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My husband of nearly 11 years has asked for a divorce on Labor Day weekend....he has since filed the papers and they've been on his desk ready to get signed.... I've been working hard to change the things that drove him to choose the way out.....working out (I've lost 15 lbs since the announcement)....got college arrangements started (just need to wait for my transcripts translation since I'm a foreign national)....keeping the house neater.... He giving me mixed messages by signing his part of the divorce decree already (even though I thought we had to do that together in front of a notary public  ....having sex with me....cuddling with me at night....getting along great with me....no fighting, bickering, nothing.... I don't really know where we stand because of this....when we talk about it it sounds like he won't reconsider, but then his actions speak differently.... Now I've read about the 180 and I'm wanting to try it, but I'm worried that not having physical contact with him anymore will pi** him off and make him believe that he's doing the right thing, since apparently I don't care enough to have sex with him (one issue we've had throughout the marriage started with our 1st child....I was too tired from working full time and caring for the child and home).... I'm worried this could ruin the last chance I have.... He's aware of my changes and he's very happy about it, but he doesn't believe they are permanent.... I hope you understand what I mean....there are a billion things going on in my mind..... Any advice ???? Any experience with pulling a 180 if too little sex was an issue in the marriage ???
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180 is not an MB plan. Would you like help with MB?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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�I don't really know where we stand because of this....when we talk about it it sounds like he won't reconsider, but then his actions speak differently....�
Good sign that he has not moved out or wants you to move out.
�Now I've read about the 180 and I'm wanting to try it, but I'm worried that not having physical contact with him anymore will pi** him off and make him believe that he's doing the right thing, since apparently I don't care enough to have sex with him (one issue we've had throughout the marriage started with our 1st child....I was too tired from working full time and caring for the child and home)....�
180 is not MB but effective. However what you are doing is a Plan A. Read up on this site about plan A because Plan A will be more effective for you.
�I'm worried this could ruin the last chance I have....
He's aware of my changes and he's very happy about it, but he doesn't believe they are permanent....�
That�s why you keep doing the things you are, cuddle, SF, taking care of business, losing weight, working out.
Read up on MB about meeting needs.
Your H as many spouses will not believe changes are permanent unless they have been done for 6 months. So don�t give up hope.
If you don�t want to divorce don�t sign anything and get a lawyer. If the H is the main income chances are he will have to pay your legal fees. Also do not move out of the house or give up custody for if this has to go to court you will be in a very weak legal position.
Could there be an OW? Does your H have enough time alone to have an affair?
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Now I've read about the 180 and I'm wanting to try it, but I'm worried that not having physical contact with him anymore will pi** him off and make him believe that he's doing the right thing, since apparently I don't care enough to have sex with him (one issue we've had throughout the marriage started with our 1st child....I was too tired from working full time and caring for the child and home).... Hi lost, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would not recommend the 180 if you want to save your marriage. Your marriage is in trouble because you grew apart; the 180 does not resolve that, it adds to the detachment. A better solution is Plan A, which is showing him a willingness to meet his emotional needs. The best chance of saving your marriage is to attract him back, not repel him. Is your husband having an affair? Have you snooped and ruled this out? It is the most common reason for separation/divorce requests. Also, if you want to save your marriage, rather than divorce, I would click on notify and ask the moderators to move this to Marriage Builders 101.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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180 is not an MB plan. Would you like help with MB? Yes, I would love to get any help I can get !!!!
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Ask to be moved to MB 101, and do please rule out an affair. Search for snooping pointers on Surviving an Affair. A general quick-start guide is to search phone records and computer history.
So the papers have been filed? What is your H's plan there? How long do you have/ Is there a court date set?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Good sign that he has not moved out or wants you to move out. He won't move out because he owns the house...I can't move out yet, because I can't afford it on my own....makes me think though....he has more than enough money in his account to pay for an apartment for me  180 is not MB but effective. However what you are doing is a Plan A. Read up on this site about plan A because Plan A will be more effective for you. I will go and read up on Plan A....any more advice you can give me ??? That�s why you keep doing the things you are, cuddle, SF, taking care of business, losing weight, working out. What is SF  Read up on MB about meeting needs. Where do I find this ???Your H as many spouses will not believe changes are permanent unless they have been done for 6 months. So don�t give up hope. I think I have time until Christmas, but then....I think if I haven't convinced him otherwise he will go through with it after Christmas  If you don�t want to divorce don�t sign anything and get a lawyer. If the H is the main income chances are he will have to pay your legal fees. Also do not move out of the house or give up custody for if this has to go to court you will be in a very weak legal position. We live in Texas so if he wants to get divorced he can get divorced (No-Fault-State)....there's nothing I can do....we agreed on a "friendly" divorce because he's done so much for me and he is right....I messed up our marriage...I alone !!!....I would never ever give up custody...I'd rather die than give up my children !!!!Could there be an OW? Does your H have enough time alone to have an affair? That was one of my suspicions as well...especially since at first he shut me out of Facebook, all his email accounts (changed passwords, texting and hiding his phone...and yes, he would've had enough time to have an affair...Mondays through Wednesdays he's off...but now I'm not so sure anymore, because he keeps our youngest home from school Mo-We, so there would be no time....the only possibility would be for 1-2 hours Mo-We in the evening when he takes our puppy for a walk....
If it's not a physical affair then it could at least be an emotional affair...although I must say I haven't seen him texting anymore either and he deleted his Facebook account (I know it doesn't mean that he can't get a different one)
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Hi lost, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would not recommend the 180 if you want to save your marriage. Your marriage is in trouble because you grew apart The real deal is...my husband joined the Army when he was 17, was in it for 24 years....he values good money management which I've failed miserably....he has a high sex drive, which I don't (after 2 kids and working full time) which doesn't mean that I don't like making love to him.....he believes that I am not making enough out of my life...I have the wrong job (my passion, but too poorly paid) and always though I should go back to college to get a different degree and a better paying job....I do not contribute to any bills, except daycare cost, clothing, entertainment and other things for the kids and I....he makes 3 times more than me, but that's beside the point....I should be able to support him a little, but no...I get into debt  ....I never learned to deal with money, so this is hard for me, but I'm trying....I haven't worked on a different degree because I'm German and I didn't have confidence to be able to master college in English....that changed last year when my job forced me to take CDA college classes and I got a 4.0....he also was upset about the house not being spotless, but it's hard with a full time job, kids and a 3000 sqft house....so these are the reasons he wants a divorce....he's developed depression and (I think) he has a midlife crisis.....he feels like divorcing me is the only possibility for him to heal/get better (he's also had some blackouts at work which is not good because he's a police officer !!!)....he knows (his own words) that his boys will hate him and he must be aware that it will cost him more money to be divorced from me than to stay with me...but...I don't know what's going to happen after Christmas.... ; the 180 does not resolve that, it adds to the detachment. A better solution is Plan A, which is showing him a willingness to meet his emotional needs. The best chance of saving your marriage is to attract him back, not repel him. I will go read into that now.....Is your husband having an affair? Have you snooped and ruled this out? It is the most common reason for separation/divorce requests. I can't rule it out, but he's sworn on his kids that he doesn't have anyone else....he's not the kind of guy, but with midlife crisis and depression I guess anything is possible as it changes people....I could imagine an emotional affair though (texting, facebooking, emailing....which he has either stopped now or is doing it more secretively now)Also, if you want to save your marriage, rather than divorce, I would click on notify and ask the moderators to move this to Marriage Builders 101. I have...thanks !!!
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Ask to be moved to MB 101, and do please rule out an affair. Search for snooping pointers on Surviving an Affair. A general quick-start guide is to search phone records and computer history. I want to/have to trust him there....it would be nearly impossible for me to search for it and he would definitely find out and that could be the nail to the coffin of our marriage should there be really no evidence of infidelity....So the papers have been filed? What is your H's plan there? How long do you have/ Is there a court date set? He's filed the papers with a civil divorce lawyer and has received the final decree 3 weeks ago...it's sitting on top of his computer....we both had to take mandatory parenting classes which have been taken 2 weeks ago....I fully expected him to take me to a notary public to get the decree signed and the divorce finalized by now, but he hasn't yet....I think he wants to wait until after Christmas to make sure the holidays are going smoothly.....but one thing confuses me...he said that we have to sign the decree before a notary public...but I saw he already signed it (at least the top part of it)....wouldn't that make it invalid ?!?!
I'm so confused !!!!
I would do anything to save our marriage....he's the love of my life and I don't want to imagine being without him
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especially since at first he shut me out of Facebook, all his email accounts (changed passwords, texting and hiding his phone...and yes, This screams AFFAIR. A person who has nothing to hide, does not hide. ...although I must say I haven't seen him texting anymore either and he deleted his Facebook account (I know it doesn't mean that he can't get a different one) Even a halfwit wayward knows to hide this kind of stuff. It is likely he just went further underground. [That was one of my suspicions as well...especially since at first he shut me out of Facebook, all his email accounts (changed passwords, texting and hiding his phone...and yes, he would've. had enough time to have an affair...Mondays through Wednesdays he's off...but now I'm not so sure anymore, because he keeps our youngest home from school Mo-We, so there would be no time....the only possibility would be for 1-2 hours Mo-We in the evening when he takes our puppy for a walk....
If it's not a physical affair then it could at least be an emotional affair...although I must say I haven't seen him texting anymore either and he deleted his Facebook account (I know it doesn't mean that he can't get a different one) Here is where I would start. Your H may know that you can USE adultery to gain a legal advantage in Texas courts. Texas courts frown on adultery. I would start by sneaking a keylogger on his computer. Go download eblaster at spectorpro.com. It is about $100 and you only have to access his computer once. You can have the reports emailed to another email address. To be safe, set up a web-based email account he doesn't know about and have the reports emailed there every hour. You can also put flexispy on his smart phone and get all of his text messages and a log of his calls. The cheaper version is about $139, the souped up one is more but it has a GPS on it. How old is your youngest child that stays home with him? Have you ever come home unannounced on Monday to Wed?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[quote=CWMI]Ask to be moved to MB 101, and do please rule out an affair. Search for snooping pointers on Surviving an Affair. A general quick-start guide is to search phone records and computer history. I want to/have to trust him there....it would be nearly impossible for me to search for it and he would definitely find out and that could be the nail to the coffin of our marriage should there be really no evidence of infidelity.... Do this in a way that he doesn't find out. And of course it won't be the nail in the coffin. You have a right to know every thing he does; HE IS YOUR HUSBAND!! If he objects to you snooping, that simply means he has something to hide. I smell an affair here so that is exactly where you should start, even if you have to hire a PI. Can you swing a PI?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[....he also was upset about the house not being spotless, but it's hard with a full time job, kids and a 3000 sqft house....so these are the reasons he wants a divorce....he's developed depression and (I think) he has a midlife crisis.....he feels like divorcing me is the only possibility for him to heal/get better What has been done to resolve these problems in your marriage? The solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around. Has that been done? In the absence of any attempts to turn this around, I would strongly suspect an affair. Look at what Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders says about this: "I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.
Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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especially since at first he shut me out of Facebook, all his email accounts (changed passwords, texting and hiding his phone...and yes, This screams AFFAIR. A person who has nothing to hide, does not hide. ...although I must say I haven't seen him texting anymore either and he deleted his Facebook account (I know it doesn't mean that he can't get a different one) Even a halfwit wayward knows to hide this kind of stuff. It is likely he just went further underground. [That was one of my suspicions as well...especially since at first he shut me out of Facebook, all his email accounts (changed passwords, texting and hiding his phone...and yes, he would've. had enough time to have an affair...Mondays through Wednesdays he's off...but now I'm not so sure anymore, because he keeps our youngest home from school Mo-We, so there would be no time....the only possibility would be for 1-2 hours Mo-We in the evening when he takes our puppy for a walk....
If it's not a physical affair then it could at least be an emotional affair...although I must say I haven't seen him texting anymore either and he deleted his Facebook account (I know it doesn't mean that he can't get a different one) Here is where I would start. Your H may know that you can USE adultery to gain a legal advantage in Texas courts. Texas courts frown on adultery. I would start by sneaking a keylogger on his computer. Go download eblaster at spectorpro.com. It is about $100 and you only have to access his computer once. You can have the reports emailed to another email address. To be safe, set up a web-based email account he doesn't know about and have the reports emailed there every hour. You can also put flexispy on his smart phone and get all of his text messages and a log of his calls. The cheaper version is about $139, the souped up one is more but it has a GPS on it. How old is your youngest child that stays home with him? Have you ever come home unannounced on Monday to Wed?
You probably think I'm stupid, but....I don't want to know for sure....besides the point that I couldn't afford all this technical stuff....
Yes, I've come home unannounced on several occasions and caught him either playing with our son, or sleeping (he works night shift)
This is what I'm thinking...if he's indeed cheating and wanting a divorce because of that, then I can't and don't want to change that, because I'd be better off single then anyway....
The changes I'm making now are beneficial for me....for my future....and if it includes him great....if it doesn't then I will survive....
But right now I want to do everything in my power to make him fall in love with me again....
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[....he also was upset about the house not being spotless, but it's hard with a full time job, kids and a 3000 sqft house....so these are the reasons he wants a divorce....he's developed depression and (I think) he has a midlife crisis.....he feels like divorcing me is the only possibility for him to heal/get better What has been done to resolve these problems in your marriage? The solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around. Has that been done? Yes, I've been working hard on it, and I (according to my husband) am doing a pretty good job with everything....In the absence of any attempts to turn this around, I would strongly suspect an affair. Look at what Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders says about this: "I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.
Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings."
I understand....and I agree...it does sound like an affair....but I would suspect an emotional affair rather than a physical affair (due to the time factor)....
I know I should have clarity about an affair, but what would I gain ???
I'm lost...really !!!
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This is what I'm thinking...if he's indeed cheating and wanting a divorce because of that, then I can't and don't want to change that, because I'd be better off single then anyway.... I disagree!! If he is having an affair, then THAT is the reason he wants the divorce. Therefore, the solution is to kill the affair in order to save your marriage. You can't very well save your marriage if you don't really KNOW why it is falling apart. All of your efforts to meet his needs will have NO EFFECT if he is in an affair and you are doing nothing to kill the affair. A doctor can't save his dying patient unless he knows what is killing him. If your H is having an affair and you don't know it, then you are the equivalent of the doctor who misdiagoses his patient and gives him an aspirin when the patient is in cardiac arrest. He can't save the patient unless and until he treats his cardiac arrest. You must be CERTAIN you know there is no affair, lost. That has to be ruled out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
But right now I want to do everything in my power to make him fall in love with me again.... That is not going to happen if he is having an affair. An affair is a fantasy fueled by secrecy, so you could be unknowingly competing with a fantasy. The solution is to kill the fantasy. Which we can help you do!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
But right now I want to do everything in my power to make him fall in love with me again.... That is not going to happen if he is having an affair. An affair is a fantasy fueled by secrecy, so you could be unknowingly competing with a fantasy. The solution is to kill the fantasy. Which we can help you do!
Can I work on it without knowing for sure that he has an affair ?????
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I'm so devastated....I can't afford to find out, be it through keylogger stuff or PI....
Can I work on it without knowing for sure that he has an affair ????? Can you heal a patient if you don't know what is wrong?? If this is an affair, then you are spinning your wheels and wasting your time, because the tactics will be completely different. Can't you take out a secret credit card and use that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm so devastated....I can't afford to find out, be it through keylogger stuff or PI....
Can I work on it without knowing for sure that he has an affair ????? Can you heal a patient if you don't know what is wrong?? If this is an affair, then you are spinning your wheels and wasting your time, because the tactics will be completely different. Can't you take out a secret credit card and use that?
What happens after an affair is confirmed ???
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No...my credit is too bad....
What happens after an affair is confirmed ??? You kill the affair by causing as much conflict as possible.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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