Birth certificate that is when he found out what name she put on his BC and that is when he found out that his stepdad was not even his real father. I just happened to mention the Navy because that is when he found out eveything.

[quote=Just Learning]

Got any idea why your first husband acted as he did? If this guess is correct, consider how you might have handled that marriage for a bit. Do it in light of what you are learning here. I'm asking you this because you past should have been a learning experience before this present marriage. It was not, but it is not too late to learn.

I know that I was not meeting my first H Needs. I know now after reading and learning here I definitely would have handled everything in my first marriage differently. I am part of that percent that Dr. Harley is talking about when an affair is the reason people divorced. I would have told my first H before the divorce and been honest. I would not have ran away from my sin and got divorced.

Let me ask you do you use AO's and DJ's at work or with your friends? If you don't and I'm guessing you don't why would it be OK for the most important person in your life?

No I do not use AO at work and if I DJ, I don't say it out loud.
If you do learning not to use them will help you in all phases of your life.

This is exaclty what I want to do, make my life and me better.
So consider what your boundaries are, and what you would like them to be and let's discuss them as well.

I know what boundaries are and I have them but when I get mad at H then I get weak boundaries.
Everyone loses. Time to stop and start anew don't you think?

This is my goal.

I use to be a very honest person and ever since I committed my affair against my first H I have become a liar and I don't go to church anymore. I want to stop the cycle and I'm trying.

I'm trying my best to apply MB principles but I could use some help with some direction.

What else should I be doing?

Do I try and Plan A while he is deployed? I'm trying not to Lovebust while he's gone.
Am I off base on my plan?

I did send the Harley's an email but haven't heard back yet.

BH,

I'm trying my best to apply MB principles but I could use some help with some direction.

Just keep doing what you are doing, even if this does not work out your next relationship will be better.

God Bless
Gamma

Is it fair of me to not want to stay in this relationship when I have caused half the damage?

It is too difficult to be away from him during his deployment when he had the EA again, right before he left.

I am trying my best to Plan A but I just don't know if I can do this when this marriage is so damaged.

How do you know when what you have been doing is enough and you have to walk away? I don't want to make the same mistake as I did in my first marriage but I don't want to stay in a unhealthy marriage.I'm trying to learn from my mistakes.

What if the other person is too damaged and can't be repaired then it is hopeless, right?

FOGBABBLE!

Get serious @BrainHurts. Do you want to work on saving your marriage?

What are YOU doing NOW to help recover your marriage?

That is what I'm struggling with. There is so much damage done is it repairable?

If he hadn't been deployed then I would say we had a chance but being thousand miles apart is the worse because we all know what Dr. Harley says about being apart over night and then you add that he had another EA Right before he left.

So this is what I've been doing.

Trying to Plan A but how do you do this when he tells me about all the other guys that are cheating on their wives and you think I have confidence that he isn't?

Trying to stop all Lovebusters, failed last night when I heard about the other men.

Read SSA and HN/HN

Reading and learning from the website and trying to fix me

What else can I be doing?

BH,

Why don't you ask your H about his feeling concerning the marriage? After all he is running around as well or was. He might want the freedom and is too chicken to say it.

If he wants to remain married, it is fair to ask him why and what he plans to do to change things. It is more than fair to explain to him how your perspective on things is changing and why you want to remain married.

My point is that you should use the policy of joint agreement, POJA, even when considering divorce or remaining married. Negotiate until you are both enthusiastic about the decision and then proceed.

It might mean getting a divorce, it might mean a renewed effort on both of your parts to save this marriage.

BUT, what all of this should mean to you, is that you continue to learn, grow, and become a woman that knows how to conduct a relationship so that it is a win-win relationship. You have a ways to go, but you are working on it. This to your credit and you should be congratulated for this.

Honesty, and the use of Harley's two policies will help you find the resolution you seek.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for that excellent advice and I did ask him.

He said yes he wants to stay married and that I'm his wife and that we will work on our marriage and that it is very difficult being miles away from his family.

So I will continue plan A and stop Lovebusters. I'll give it to the Lord.

BH,

Don't just plan A, reread the articles on the four rules for a good marriage. Read about needs and how to find out what your and your spouses are. Learn about love busters and practice avoiding them.

Finally, work on your boundaries, they will help you make many important decisions. Cloud and Townsend have a book entitled "Boundaries" that is very complete.

This is the time to really address your issues, your perspective on marriage and life, and become a woman that you respect.

God Bless,

JL