I don't have any desire to complain about my H to people. Why would I do that? I go to him with my concerns. I don't wait for them to pile up on me until I'm ready to complain about him to people. How would that be fair to anyone?

Oh, there's a difference, though - you're withholding honest communication from your W. No wonder you're frustrated.

But why would they lie and try to come up with a 'believeable' story? Why the false front? Is the at-home spouse typically a slouch who lies around, snacking and watching TV? Does this bother the other spouse? If it does, shouldn't they talk about that? If resentment is the issue, shouldn't that be addressed instead of scurrying to plump up the pillows while the other one is pulling into the driveway?

Oooh. No wonder you're complaining about your W. Got it.

How miserable she must be, knowing that something is wrong and not knowing what that is.
She sees a husband coming home and drinking to escape. That's sad.

Thats what my WH did with OW before he left me for her....he complained to her, NOT ME!!!!..I guess I wasnt having enough sex with him or paying enough attention to him (I was taking care of a toddler while he was "complaining" about me to someone else)...OW was single and living with her mom and worked with my H, so she had plenty of time to meet his needs...

Wish I knew he was that unhappy...I wasnt too happy either, but I figured that things like that happen after you have a baby....Stupid me.....stupid stupid me....Wish I took that damn mind reading seminar when I had the chance, but I was too busy paying attention to my DS...and wasnt told that my H wasnt happy about that.

Maybe you should tell your W about the class...so she can have the opportunity to save her M.

Sounds like poor communication.

I'm sorry but I can not relate a job situation to a relationship situation the same way. The financial/money factor is completely different. Even though money seems to be an evil thing in our society anymore, we need it to pay the bills, pay off our debt, keep food on the table, and a roof over our heads. You have to have it. Messing with someones financial situation is just wrong.

It is not my intention to hurt her in the end. As I have said in the past, if we can work out and be great for each other, that would be wonderufl. I just have a hard time seeing that as the reality. Since I feel this way, I feel it is my responsibility to make sure it will be as minimally painful as possible to her. I would never just drop the sledge hammer down and break the marriage to pieces all at once. I have seen the dammage that can do to someone and all around. It would have to be done delicately if/when done. Again, in a way attempting to make it as painless as possible (though I know it would not be easy on either of us, but I don't want it to be horrible).

But messing with your marriage and your wife's feelings (her entire life in fact) is perfectly acceptable?

Actually no, she doesn't see me drinking that often. I try and do that when she is not home. With our schedules it just works out in my favor for the opportunity often enough. She sees the occasional drink, but not too often. And she is not miserable, she knows that I am and just wants me to be happy.

I didn't say it was perfectly acceptable. I just think the financial is worse. I think both my wife and I do things that are harmful to one another. No, two wrongs don't make a right. I just prefer to try and avoid as much conflict and discussion about the conflict as much as possible. If we don't discuss it, it makes it easier to mentallly avoid it and image it is not really there.

Well I am glad you don't have complaints to share with others about your spouse. That is usually what comes up when I talk with others about my spouse. Not just my spouse though, complaints are quite often what comes up in many of my conversations about many things.
Your idea about going to your spouse with your concerns, it would be nice if I felt like I could do that, but I do not, again I try to avoid those conversations. Try to ignore them, push them down and image they do not exist.

The lie is to help that person feel better in the moment. To avoid a conflict, to avoid that person being stressed out or upset. It is like with my students, if they are going to do something that I don't like or want them to do, just don't let me find out about it. As long as I never know, and nobody gets hurt, I'm better off. Keep the peace.

Yes, I have that friend who I talk to/complain to about the marriage and situations. She does the same with me, we are each others shoulder/ear to lean on when we need to vent and find comfort in someone else having similar problems. It helps us both to know that we are not alone in the way we are feeling.
Yes, that "OW" has been discussed here in the past as well. We had a period of time where we were not talking as much, and then got closer again this school year. That is when feelings began to grow (at no point before that did I ever have actual feelings for her). But after a while those feelings faded again. The intesity of the friendship tends to come and go, but I still believe it will never be anything more than that. It is simply nice to have someone who completely understands what you are going through and helps talk you through it and gives you ideas to work on it.

You said you wished that you had had sex more with your husband, I wish it were that easy. I don't see more sex with the spouse as a means to fixing our issues. She tries to, I don't want to that often. I wish I wanted to more often with her.

You really think that losing a job is worse than living a marriage (and a life) that is a complete lie? Really? REALLY?

Tom, how do you break it gently when you decide? What if it's not for another 5 years and then you decide you're done...10 years? How awesome is that that you would waste that much of your wife's time?

Just think...she would be upset and sad but free to find someone that really loves her and would consider a life together. Yet you are keeping your wife from this. You will be teh source of your wife's pain and misery and time wasted.

I hope you don't believe in karma cause you're eventually going to get what you deserve.

1. It is not a complete lie. That is extreme to say that it is. I do not believe that.
2. If one can not pay all of the necessary bills, thats pretty damaging to life and the ability to enjoy the other things that you do have in it.

Part of the problem here is that you are viewing this part of our lives as a waste; I do not. I believe it to be a necessary and beneficial aspect of our lives. Does that mean we are necessary and beneficial and the best possible thing for one another for the length of our lives, maybe not. But by no means do I see this as a waste. I see that being with me has made her happy. She enjoys and loves being married to me, I know that without a doubt in my mind. If a marriage ends, that doesn't mean how you felt during it changes. I don't think she would regret it, because she has been happy. Is it possible she could be happier? So could I. But life is not perfect.

And again, I like how you are focusing on what you believe to be the spouses pain and misery and not mine. When in reality she is a much happier person that me.

The problem with this logic is that your wife may not feel the same way. She may very well consider it to be a waste of her time being married to someone who has no intention of spending the rest of his life with her. She may be "happy" right now because she is assuming that you are in this with her for the long-haul, through the good and the bad. She may very well choose to end this now if she only knew that this wasn't true. However, you aren't even giving her a chance to make that decision, because you won't be honest with her about how you feel.

I don't believe that she would want to end this now as you say. I believe she would want to try and work through things. But I am also not ready to end this now, nor do I believe she is. I want us both to be in a better place financially and personally before it ever comes to that. In the mean time, I do want to try and make our marriage as happy and meaningful as it can be until then.
The other decision is still out there on how much we actually work to have children. We both want kids, she wants them now, I am not sure because of all this and I want things to be better financially for it as well. Though we are not getting any younger.