|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,535
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,535 |
boy, oh boy.
I am totally with Luri here. And the rest of you guys are all being so patient and kind.
Tom, your M has absolutely no chance of being loving and fulfilling whilst you are spending time with another woman that you have feelings for.
You sound so incredibly foggy - I've known brand new posters sound nowhere near as foggy as you.
Stop justifying your EA and think of your wife and your M.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 734
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 734 |
As long as they treat the other person well and do not hurt them directly, to each his own. Lying to your wife is the single most hurtful thing you can do. You are hurting her every day, she just DOESN'T KNOW HOW YET. She knows that you don't have the honest close marriage she desires and deserves, and this hurts her whether she tries to justify it to herself by arguing that she's no worse off than other people, or whatever other arguments that you can probably make up. Lying to your spouse is really vile awful evil behaviour designed to get what you want in life while making sure they never get what they want. Stop talking about what your wife should do, step up, be a man and go first to clean up your side of the street.
Last edited by Rosycheeks; 08/25/10 08:47 AM.
Me: 32
H: 35
Married 9 years, together 12.
Two little girls, 7 and 3.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676 |
Well its been about 3 months since last update.
Our relationship has gone through some ups and downs during this time. Overall there has definetely been an improvemtnt. The issue of the "other woman" is nowhere near as relevant as it was before. We are simply coworkers who mostly talk about work when we talk now. Occasionally we discuss personal items, but not the same as before.
I did eventually admit to myself the feelings that I had, and what I wanted it to be, but I also got past that. Those same feelings are not around anymore for this person.
I am not happy in the marriage at this point, but I am also not sure what it is I want. Still trying to make things better and looking for improvement for the future.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Hi, Tom; I was thinking about you just last night and wondering how you were doing. It's good to see you!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Tom, I'm glad to see you admitted how you felt about this other woman. Please be mindful that if those feelings were there before, they can be easily rekindled again.
I was just listening to an old Marriage Builders radio broadcast today in which Dr. Harley described his program as a set of "rules" for marriage, and his wife Joyce responded that sometimes people follow these rules without even realizing it. When they do, they fall in love. Even when they are not married to each other, or possibly married to someone else.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
So at this point, Tom, what would you say your complaints in the marriage are? I presume the financial situation is still ongoing? Do the two of you ever fight? How are you feeling about the sex situation at this point?
Also, what do you think her complaints are at this point? (Are you still driving in ways that upset her?)
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676 |
Thank you for responding Markos. The financial situation has gotten better, not the best, but better. I still worry about it quite often, but know that things take time.
We do not fight very often, no. I try to avoid that as much as possible; whether by trying not to bring up what upsets me or trying to fix as quick as possible what upsets her.
Sex is an issue, it does not happen very often. It is definetly a complaint of hers. I too want it more, but with her, the desire is just not there.
I have a feeling that it is simply a matter of how long the marriage will last. I want to get us into a situation where we will both be able to succeed financialy when that occurs. Until then, I believe it is a matter of just making things as good as possible. It sounds harsh and sad, but atleast it would be something to hope for.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 734
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 734 |
Have you spoken to her about any of this yet?
Does she know you're just biding your time until something better comes along?
Me: 32
H: 35
Married 9 years, together 12.
Two little girls, 7 and 3.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676 |
Of course I have not spoken to her about any of this. Again, I want to limit as much pain as I can for her. I want her to be happy in life. Right now, she knows that I am not happy, she just does not know all of the reasons why.
And it is not that I am biding time until something better comes along. Even if something better came along, I could not just leave. I care too much about her to do that to her. But we both need to be in a situation where we could handle that type of change. The reality is, as much as I would like us to both be able to be fully happy in our lives together, I don't see that happening. I once thought it possible, but I don't think it should have to take that much effort to work for happiness.
Life is too short to have to spend so much time working on being happy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 734
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 734 |
So what you're saying is that you still are not following marriage builders at all and you've just given up hope for your marriage without even trying?
A successful longterm marriage takes work every day, you just go through phases of it feeling like harder work than others because when you're passionately in love then doing all those same things feels natural and not like work.
The thing is Tom, that you'll never know this unless you are willing to work hard through the times when it feels like hard work to reap the benefits on the other side.
Marriage builders is a complete plan and radical honesty is vitally important to it.
Me: 32
H: 35
Married 9 years, together 12.
Two little girls, 7 and 3.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437 |
How can she ever know what to do (or stop doing) to make you happy if you won't tell her? How hard would it be to print out the questionnaires and do them???
You've said she's pretty fragile...be honest here. Is it that SHE can't handle her emotions, or YOU can't handle her emotions?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836 |
More likely he can't handle his own. Which is common and understandable. I can't either. But at least be honest what is going on.
When you can see it coming, duck!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 91
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 91 |
Tom-
You say you want your wife to be happy?
I feel sad for her that she does not know you are thinking of your marriage as a limited time engagement. I'm guessing that's not the vow you made when you married?
Does she want children some day? Then (and even if not) if you are convinced you will never be happy with her and are unwilling to use MB to fall in love again, the kindest thing to do would be to be honest, for her to have the choice to end the marriage knowing what your feelings are, and leave her the option to find someone who will love her.
You are fooling yourself if you think your present course is likely to make her happy.
50+ yo couple enjoying our empty nest.
Young adult kids out on their own.
"Enthusiastic agreement?" is our catch phrase.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Of course I have not spoken to her about any of this. Again, I want to limit as much pain as I can for her. I want her to be happy in life. Right now, she knows that I am not happy, she just does not know all of the reasons why.
And it is not that I am biding time until something better comes along. Even if something better came along, I could not just leave. I care too much about her to do that to her. But we both need to be in a situation where we could handle that type of change. The reality is, as much as I would like us to both be able to be fully happy in our lives together, I don't see that happening. I once thought it possible, but I don't think it should have to take that much effort to work for happiness.
Life is too short to have to spend so much time working on being happy. Tom, building the habits that make for a great marriage is work, but once the habits are built it is not that much work to maintain them, and at that point having a great marriage is nearly effortless. Given about three months worth of work the two of you could be in love. Given about a year you could have an incredibly passionate marriage. And given about two years you could have a wonderful marriage built on habits that are nearly effortless to maintain. Whether it is with your wife or with someone else, or even alone, happiness will take some work to attain. Why would you assume that happiness should just come to you with no effort on your part? Don't you have to go to a job every day and work to earn the things you need and want? If we want something in life, we have to be willing to make some effort to get it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676 |
How can she ever know what to do (or stop doing) to make you happy if you won't tell her? How hard would it be to print out the questionnaires and do them???
You've said she's pretty fragile...be honest here. Is it that SHE can't handle her emotions, or YOU can't handle her emotions? Both and thats being honest. If I was radically honest with her, she would probably be in a lot of emotional pain. I don't want that for her or for me to have to deal with. Even at times when I have legitimate issue with something, I try to avoid the discussion/argument because I don't want to deal with the emotional reaction. Its just easier, because even at times when I have brought up some issues, they don't usually change.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676 |
Tom-
You say you want your wife to be happy?
I feel sad for her that she does not know you are thinking of your marriage as a limited time engagement. I'm guessing that's not the vow you made when you married?
Does she want children some day? Then (and even if not) if you are convinced you will never be happy with her and are unwilling to use MB to fall in love again, the kindest thing to do would be to be honest, for her to have the choice to end the marriage knowing what your feelings are, and leave her the option to find someone who will love her.
You are fooling yourself if you think your present course is likely to make her happy. No its not the vow that was made. But at the time, I knew in the back of my mind, it could be the reality. We both needed one another and were good for one another at the time, but there was no way of knowing if that time would last. Its better to have lived some instead of avoiding it all together. Even if the marriage doesn't last, I would never regret going into it. It was an important part of my life and hers as well.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704 |
Even if the marriage doesn't last, I would never regret going into it. It was an important part of my life and hers as well. Geez, Tom. Seriously? Then why not just get it over with so she can find someone that will love her. She will have regrets. And it's because of you. Yes, Tom, you will be teh cause of her pain. Thought I'd add a last piece here. And wtih that, I'm out because you don't take our advice anyway. You just like to come on here and complain. Be a man. Men are honest. Good people are not deceptive.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 734
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 734 |
I'm with Kilted Thrower, you're not behaving like a man.
Emotional pain is inevitable at some point in any marriage, but it only gets bigger and worse the longer its hidden.
I am so angry at what you are doing to your wife by continuing to lie to her. You try to fool yourself that you are being unselfish when you're actually just being the worst kind of coward.
Me: 32
H: 35
Married 9 years, together 12.
Two little girls, 7 and 3.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437 |
***edit***
Last edited by MBHarmony; 11/24/10 02:15 PM. Reason: personal attac
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 676 |
One thing I have never been able to understand on here, is why everyone seems so focused on my wifes pain and how everything effects her in this. Nobody seems to care about my feelings in this whole thing.
I am just someone trying to live life and find a way to be happy, and you make me out to be some horrible person.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
321
guests, and
41
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,487
Members71,942
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
