You really will not be able to save the marriage by letting fear make decisions.

Yes, he will be a raving, cruel guy now that it is out in the open. Your task is to appear calm in the storm.....not to react to his reactions....if that makes sense.

Work on being your most attractive self no matter what he says or does right now. He is messed up. He will not see that for a while. He is trying to justify his cruelty and betrayel. That is par for the course.

Ride through the exposure storm and know that if ultimately your marriage doesn't survive the situation....exposure was really not the factor of that. If it survives in the end and you rebuild it.....exposure would have been a factor in that end product.

Or simply put

Exposure doesn't kill the marriage
it does help kill affairs.

Your H is tantrumming and upset for HIS actions being revealed. Oops, he should have foreseen the hell he was creating with his co-conspirator. She should have foreseeen it too. They created the mess that you must find your way through

You�ve done an excellent job with exposure. I recommend you take the next step and expose to her chain of command and her family.

That will certainly put massive pressure on the affair.

You�ve actually taken a big step towards ending the affair and saving your marriage.

The things you need to do to save your marriage are very counterintuitive. They will feel wrong when you do them. But they are necessary to save your marriage if there is any hope to do so.

Not exposing keeps the affair secret and the wayward in control.

You�re not in as bad a shape as you think.

How has his family responded? Are they pressuring him?

The other part of this equation, and an ironic part of the whole matter, is the legal front. Letting him know that you will seek primary custody, spousal support, and massive child support is a part of the whole picture. He can�t just walk away from his responsibilities. It lets him know that walking away will have big consequences in terms of finances for him.

Remind him that you will go after his retirement as well if he walks away. In other words, let him know he will literally pay a big price of walking out on his family.

But you need to attack the OW as well. By that I mean that you must report this affair to her chain of command and you must expose it to her family and friends as well. This puts pressure on her.

Whenever he says stupid things, repeat a lot of it back to him. When he tells you that you ruined his career, you can say, �Yes, it is unfortunate you committed adultery, against the UCMJ. It�s unfortunate you ruined your career.�

The biggest piece of advice I can give you (and it is easier said than done) is to hold your emotions inside and be cold, calculating, and calm when dealing with him. This actually scares a wayward. It lets you appear as the one in control (even though you feel horrible inside and like doing nothing but crying).

I say this to you as a man who was in the opposite situation. I was the serviceman who had his wife cheat on him while gone on deployment. I am advising you to do the things I wish I had done and said when I look back from that time.

You see, I didn�t save my marriage. I did it all wrong. I appeased. I gave in to everything.

In hindsight, I am glad she�s out of my life. At the moment, though, it felt like the end of the world. The only reason I�m telling you that is because I want you to be calm with the understanding that no matter what happens you will be ok and you will survive. If you don�t take the hard steps for yourself, then do it for your kids.

Exposure is not a mistake. It is the biggest, hardest step most betrayed spouses can take and it is the greatest thing they can do to help end the affair.

That, combined with the watchful eye of his chain of command will put the greatest pressure on him.

Is he an officer?

The odds are high that his chain is going to give him a chance to resolve things on his own before taking steps that will �ruin� his career. The odds are very high he will be given a direct order to stop all communications with this woman and to end the affair. This is the first step.

They�ll then leave him to hang himself. If he obeys the order, he�s likely to keep things at a reprimand level. If he doesn�t obey, then he has a courtmartial to likely deal with for disobeying a direct order.

The point to you is to be strong. HE did this. Not you.

If you have any joint bank accounts...I'd recommend getting to the bank TODAY to secure all the family money that you can. If there are none and you are low on cash...I'd have you get a cash advance on a joint credit card before he cancels the card.

I would just like to see you minimize your financial risk to the extent you can. An Exposed Wayward Spouse can be very vindictive and ATTEMPT to cut you (and the kids) off financial as a method of control and punishment.

Get yourself some cash and I'd START considering employment (begin to think about what you can do with the kids if you were get a job...would a relative help out? Any job will be a help and also deliver the Plan A message that you are completely capable woman, in fact...you already have a job and CAN survive without him).

Mr. Wondering

I understand your concerns about being afraid of her. Once I had kids my concept of "responsable" changed dramatically.

Do you think that exposure (for OW) will make you safer from antagonizing and retaliation? I mean with it being out there and in the open, I doubt she would do anything to go against a direct order.

(I beleive you can tell her CO about your concerns of retaliation)
AND find out about P.O.'s if you are that worried, too. Let both know you are not afraid to use everything at your diaposal ?? Can you get one vs an active military??

Seriously, contacting CO's will help kill this contact. Disobeying would be at their own peril.

A ticked off wife is not a good thing for a CO to deal with. And many commanders are pretty conservative in their family views, so you're likely to get support on this front.

Provide the CO with the evidence of the affair so that your H and OW can't deny it and claim that you're just a jealous, crazy wife.

You have done fine. Expose to the rest of the folks on HER side.

Do not be afraid. The affair just had the light of day shone on it, and affairs don't like that. They thrive on the secrecy.

Your husband is angry, embarrassed, and facing the judgement of others. He doesn't want to explain his bad behavior. Nobody does.

He will get past his anger. The things he said are textbook from WS's after exposure.


You just tell him, "I am trying to save our marriage, I am trying to save our marriage, I am trying to save our marriage" until he stops saying stupid stuff.


And anything he "blames" on you, turn it around. Tell him that you are sorry that there are negative consequences to affairs, and he chose the affair, so he chooses the consequences - and to put on his big-boy underwear and realize it. Tell him you know he was not blind going into the affair, and he can have just as much light shone on it to find his way OUT of the affair.

Your exposure just gave the light to him!


Cockroaches don't like light. They try to hide.....


Stand strong. Work on Plan A, and if you are just too angry, plan for a SHORT one. But make it good - so that when you shut the door for Plan B, you will have done so with strength on your side.




SB