maritalbliss and The Road,

Thanks for your edits. I like them. You omitted the part about me pursuing my career because I already told her that, in August?

schoolbus,

Actually, I don't think I need will, strength, and courage to give the letter to her. I just need or needed a realistic picture of my situation: a betrayed husband who's doing the right thing but whose wife flipped him off and as a way to regain his masculinity, was tempted to pay for sex with a prostitute.

Well, that and the recollection that a cousin of mine attempted suicide after caring for her alcoholic husband, who wandered the streets for weeks and didn't tell her his whereabouts. I'm not going down that road. This weekend crystallized for me that at this point, I can only hurt the marriage, not help it.

... Of course, I would prefer that a couple of my physically imposing friends get some tire irons in their hands and meet the OM after work in the parking lot.

As a practical matter, what about documenting Honey's adultery with the OM? Should I do this BEFORE I give her the Plan B letter?

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and no longer jobless; just broke)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10; about to go to Plan B
Have talked with lawyer twice; hate it
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife has NOT filed

No, I omitted them because you don't need to point out things you've done wrong in a Plan B letter. Both of you contributed to the issues in your M. There's time to address them during recovery.

Go back and read that letter. You'll notice that the only reference to someone doing something wrong as an individual is WW. The thing she is during wrong is committing adultery. She has to end that in order to recover the M. That's what your Plan B letter is about - not anything you've done 'wrong.'

I'm not sure I understand this question. Don't you already have confirmation of the A?

maritalbliss,

Oh, I have confirmation of the A. I just don't have confirmation of the A for a judge or jury. Should I get this?

Also, do you recommend filing for legal separation?

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and no longer jobless; just broke)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10; about to go to Plan B
Have talked with lawyer twice; hate it
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife has NOT filed

If you have confirmation of the A you don't need to do any more leg work to write a Plan B letter. That would be like proving to her that she's having an A. She already knows that.

As far as filing, I would wait. But not too long. I'd say see what she does after she gets the Plan B letter.

I'm going to amend this, MJ. I think you may want to get some legal advice and start moving on filing. I think she's played you long enough. That might give her a dose of reality, and you'll be protecting yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

I have been reading Sick of Limbos' thread with interest and have a thought. What if I messed with the OM some more? I'm talking exposing him at his new work place and calling him out personally on FB.

The con to doing both is that exposing and sparring would be emotionally draining; and Honey might file. The pro is that he might let go of my WW. He's not committed to any woman. He's said so. His wife has said so. And why would a newly divorced man in his mid-30s want to marry a woman with two young kids? Plus, as schoolbus pointed out, he cares only about money, which is why exposing him at his new work place would hit him where he's most vulnerable.

I'm just thinking out loud. I still plan to give Honey the Plan B letter in a few days. I just wonder if I could do more damage to their adulterous relationship before I go dark.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and no longer jobless; just broke)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10; about to go to Plan B
Have talked with lawyer twice; hate it
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife has NOT filed

I�d say you�re letting him live rent free in your brain.

If you haven�t exposed at work, then do so, but not because you wish to mess with him. Do it because you want to put pressure on the affair.

And don�t question why a man in his early thirties would want to be with a woman with kids. They are out there and they do. So stop worrying about things that you can�t control and focus on the things you can.

Do NOT expose him at work unless he is employed by a company that promotes or advertises itself as being family-friendly/integrity-oriented/values driven.

MJ,


Just give her the Plan B letter.

Do it today, not "in a few days". Get your act together and quit your hesitating, because you are NOT WINNING.

The more you hesitate, the more she KNOWS you are a doormat, and the more you PROVE IT.


Exposing the OM at his work? MJ, please. The time has come and gone for exposing. You have wasted enough time........


The affair is NOT about the OM. At this point:


The affair is about your WW, who sees you NOT FIGHTING. You are passively accepting what she is doing, even though it hurts, because she does not suffer any consequences. You continue to show her that you will accept her in any situation, under any circumstances, whatever SHE WANTS.

she can even flip you off

walk all over you


and yet you HESITATE to hurt her "feelings"



she has no feelings



You are losing. Go tonight, do the Plan B letter delivery.


Stop and look down. You used to have a pair down there somewhere, only "Honey" has removed them and is waving them in your face, just challenging you to do something.....


anything.....


that a MAN might do.



Only. you. won't.




SB

Here's the thing that just kills me, MJ: you hold the position of power as the BH, yet you've done NOTHING to kill this A. WHY? WHY ARE YOU TWIDDLING YOUR THUMBS???????

I agree go to plan B now, why wait? You think she will change her mind in a 48 hour period? Please LOL I don't think so.

I'm giving her the Plan B letter tonight. She will pick the kids from my place and receive my missive.

In the meantime, I received a notice from the United States Postal Service that a certified letter for me. My guess is that this is a notice for divorce papers. However, why would Honey send me an email yesterday asking if I'd like another day with our girls if she were going to serve me. And I don't recognize the sender's initials, which don't correspond with those of the divorce attorney Honey said she consulted last year.

Any thoughts?

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and no longer jobless; just broke)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In plan A at Dr. Bill Harley's advice since May '10; about to go to Plan B
Have talked with lawyer twice; hate it
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife has NOT filed

Go get the letter. How will anything you do be changed by being served D papers? You know, I received 3 letters registered since my WH left. Every single time, I thought that they were D papers, even though he can't actually file until Dec 18th this year. I got the letters, and it was nothing important. The last time, I actually had thought, "Well, if it is, how is my life gonna change?" THAT my friend, is the beauty of Plan B. YOU are seeing life without your WS as well as showing them the reality of life without you.

Doesn't mean a year later she has gone with a new lawyer.

Being nice before a bomb is dropped is a standard WW tatic. They are master's at stringing along the BH.

You know when people can't tell what's going to happen they tend to look at the signs. Some are seen some are miss read and other's are just missed.

So you want to recover and looking for signs that indicate things are going to go your way makes you miss the bad news coming.

Last year I had a temp job that I wanted to become permanent. Wanted it bad because it was fun and rewarding how ever the money and benefits were not that good. Being on the down side half of 50's and with the economy being bad it seemed that this job could get me through till SS age and then some.

I didn't get to keep the job. So I do what every one else is just keep on going.

A lot of hot air to say that not until after working there for 5 months and then waiting 2 months before operations were to restart again I never saw that they weren't going to bring me back.

How was I not smart enough to see the signs? Hard to be impartial when you are pulling for things to go the way you want.

Honey received my Plan B letter. As she was picking up our girls and in no mood to start a fight, she agreed to my suggestion to read the letter later. When she calls me, I will not answer; when she sends me an email, I will forward it to my intermediary. It's time for a new strategy with Honey.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and no longer jobless; just broke)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
Plan B begins 11/20/10
Have talked with lawyer twice; hate it
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife has NOT filed

Honey took the kids to her parents for Thanksgiving. I want to talk with our daughters, but don't want to deal with her, even through an IM. Is talking with my kids a good idea? Dr. Harley mentioned that going to Plan B without filing for legal separation can lead to custody problems.

The certified letter wasn't from Honey, by the way. It was from the feds.

------------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and no longer jobless; just broke)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
Plan B begins 11/20/10
Have talked with lawyer twice; hate it
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife has NOT filed

That's the beauty of an IM, MJ. You don't have to deal with the adulterer when you have an IM.

If the kids don't have a cell call your kids on in laws phone avoiding the WW. Then get the kids a cell of their own.

You don't plan B your kids.

You need to keep talking to the kids.

Through the IM, negotiate a time every day when you can call, and have the KIDS answer the phone.

This gives the kids a responsibility (to answer the call, to note the time, to stay on schedule for the call, and to keep in touch with Daddy). It also forces not-so-sweet-Honey to let you talk with the kids without breaking Plan B.

Don't stop contacting the kids. They will always be your children. Your WW may have other plans for your parenting, but you stay on track.
SB

MJ,

I've been in your shoes. Your kids are too young to have a phone or take care of one.

This is one of those things where you're simply going to have to live with the new reality. I would love to talk to my kids every night and I'm confident that I will do so as they get older. But for now they're too young.

Unfortunately, one of the sad adjustments to all of this is the reality that you simply won't talk to your kids as often as you'd like. I recommend you simply wait and talk to them when you can until there is a court order that sets a specific time for the phone.