If you really do like these things, and she wants praise for it, what's stopping you from praising her? Wouldn't that be a good way for you to get what you want? (And her as well?)

Tom, there are a lot of things in life where you can get 80% of the benefit with only 20% of the effort. You focus your effort on the most important things, and even if the lesser things slide, you can still do a good job.

But other skills, you aren't really effective until you can do most of it. You only get 20% of the benefit until you've put in 80% of the effort, so to speak.

I can see both of these kinds of issues in Marriage Builders.

Emotional Needs is the first kind of issue. You can waste your time trying to meet all TEN emotional needs, and most or all of them are important to most husbands and wives. But most of your effort on the bottom five emotional needs will be wasted, and you'd get better results putting all that effort into needs that are more important to your spouse. Example: a wife always cooks great dinners for her husband, taking three hours at a time, but only has sex with him once a week, and he'd rather she get a hamburger at McDonald's and make love to him more often.

But the Marriage Builders program as a whole is the second kind of issue. Each concept in Marriage Builders is much, much, much more effective when all of the concepts are implemented and the skills learned together. You can meet emotional needs till the cows come home and it will do practically no good if you are still committing Love Busters, for example.

The work you are doing will work better if you try to go "all in."

There's another reason people are focusing on honesty, Tom.

As long as you are keeping this other woman as your friend, your brain (the Love Bank) is keeping an account open for her, and it will prevent your wife from having a chance to fill her account.

The Love Bank is a real scientific model, Tom. This is essentially how the brain really works.

If you'd cut that woman out of your life you'd probably multiply the effectiveness of this program by 100.

And if you'd be honest with your wife, it'd probably cut the woman out of your life.

Plus, you can't possibly be practicing concepts like POJA if you aren't following PORH. And your wife can't meet Emotional Needs if you aren't following PORH, either. You say you are doing this program, but by leaving this concept out you are preventing practically everything from working.

The program works, Tom.

Have you read the four types of honesty, Tom? I'm curious how much of this program you read this summer.

Tom, what's the worst that could happen if you practiced PORH and your wife got upset. What are you fearing?

What would you do if you were not afraid?

She does know certain things make me happy, she recognizes it, comments on it at times, but many of them are things she does not enjoy doing, or doesn't feel she has time to do. I don't enjoy doing them either, but they are things that need to be done by someone. When she doesn't, I get stuck doing it all.

Should we have to praise someone every time they do something that is necessary and expected. When they go above and beyond, yes that deserves praise, but every single time something necessary is done, seems a bit much to me.

Markos,

I did read through the information over the summer, I will admit I have forgotten a great deal of it since the school year started back up, there has not been time to spend on these types of things really.
I just went back through and looked at the 4 types of honesty.
Emotional- I am somewhat honest with her on this, most of the time she can read me well, but I do keep many reactions from her to avoid the arguments that they could cause.
Historical- There was definetly mutual honesty there. We did not hide anything from our past from one another.
Current-Again, some, but I reserve some information for myself. I believe we should be able to have a piece of ourselves that we dont' have to share.
Future- We have shared overall ideas about what we both want.

I dont know what you mean by what is necessary and expected but....I know that it is nice to say thank you sometimes when you do something that is expected, like having a nice hot dinner on the table when you get home or picking up the dry cleaning and such...a nice "thanks hun" once in a while is always nice...I would call it more appreciation than praise I guess....

Necessary and expected- basic things like helping take care of the house. Keeping the house clean, doing other things around the house that need to be done. Then you have other things that add on to that, grocery shopping, cooking, paying bills. When one person is doing almost all of those things, it takes a toll.

Are you a Taurus......?

Ooooo....wait wait....no...Aquarius. Thats it right?

I don't care much about those signs. What are you trying to make reference to?

Your a stubborn one arent ya? Thats all I was trying to say...but I can be stubborn too so, nothing wrong with that.

Thats why I keep posting on your thread. I am stubborn too....I am hoping eventually it will click in your mind that being truthful is the right thing to do...

Yes I am stubborn. I am still here and I still do want to make my marriage better. But no, I don't agree with the idea of all or nothing. I have a hard time with being told it has to be done a certain way instead of having options.

Its just that there are a boatload of people who improved or even saved their marriages the MB way...its proven...and we all want you to make your M better also...

When in doubt tell the truth - Mark Twain. Truth will set you free..... and so on... about truth, you are not telling your wife the truth because you are scared of the consequences� not because you are a nice guy and you don�t want to hurt her feelings, if you were a nice guy you would be honest with her�. you are not telling your wife the truth because you are afraid� That is a natural human reaction, but until you have the guts to tell the truth nothing will change in your life� tell the truth �. Figure out a way to tell the truth.. write a note/letter �
Don�t do it all at once (in response to the all or nothing comment), but start somewhere if you want to save your marriage�
I started with elimination of LB, not an easy thing but I am working on it� Then move on to other things� UA� and so on�
But when you start with elimination of the LB you will be surprised that somewhere along the way you have been lying to yourself too � so you will need to be honest there� and eventually you will need to be honest with your wife�

In a lot of your discussions, Tom, you use the word believe. Especially when talking about honesty. What if your belief system is resulting in behavior that makes both of you unhappy?

I think there are a handful of things that are contributing to the unhappiness, can't just blame one thing.