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Mr. A, thank you for not just jumping down my back, I appreciate what you do have to say. I understand your idea of needing to break the cycle, I just am not sure what the root of the problem actually is. Have you considered the possibility that you may be clinically depressed? And I don't mean that as an insult. I struggle with depression myself, so I know how serious a problem it can be. But it's something that you might want to look into. Its not like I am always miserable. I can be a happy person at times without a doubt. But I think all people have a tendancy to bounce back and forth between moods and dispositions.
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Mr. A, thank you for not just jumping down my back, I appreciate what you do have to say. I understand your idea of needing to break the cycle, I just am not sure what the root of the problem actually is. Have you considered the possibility that you may be clinically depressed? And I don't mean that as an insult. I struggle with depression myself, so I know how serious a problem it can be. But it's something that you might want to look into. Its not like I am always miserable. I can be a happy person at times without a doubt. But I think all people have a tendancy to bounce back and forth between moods and dispositions. Actually, you don't have to be depressed 24/7 in order to be diagnosed with depression. I'm not depressed every minute of every day either. Your doctor would be the most qualified person to determine whether or not you suffer from depression.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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The root of the problem is that you are dishonest, you admit to that, but I will speculate that you are also shallow and a bit narcissistic. I say this because you are concerned more with the appearance of things than on actuality. Shallow? So I have some shallow tendancies. Yes I do think about peoples appearance, but isnt Physical Attraction one of the EN's. I do care about other things. When a strong PA is not there, other things need to make up for it. Narcissistic- I do think highly of myself, but I think it is more a confidence than vanity.
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Ok, what made you come up with the idea of clinically depressed?
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I was referring more to your need that your W keep up an appearance of doing housework than actually doing it. You're okay so long as there is an appearance of substance...no actual substance required. You'd rather be deceived, it is your MO, and ties right into narcissistic behavior--an assertion of accomplishment without actual behavior to back it up.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Ok, what made you come up with the idea of clinically depressed? Much of what you say seems to indicate that you aren't very happy with yourself or with your life in general. You sound very down and without much hope in many of your posts. I'm not a doctor, but I do recognize many of the "defeatist" kinds of attitudes present in many of your posts, the lack of desire to try new things since "they won't work anyway." These are many of the same attitudes and feelings that I grapple with myself on a regular basis.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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The only reasons for valid reasons for divorce, IMHO, are an affair(being the victim of one, not having one) and abuse of any kind.....Just wanting something better in life!!!!! OMG, that is ridiculous!!!!!
By better do you mean better looking? Better financial standing? Better sex? Those are cop outs for not wanting to bother! If people are getting married until something better comes along, then they shouldnt bother and just date forever....What is the point of ever getting married in the first place if you are not gonna stick by your spouse through thick and thin...isnt that what marriage is all about?
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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I was referring more to your need that your W keep up an appearance of doing housework than actually doing it. You're okay so long as there is an appearance of substance...no actual substance required. You'd rather be deceived, it is your MO, and ties right into narcissistic behavior--an assertion of accomplishment without actual behavior to back it up. And it's the fact that you think this is not only 'normal' but that EVERYONE prefers to live this way...THIS is your root, this is your problem. You believe that being deceptive about feelings and activities is how people want to live.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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I was referring more to your need that your W keep up an appearance of doing housework than actually doing it. You're okay so long as there is an appearance of substance...no actual substance required. You'd rather be deceived, it is your MO, and ties right into narcissistic behavior--an assertion of accomplishment without actual behavior to back it up. As much as I would like her to pretend to have done something when she doesn't, I would prefer her to actually do it occasionally. I just don't want to know about the times shen she does nothing, unless they are few.
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The only reasons for valid reasons for divorce, IMHO, are an affair(being the victim of one, not having one) and abuse of any kind.....Just wanting something better in life!!!!! OMG, that is ridiculous!!!!!
By better do you mean better looking? Better financial standing? Better sex? Those are cop outs for not wanting to bother! If people are getting married until something better comes along, then they shouldnt bother and just date forever....What is the point of ever getting married in the first place if you are not gonna stick by your spouse through thick and thin...isnt that what marriage is all about? I don't understand why that is ridiculous. There are different phases in peoples lives. What is the point to getting married you ask; I think people have different reasons for doing so. To each their own, doesn't make one more right than another.
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I have a question.
Have you talked with your wife about the possibility of getting a divorce? How does she feel about it?
Because a lot of your posts presuppose that your wife is going to be amiable about getting a divorce and that this will be some mutually-agreed upon thing.
Does she know she's agreeing to end your marriage at some point in the future?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I have not, and do not have any intention of talking to her about D anytime in the near future. That is not something you discuss unless it actually comes to that. I don't see it coming to that anywhere in the near future.
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I have not, and do not have any intention of talking to her about D anytime in the near future. That is not something you discuss unless it actually comes to that. I don't see it coming to that anywhere in the near future. If that's the case, then why don't you start taking some steps towards making your marriage happier for both you and your wife?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I am more than willing to try. Small steps.
Can you give me a realistic step 1?
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That is not something you discuss unless it actually comes to that. I don't see it coming to that anywhere in the near future Tom, does it make sense to you that you not discussing eventual divorce with your wife (when your other posts state it is something you think might happen in the far future) is what most of us see as very unfair to her. She is spending her prime childbearing years with you, you have said she wants to have a child, and she has no idea (?) that you did not mean "for better or for worse" when you said your wedding vows. I just feel so sorry for your wife to be in this situation and have no idea!
50+ yo couple enjoying our empty nest.
Young adult kids out on their own.
"Enthusiastic agreement?" is our catch phrase.
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I am more than willing to try. Small steps.
Can you give me a realistic step 1? How would you feel about getting copies of His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters for you and your wife, and the accompanying workbook, and working through them?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Small steps Markos...as of now, it cant be something that could lead her back to this site.
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That is not something you discuss unless it actually comes to that. I don't see it coming to that anywhere in the near future Tom, does it make sense to you that you not discussing eventual divorce with your wife (when your other posts state it is something you think might happen in the far future) is what most of us see as very unfair to her. She is spending her prime childbearing years with you, you have said she wants to have a child, and she has no idea (?) that you did not mean "for better or for worse" when you said your wedding vows. I just feel so sorry for your wife to be in this situation and have no idea! We still do try to get pregnant, just have not been successful. We don't try very often any more either.
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Small steps Markos...as of now, it cant be something that could lead her back to this site. Many, many people follow the MB program without posting on this site. You could buy the books (I would suggest "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and "His Needs, Her Needs") and start reading those together. You especially need to fill out the EN questionnaire together and go over that.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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We still do try to get pregnant, just have not been successful. We don't try very often any more either. And please STOP doing this until your marriage is on more stable ground. Having a child can be hard on even a healthy marriage. I guarantee you that it will not solve any of the problems you are currently having, but it may well make many of them worse. Fix the marriage. Fall back in love with your wife. Get to a point where you view your marriage as a lifelong commitment. THEN consider having children.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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