My wife is 5 months pregnant and she just told me 2 weeks ago. When she told me she was pregnant she didn't tell me about the A. She let me believe that it's mine. Of course after the initial elation wore off and I told my stepfather we wondered why she waited 5 months? Fast forward, she admits to the affair in one way or another only after I pressed her for a paternity test. So, I am still thinking now what if I never put 2 and 2 together would she just have let me think forever that it's mine? That's the part that really scares me. I don't know. My wife has lied to my face for so long so I don't know if what she says is true or not. That is the MAIN problem now. TRUST. She also says she feels the baby is the OM's however she is not totally sure. The baby is due in March and I am unsure what to do if it's not mine. I love her..I think I do. Maybe i don't know what love is now. No, I love her. We both have many faults and have done many things that have lead us to this place as you are all aware that affairs don't just happen. It's the result of a much bigger problem. Right now I just don't know if I can handle raising another man's child. I am 29 and my wife will be 30 in Jan. and this would be both of ours 1st child. W says she loves me and wants to be with me and have more children with me. I just don't want to convey resentment conciously or unconciously to the child if I stay. Maybe when I see the baby I will instantly love it. I just don't know. I love babies and children so I don't think that would be a problem. The problem is how this baby came into the world, it would be my first, and all kinds of thoughts are going through my head right now about if my wife would ever do this again. I know it's all normal thinking after reading the articles on this site so i think time will tell. I know my wife is not being totally honest with me but maybe I will never know all of the details about this A. Maybe I don't need too. Maybe I just need to know that is it's over and she loves me and it was a mistake and we need to understand how we got in this position and work everyday on correcting it and staying in love. Opinions? I hope that was short enough but of course MUCH more to the story as there always is.

nbb, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place. Can you please cut this back to about 3 to 4 short paragraphs? This is way more information than we need to understand your story and most ppl don't have the time to read such a long post. You will get more responses if you condense this.

Thanks

nbb, thanks so much for cutting that back!! I would strongly suggest you get DNA testing first and then decide which way you want to go.

In the meantime, check out this article by Dr Harley:

What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Becomes Pregnant with a Lover's Child

nbb, I was in your WW's (wayward wife) shoes. This past year I cheated on my BH (beloved husband) and got pregnant with my first child, and I didn't tell my BH until after the baby was born. But here's what happened with us, and I hope this helps as you wade through this tough situation. And MB (marriage builders) is an amazing resource and a huge comfort. With MB I know you can restore your marriage like I'm still doing. You're not alone in this!

First of all, your WW is not to be trusted, just like I am not to be trusted. Yes, I adore my BH, but I hurt him terribly. Now I have to be accountable to him in a whole new way. He has access to my cell, e-mail, everything. And we have up and down days where he wants details about the A and I don't want to tell details because I don't want to keep hurting him. But you know what? We're getting through it. And my A has given us a whole new type of honesty and commitment. But my advice: don't ask for details. It doesn't help. As long as she commits to ending the A, just look forward, not backward.

Also, I had to agree to NC (no contact whatsoever) with the OM (other man). It's not easy. Your wife will think of him often, miss him even, because an A is an addiction. I was addicted to the OM and still going through withdrawel 6 mos later. But it doesn't change my love for my BH. And my love for my BH is rekindling in an amazing way. You forgave her, and that speaks a lot about you. You're an amazing man, and she will start to see that. I recommend she also get on MB to start looking at herself for what she is: a recovering "addict."

If the OM tries to pursue a paternity test or custody, I would suggest fighting it. It will better if you never have to deal with him...ever. It's costing us our savings, but my BH should never have to share his family with the OM. But MB has a term called "Policy of Joint Agreement"--don't do anything unless you both agree. It's a GREAT principle to live by and has guided our marriage towards success in our situation.

And when you're in the delivery room helping your wife through labor and see your baby--yes, YOUR baby, no matter what DNA says--you WILL fall in love with that child. My OC is my husband's no matter what. He was there during her birth, when she first smiled, when she got her first tooth...

I hope this helps, nbb, and if your WW needs some encouragement that she's doing the right thing, I'm on daily listening to the radio show and checking the forums. It helps remind me how much I want my marriage to survive...and thrive!

God bless, nbb! You'll get through this.

nb,

I'm sorry that you are in this position. Welcome to MB.

I have to contradict you; you DO need to know all the details of this affair. You need to know who it was with and how and where they got together for sex. You need to know where he is now. You need to know whether he is married or single and whether he wants to be with your wife. You need to know how it ended. You need access to whatever means she had of contacting him; mobile phone and email password, so that you can check for continued contact. Your wife should be happy to give you this access, but beware of her simply opening a secret email account or buying a pre-paid "affair phone".

If she worked with him you need to know whether he still works at the same place. If he does, she needs to leave.

You need to know a great deal in order to know what extraordinary precautions your wife needs to make, and you that need to make as a couple to protect your marriage. You need to be assured that contact with OM is impossible, and a new affair is not just waiting to happen.

It's not enough for you to take her word that it is over and she loves you. I'm sorry to say that she has shown herself to be an accomplished liar by having this affair and keeping a pregnancy secret for so long, and by refusing to be honest and transparent now. You must not trust the word of a liar. The onus is on her to prove to you that she has told you all you have a right to know about the affair. She is expecting you to raise a child that is not yours; you cannot be expected to do that without full transparency from her.

Why would you consider raising this first child, when you could just walk away and find someone faithful, if you have any doubts about your wife's honesty? The fact that it is a first child means that you do not have to consider hurting other children by walking away. If you want to stay out of love for her, you need to be convinced of her commitment to YOU. She is not showing that by being secretive. She is protecting her affair by being secretive.

Please tell us what you know about OM, his situation, how they conducted their affair and how it ended.

MelodyLane has opened a thread in this forum containing links to Dr Harley talking about OC situations on his radio show. Please listen to the broadcasts as a matter of urgency.

nbb, in addition to the excellent advice by Sugarcane and wanthealing, I would suggest exposing the affair to both your family members and close friends. The more people who know, the more people to hold your wife accountable. Even if you decide to end the marriage, everyone should know so you don't get blamed for the break up. You also need the support of your family and friends. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer in the case of an affair.

nb,, sorry you found yourself in this situation but you have come to a good place for help.

i was wearing your shoes many years back

the 1st thing i would suggest is to try and relax (i know easier said than done) and don't make any decisions right now.

the next thing that you need to do is get a DNA test done.

many of your furure decisions will undoubtably depend on the results

I must say first of all this is a wake up call for me. When I think about what kind of husband I have been I can honestly say I haven't been a good one. There is so much more history to this story. Of course I have never cheated on my wife but I understand her. Leading up to this affair I had neglected her quite a bit. I just read an article on here and being neglected is the number 1 reason women stray. I am not just saying this because I feel bad and want to blame myself but I KNOW I was not the best husband. Of course there were many other factors that didn't help our marriage like her needy, lonely mother who took a lot of my wife's time. I am tired now and want to sleep so I won't go into my marital history but I just want to say that this happened because of me. My wife just couldn't take it anymore and NOW i see this. I don't deserve her and even if this isn't my child I am going to stay with her because I want to make this right. I did her wrong and I KNOW this. This is not crazy talk people. I was an as shole a lot of the time. Of course my situation isn't normal and I did the best I could. To give you an idea my wife is not American however she speaks English fluently. We have lived in her country(Ukraine) for the whole marriage (3.5 years) as I met her there while working/travelling. I don't speak the language that well and don't have any friends or anyone else in Ukraine. Being married is hard enough but when you add in being in a foreign country with a different culture it adds a whole new dimension. Regardless, I was an [censored] hole a lot. I took her for her granted. I know this. In my next post when I wake up tomorrow I will talk about the OM and how it started and the rest. But you must all know that I am a bad husband.

nb ,, 1st and foremost no matter how bad your marriage was her A is not your fault. it was her that decided to let OM drop anchor in her port.

that is her character flaw not yours

man o man can i relate to your problems with your mother in law. my oldest son married a romanean (sp?) girl and her parents are so controling of their lives it ain't funny

look you are so young in life,you have been married such a short time, have no children with this woman are thousands of miles from home. i would offer that you consider dr harley's advice. given that this is the 1st child for either of you, OM is single and your W (from your story) obviously still has feelings for him and he for her that you consider D'ing your W and allowing her to be with OM PROVIDING the results of the DNA test come back proving you not the father

i thought there was a way of doing the DNA test prior to delivery. can't remember exactly but i thought it could be done with an amnio test.

Keep in mind that your wife is 100% to blame for the AFFAIR, though. She had the affair because she has poor boundaries around men. You may be responsible in part [50%] for the poor state of the marriage, but she is 100% responsbile for her affair. And 50% responsible for the poor state of the marriage.


Your mother in law could not have taken your wife's time without your wife's permission. The problem is not your MIL, but your wife. You are blaming the wrong person.


Again, you cannot take the blame for something over which you had no vote. Unless you set up the affair and forced her to commit adultery, it happened BECAUSE OF HER. I betcha she is a big gurl who can make her own bad decisions. And as such, is a big enough gurl to take responsbility for her own bad decisions. Blaming yourself protects her from the consequences of her actions and harms her.

If she is a big enough gurl to drive and put on her own shoes, she is a big enough gurl to take responsibility for her crimes. It helps nothing treating her like an idiot child.


And she was a much bigger as*hole by having an affair. There is nothing you have done that even comes close to the cruelty she inflicted on you by having her filthy, destructive affair. Lets keep in mind here that she is not the victim, she is the perpetrator. YOU are the victim. Dont' make the mistake of pathologizing sin.


And she is an even worse wife. She was an [censored] when she had her affair. Committing adultery is about as bad as it gets. If you stay with her, it should not be because you feel some inappropriate guilt for her crimes. That would be a horrible reason to stay. The only reason you should stay is IF you believe you can overcome the resentment that comes from being abused with such cruelty. Your wife has committed a greivous assault that is more traumatic than rape or physical assault. The question is can you live with that?

Ok, I don't know who will actually take the time to read this but here is the LOOOONG version. ;-)

Hello, I am new to this forum so I hope I am following the rules but here goes my story. I have been married for about 3.5 years and just found out 2 weeks ago that my wife is pregnant with a big chance that it's not mine. Just to give you a heads up this is going to quite long. First, I want to give you some background so you will understand better the situation. I am an American and my wife is not. We met in her native country and we have lived there for the duration of the marriage. We have visited the USA a couple of times but she doesn't want to leave her country which I understand so I decided to live with her there. She is quite stunningly beautiful. Growing up I didn't really have any girlfriends. It's not that I am ugly or couldn't have any. I just was busy with sports and other stuff that I never needed one. Ok, this is getting long winded so I will get to the current state of affairs and later I will delve more into the history of myself and my wife. I have just been thinking about my whole life because of this situation. It's making me sick so please bear with me.

So, for the past few months I thought that my wife was just gaining weight until she told me she was pregnant. When she told me I thought she was joking but of course she's not. After the first feeling of elation I went home and called my father to tell him the good news. I told him that she is due in March and he said so that means she is already 5months into her pregnancy and i said yea. You must know that for the past 6 months or so my wife wanted to divorce me on several occasions and my father knew this. So we started to put 2 and 2 together and it was quite clear that something stinks. I remember there was a wedding in June that she went to that I didn't want to go to and she went alone. I know, I know I should have gone. There is so much more you don't know so don't jump to any conclusions yet. I have been living in this foreign country for the past 3 years or so and don't speak the language that well, don't have any other guy friends I can just chill with sometimes and my wife has a VERY close relationship with her mother. Later i will go into the mother/wife relationship more as that has been a big negative influence on our marriage since it's inception. Anyway, to get to the wedding she had to take a train there and her mother was going to accompany us on the train. Her mother wasn't going to go with us to the wedding but I just can't stand being around her. She is very difficult and makes her daughters life crazy which in turn makes me crazy. Anyway, I chose not to go the wedding and this is where she started the affair. I chose not to go because I didn't want to go, plus I had found a basketball court after 3 years of being in this foreign country and made some buddies. It was summer and we were playing everyday. I told her to have a great time and everything would be ok. Before this wedding I had gone with her almost everytime she went somewhere. I never saw this coming. Anyway, when she returned from the wedding nothing seemed different with her as far as I can remember now but in August she went to the sea with her mother and her godmother. Again, I didn't want to go because her mother would be accompanying us. You see know how the mother is many times in the middle of us. You must know her mother has no husband(ran her father off when she was 5), doesn't work and is very needy and controlling. I lived with my wife and her mother for the first year of the marriage and it was hell. I moved out after that and rented a nice place however my wife never really moved in with me. The place I rented was in the next building to her mothers so we would see each other everyday and at least 3-4 nights a weeks sleep together. Also, I work over the internet and have to work late so most nights i wouldn't go to bed until 3 or 4 am. She would usually fall asleep by 1am at the latest as she is a teacher. She always said that she wants to buy our own flat and then we would live together. Her mother's place was very cozy and I thought since we live 2 minutes apart and saw each other everyday it was no problem. I see now that she should have been living with me since day 1 and if wouldn't leave her mother that was big sign it seems. Many times I pleaded with her to move in with me and she said she would but it always faded and I couldn't make her. Maybe it was me. I was a bad husband I think. I don't know. She would also say my mother cooks for us, you work late and etc. I said ok and soon we will buy a place. Sorry this is getting long winded but I want to give some background about the marriage first.

No returning to the present she is 5 months pregnant. So after thinking things through and talking with my father I saw my wife the next day and asked her why she waited to tell me for 5 months she was pregnant. I forget what her answer was but of course it was pure bologna. I then said that you wanted a divorce as close as last month and now you tell me you are pregnant and you love me! HUH!? Something is going on so I said that I am going to do a DNA paternity test once the baby is born and she said no problem. She didn't reject or get defensive at all so I thought that was a good sign but then maybe 20 minutes later we were talking some more and she said that she changed her mind about the test. She said that if you don't trust me then I don't want to be with you. She starting saying all kinds of nonsense like she would raise the child alone and other strange stuff. I said we will do a paternity test. The next day she called and said that she wanted to tell me something. She said at that wedding in June there was a guy who she went to high school with but had moved away during school and she said that they drank a lot. She said that she doesn't remember what happened at night but when she woke up the next morning he was lying next to her. That was all she said. I said, "What is that supposed to mean?" Did you have sex or what? And she said that she doesn't remember. And I said so did he rape you and she said no, no. And then I said you have been having a relationship for the past 6 months with him and that is why you wanted to get divorced because you are pretty sure this is his baby and you want to be with him, right? There is much more to the story so I will get to the important part that I need some advice on.

I have read most all of the articles on this site about Love Busters and Radical Honesty and others however this is quite hard for me. So right now if you are losing your mind because this is so long I will sum it up for you. It's like this. My wife is 5 months pregnant now(give or take because nothing is 100% accurate) and I just found this out. She had an affair with a guy that she hid during this whole time. Oh yea, this is important too. She just got back supposedly from a trip to Finland, France and England. And when she returned this is when she told me that she wants to be with me and she loves me and she is pregnant. She had been wanting to go on this trip for the last few months but her visa kept getting rejected. She is a citizen of Ukraine so it's rather hard for her to travel to the west. We never understood why she didn't get a visa to go on this trip as she was going to be a chaperone for rich kids and she is married to me, an American. So she had no reason to stay there and not return to Ukraine. So I asked her how was she able to go to these countries if her visa was rejected and she said that she went through Finland to get her visa. I said that doesnt make any sense. I know with the European Union and all that people can travel freely from one country to the next but in her situation I am pretty sure that she needs a visa from the country that she wants to visit. Anyway, I remember that the guy who was having the affair had work in Finland and I remember other things that she talked about regarding Finland. Later, after she revealed more and more info I asked her if she saw him in Finland and she said no. I just feel that she is lying. This is the big thing now. She returned two weeks ago, tells me she is pregnant and only after I said I wanted a paternity test did she tell me anything happened at the wedding even if it was some totally dishonest story about getting so drunk and not remembering anything. My wife has never drank and if she did it was not that much. So right now she is telling me that she loves me and she realizes that she made a big mistake and she chooses me. I keep saying that I want the truth. Not the truth about every sexual act or position but about what happened. Did you see him in Finland and go to France with him? The other bizarre thing is that she said she went to London. Now my wife takes a billion pics whenever she goes somewhere new. There is not once pic if I remember with her in London. Only Paris and Finland. I just thought about this yesterday and said this to her and she said that she has some but she misplaced her memory card. It's a lie. The problem now is that she is telling me she loves me and that the other man still loves her very much and wants to be with her but she wants me. I said to her what made you change your mind in the last few weeks. One month ago you told me to go back to the USA and now you want to be together. She said when she was in Paris and Europe she was lonely and missed me. Give me a break. Or maybe it's the other guy rejected her and now I am her only option. I said this to her and she laughs and says the other man wants her very much and loves her. She even told me that the OM told her that even if this is my child he still wants to be with her and raise the child as his own. She has kept in contact with him for the past 6 months via skype and cell phone as far as I know. She had to go to another city on a train a couple of time for a couple of days each time. She said it was to visit the embassies of the foreign countries she was going to visit but now I have a feeling they have met up there. He supposedly lives in Russia and we live in Ukraine. It's an overnight train right away. So its definitely feasible that they could have had a getaway both of those times and I would have never known. I said whoa!! From her ultrasound her due date is March 8th and so I put in a conception calculator when this child was conceived and it came back it can be anyday from June 8 - June 17. However today the doctor said the baby could come 1 week later or sooner. She is not sure so the chances this is my baby are 50/50 at this point. She was at the wedding from June 13-17 if I remember correctly. My wife has also had only irregular periods since her miscarriage back a couple of years ago so there is no way to tell exactly when the conception date was let only pinpoint down to a few days. So now I am much calmer with her even though it's only been two weeks since she's dumped this on me but at first I was very upset. She was crying and kissing me and telling me how much she loves me and etc. I know my wife is a great actress so I don't know what to believe anymore. Also, she accepts now that she was wrong but will always say it was my fault. That she was so unhappy which I can understand. I wasn't perfect but I was trying. She was so lonely she said and of course this hurts me as she never really conveyed this to me or maybe I am just a very bad husband. I know I wasn't always good to her. Many times I was unhappy because she lived with her mother and we never really had a home together. It's crazy when you think about it. Just this past January we took a trip to Florida for 3 weeks and she had a blast going to all of the theme parks and meeting my father's family but she didn't want to stay. I asked to stay so much but she wouldn't. She just opened an English school here in Ukraine last year so I understand her wanting to come back. She loves her job and likes to stay busy. She really is a good person and I know she was in a very vulnerable state at that wedding especially because I chose not go with her. It's not like I couldn't be there because of business or something. I chose not to go. She told me a few days ago she was mad because I told her I didn't want to go. She didn't say she cheated because she was mad but I now when I think about it and talk to my dad about this he said in her mind you chose to stay and play basketball over her. She wanted to show you off at that wedding but instead she was all alone. Also she told me that so many single guys were there and they were all hitting on her. The that finally got her was very persistent she said. But I still think there is no excuse to cheat. However what is done is done. Now I must make decisions. If this is my child I want to be with her and change and follow the advice on this site and MAKE this marriage work. On the other hand if this is not my child in my mind I want to try too but I just don't know if I can. I don't want this child to grow up feeling my resentment conciously or subconciously, u know? That's not fair to the child and I know this. However I think I love her but I don't know if that's true either. I don't know if she even loves me. From the day we met to when we were married it was only about 5months. It was very fast and I must say that her beauty played a big role however I THINK after being with her for the past 3.5 years she is a very caring and good hearted person. She is an English teacher and loves kids and the kids lover her. On the other hand she can lie to my face and feel nothing. My friend made a good point about the difference of men in the cultures. Men here in the former USSR countries are very macho and dominant. American men are too but in a different way. Maybe she is used to that growing up here and doesn't respect me because i don't fit her mold. Maybe she can't help it. For the past few days I have seen her everyday and even spending one whole day together walking around and going to a restaraunt. We have had sex numerous times since knowing this info. Sex has never been a problem with us.

To sum up, my wife is pregnant 5 months and she really feels that its not mine however she is not sure as we had sex around the dates of conception and I am not 100% sure but I could have ejaculated inside of her however I never use protection and she doesn't take birth control so there is always a chance there but many times I don't do a full ejaculation inside of her. So I am in this foreign country staying with me friends now who live 1 minute from my wife so i see her everyday. I want to wait until the baby is born and do the paternity test myself as I dont trust her. I know and she knows as I told her that she can't cheat the test. If I were to go back to the states and send her swabs and she swabbed someone else the test would come back unable to do. She needs to swab herself, the baby and I must swab myself. On the other hand, maybe during this waiting time for the baby to be born I could come to accept that i could raise the baby even if its not mine biologically. I don't know. We have talked and she wants to have at least 2 more kids with me. I just don't trust her and that is the main problem now. Of course the possibility of the child not being mine is also a big problem but these are my two big problems now. She tells me that now she understands many things that were wrong with our marriage and she is ready to make everything very good. She said that if I leave her I will regret it because she will be the best wife now. She tells me she loves me. I have spent a couple of nights with in her mothers place and during the night we were caressing each other and it was real. I know it was. I know she loves me and she was hurting before which I am to blame of course. I always pleaded with her to live with me even if were just renting and we will make it work. A lot of our fights were because of her mother. Like I said before I have to work late so I sleep in later. She gets up early and goes to bed earlier. So when she would come home because her mother doesn't work and has no friends or husband she wants to talk her ear off and my wife lives with her. So i would be waiting too when I lived there or I would come over when she finished working as I can take my own breaks but I must work late. But she was tired from working all day and her mother would wear her out and of course I am in a foreign country for her and want to talk and be together. Many times she would be so exhausted from her mother and me she would explode and I would of course retaliate like come live with me. It's crazy. I know you guys who are reading this think this all sounds crazy and it is.

I am 29 and she will be 30 this Jan. and this would be my first child. I know I could leave her if this isn't my child and find another person who I can trust and make my own family but I still have feelings for her. I just hope in time the decision will become easier. Maybe I need to be away from her until the baby is born. I was thinking back I should return to the states until March and return then. I just don't know. In the country we live in it's much different than in the USA. My wife can put me on the birth certificate and it's mine. I told her that we must move to the USA and live there. She said she would. I know she doesn't want too but I told her the only way we could be together is if she came with me to the USA. I also asked her that if she never had an affair and we were 100% this was our baby would she move to the USA with me and she said no so I know she doesn't want to go the USA in her heart. It's like I have a trump card now but I don't want that. It's crazy. It's obvious she is desperate however she keeps saying that the OM wants to be with her but she doesnt want to be with him. She told me some things about him that she didn't know before she slept with him that she doesn't like. I was thinking of course there are things you don't like about him as you hardly knew him to began with. She said at the wedding he told her that he was trying to quit smoking as she hates smoking. But later she saw him again when she went to visit her family in Russia as we are in Ukraine and he was smoking up a storm with no respect for her or her unborn child. He said that he is going to smoke and he likes to smoke. Also he was drinnkig a lot like a typical russian man. Oh yea she saw him when she went to the sea with her mother because I chose not go because her mother was going. I know it's crazy. She chose her mother over me and that's how i feel. She told me she would tell the OM even if it's his that it's mine. I don't believe her and I don't believe he will go quietly. I also feel like she may be still tricking me and has some crazy plan to stick to me. I just don't know. I can't think of anything but you never know. My mind now doesnt know because of this breach in trust. I am trying to handle this the right way. And one more thing she told me this last week that she has been unhappy for the past year or more and was not actively looking for another man but her eyes weren't shut. That is honesty. I know I wasn't perfect but I didn't realize it was that bad. Maybe she would be happier without me and I tell her that but she starts teary eyed and says that she loves and wants to be with me. I also know that her mother has a huge influence on her and I know that her mother probably influenced to start looking for another man if the chance presented herself. However now that she is in this predicament maybe her mother's tune changed because I have always provided well for them and taken good care of them. My wife and I just took a month long trip to Orlando, Florida this past January where she had the time of her life. I really thought she would choose to stay there and we would live there but she didn't. Also, I told her when I was upset that like 2-3% of marriages that result from affairs work. Oh and I must add that in the first week after she told me this one day I was very kind and then I would be thinking about what she did and I would change my attitude like Dr. Jeykl and Mr. Hyde. It is getting better as time goes on but she told me today that if I keep oscillating like I am doing now she wont be with me. I told her I am trying my best and I promised her that I wouldn't be mean or call her any name. I know it's wrong but she hurt me so much. I called her a w h ore. Of course I apologized and there is no excuse but this pain is nothing like I have ever felt. She said that her mother had told her that too and now I am thinking that is probably the reason you are deciding to stay with me. Sometimes I think the mother is a witch and she controls her daughter. It's crazy or perhaps I am the worst husband on the planet. Opinions and or questions? Oh yea, the lover is single and the same age as us. Again, if anyone actually read all of this I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

nb,,,,

dude you left your country and your home to marry this woman and live in a foriegn place where your ability to communicatate was minimal for this woman. don't you think that she should have been putting forth some effort to help you adjust?

I must add that a few times when I just couldn't take it anymore with her mother in our lives I kind of lost it. What I mean by that is I said to my wife I wish her mother would just die and leave us alone! I know that's not good but even my wife on several occasions didn't say these exact words but almost said it. It's like a hate/love relationship with my wife and mother with 85% being hate and 15% of the time loving. It's really crazy. It's like the mother enjoys making my wife crazy. She is really a sick woman. It's all messed up and then my wife had to go and do this so I almost feel like it's not even worth it. In my mind now I know this could have worked..I think. Maybe I am clueless. My wife always told me that her mother told her growing up that when my wife got married we would all three live together. I was like..whoa! The mother is crazy. She is the most unpleasant person I have ever met other than my own grandmother. She hates life and is bitter. Of course it has always been my wifes choice to not leave her mother but maybe that's on me. I was never a good enough man to let her trust me and be with me. I never satisfied her emotional needs. I feel like she never really gave me a chance to show her. For the first 3 years of this marriage I was always pleading with her to try and live in the USA. She didn't want too. She has her English school now(opened thanks to me)and it's her life. I understand that but I told her that in the USA she would find work. She is smart. I said to just be patient but she didn't want too. When we first came to the USA the first time back in the summer of 2008 I made the mistake to stay with my grandmother. She was very rude and mean to my wife. After a month I told wife to just be patient as I didn't have much money but I was looking for apartments. She wanted to leave pretty quickly which I understand from how she was treated by my family. My mother's side are not the best but I never thought my grandmother would be so rude to my wife. That was my fault. But we came again this past January and stayed with my father in Florida and she had the time of her life. During this trip we talked about moving to Florida (St. Petersburg) and she said she would try. I said I would stay in Florida and find a place to live and she would return to Ukraine to finish her school year and then come back in the summer. We talked everyday on skype but she ended up convincing me to return to Ukraine. Of course her mother had a part in this. So I returned on April 22nd and she went to the wedding on June 13 and that was when this happened. It's crazy because I left her in Ukraine for 3 months alone but of course we were talking on skype everyday and she didn't do anything like cheating but after I returned she went to a wedding and this happened. Again no excuse but she said she was mad at me that I stayed and didn't go to the wedding. At first I said I was going to the wedding and so she bought train tickets but then I changed my mind at the last minute and I told her to return my ticket. Of course I paid for it. She said she had already bought the gift for the wedding couple but I don't told her to have a great time. I am an idiot. Even my father said I should have gone even if I didn't want too. I guess this goes in line with this sites policy on 100% agreement. Still doesn't excuse her behavior but I was wrong too. I had just found a basketball court after 3 years of really playing no sports and I was in heaven. I even told my wife that she should be happy as Ukraine isn't so bad now for me and I my willingness to stay and live her just went up many percentage points. But then this happens. I can understand that. She was vulnerable because I wasn't meeting her emotional needs and there was a predator(OM)there who she was very attracted too and he showed her lots of attention. She said she got drunk and that's when it happened. It's all crazy. I really don't believe that I wasn't good enough but maybe for her I wasn't. I tried. I really did. Look..you guys don't know me but I am difficult sometimes and then add in the other factors of living in a foreign country, not speaking the language, my wife speaks English fluently but of course it's still her second language, no friends for me,(oh BTW my wife says married people don't need friends...married people only need married friends) , crazy mother who takes a lot of my wifes time, no family close by for me and just everything is foreign. We had many good times however it just doesn't excuse this behavior. We talked yesterday and she said she never saw getting pregnant as an outcome. I think I believe this. She said she didn't tell me at first about the affair because I would have made her get an abortion. She has always known my stand on abortion. I think it's murder so that is not true. I know I get crazy sometimes and scream when we start fighting but on certain things she knows how I feel. Maybe because this situation is so crazy she really didn't know what to do. She also thought that once she told me she is pregnant and it is potentially another man's I would have left in a heartbeat. Well, I haven't and she begged for my forgiveness when she told me. She was crying up a storm and wouldn't let go of me. I think she is sorry but not repentant. That is the problem and the other big problem is that I don't think I can handle raising another man's child when I don't have too. If this is my child I am going to give my all to make this work unlike before. If it's not my kid I think I will leave. I am 29 and we have no other kids so I see no reason to stay.


Yea, your right pops. I am curious as to what things in your mind should she have done to help me adjust? You must know that she did many things for me to adjust. I just want to know what you think she should have done and I will tell you if she did them. We are both to blame for this but she of course threw it away with this act. It just hurts me so.

What does this mean? That my situation is hopeless, yea? I know. It's my life.

No, I don't think it is hopeless, i think your posts are unneccesarily long. Too long to read.

As far as your MIL goes, if you do recover your marriage, she will have to kept out of your marriage. She is part of the problem in your marriage. Sacrificing the presence of your MIL will greatly harm your marriage.

Thank you so much for your responses LADyP8riot. They help. Now again we are living in Ukraine and they medicine is not as advanced as in the USA so since she is 5.5 months pregnant it's impossible for me to do the DNA test until the baby is born. Even if it was possible it would be too expensive for me and I read their is a potential risk to the unborn child. I mean it still could be mine. Regardless if its mine or not its an innocent life.

You are so right about her MIL and leaving for the states. The MIL has to be out of our lifes. I just talked to my wife and I asked her again if she is ready to leave her mother and move with to Florida. She paused and said you know I said before I said I would but I really dont want too. She said we can rent a flat in Ukraine right now. She said she is so lonely in the USA. I said I can understand you being lonely but you have never really given the USA a chance. I said you have only been two times and each time was about a month long. The first time was a bad experience as we stayed with my grandmother who was very rude to her. But the last visit was great as we stayed with my father in Florida and she had a great time. I said just give it 6 months. She said 3. I know what she is doing. She said she just wants to visit the USA every summer. I personally don't mind it but now it's going to get very complicated if this is not my child. I am really leaning towards just divorcing if this isn't my child and starting over. It's hard to leave your country and everything you know especially with a child and she is not really sure how things will turn out in the USA. Maybe I will change and start to resent the child and her. I'm not saying that is what I am going to do but maybe those are the thoughts going through her head right now. I just found all this out only 2 weeks ago and honestly I have been like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde the past 2 weeks so I understand her. I am just now starting to calm down and not be so emotional. This is just a mess. I kind of hope it's not my child. I mean if it is I am happy too but this is not easy.This is getting long again. I will end it here.

nbb, there are other considerations here and that is her willingness to end her affair and tell you everything about it. Is she willing to do that? Her mother and family should also be told of the affair. Do they all know?