((((((((((((WPG))))))))))))


Fight, damnit, FIGHT!!!!


If the gate is open, get it all in the freaking air!!!!


Endure!!!!!

It is a catch 22

The more you care the more it hurts.

You need to love him to recover but in loving him, each snub is so painful and each remark is so scathing...

If you withdrawl...they won't hurt so much and you won't feel....anything.


You need to feel your feelings and let him feel is. Let the wave wash over you. You both will come out the other side and be okay....it just doesn't seem like that now.

I know, I'm flailing and failing right along with you.

H, I know you are shaking and you think things are hopeless, you have hurt your husband and he is not believing you love him enough to help me get through this, you have to put your own feelings aside for now, make sure his needs are met, make his father the most important thing you help him with now......he is looking for your understanding and your support through this time, he is feeling unimportant to you, this is the way you show him, you go do something for his dad without being asked to he will notice................it will show him you think your effort is important to give to him .............when you have an affair and the third person is there, the BS always thinks that this person is more important to you, this is the thing you have to change..................
take whatever he gives you and remember it's all for the bigger end picture........
First it comes from you and then in time you will see how much you get back.......
This takes an incredible amount of humility and giving............whatever it takes, speak honestly, if you feel it say it......tell him what you are thinking and how you feel, what have you got to lose at this point.......

thank you...

ah God...all I am thinking right now is I f***ed up today leaving him that letter. I f***ed up big time. I freaked out. I left work, I went home to try and find him and he wasn't there. I went to his work. Stupid, I know. Sat outside and he just kept telling me to go away, he couldn't deal with me there. I know it was a dumb thing to do but I just wanted to see him. I left a note on his car.

God I am such a fool. Such a stupid, f***ing fool.

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I'd lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned

[Chorus]
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent

[Chorus]
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew
If you only knew

If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
You help me live and learn

[Chorus]
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew

Please, God, don't let this be the end of us.

"And I was pretty good at not mentioning the dang b-day to him at all till last night a Chuck E Cheese commercial"

This is why your recovery is FUBAR.

Why are you playing games about your BD?
Why did you have to avoid mentioning it before during and after that day?

Stop playing games.

This is all you ever do here

Suck it up!

Don't let him retreat this time! It's now or never!!!!

Tell him YOU ARE NOT LEAVING, YOU DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO FIGHT!!!!!

DO NOT GIVE IN!!!

ouch, theroad. I vent here because I try my hardest not to vent in front of H. I am trying to meet his needs and to do everything I can but I cannot stop hurting sometimes. I know that my pain is nothing to what he feels and because of that I want us to help each other. I want to help him heal but I am breaking against the wall he's built. The wall that I caused him to reinforce, ten times stronger than before.

I wasn't playing games about my b-day. He knew it was my b-day, I didn't need to remind him. I was going to suck it up and be a big girl about it and treat it like any other day. I made a stupid comment without thinking, on the surface thinking it was just a funny thing to say (I mean, it is Chuck E Cheese, for gosh sakes), but in hindsight I guess it was my Taker popping out. I realize I am not being completely O&H with my H about my feelings but when I do, stuff like today happens. He gets furious and brings up the A again. Part of me feels like that when I am honest about how I feel, it does more harm than good.

I may not have said everything "right" in my letter to him today but I at least tried to be honest.

I am NOT leaving! I am NOT giving up on him!

Do I have any legal rights to staying in the house? I mean, I don't even know. What if he throws me out? Can he do that? I am the one who committed adultery. Would he do that??? He's so angry with me right now.

Understandable; before the extent of betrayal is revealed, it's easier to hope... this is why trickle-truthing is horrible. Each revelation is another mortal wound to hope - each step takes a little more wind out of your sails. It is not easier to get the truth in chunks. And honestly, with trickle-truth, every time you move out of shock... another blow, and you are on your [censored] again.


Hard. While we were facing this, my dad lost his best friend. I am numb enough with death to begin with... and my dad handles it hard. I know he needed support... but I didn't have anything to give, I was on empty. I can't imagine if it were actually my dad instead. As it was, I have known his friend all my life; he took us deep sea fishing when I was 16, and we often went boating with him. In fact, I had just been hanging with him and my dad camping and drinking beer this summer...


I can't imagine carrying these thoughts... all I have to resent is pure, dirty, scuzzy, selfish, cake eating. It doesn't make it better. It would not be any better to betrayed for so much less as I was. The feeling is still the same "hope you found what you were looking for, hope it was worth it."


... and that is what stings.



Pure resentment, with a stinging jab thrown in for good measure.

"I wasn't playing games about my b-day. He knew it was my b-day, I didn't need to remind him. I was going to suck it up and be a big girl "

No you were not a big girl and sucked nothing up.

You wanted recognition of your BD. Valid need. You did play games because you had to hide your unhappiness on how your BD went down to you hid your disapointment in a joke. Well you hid nothing.

You need to now do the heavy work. You had the energy to do the OM now do the recovery.

BH were going out to get a pizza tonight for my BD. You could of said this the night before, tomorrow were.....

Doing and crying are not the same thing.

wpg,

I've heard Dr Harley say this on the radio show. I couldn't tell you now which one it was; it was a while ago.

He said that in a case like yours, where the WS refuses to make a decision or to get on board with recovery, a decision is, in fact, being made; i.e., not to recover. That is the WS's right, of course.

He wrote that he was "done" yesterday. Is he still saying this today?

My BH says "I'm done" at least once a month. I thought we were to stay and try to ease their suffering. Am I wrong?

I wasn't suggesting that the WS give up whenever the BS says "I'm done".

Dr Harley said that, for recovery to work, the BS has to get on board. If the BS refuses to do this, there will be no recovery. I don't think Dr H said anything about a timeline for the BS to make some sign of commitment.

I haven't read your thread sunny, and I will try to do so. Meanwhile, I strongly recommend an email to the radio asking Dr Harley to talk about how the WS should deal with a broken BS who cannot commit to recovery but does not leave the marriage.

WPG,

It's been a hard road for you. I get it.

You've seen a glimpse of the end of the rainbow, and you want it so bad, that you just can't wait to get there.

Your taker saw it, too. And she is pissed. She wants it NOW.

But, your BH is walled up in withdrawal, and it's hard to find the cracks.

You are tossing grains of rice at that wall, trying to get to him, trying to nourish him inside of his shell.

What's the best way to do this? Is it throwing a single grain at a time, aiming for those little cracks and hoping you hit? Or do you throw handfuls each time, so that you increase your chances? I would further bet on handfuls.

With single grains, your sack of rice may last longer, but it's harder to get any through. With handfuls, you will have more success, but that bag is going to empty more rapidly.


Your taker is mixing rabbit turds in with the rice... and those are making it through, and BH obviously doesn't like the taste.


Breathe.


I'm hoping that what happened wasn't the final blow, but your BH finally peeking out from withdrawal into conflict.

Haven't heard anything from H today. I tried talking last night - he went straight to bed after getting home so I followed him - not 10 minutes later DD#2 comes and gets in bed with us and she's wide awake so kind of stopped the conversation. I woke up before he did this morning and offered to help him get some things ready for work (they had a Christmas party today) and he said he didn't need anything. I got the checkbook caught up and moved some money into checking, which he has been taking care of. Washed some containers for him that he needs for taking candy to work. Texted him a couple pics of the girls today (they were with me at the office this afternoon) - I took them with me when I took my staff to lunch today so sent him a pic from the restaurant and later one where they'd trashed my office...

I sent him an email apologizing for being selfish, and tried to explain how I know I am not being O&H because I hide my feelings so that he doesn't see that I am hurting, because I'm afraid.

I did send an email to the radio show - thank you, SugarCane, for that suggestion. I'll keep you all posted. I can totally see there would be no marital recovery if one spouse or the other wouldn't get "on board." There can be individual recovery, certainly.

I like the rice analogy. Yeah, I got down to the weevils in this bag. Time to get a new bag.

Sent an email to Joyce yesterday after SugarCane's suggestion - I just got off the phone w/her - I'm going on the radio show today. Holy cow...I am so nervous!

You are in good hands. Joyce and Dr. Harley are great at making almost everybody sound comfortable on the phone. {And of course they are great at answering your questions!}

So excited for you. Can't wait to hear how it goes. Good luck

hurray:


Go, WPG, go!!!!

that was pretty cool - lol, I am "Renee" on today's show, btw! Not my real name and I don't play one on TV, but anyway...

Time and patience. Dr. H said that my H was protecting himself from me hurting him again, that his efforts at winning me back in the first part of recovery weren't rewarded in the sense that he received another blow by finding out the A went physical. He also seemed to think that the OM may have said things to H that upset H when they spoke in Jan.

**(I'm not sure about that - that last time I last spoke to POSOM in Jan, he told me H said "I'm a good Christian man, I am not going to hurt you, I've left her already, I just want the truth" while H told me he called and told him he was "parked on the side of the road a mile away from your house and I'm coming to tell your wife everything." I believe H, as POSOM has about as much credibility as bird sh*t. And since POSOM called me whining about wanting H to leave him alone, I think he would have been too chicken to say anything to H, he was scared of H. He should be. H had actually told me one of his fantasies was shooting him in the knees to take him down and then proceeding with the beating...slowly.)**

Keep meeting emotional needs. That this might be a "sort-of" Plan A but shouldn't be as stressful on me healthwise as a "real" Plan A, which would be conducted while an A was occurring. Said I was doing well with EP's. He asked me if I'd had problems lying in the past, which I have, either trying to protect myself from trouble or protect others. He said something like my H had probably decided that it was in his best interest to stay in the M but just didn't want to put himself out there again, or something like that.

I've got to go back and listen again and take notes. It was neat to be able to talk to them.

Ironically H and I have had a better day. Weather is bad here and he was late getting up. I got up and made coffee, got the kids out of our bed (think they were excited about the possibility of snow and woke up early), and made believe I was an alarm clock and came back upstairs to wake him up. We're tentatively talking.

Act as if. Why is it so hard for me to do that??? I need to figure out ways to deal with my anxiety and my impatience (the Taker, obviously). Work on ways to communicate my hurt without blaming or making H feel attacked.

It's just funny, one of my dares in the Respect Dare over the last couple of days was to ask God to show me - through people, things, circumstances, whatever - direction and guidance. Y'all have told me over and over the same thing. Time. Patience. Obviously I am not getting it so He sends me to Dr. H himself.

Seems like I do fine for a couple weeks and then I implode. And then I go into a hole for a couple of days and then I come back out. It's like a viscious cycle. I do go to the doc for a regular physical after Christmas so it might be a good idea to try and find something to level me out emotionally.

WPG is a southern gal!!

The lying after the affair was a huge issue.

He tells her to stay in Plan A for a couple of years; it won't hurt her.

If you call this time next year I believe he will be out of withdrawal.

Good call, WPG!!