I discovered my wifes affair with the owner of her company 7 weeks ago. She admits that she still has feelings for him and she is not willing to leave her job. She lost weight this spring. He started 'paying attention to her'. It made her happy and she started lying to me. I was comfortable in our relationship and focusing on my career. She is having a hard time deciding how to move forward. She says that he ended the afair weeks ago, but she is not willing to show me her cell phone records and has started locking her phone. She does not want me to attend the business holiday party, since his wife will be there and she is afraid I will make a scene. I asked that she not go, but she gets upset that I am controlling her AGAIN. The taker in me wants to go to the party or tell her not to go, but the giver tells me to let her go. Either way one of us is upset. How should we find enthusiastic agreement on this topic?

Welcome, THG. Sorry you have to find yourself here. Let's see what you've got:

The A is still going strong, you know that, right? Otherwise she wouldn't be so secretive with her phone. And it will continue until she leaves that job. Count on it.

I suspect your WW doesn't want OM to see the two of you together as husband and wife. You could 'cause a scene' anytime you wanted to without waiting for an event like a holiday party.
And you know what, THG? You SHOULD be causing a scene! This affair needs to be exposed asap! Is there a CEO of WW's company, or is OM the top dog? Do you know how to reach his wife?

How did you discover the affair? Do you have physical evidence? Does your WW have parents/family who are living? Do you have children?

No, she should not go to the party alone. This is not a topic of 'enthusiastic agreement'. It is called 'extraordinary precautions' as in she doesn't go anywhere around OM without you. (Read: 'she needs to quit her job'.)

You should not be asking for "enthusiastic agreement" about anything, you should be working on saving your marriage. Trying to negotiate with a wayward is about like trying to negotiate with a terrorist. Would you do that?

Are you interested in saving your marriage? If so, are you willing to fight for it?

p.s. the problem is not a Holiday Party, but that your marriage is being destroyed. You are asking about the peeling paint in the girl's bathroom on the sinking Titanic.

The real problem is your sinking marriage. And resolving this one conflict is a distraction from the real problem.

THG,


You absolutely need to expose to the OM wife, if you are lucky OMW will get OM to quit. Do not warn or threaten just do it. Present every thread of evidence you have, do not give them time to paint you as a nutjob.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks for all the feedback. Yes, I know this is just one of the many topics that need to be resolved. Yes, I want to save the marriage of 23 years. We have two college aged children. My wife has said that if his wife find out she will leave and never talk to me again. Everything that I read says telling the affair partners spouse rarely solves anything. That sounds like my TAKER taking action, which I am very good at.

She admits that she is confused and not sure how to move forward. He makes her happy, but she doesn't want to give up our marriage, family, house...

I bounce between giving altimatums (either we go or no one goes) and she gets pissed and then letting go and letting god... Here itelling him tha s how I feel, you make the decision.

I read a great book this weekend, not just friends, which is an exact story of our issue.

I can get ahold of her affair partners father, who owns the small business and I can get ahold of his wife. At one point I thought about talking with the affair partner and negotiating that I will expose his affair with is wife unless he convinces my wife to leave the company.

The real issue at this point. Do we stay together when she is not committed to our relationship or do I request a trial seperation?

Yes, but which path to take. A real catch 22. Make a demand and I am the jerk or let her decide and I am upset...

Expose the affair to the OM's wife.
Your wife's threats of leaving and never talking to you again if OM's wife is told of their adultery ~~~> A terrorist at work.
Until you do this exposure, you are 100% the cuckold husband.

Get ahold of OM's wife and tell her. Today.
The chit WILL hit the fan, but most importantly, the affair will be killed.

Please, read the carrot/stick link found in my sig line.

There is no catch 22.

There is an adulterous affair eating your marriage up like a cancer.
KILL the affair with exposure.

Your marriage can survive your wife's (temporary) anger.
The AFFAIR IS FAR MORE DANGEROUS !

READ the CARROT/STICK link

Please understand: She is not one bit confused. Read the second sentence in the quote above. THAT is what she wants and THAT is what she's got. And THAT is why she is bullying and threatening you - because she wants to keep BOTH.

Guess what? It's working. She knows that all she has to do is threaten to leave you, and you will back right down and let her have BOTH.

Please listen to the posters above. You will have to fight for this marriage if you want it. If you don't stand up for it by exposing your WW's adultery and by refusing to be bullied by her, then guess what?

You will remain married to a cheating woman who only uses you as a meal ticket and wallet - who is happy to let you stay home and take of things there while she goes out on dates with her boyfriend and spends all day with him at work. Is that what you want?

And even if you do this, she will leave you anyway because she will not have one ounce of respect left for you.

Please listen to the posters here and stand up and start fighting for your marriage, and stop letting your cheating WW frighten you.

Baloney. She is manipulating and threatening you.


Where in the world have you been reading?? You should ABSOLUTELY tell OMW! This is called exposure. Exposure is your best weapon for killing an affair.

Oh, sure, your WW is threaten you to keep your mouth shut and hide her dirty little secret. If you don't it will screw up the fantasy of their affair! OM will actually have to face his poor wife and the reality that his world is in jeopardy because he's been boinking an employee! He might actually dump your WW! Now why in the world would she want you to do anything to cause her affair to end?

No, sir. That sounds like a man who is stepping up to the plate to destroy his wife's affair and save his marriage.

You sound like you've been reading a few things on this site. Please read more - I fear you're taking some things out of context, and that will not help you.

I'm confused. Who actually owns the business that employs your WW - is it OM's father? If so, he is a fantastic target for exposure! OM is setting this guy up for a potential sexual harassment lawsuit - no business owner wants to have anything to do with a lawsuit.

Okay, so you've got him, and you've got OMW. Very good. You also have your children. We've got exposure letters on this site - I'll see if I can find one for the father who owns the business. You'll want to call OM's wife yourself.

Somehow, I think that you WW will pass on the party after exposure.
You need to suit up and expose this affair, THG. Not just throw ultimatums around and dump it on God.

It's highly unlikely that this plan will work. He knows that, if he forces your WW out, she could sue for sexual harassment. He's pretty much stuck with her, affair-partner or not.

Besides, you can't negotiate with waywards. It just doesn't work. It usually serves to just drive them underground and make them hide their adultery better.

My main question: Do you have physical evidence of the affair?

P.S. A man who fights for his marriage, and stands up to another man who is invading it, is not a "jerk". He's a hero.

Yep. Straight out of the Wayward Handbook. In my sitch, the OW's husband told her that he wasn't comfortable with her going out alone for drinks with a co-worker (my H.) She told her BH (Betrayed Husband) that he was 'controlling' and that 'she could have her own friends.' She told her BH to keep his mouth shut or she would leave him. Any of that sound familiar?

And the BH got scared of his wayward wife and kept his mouth shut, just like she commanded. And the emotional affair became physical. Oh, yeah, buddy- the 'keep your mouth shut' technique really works to end an affair! NOT.

They all say the same thing, THG. There's not a line she'll come up with that we haven't heard a million times before.

After exposure?
"Now you've done it! I was going to stay with you, but now you've ruined everything and I'm leaving!"

"How can I ever trust you after you've done this!"

"I hate you! You've ruined my job!"

blah blah blah. We've heard it all a million times.

By the way: the OW in my sitch? You know, the one who was going to leave her H if he exposed? Yep. They're still together. Actually, they did threaten sexual harassment at one point. It all worked out in the end, but WHAT AN AVOIDABLE MESS.

Welcome to MB, THG. Your first post has me very VERY concerned for you as a BS. Why? Because it is clear that you letting what their WS says/feels/wants/threatens guide YOUR decisions.

The BSs who can focus on following Plan A while basically ignoring the fogbabble of a crackhead wayward are the ones who make it.

The very first concept that sounds very easy but is hard to absorb is this: Your WS is NOT your wife. She is a liar and a manipulator and will do & say whatever she can to get you to allow contact to continue. We can probably more accurately predict what she will do next because most waywards are following the same script. She will continue to be this way until there is 100% NC [including no workplace contact].

So trying to "talk" your WW into recommiting to the M while working with the OM is basically useless. Your goal right now should be to bust up the affair and get NC into place. This is where Plan A/exposure comes in.

Of course your WW doesn't want you to expose. Exposure interferes greatly with the affair and crumbles the fantasy aspect of it. When the WS is angry over exposure, that's a GOOD thing and means it is working.

Again, if it isn't crystal clear ~ DO NOT talk about exposure to your WW. All she will do is try to figure out a way to prevent you from doing this. Even if you are not sure yet, DO NOT threaten or discuss this with her.

Have you read the Carrot & Stick of Plan A yet??

ps ~ the beginning of your post where you say that your WW lost weight, thus gaining the attention of OM... Just FYI, this is most likely a lie. It was probably the other way around ~ the EA started and then she lost the weight. Why am I pointing this out? Do not trust ANYTHING she tells you re: A/OM.

Oh no, everything you have read is WRONG. [and you can see the result!!] If you want to save your marriage you are going to have to stop being an enabler, Sir. By hiding their secret, you are enabling the destruction of your marriage. Affairs thrive on SECRECY, so by helping them hide it you are enabling the destruction of your marriage.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to EXPOSE the affair. You have the ammunition in your hand to kill this affair, which is the only way you can save your marriage.

But you will lose your marriage if you don't stand up here and start fighting for it. I predict you could kill this affair in one day if you exposed it because the OM is not going to lose his own marriage over a cheap piece of fun on the side. He just isn't.

Dr Harley calls men who aide and abet their wive's affairs ENABLERS. Listen to this radio link. here

No, a jerk sits by and does nothing while his marriage is under assault. A man of character stands up and fights for his marriage. You have the power in your hands to kill this affair. While there are no guarantees, I predict this is one affair that will go down in flames real quick once exposed. Your wife KNOWS the OM is terrified his wife will find out which is why she manipulated you into keeping their secret. The OM is not going to leave his wife and your W probably knows that SHE has the balls to put a stop to the affair.

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

ITA. More than likely OM made a flirtatious comment to her and she lost weight to become more attractive to him

Hi there, so sorry you have found yourself here and the problem that you now have,
There are a lot of great people here to help you, if you want to save your marriage you have to follow the steps here to save your marriage,
First of all affairs survive in secrecy, you need to expose everyone on both sides of the family the OM's wife and family, that way everyone will be watching the two of them and let me tell you the affair will no longer be fun if you bring the reality of the truth into the mix.
Sure she will be mad, so what......where is she going to go to the OM, believe me he will be busy back peddling himself, he will throw her under bus quickly and without mercy, your wife didn't mean anything to him at least not enough to break up his family for.............
Watch how quickly things fall apart for them. If your wife gives you grief, tell her you love her and your family and did the only thing you could to stop the affair and to save your marriage..........tell her you will work with her to rebuild your marriage so both of you are happy. Stay calm and look like the understanding loving one for now even though you might be hurt or angry, the first step is to stop the affair, then to build a loving relationship for the two of you.........
It takes strength to fight, a fool loses his wife to someone else because he was to weak to fight for what is his...............
Tell your wife if she continues to have a 3rd party in the marriage that she will have to leave until she can commit to your marriage .........
Be firm and loving at the same time, find some people to confide in to give you support...and come here, lots of ears and help here.......

I went to the affairs partners spouse's house and broke the heart of a lovely women by exposing the affair. I feel GREAT! She had suspected my wife was involved with her husband for weeks. "It all makes sense now" was her exact words.

After she confronts her husband she will call me tonight and I will shatter my wifes lies and secrecy.

What do I do next? Any suggestions?

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive and helping me find my voice again.