Please I am trying to ask for help and guidance. I know of the problems that will occur if you make the wrong choices.

How do you deal with not getting any SF when you use to get it every day or more?

How do deal with the thoughts and temptations of a revenge affair? I am really trying to keep my boundaries firm but I�m just being honest that I am struggling and could really use some guidance.

The thoughts are so strong of all the crap we�ve been through and when you find out about NC being broke right before he gets shipped off it is very difficult to stay strong.

I am trying things:
Reading, hitting the gym working extra hours hanging out with my daughter and going to movies and such but she is a teenager and wants to hang out with her friends too. Hanging with other friends but they have families and are busy. No family around we are in a state with no family.

This is where you come to ask for advice and guidance right?

The gym is a dangerous place if you feel yourself in danger of an RA. At the gym you can get several needs met: admiration, recreational companionship, conversation, and attractive spouse.

If you're not already in one, I'd suggest an all-women gym if you can find one.

Yes I've taken that precaution and only go with my daughter. That was mine and WH time together.

Is there something that I need to do or say differently to get advice on here?

So how am I not to Lovebust or DJ when he just posted a picture on our facebook of him sitting by another woman?

Yup call me insecure or whatever but I don't see the light at the end he's 10k miles away.

Yup feeling hopeless and can't get any feedback on this site. Im on my own.

How do you deal without SF?

Well without going into detail, don't you have any other ways to ermm get relief....

How do you deal with thoughts and temptation of RA?

This one is simple, but not that straighforward. Have you every heard the Oscar Wilde quote? To love onself is the beginning of a life long romance.

Seriously BrainHurst, there is a lot to be said in being happy just on your own,the inner peace you get from knowing that you don't actully NEED anyone is good.

This situation is messy enough, don't bring any further into the equation. Also have you done some work on your boundaries yet? If so what are they? One of my boundaries is respect, I will respect myself that I can be happy on my own or with my H so I dont need anyone else. I respect others and therefore will not use someone else, who could get hurt, to have a revenge affair.

What are your thoughts?

So how am I not to Lovebust or DJ when he just posted a picture on our facebook of him sitting by another woman?

Yup call me insecure or whatever but I don't see the light at the end he's 10k miles away.

Yup feeling hopeless and can't get any feedback on this site. Im on my own.

Hi BH. Just learning gave you some really good advice here.

Can you bring us all up to speed about what you've been doing that she suggested?

BH, it might be a good idea if you acknowledge and respond to what various people say here so they know you are reading and understanding.

And then you can move on with other questions. You know what I mean?

Keep on track with one issue, and then move on to the next. It won't help you or us if we're all over the board.

Yes I'm "taking" care of myself, but sorry it doesn't take care of everything. The affection from WH is what is very difficult to miss.

YES I am working on my boundaries. I do not talk with other men by myself I do not even look their way. I do not go anywhere that would put me in jeopardy. My WH has all my passwords and phone information we only have a facebook together.

I am very happy on my own and was actually thinking about going to divorce and being on my own but then thought why repeat history and at least not give it my all. So I am giving it one big shot.

I think it would be easier if we weren't 10K miles apart.

I'm just having a very tough time and the thoughts are overwhelming. You can only sweat out all the thoughts at times.

I have been living and eating what JL told me. HE is one of the huge reasons I'm still in this.

I have been reading and reading the articles. I have been rereading HN/HN and Lovebusters.

I am working on my boundaries. I am not putting myself out there. I am trying to keep myself busy and trying to be happy with myself. I love being by myself. My daughter was gone the whole week of Thanksgiving and I did really well.

I'm looking to buy the book.

Just a huge bump when he is 10k miles away and I see the picture. Why keep trying that's what I want to ask him?

BH,

The picture could mean something or it could mean nothing. Perhaps you should speak with your H about this or check cell phone bills and such.

Here is the point about boundaries. As you develop them you will find it simple to make many decisions. I will tell you that simple does not mean it is easy to make such decisions.

Why simple? Well in my opinion, your boundaries reflect your morals, your sense of what is right and wrong, what is good and what is destructive, what should be encouraged and what should be discouraged. You hold yourself to these standards and you will find it is clearer to you when others don't.

Once it is clear that someone is violating your boundaries, the decision is "simple" to address it. The not so simple part is how to address it. Again your boundaries will help you do this. You address it consistent with your boundaries.

If your H's behavior violates your boundaries and continues to do so, what plans do you have?

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL so much for your guidance. I need it so desperately.

Well I have been thinking what you wrote and I went back to SAA and looked up the four rules to marriage.

Before he left we were doing pretty well on the rule of care and the rule of time. The rule of protection we were getting better at but still learning. I think he was unhappy because he was still out of a job and he felt like he "was letting the family down". I reassured him that he was doing everything he could thus why he had to take the deployment.

The rule of honesty is where we need alot of work on both our sides. I am trying to be very honest with him but because of our situation being miles apart he is telling me this is not the best time to do that. Because the little bit of time we talk needs to be happy and positive. He says it really hurts him when I say negative things about our marriage and what we need to work on. He says that we will work on the marriage when he gets back.

So that is why I am having such a difficult time trying to do what I need to do when he is miles apart.

I keep asking myself "Lord, why are you giving this to me what am I supposed to be learning from this?" We just got a call from an employer that we have been trying for over 3 years to get him with and this would leviate the stress on us. They finally want to offer him a job and he is 10k miles away. Why now?

So I keep going on. That brings me to the picture. I did ask him about it and he said that he didn't even know who she was and that they were all on the plane and he had someone take the picture. I know my husband he is very friendly and very talkative and (I know a huge DJ coming and I'm still trying to work on these) you can't tell me he didn't know who she was or didn't even talk to her. RED FLAG Then he proceeds to tell me she is just some young immature janitor and was just goofing off with her friends. Excuse me but you expect me to believe you don't know who she is but you know what she does and how old she is? Come on I'm not stupid.

I can't check cell phones, which is how I caught him all the other times, because no cell phones where he is at. Also has a work email which I have no access to.

So onto about my boundaries. I feel like I am really starting to get it and understand what I need to do and am starting to realize that he probably will never have those boundaries or use extradorinary precautions.

This, young tadpole, is a DJ. Especially when applying the absolute to it.

New mantra; nobody always or never anything.

What?

Nobody always or never anything.

Break the black and white. With us, against us. Is, or isn't.

Just not so.

Nobody always or never anything.

He may institute boundaries, he may institute EP's... he may not - you cannot possibly know that. You don't know what he's going to do 3 minutes from now, what he's going to think 30 seconds from now, how he will feel in 3 seconds. How could you possibly know what he will always or never do?

Nobody always or never anything.

HHH you're absolutely correct and that is why I'm studing lovebusters AGAIN. I have the most difficult with AO and DJ and Just Learning has been guiding me what I need to work on.

How do you get over the old thoughts and hurts and lies of what they did to you in the past as you are trying to move forward? How do I not DJ when he is miles away and all I have to hold on to are the lies?

You've got a bumpy road while he's deployed. Whether things seem to go well during this time or not, the real test of whether or not you'll be able to R comes when he gets home and settles in.

Till you see his behavior then, just do the best you can in the meantime to model the changes you want and need in your M.

He is miles away... then you have all the time in the world to work on you, and only you.

Of course, if you want to include him... why not write him a letter every day? Even if you don't mail them, even if you hold them until he returns... get your thoughts down on paper with the intention of sharing them with him.

Engage with your family; shop with siblings, parents, in-laws... have dinner, visits, phone calls.

Pick up a hobby; learn to sew, learn to knit, learn to crochet.

Start doing crosswords.

Look online at local colleges; many of them have free online courses for which you will get no grade and no credits but are offered at no cost to you.

Improve YOU.

You can only control yourself and your own actions. And you can only learn to trust him through time, care, and protection on his part. I wouldn't say it's impossible while he's deployed, but it's pretty damn hard.

Maybe he should do some of the same?

Avoid opposite sex interaction to non-blood relatives.

Be the best W you can be, and really earn that "F" to tack on to that WW.

Thank you.

So I am trying to plan A from the distance and I'm trying to talk positive and upbeat while we have our conversations. I read some advice on the military forum to keep everything positive and upbeat and don't talk about humdrum daily things and don't talk relationship talk.

So I guess that leaves me with keep working on me and being patient with his return.

I just have a very difficult time with the thoughts that keep coming. These happen everywhere work, home when I'm out with friends.

I was semi-ok with the picture until one of my friends said "oh that would bother me so much if my husband was like that".

There goes the rest of the day.

He is miles away... then you have all the time in the world to work on you, and only you.

Of course, if you want to include him... why not write him a letter every day? Even if you don't mail them, even if you hold them until he returns... get your thoughts down on paper with the intention of sharing them with him.

Engage with your family; shop with siblings, parents, in-laws... have dinner, visits, phone calls.

Pick up a hobby; learn to sew, learn to knit, learn to crochet.

Start doing crosswords.

Look online at local colleges; many of them have free online courses for which you will get no grade and no credits but are offered at no cost to you.

Improve YOU.

You can only control yourself and your own actions. And you can only learn to trust him through time, care, and protection on his part. I wouldn't say it's impossible while he's deployed, but it's pretty damn hard.

Maybe he should do some of the same?

Avoid opposite sex interaction to non-blood relatives.

Be the best W you can be, and really earn that "F" to tack on to that WW. [/quote]

Well I guess I'm on the right track.
I do write him everyday, multiple times. I have been journaling and writing down things that I hope for us to work on when he gets back. I have wrote him a couple of letters apologizing for my half of the marriage and the EA I have had and I didn't sugar coat it, I called it like it is INFIDELITY/AFFAIRS/ADULTRY. He has been trying to tell me for years that my EA was just as damaging as his affairs. I finally got it when I found MB.
I have sent him care packages and I try to get them off every week because it takes almost two weeks to get there. I guess I made a big hit with him around his boss and the other guys because they asked him for some of the treats I put in there.

I have been looking to take some online courses.

I have been doing my best to avoid male ineractions, but it is difficult because I'm in a male dominate industry.

I'm getting back into some of my old hobbies that I loved to do. Trying to stay busy because the thought of him not around to enjoy SF is excurciating. Trust me when I tell you that SF is one of my top EN if not the top and we had a daily SF routine and I am struggling with that ALOT. I hate to tell you what goes through my mind when I see an attractive male. Yes I know BOUNDARIES I am just being honest here.

Yet, those thoughts are just itching to fill a primal, physical need - and following that urge will only bring on destruction.

This is a good acknowledgment, though.

Brainstorm some solutions; phone sex, web video chat with him, set up a little.... hmmmmm... "self-service" shrine to him (maybe in your bedroom); put up pictures, mementos, maybe an outfit of his, and spray it with whatever cologne he wears that you love. Maybe even ask him (sounds weird, I know) to mail you back one of his dirty T-shirts so you can have his smell. Fill yourself with sensations of him, and... *cough, cough* take care of yourself.

Make HIM your fantasy. KWIM?