"There are many important issues to consider in deciding your future together. If your daughter were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce."

I dont get this as the statistics show that like 3% of marriages that result in one spouse leaving another and marrying the lover last so is that really good advice? Right now my wife wants to be with me. She of course realizes I am better than the OM. No surprise there. But she already cheated and is potentially carrying his baby right now. She told me that if I left she would raise the baby alone and most likely find another man besides the OM to be with. I mean if I leave her I don't really care what she does. It's her life. But of course this is my kid(proven from DNA test) then I am not going anywhere. I will try my hardest to make this work. Also, I think I will use this testing company ---> http://www.dnacenter.com/international/dna-testing/dna-test-countries.html...Any experiences with them? They say the test is 99.99% accurate if mother, potential father, and baby all send it samples.

Do your family members know so they can support you? If my son were going through this, I would want to know so I could be there for him.

I don't think his main concern is the future of THAT marriage, but the future of the betrayed spouse. Staying married to the BS under those conditions would be a nightmare. I mean, why would you be concerned about the prospects of an affair marriage if you have left? It is not your concern.

i dont want to tell my family at this point because if this turns out to be my child I know how my family will treat my wife from now on. My family is already difficult to began with. The person in my family who I am closest with is my stepfather and he knows everything but I told him not to tell anyone else. He has been divorced from my mother since 2001 however he raised me from 9 years old and loved/took care of me like a son so he may not be my biological father but in my mind he is my father. this is how I know it's possible to raise and love a child that is not yours biologically but of course he knew my mother already had 2 kids before he married her. Big difference in circumstances. My family would only complicate matters.

nbb, it sounds like your step father could be supportive, so that is a good idea to tell him.

However, your wife's family needs to be informed of her affair. Does her mother know?

oh yes the mother knows. My wife told me that her mother told her to tell me about this affair right after it happened and the pregnancy too. If this is true sometimes her mother surprises me.

Have you spoken to the mother personally? I would verify this story just to be sure. It is not uncommon for a cheater to make such claims to keep you from telling her.

Like I said before the MIL and myself aren't exactly best friends. Also, she doesnt speak any English and my Russian isn't the best. My russian is good enough of course to ask her about the affair and if she knows but it's not pretty. lol I don't see what the point is if she knows all the details regarding the A or not? She usually always supports her daughter. Anyway, if you guys think it's important i will try to talk to her one on one when my wife is at work. And what if she says she knows everything..then what? What does that mean? That what i thought of her MIL is true. And what if she doesnt know? I am going to go over there soon and they will both there. Maybe i will see if my wife, myself and her mother can all sit down and talk out. because from what my wife says her mother knows everything so she shouldn't be averse to sitting down with her mother and talking about things, right? Also what do you mean by move over MIL if she already knows now?

You need to verify with the MIL that she does know. If she already knows, as your wife avers, then it shouldn't be a problem bringing it up. Your MIL can be an ally in ensuring her DD doesn't start up the affair again.

Don't forewarn your W you are going to bring it up, just spring it on the MIL when your wife is there. "I understand from WW that you know about WW's adultery and that this child might be the child of ScumBag? What are you feelings about all this?"

"I understand you know of your daughers affair and that the child may be the child of her scummy other man. What are your thoughts about all this?"

Use this to translate:

here

nb,

you need the DNA test NOW, it will be the 1st thing that helps you decide what choices work for you

can i ask you why you want to save this marriage? you and your w have both been bad marriage partners.

you said """""" I love her..I think I do.""""""

do you or don't you love your W and why?

it has to be more than b/c she is "stunningly beautiful and sex is easy"

I know you "love babies" but if this is not your child there has to be more than that



So why?

sorry double click

Surely in order to take DNA from the baby during pregnancy, an invasive procedure must be used (such as amniocentesis). Invasive procedures carry some risk of miscarriage. You need to talk to a doctor about risks to the baby.

This is a risky proceedure. To know who the dad is now is not worth the risk.

The BH can wait till the birth. And, if he does not want the OC or to recover his marriage he can divorce and not get hit with child support.

However what the laws are in Russia?

certainly don't want to do anything that will cause harm to the baby.

Road from what nb said earlier in russia she can put his name on the b-cert if she wants to simply b/c they are married.

not sure what kind of rights he would have after that. NB?

nbb, this is coming from a FWW (former wayward wife), so I've been in your WW's shoes.

If your WW does not truly seem repentant for her actions and sincerely want to rekindle her love exclusively for you, it may be best to part ways. The only way I could change my ways was to take 100% responsibility for my sin and completely devote myself to my BH. If your WW does not seem sincere and set on loving you for life, she will likely continue to cheat. I know people who continously cheat because they never want to take responsibility for what they've done. Just please be careful and look for the signs. No matter how "bad a husband" you may have been, cheating is addictive and she'll continue to do it unless she repents and changes her attitude.

My prayers are with you!

nbb,

Let me review the bidding here.

1. Your W is pregnant and has been having an affair with another man right?

2. The child might be and probably is the OM's, right?

3. Your W is deeply attached to her mother, and her mother is deeply into controling your W, right?

4. Your MIL does not treat you well, and apparently you don't like her and can bearly tolerate her, right?

5. You don't speak the language and have no friends there, although you have been there for 3 years, right?

6. Your W is not remoresful for the affair and blames you right?

7. Your W is not remoresful for the pregnancy and wants you to rear the child...IN THE UKRAINE (sp), right?

8. Your W will only do what she has to and is only honest with when forced to, right?

9. You don't have children and you love your W because she is beautiful, not because she treats you well, or for that matter you would rather be with her than do whatever it is you do, right?

I could go on, but doesn't this about summarize this situation?

So if I am right on even half of those points, my final question is: What are you thinking and what do you think marriage is about?

You simply cannot be so pathetic that you would settle for this.

Please think about this carefully, I fear you undervalue yourself, while inflating your W's good qualities.

JL

1. yes
2. yes
3. not exactly
4. The MIL treats me fine 99% of the time. I just can't take it when she makes my wife crazy. They have like a love hate relationship where 75% of the time is hate. I get mad at my wife for staying around her mother when her mother acts so bad to her. The mother hasn't said sorry to her daughter once in her life. She is the proudest woman. It's much more complicated than you think. My wife's father left when she was 7 and the mother had to provide for her in post USSR Ukraine. Maybe you don't know what life is like here but it's not easy by any means especially when you are single mother. I know in the USA it's hard but multiply that by 100 and that's how it is here. Not starving but malnourished. Life was hard. The mother had to move to Moscow, Russia and work for like 10 years and send the money back to her daughter so her daughter could survive and attend college. So now the daughter feels obligated to her mother since her mother sacrificed so much for her. It still doesnt justify her mother treating her so bad sometimes. That is where I get mad. I always told my wife we can help your mother financially. I have no problem with that but when she starts acting so bad we have to leave and not be around here. She is a mean old lady with no man.

5.I speak the language somewhat and do have some friends now.

6. Wife is remorseful but wouldnt say repentant however she doesn't blame me now.

7.Wife is remorseful for the pregnancy but I wouldn't say repentant. And if she had her choice yes, she would rear the child in Ukraine. It's her home country and she has her life there. But she has said now she will come to the states but again I will believe it when I see it. Again, she waited 5 months to tell me she was pregnant(she couldn't hide it anymore).

8.It seems that way but I must say that sometimes I do get mad when she tell me this stuff. I said some pretty mean stuff when she laid all of this on me a couple of weeks ago. I think she is just being cautious. I have never hit her or anything but I never saw this coming and she knows this so she is being careful. Now I am being very nice and calm and she is revealing more bit by bit.

9.No, i dont love her because she is beautiful. She treats me well. It's just sometimes I can't take that her mother is so close to her. It's a long story but my wife treats me well most of the time. I also didn't always treat her well. Of course that doesn't excuse her cheating but I must be honest. The whole situation of living in a foreign country with no friends for the first couple of years and with a difficult mother always around, not speaking the language didn't make things run any smoother. There were lots of factors at play here but again, nothing excuses her cheating. I know this.

I probably am pretty pathetic now that you mention it.;-) Yes, it would seem that I have no idea what marriage is about wouldn't it? I need help.