"you may want to wait to the New Year to enact it."
Do not wait. If a dead line is allowed to pass the WW will she her BH as being weak and will not do as she says.

This OM most likely has spent his life using his position to get some extra action. He has not intentions to D his BW for your WW.

As soon as you plan B WW she will put pressure on OM for him to leave his BW. OM will stall as long as he can until he dumps WW or gets WW to realize that OM will never give him more than what he has been.

Approximately six inches, speaking in average terms.

Your WW is manipulating you. And it's working. You have given her 2 weeks to get her ducks in a row. Now you're going to give her more??? For WHAT??? How much job searching has she done so far? I suspect NONE. Because she has zero intention of leaving, and she's going to wear you down to make sure she doesn't have to.

If you don't stick to your guns, THG, the affair will resume. You think they're two little kindergartners who got caught talking in the bathroom and now the teachers are watching them?? Do you really think someone put up a brick wall between her and OM so they can't get at each other? There WILL be opportunities for them as long as they work together. Her employers have moved on with business as usual. They don't care.

Don't ruin your momentum by waffling.

'

I would give her about 1 day to start looking for a job and set a drop dead day of January 1st for her to be out of there. Your marriage cannot even BEGIN to recover until she is out of there. You don't understand how critical this is. SHE IS TRIGGERED EVERY DAY SHE SEES HIM. HE IS TRIGGERED EVERY DAY HE SEES HER. Every time she sees him puts her back to DAY ONE of withdrawal. Every day that she goes to work to see her lover puts YOU back to day ONE of recovery and makes recovery of your marriage IMPOSSIBLE.

You are facing an on again, off again affair until she is out of there. I DO NOT KNOW OF ANY MARRIAGE THAT RECOVERED WHERE THE AFFAIREES CONTINUED TO WORK TOGETHER. NONE. Never seen it. But I can point to countless affairs that resumed because of it. Every person who skipped this step has RUED THE DAY because they ended facing a 4, 5, or 10 year long term affair.

Working together is analogous to the alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks," but continuing to go the bar every day and have a "business drink." Do you imagine that this alcholic would EVER sober up?

As far as her having "resentment", that won't be a problem when you get DIVORCED because of her ongoing affair. She won't have "resentment" if she ever wakes up from the fog and THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE AS LONG AS SHE SEES THE OM EVERY DAY.

Unless you want to face an ONGOING AFFAIR for a few more years, you need to stop piddling around, Sir, and get her out of there. Tell her this is NOT NEGOTIATBLE. Her going there is profoundly disrespectful to you and absolultely prevents any hope of recovery.

In order for your marriage to ever recover, your wife has to end all contact with the source of her addiction. She has to WITHDRAW from the source of her addiction.

It is only once she has withdrawn that she can even BEGIN to fall in love with you and rebuild your marriage. So all the marriage building tactics you use will be a WASTE OF TIME.

Your wife is only trying to manipulate you into staying into contact with her lover. That is ALL that is happening here.

Extraordinary precautions ARE NOT NEGOTIABLE. Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on your wife's willingness and ability to make radical changes.

She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair.

You're looking at this entirely backwards. Your WW is the one who put herself (and you) in this position. Why doesn't she resent herself and her OM? THEY are the reason she has to find a new job - not you.

Do not allow her to blameshift anything onto you. You're already letting her do this.

Mulan is exactly right, she has to leave her job BECAUSE OF HER AFFAIR. The affair is her fault, not yours.

>>>>>>



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I think THG is confused(and I am as well). Are the vets suggesting that he go into Plan B soon?

Why I ask is because I was under the impression that a BH is to Plan A for up to 6 months. This is in the face of an ACTIVE affair and assuming that the affair continues.

I understand that THG would need to be telling his WW, as a part of his Plan A, that the affair is wrong and a boundary that he will enforce. I just don't understand the timeline and I believe that this poster may also be a little confused. Just asking for some clarification.

Thg,
I think you have to get a plan and then stick to it, look your wife has had an affair and she is still in contact with the OM every day, just going to work stirs up all the feelings she has for him and you are out of sight and out of mind, Thg you really aren't even in the mix here, you weren't before and you aren't now as long as she is still attached to him, which still is happening going to work with him, don't you get that......
you think it's about you, it's not, it's about her feelings for him and her feelings for him,she isn't interested in giving that up.........she is trying to hang on to that and him on some level...............she/they are trying to figure out how to work out the details of that, finding some other acceptable way of connecting and continuing the feelings they have.........
So far you have not put any real things in place to force her to feel any consquences of those thinking patterns...........she figures you will just put up with it and the new way of connecting with her OM.........
You need to give her a dead line and then stick to it.............if she doesn't quit and stop being in the same place as her OM then she needs to go and move on with that decision, let her figure out working there with him is going to result in her losing her marriage and her family.............she needs to decide what is more important to her.............you have to draw the line in the sand Thg.......it's the only way, it has to happen now, not in 4-6 months............she did wrong, she needs to fix this with positive decisions, if she can't or she doesn't see why she has to that should tell you enough............
This is tough, you are tough enough, stand together with your children and let your wife know it's unacceptable and her decisions to stay there and continue contact with the OM hurts your marriage and your family and you will not put up with that, when there are still 3 people in this relationship it can't be fixed.......

Scotty, I'm suggesting THG enforce his boundary about leaving the job for a few reasons:

The A has been exposed.

WW has agreed that she wants to remain in the M.

However, she is also negotiating with THG to lower his boundaries.

If she is agreeable to ending the A, she's got to walk the walk. That means she leaves her job.

My concern is that she is negotiating to remain in contact with OM. The A will resume.

I am suggesting that THG keep the recovery bar high.

The longer she works there the more likely the affair will resume at some point. They may have all kinds of rules in place at the moment -- but those will become lax over time.
They will pass in the hallway and look at each other. That will be enough for one of them to attempt contact. Just to "talk", to find out how each other are doing. But this time they will be MUCH sneakier about it. And of course talking will rekindle all of those flames and they will be that much more convicted that this is MEANT TO BE.

THG -- she has to leave that environment and never see him again.
THG -- OM still attempts to contact me every year or two -- almost 10 years after the affair ended.
You have to SLAM that door shut.

There is no proof that the affair has stopped or even if they went underground, or waiting for things to cooldown before resuming the PA fun and games.

The affair has been exposed. WW won't go NC.

So this affair is still on in my book.

Being plan A limit is six months maximum not the minimum I would stick with the original two week dead line.

Extending the period to January 1 is only showing the WW that her actions will not cause any consequences.

My WW and I continued to discuss the 'ground rules' that I require to move our marriage forward. No contact with the OM, transparancy and a plan to rebuild the marriage.

She agreed to search for a new job, but would not immediately leave her job, stating that she could not give up the financial security while our relationship was in flux.

Since the affair has been exposed I do not feel there is an immediate threat of the A continuing. I have continued to communicate that the no contact requirement is non-negotiable. I understand we will not move our relatioship forward while she is still having regular contact with the OM, but I do believe there is benefit to plan A versus a separation at this time.

A previous poster stated that separation is required to create castle walls to protect myself. While I would have prefered that my WW agree to leave her job I decided we should continue plan A while she work to find a new job.

Besides this forum is there someone that I can discuss this with on the telephone?

I will continue to work on myself, but will not hound her to find a new job. That is up to her. If we move forward and she is not seriously searching for a new job, I will request a separation and move to plan B.

Worth repeating. Good luck, THG.

My then WW said the same thing to me when we started to negotiate recovery and I stated that without NC it cannot happen (they worked together). FR followed. Be warned.

Thg12,

If you can do it then by all means Plan A your wife, but can you put a deadline date on the job thing, my husband's OW also worked at the same place in fact he was her boss. She eventually quit but I will tell you that until that happend it was hard on me, reliving the whole thing every day, living in fear of the affair starting up again..........It is much easier now......................but this didn't happen right away with me either, I told my husband if he chose to keep her there he would have to move out and on with his choice.......she was moved to a different department and no contact was maintained....................The OW was devastated herself with the affair ending, she is the one that started looking for work, but it took about 4 months for her to find one.............it was tough for all of us........
I gave my husband a time line that I would put up with that situation and after that he would have to leave, he knew I meant it...................
The last thing you want is a false recovery, she will never get him out of her system is she sees him all the time...........
In the meantime be the man that she would do it all for...............great dad, great husband.......look good, smell good..............make her feel like she is your life, but not in a needy way..................strong but firm...........

�My WW and I continued to discuss the 'ground rules' that I require�

There is nothing to discuss, debate, talk about, negotiate. Leave job, NC, transparency or leave the house.

�She agreed to search for a new job, but would not immediately leave her job, stating that she could not give up the financial security while our relationship was in flux.�

Time to go get a lawyer file a sex harassment suit. Good shot the Co. will offer a severance package to make this go away.

�Since the affair has been exposed I do not feel there is an immediate threat of the A continuing.�

There you go again feeling instead of thinking. WW still wants to use OM�s gym, personal shower facilities. Yea, WW is going to stay away from the OM.

WW: I won�t even look at the OM.
BH feels relieved. What the BH doesn�t realize the Difference between what WW said and meant.

WW meant she won�t look at OM because she will keep her eye�s closed while they are knocking boots.

�I have continued to communicate that the no contact requirement is non-negotiable. I understand we will not move our relatioship forward while she is still having regular contact with the OM, but I do believe there is benefit to plan A versus a separation at this time.�

WW knows that your demands and deadlines don�t mean a thing because you keep backing down.

�Besides this forum is there someone that I can discuss this with on the telephone?�
Call the Harley�s.

�I will continue to work on myself, but will not hound her to find a new job.�

This means you have no balls, and will let the WW placate you until she has lulled you into a false sense of recovery then will continue to bang the OM.

I've got no quarrel with the rest of your post, road, but remember: THG can't file a sexual harassment lawsuit. WW has to. I don't think she intends to do that. Not for a minute.

THG, the phone counseling service at Marriage Builders is awesome. Many folks here have tried that route and fully recovered their marriages. You can click on the counseling link at the top of the page and they will tell you how to make an appointment. They will assess your situation and give you a plan. They don't counsel you together so you don't need your wife there intially. After you explain the situation to a counselor [Dr Chalmers or her brother, therapist Steve Harley] they will split the hour between you and your wife. It is pricey,[$200} but it is worth every penny, because they completely focus on a PLAN to recover your marriage and don't waste time talking about feelings.

That might be the best way to get your wife on board and get her out of there. Keep in mind, that even though she might not be in an active affair she will remain in the fog every day she sees him, which precludes her from ever recovering the marriage.

MelodyLane --> Thank you for the telephone coaching information. While this forum has been extremely helpful, I think it is time to discuss this in more detail with someone.

I understand the fog continues until NC is in place. Don't worry I get that.