Call OM's father/company owner and let him know that his son has been carrying on an affair with a company employee. Tell him that you have spoken to his daughter-in-law and that she also suspected the same and is devastated. Suggest that he call dil to give her support.
Do this calmly and in a business-like way. Let the owner know that you do not wish to upset him, but he, as a business owner, is certainly aware of the position of liability in which he has been placed.
You'll need to do this quickly. OM will spin this to his father as soon as he finds out that his BW knows.

By the way: GOOD ON YA, THG!
And don't for one second take any blame for breaking OMW's heart. OM did that! As a former betrayed wife, I applaud you for having the decency to let her know what has been going on.
(And you've saved your own M in the bargain - does it get any better than that?)

Hi again,
I also found out from my husband's OW's husband, he had phone records and had followed his wife a few times, I also had a suspicion, don't worry about breaking her heart, I was grateful for the news, no one deserves to be kept in the dark, everyone deserves to make their own decisions about their lives.......
Sit tight and wait for the exposure to work and break up the affair.....
They will be mad, so what, you tell your wife, I love you and I am just trying to save my marriage.......just keep reapeating in the broken record effect.........
Tell her what ever she decides is up to her now..........
Don't ask her to move out, you can better work at saving your marriage if you continue to live under the same roof...........
You tell your wife, you will expect no contact, transparency and so you can rebuild the trust issues.......
Be calm but firm.
Remember everything that comes out of her mouth will be fog babble look it up......
It takes a few weeks of no contact for the fog to lift, quitting her job should be something she should do, this is to avoid the affair from continuing ..........
Hang tight, and so glad you have found your voice..........this is when you find out what you are made of...........

Good job!! It will be important to expose this to other key friends and family and do it TODAY so your exposure has a tsunami effect on the affairees. Your wife and her lover will be furious anyway so you should get your money's worth. A half baked exposure will avail you nothing except a very pissed off adulterer. So do it right and do it completely. It is like shooting the intruder with a BB gun; it is just enough to infuriate him but not enough to stop him. You need to shoot enough to KILL the affair.

Here is what you should do TODAY.

1. get on the phone and call your wife's family and close friends. Expose the affair to them, giving them the facts. Tell them you love your wife and want to save your marriage. ask them to use their influence to persuade your wife to end her adultery. ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE. <----- this seems to gain their investment in your cause

2. call your childrena and tell them all about the affair- ask them to speak to their mother

3. send a certified letter to a key VP, the director of Human Resources and the supervisors of both your w and the OM. Very important to cc them all on this letter so no one gives into the temptation to ditch the letter. WE HAVE A TEMPLATE FOR THE LETTER.

THG,

I feel GREAT! She had suspected my wife was involved with her husband for weeks. "It all makes sense now" was her exact words.

Good for you, it is likely OM has done this many times and his poor wife has had a sick feeling for years. You have no obligation to lie for people who lie.

You stepped up and reported the crime rather than turning your back on an innocent victim, come what may you are a hero for that.

God Bless
Gamma

Also, when your wife finds out, she will go nuts. She will rant, rave, scream, yell, threaten, blah, blah, yip and yappoooo. She will say really stupid stuff like "I can't trust you" "I am getting a divorce.." "blah, blah and super blah.

You have just taken the car keys away from the falling down drunk. Her words are the meaningless shrieks of the addict.

Don't let this bother you and most of all: DON'T LAUGH. It will be so ridiculous but you shouldn't laugh. Don't fight and let her engage you,

Simply tell her "I am so sorry you are upset, dear. Can I get you a potato chip?" Be sweet and pat her on her dear little head.

Wait a few days until she gets over her anger and gets used to the idea that her affair has been killed and then sit her down and have a little come to Jesus that goes something like this:

Dear, I am willing to give you a chance to earn my forgiveness. I would consider staying in this marriage under certain conditions, but I won't stay in a loveless marriage where you are in contact with the OM.

The first thing that must happen, therefore, is that you leave that job and commit to never seeing or speaking to the [censored] OM again. These are the things that will keep me interested in this marriage:

Please also get ahold of the OM's father TODAY and tell him all about the affair.

I would also plan on having a man to man with the as*hat OM and letting him know if he ever contacts your wife again, that HELL IS COMING HIS WAY. Tell him he will hear from you every time and that you will call his wife.

edited to add, hopefully you know it is folly to negotiate with a terrorist. You just expose and blow the SOB out of the water.

When your wife finds out, just be prepared to meet Linda Blair from the Exorcist and you won't be disappointed. Keep plenty of tissues on hand to wipe off the projectile u-no-what.

Great information everyone. Thanks for taking the time to help me. I am giving the affair partners wife time to confront him when he gets home from work and then I will put your plans into action.

My toughest moments will be telling my adult children (19 and 21). The youngest is 1,100 miles away at college. We will be strong and address this as a family problem.

I truly appreciate everyones support and suggestions.

Why are you waiting?

Don't wait! You have the initiative now, keep exposing!

If you wait, that will give WW time to spin her story to your kids, relatives, and friends. She thinks she has you cowed, but once she finds out you exposed to OMW she will be on guard and will try to minimize the damage and get you back under her thumb.

Keep making phone calls and sending emails!

I would not wait much longer. This needs to be done on the same day while you have a strategic advantage. You only have a small window of time to get in the best exposure.


I would have this conversation with your boys ALONE, THG. Tell them the truth and enlist in helping persuade your wife to end her adultery. They do have a right to know about what is happening in their family.


You are doing great! Just please don't give up before you have completed the job.

I agree with the others. Continue exposing. She will have a fit. That's to bad. Its called a consequence. I am glad that you are not allowing her to bluff you. If she leaves (which I doubt that she will) she will only increase the consequence of her betrayal. Now you can tell her to go ahead to the party and have a good time. In fact I would be inclined to force her to go, now that the word is out. I wouldn't be surprised if she quits tomorrow. Best of luck.

Keep exposing trickle exposure is only going to hurt you.

I also agree. Complete a total exposure NOW. It is far more effective to get the truth out there first. She's going to be irate anyway. Get the maximum bang for your emotional buck. Target those who will have influence and do it as a call for help and advice to save your marriage. You may also get some needed support for yourself. Buckle up and stay strong.

Interesting 36 hours. Your input is appreciated.

1. I went to the affair partners house, spoke with the spouse and exposed the affair. 3:00 PM

2. My wife came home and I told her about exposing the affair. She took her purse and left the house 7:00 PM

3. My oldest son came home and we went to her parents house so that we could tell him about the affair. She wasn't there so he called her and she came home about 45 minutes later. 7:10 PM

4. The affair partners spouse called asking if I thought the affair was over. She was having 'the' discussion with her husband. 7:15 PM

5. I sent an email to our parents and siblings exposing the affair and asking for their advice and support. I left a voice mail message for the father of the affair partner and owner of the company exposing the affair. 7:20 PM

6. My wife came home and exposed the affair to my son (21 yrs). She blamed my behavior this summer as the reason. I told our son this is terrible news and we were there to support him get through it.

7. 7:00 AM - Went to my wifes work and met with the affair partner. Told him to stay away from my wife or I would contact his wife. He thanked me for exposing them, said it was eating him up inside and that he and his wife were working through the issue (up all night talking). Among many things I asked that he consider some financial package since she worked there for 24 years and would have to transition into a new job in a tough economy (looking back this was a mistake). I slept great for the first time in weeks. My wife was up all night also. It should be noted his wife has a very strong prenuptual agreement.

7a. Stopped by my wifes parents house and discussed what had happended the day before. I told them she was probably going to loose her job.

8. My wife called and said she was meeting with the company lawyers later in the day. She was very upset and eventually came home for the day. Again very upset.

9. I told her the work environment was disfunctional, that she had to make a break from the affair partner to move forward, and that I loved her and did this in order to save our marriage. She has worked there for 24 years. I told her she could make a new start at a more professional company and have a great new career. 12:00 (noon)

10. She returned from the meeting and still had her job. The meeting was to discuss the work environment following the affair with the company owner, they initiated an investigation and asked that I stay off the premesis. The lawyer called me later in the day to make the same request. 2:00 PM

11. My wifes parents came over and talked with my wife. They told her about the family email message and my discussion with them earlier in the day. She was very upset. 3:30 PM

12. I was in a great mood all day. The affair had been exposed, she was going to be taken out of the work place environment and not have daily contact with him. Now I am the bad guy. From her perspective I almost cost her a job that she gets allot of satisfaction. I over communicated to our family.

13. She is back to work today. I actually feel much better and less threatened that the affair has been exposed. Does anyone have suggestions for the next steps?

You did a great job, THG!! Even though she has not left the job YET, you should keep up the pressure until she does. Of course you are not the bad guy! The ones who had the affair are bad, not the ones who exposed it. DO NOT let the reaction of the cheater bother you in the least. The whole family should know about the affair becuase it affects the whole family.

You need to stick to your guns and plan to separate if she won't quit the job. This will be hopeless if she doesn't leave. There is no chance. What you are facing is years of on again, off again affairs with her boss until she leaves. You will die a death of a thousand cuts. Recovery of your marriage is IMPOSSIBLE unless she leaves.

I would tell her this will not work. SHE HAS TO LEAVE IN ORDER FOR YOUR MARRIAGE TO RECOVER. That is absolutely non-negotiable. Tell her there is no other way. DON'T EVEN CONSIDER BACKING DOWN FROM THIS CONDITION.

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

p.s. I would also suggest that you contact the OM's wife and tell her that your respective marriages will NEVER recover as long as they still work at the same company. They will both be in a state of perpetual withdrawal and the affair will be on again, off again. Recovery is impossible this way.

MelodyLane - Thank you for the thoughtful suggestions and advice.

I do feel better that the affair has been exposed and do not feel the intense mis-trust when she left for work this morning, but at the same time I understand that this has probably driven them further under-ground and provided fuel to the fire, so to speak.

I have a tendancy to 'think' learn and then drive to my new found knowledge, which is seen by her as controlling. This is one of the traits that allowed the affair to begin in the first place. How do I require her to leave her job when she will see this as a huge deposit from the love bank and may be the end of our marriage?

THG, staying at the job is much worse than a lovebuster, it is a deal breaker for your marriage. Continued contact with her lover is profoundly disrespectful to you and makes it impossible to save your marriage. So, you bet your boots it is a lovebuster!!! It will drain your lovebank down to the HATRED state if you are expected to be abused and tormented by watching her go off to see her OM every day.

You tell her IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that your marriage will lead to divorce if she doesn't leave the job. To do otherwise will not only drain your lovebank but it will destroy your marriage.


Exactly. As long as they work together every day, the motive and opportunity is there EVERY DAY. The way to recover is to remove both. Asking you to endure her continued contact is cruel and unusal punishment. It is inappropriate to expect you to tolerate this disrespect.