So you figure she really doesn't know?

Oh, I'll betcha I could come up with a whole laundry list of complaints about my H if I wanted to. I'm sure he could do the same for me. What with being human, and all.

However, it does not serve you to air complaints about your No. 1 Person to the public at large. You seem to have taught yourself that complaints are the manner in which to communicate.

Have you considered changing your method? It's not hard, but it does take a conscious effort in the beginning. As in, when you realize that you are about to say something critical about your W, switch it up to a positive.

Instead of "My wife is a slob! She never cleans our house!" try "You should taste my wife's meatloaf! It should be in the Food Network's Hall of Fame!"

This sounds cheesy and silly, but it is in fact very simple. The side benefit is that complimenting someone makes YOU feel good. It feels GOOD to be nice. It feels GOOD to build someone else up. In fact, it gets to be downright addictive, in a GOOD way. I know this because there was a time when I was hooked on complaining. Holy Toledo, I complained about everything! It took a friend and my H to point out my bad habit and how truly unattractive it was, not just to them, but to the poor souls who were stuck, listening to my complaining.


What you are doing is blowing off steam about those issues by venting to others about your wife, instead of working constructively with her. (Which isn't very fair, btw.)

Venting doesn't solve the issues, as you've learned. So really, what gain is there in complaining?

Tom, I don't believe money is an evil thing, and I believe a man providing for his family is a very honorable thing.

The neat thing about living in the United States (you do, if I'm not mistaken?) is that in all of the world and in all of history, we are the most mobile people ever in terms of our jobs. It is easier in the U.S. than anywhere else in history to change careers.

I've been listening through old Marriage Builders radio broadcasts, picking up on a lot of things Dr. Harley doesn't mention as often as the basic concepts here. Every so often he talks about depression. I've heard him say several times that when a woman is depressed, the cause is almost always her relationship, her man, whether it be her boyfriend or her husband.

After hearing this several times, last week I heard a new addition to that: while a woman's depression is usually caused by her relationship, when a man is depressed, most of the time it is about his career.

Dr. Harley says that depression causes a situation where you can't think enough to see a solution to your problems. You get down in depression and can't find a way to crawl out and make things better.

You say the number one thing bugging you is finances, and that sure seems to be related to career. I'm wondering if there's not a way we couldn't change your environment and get you to a point where you can see your way through to solve your problems and get you somewhere where you want to be.

WHAT? I spent ten minutes trying to help a guy who is his marriage's worst enemy?? ?

So here's what we've got: a poster who is working overtime looking for justification to walk away from his clueless wife.

"Poor Wife, I tried. I spent umpteen hours posting on a marraige building website. Sorry about keeping YOU in the dark. See ya!"

LMAO!

Well then...TRY until you honestly know.

Sitting around saying and doing nothing to change these circumstances isn't doing anyone a whole lot of good.

Back in 2005 my wife arrived on these boards thinking recovery and rebuilding a loving marriage of extraordinary care and passion was completely impossible to achieve.

Guess what...it happened.

MB works...

Trust me...your wife's WANTS better than she's getting and if you open up to her and discuss this with her you won't regret it.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - You took a vow to this woman to love, honor and cherish her. If you can't live up to your vows than you are by far uglier than her in every meaning of the word. This problem of conflict avoiding is YOUR problem. Call the MB radio show (free) and get some advice directly from Dr. Harley and get a plan to TRY and salvage your marriage before you have kids.

x2 on the radio show. And you have some time off very soon...

I don't want to because of the negative feelings you are right. I don't enjoy it as much when it does occur because of the lack of physical attraction can make it feel more like work. So the combination keeps it from happening often.

Not 100% true. the biggest obstacle I believe to working the program with my wife is the radical honesty part.

That bell has been rung enough before, can we ignore that. That friend is not a hinderance on the relationship I have with my wife.

Its not that I believe a relationship should not take any work. I believe that it shouldn't be exausting though. There should be some parts of it that come naturally/easy. There should be things that you do enjoy in the relationship that are not because work has been put in for it.

There is no rewriting going on, and again there is no current EA. There has been emotionally leaning on another person at times, but it is not constant.
The statement I made was accurate, I was not physcially attracted to my wife prior to or since marriage. That was not one of the factors in my decision to get married.

I agree that venting does not solve issues, but the purpose in venting is not always to try and solve them. It is more just getting them off your chest to someone who understands or relates to them. It gives you a feeling of not being alone in those feelings. They are still there, but they are easier to swallow if others are there with you.

The comment about changing my habits is not hard. That is comical; changing my habits are some of the hardest things to do.

This. This is everything.

I don't believe that there is an enemy to the marriage. There are two people who are simply trying to be happy in their lives. Whatever that takes, whatever that road is, I don't see an enemy. And I am not looking for justification to walk away from my wife. I love her very much, and I have been trying for a few years now to make things better and be happy in the marriage, I want us both to be happy.

If this right here is true, then why are you so against trying a program that could actually help you accomplish this?

The goal of MB is to create a loving, passionate marriage that will be fulfilling for both partners.

You say you don't think it's possible to do that in your marriage, but you haven't even tried. How can you possibly say that a program won't work if you haven't tried it?

As I have said, I do not want to be radically honest with my wife. I believe all that will cause is pain. Even though some of you may think otherwise, I do not enjoy causing pain on people I care about.

And the idea of not knowing if it will work, I don't see how a program will change someones appearance enough so that I am physically attracted to them, when I never was in the first place.

And you think it isn't going to cause her pain when you have a couple of kids with her and then dump her?

It would never be as simple as, just dumping someone. Please don't make it seem like it would be a spur of the moment, hey its time to do this decision. I understand that it would be life changing. There are some people out there that get divorced and are still able to be civil/if not friendly with one another. It happens.

Again, this is not something I want to happen any time soon. Right now I want the relationship to be a good one. It is just very hard to do when I am also not happy outside of the marriage.