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Then why dont you tell your wife that the marriage is not working out and you are not happy?...all you are doing is delaying the inevitable...You are gonna hurt her one way or the other...if you tell her now you can divorce and give your W a chance to find someone that treats her like an adult, with respect. Not like a child that cannot handle the truth...You are NOT doing her any favors here!
She needs a H that loves and cherishes her....not one that thinks at 30 that her best years are behind her....or that doesnt find her attractive. Or doesnt even think the M is worth trying to save, for crying out loud! Grow up, you are acting like a child!
If you are on here to save your M....Then do something about it!!!!!!!
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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I have said, I do want to make the marriage/relationship better. I have said that multiple times, but you on here seem to think that is not true.
I have also said I do not want a divorce at this time. Neither of us is in a position to handle a divorce at this time.
I do love her and care very much about her.
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I have said, I do want to make the marriage/relationship better. I have said that multiple times, but you on here seem to think that is not true. Sayin' aint doin'.
This stuff that's hurting right now, this pain, this fear,
it's temporary.
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This I know, but it is also a 2 way street.
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What concrete actions are you taking now to make your marriage better?
50+ yo couple enjoying our empty nest.
Young adult kids out on their own.
"Enthusiastic agreement?" is our catch phrase.
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Tom, can you take a moment and describe for us what exactly you envision 'happiness' as? What will you do when you are finally happy? Like, day to day...
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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But you won't change. It is more important to you to justify your continuing animosity toward your wife than to make changes that would allow you to find happiness. Actually, if I understand Tom correctly, the reason he won't try the program is because he believes it would be a lot of work and that happiness shouldn't take that much work. Do I understand correctly, Tom? Not 100% true. the biggest obstacle I believe to working the program with my wife is the radical honesty part. Okay, I see. Thanks for correcting my misunderstanding. So it would be accurate to say you pretty much believe the program can work, you just don't believe it's worth it to pay the cost of being radically honest?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I don't believe that she would want to end this now as you say. I believe she would want to try and work through things. But I am also not ready to end this now, nor do I believe she is. I want us both to be in a better place financially and personally before it ever comes to that. In the mean time, I do want to try and make our marriage as happy and meaningful as it can be until then.
The other decision is still out there on how much we actually work to have children. We both want kids, she wants them now, I am not sure because of all this and I want things to be better financially for it as well. Though we are not getting any younger. You know, if you ended this marriage and began another relationship, it would take effort to make that relationship happy as well. In fact, it would take more effort. You can learn those lessons here with the woman you are married to, or you can learn them down the road in a few years, with even more struggles, with the odds stacked against you even higher. Your best shot at happiness is right here. Its not that I believe a relationship should not take any work. I believe that it shouldn't be exausting though. There should be some parts of it that come naturally/easy. There should be things that you do enjoy in the relationship that are not because work has been put in for it. The last sentence sounds exactly like what I'm saying: work now so that it can be effortless later. Maybe I'm misunderstanding you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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As I have said, I do not want to be radically honest with my wife. I believe all that will cause is pain. Even though some of you may think otherwise, I do not enjoy causing pain on people I care about.
And the idea of not knowing if it will work, I don't see how a program will change someones appearance enough so that I am physically attracted to them, when I never was in the first place. I can tell you that in my experience, the fuller my "love bank" is, the more attractive I find my wife. The Love Bank is a real scientific model for the human brain, by the way. It's not just a metaphor. Brain scans actually show the activity in the brain is different for people who are in a state of romantic love with each other.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I don't believe that she would want to end this now as you say. I believe she would want to try and work through things. But I am also not ready to end this now, nor do I believe she is. I want us both to be in a better place financially and personally before it ever comes to that. In the mean time, I do want to try and make our marriage as happy and meaningful as it can be until then.
The other decision is still out there on how much we actually work to have children. We both want kids, she wants them now, I am not sure because of all this and I want things to be better financially for it as well. Though we are not getting any younger. You know, if you ended this marriage and began another relationship, it would take effort to make that relationship happy as well. In fact, it would take more effort. You can learn those lessons here with the woman you are married to, or you can learn them down the road in a few years, with even more struggles, with the odds stacked against you even higher. Your best shot at happiness is right here. Its not that I believe a relationship should not take any work. I believe that it shouldn't be exausting though. There should be some parts of it that come naturally/easy. There should be things that you do enjoy in the relationship that are not because work has been put in for it. The last sentence sounds exactly like what I'm saying: work now so that it can be effortless later. Maybe I'm misunderstanding you. I read something in a Jewish marriage help book that Marriages output as much happiness as the input of work, or something to that regards. And, I've found it to be true. Steph (marriage book Junkie... MB makes the most sense to me and is the marriage I want)
Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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This I know, but it is also a 2 way street. How can she work her side of the street when you haven't introduced her to the program? You said she wants you to be happy. Why wouldn't she give this a shot if you tell her about it and tell her you believe it works? For the record, the radical honesty you are worried about is much easier a little further down the road. Prisca has told me some things this year she was absolutely terrified to tell me, and she was surprised by the results.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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As I have said, I do not want to be radically honest with my wife. I believe all that will cause is pain. Even though some of you may think otherwise, I do not enjoy causing pain on people I care about.
And the idea of not knowing if it will work, I don't see how a program will change someones appearance enough so that I am physically attracted to them, when I never was in the first place. I can tell you that in my experience, the fuller my "love bank" is, the more attractive I find my wife. The Love Bank is a real scientific model for the human brain, by the way. It's not just a metaphor. Brain scans actually show the activity in the brain is different for people who are in a state of romantic love with each other. That may very well be true, but is there anything wrong with wanting to have someone who you are physically attracted to regardless of feelings being involved. That simple, primal, look at her and see that she is hot attraction.
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I'm sorry but I can not relate a job situation to a relationship situation the same way. The financial/money factor is completely different. Even though money seems to be an evil thing in our society anymore, we need it to pay the bills, pay off our debt, keep food on the table, and a roof over our heads. You have to have it. Messing with someones financial situation is just wrong. Tom, I don't believe money is an evil thing, and I believe a man providing for his family is a very honorable thing. The neat thing about living in the United States (you do, if I'm not mistaken?) is that in all of the world and in all of history, we are the most mobile people ever in terms of our jobs. It is easier in the U.S. than anywhere else in history to change careers. I've been listening through old Marriage Builders radio broadcasts, picking up on a lot of things Dr. Harley doesn't mention as often as the basic concepts here. Every so often he talks about depression. I've heard him say several times that when a woman is depressed, the cause is almost always her relationship, her man, whether it be her boyfriend or her husband. After hearing this several times, last week I heard a new addition to that: while a woman's depression is usually caused by her relationship, when a man is depressed, most of the time it is about his career. Dr. Harley says that depression causes a situation where you can't think enough to see a solution to your problems. You get down in depression and can't find a way to crawl out and make things better. You say the number one thing bugging you is finances, and that sure seems to be related to career. I'm wondering if there's not a way we couldn't change your environment and get you to a point where you can see your way through to solve your problems and get you somewhere where you want to be. Tom, I was curious if you read this post and, if so, what you thought.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Tom, can you take a moment and describe for us what exactly you envision 'happiness' as? What will you do when you are finally happy? Like, day to day... A lack of stress over finances would go a long way to happiness. Having the time and energy to relax, enjoy life, spend time with friends and family. Happiness is not something that I have ever fully known, so I'm still trying to figure it out for myself as well what it will really look like.
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Markos, I am attempting to make changes in that relm. I do agree with many parts of it. I don't want to go into detail about it on here though.
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As I have said, I do not want to be radically honest with my wife. I believe all that will cause is pain. Even though some of you may think otherwise, I do not enjoy causing pain on people I care about.
And the idea of not knowing if it will work, I don't see how a program will change someones appearance enough so that I am physically attracted to them, when I never was in the first place. I can tell you that in my experience, the fuller my "love bank" is, the more attractive I find my wife. The Love Bank is a real scientific model for the human brain, by the way. It's not just a metaphor. Brain scans actually show the activity in the brain is different for people who are in a state of romantic love with each other. That may very well be true, but is there anything wrong with wanting to have someone who you are physically attracted to regardless of feelings being involved. That simple, primal, look at her and see that she is hot attraction. Nothing wrong with that per se. But, * you'd probably find you felt exactly that way, that attraction, if you guys worked this program, and * the road to happiness with some other woman is going to entail a lot more work and pain for you than the road to that same destination with this woman whom you are married to now
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You could be right on both of those accounts (could be). And maybe it is wrong of me to feel this way, but I want to have someone who I look across a room at, whether I even know them or not and they make my head turn, and stir something up in me that just makes me want them.
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You could be right on both of those accounts (could be). And maybe it is wrong of me to feel this way, but I want to have someone who I look across a room at, whether I even know them or not and they make my head turn, and stir something up in me that just makes me want them. You've been watching too many movies. That love at first site, they saw each other across a crowded room and just "knew" they were meant for each other, rode off into the sunset on the back of a white horse thing just doesn't exist in real life. In real life, relationships take work. They have high points and low points, good times and bad. And even if you found that "hot" chick, someday she'd get older. She'd have a few kids, some stretch marks, gain a few pounds, develop crow's feet and laugh lines and liver spots. What would you do then? Trade her in for a newer and younger model?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I'm not asking for love at first site. I know "love" at first site does not happen. I'm not that naive. I also know that people eventually get older and do not look the same. But if I am on my death bed at 90 and look back and never had that time with someone that "hot", it will be a damn shame. Everyone should have that opportunity.
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I'm not asking for love at first site. I know "love" at first site does not happen. I'm not that naive. I also know that people eventually get older and do not look the same. But if I am on my death bed at 90 and look back and never had that time with someone that "hot", it will be a damn shame. Everyone should have that opportunity. Well, if being with someone "hot" was such a priority for you, why didn't you think about that before you married someone that you didn't find physically attractive? And you never answered my question. What bothers you about your wife's appearance other than her weight?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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