Thank you!


O&H and FS or FC, depending on how you ask him. I think when we have more reserves in the bank that FS will go down on the list, it's just a major worry for both of us because we've both been unemployed in the last 3 years and are recovering financially.


Thanks! I will.

I call him every morning to wake him up, he gets up way before I do, so I set my alarm and call him to wake him up, he calls me on his lunch hour, and then we talk before he goes to bed when he's out of town. He didn't call me at lunch, so I called him, he'd remembered I had my holiday luncheon today and didn't want to call me since I was partying with my coworkers for lunch. And, he's coming home tomorrow, so we have 4 days together before he has to go back work.

Well... today I'm struggling with what to do in a situation with a coworker. He's one of my 4 cube mates and lately he's gotten too friendly. He's engaged and I'm not comfortable with the level of friendship we've developed. It's heading down a path I'm not comfortable with.

Hubby should be picking me up from work tonight - he requested that I wear a skirt, so I found a heavy wool skirt and boots to wear to work. Can't wait for him to get home!

Struggling?

There is no struggle. Continue it, and find out what it's like to be a betrayer, or get the freak away and save your marriage.

What's the struggle?

KNOCK IT OFF!

My issue is that I sit beside him and I'm in this cube to assist my newer coworkers with their job - which I'm fine with. I hadn't realized how slippery the slope was until he offered me a ride home yesterday. So, I'm struggling with how to turn this back into the professional relationship without the friendship - or request I be moved to a different seat. I have invited him and his fiance out to dinner with my husband and I, do you think that's a good idea?

It's a slippery slope, that's for sure and I don't want to this to turn into something it shouldn't. I'm struggling with how to turn this back into the professional relationship without the friendship and not piss anyone off too badly.

And, HHH, I wanted to add that I *never* would have even put this person on my radar as an issue until I joined here. Now, I realize how slippery the slope is between friends and EA.

Until I joined here I had no problem with opposite sex friends and had many guy friends over the years, and now realize how disrespectful it is to my husband and opens a can of worms I don't want to get into.

I'm struggling with how to change the relationship back into what it should be nad go no furhter down this path.

Ask for a new seat. Then, if the guy persists in conversing with you, walk away.

I have a meeting with my manager this afternoon.

We're all moving in the next few months and I'll no longer be in his cube then, but I want to be moved now.

The absolute simplest thing you can do, for now, is to just not participate in any non-professional conversation with him, period.

No, no dinner. Close that door. Keep him out of your private life completely. It's too dangerous to risk opening any door into your personal life, especially if you have noticed something.

If you are being moved, great. Until then, wall up.

Change of seat coming up in about 10 days.

In an effort to being O&H with hubby I told him last night I had asked for a change of seat because I wasn't comfortable sitting beside this person because our relationship was going from professional to friendly and out of respect to hubby I'd asked for a change of seat. He said he appreciated my honesty and asked if I *wanted* this person. I told him honestly, no, but that I felt it was wrong to have OS friends outside of our relationship, and he asked me what changed - turned into a good discussion and a spinoff of his coworkers (one of his closer coworkers is an older female, I am okay with it because she's in her 70's) and our boundaries.

I am seriously considering giving up FB, or at least going through and deleting most of my friends. I just feel like it's a door that shouldn't be there

This morning hubby brought me to work, he warmed up the car, warmed up my coffee, and turned the heat up before I got up so the house was warm. He's Xmas shopping for me today, too. I've got to work late, but promised him dinner when I get home, even if it's 10pm. We've got plans tomorrow night after work for a date to the astronomy club and viewing with that. I've also decided to do the Love Dare and all of Dr Harley's books should be at the Library tomorrow so I can read them until my copies come.

I can see a change in hubby, and he is putting effort into this.

Are you?

You are the one here, reading, posting, learning. Are you making changes, are you putting effort in? Sincerely?

I can tell you this, fighting and earning a good marriage is better than walking away.

It's so easy to run, that once you start, it's hard to ever stop.

You could ask my sister, she's on her 4th marriage and she's only 42.

Why? Because she doesn't solve problems, she runs from them.

Have you bought HNHN, and Love Busters?

Yes, I am


Yes, I am. I have quit making DJ and SD and IB and my honesty. I am grateful that my husband didn't walk away on several occassions when no one could have blamed him for it. I am strengthening my boundaries and see that several 'friendships' over the years probably were bordering on EAs.


I waited until I was 24 to date and settle down; I fell in love with this man and I promised him to spend my life with him and I intend to keep that promise. And, I want it ot be a happy and fulfilling life that we both enjoy and that we enjoy each other. We have hit a patch of really difficult decisions and hard times, and maybe it's just the time we've been together. We are both committed to working on this, and he's reading and participating at home. Hubby is a total recluse and does't like being involved with people, so he's not likely to come here. I'm a people person who loves everyone and likes lots of activity in my life.

O

nce from Ebay, Once from Amazon, and now have them on interlibrary loan at the library. The library will have them here today (or tomorrow, I think the library is closed due to weather), the Ebay ones should have been here last week, and the Amazon ones are scheduled for the 1st week of January.

BWS - you hit my problem right on the nail. I also have been reading through all of the discussions today - trying to find some answers. I know my answers are in my own backyard, but where to start.

My problem is almost identical to Hopeful's without the travelling husband. He committed to both programs, however after 2 months, I have completed the first 2 chapters hn/hn he has read the first chapeter, not listened to the disk, and just cant find the time to set aside to go over the first assignment - which just happens to be setting aside 15 hours a week! We are totally stuck on the POJA, he wont do it, thinks I will control him or punish him by not agreeing to anything? So I am going to try your advice and go it alone. I know his top 2 EN, we did manage that worksheet, I can guess at my love busters, so I think if I can be strong enough emotionally I can do as you suggested. Is there anything you would add, prior to me trying this. Just as a side note, he may see it as fake, he may accuse me of doing it for the sake of proving him wrong. Those of course would be his own LBW, but I will try to only charge him a minimum fee, knowing he doesnt get it! Any help is appreciated, trying to stay upbeat here before I totally lose it.

Trying, let me read through your posts and get back with you. It doesn't look like you've share a ton about your marriage beyond the POJA. It may be helpful to start a new thread describing your situation in more detail.

How did you meet, were you in love and why?

When and why did things changed?

What are your H's ENs and how well do you meet them?

What are your ENs and how would you better like them met?

What are the significant LBs and other barriers in your marriage?

What has been your experience with MB so far? (what have you read, what have you tried?)

This doesn't have to be a super long report. One or two lines per question may be enough.

I would start a new thread.

BWS

Well, I got the book "Love Busters" today from the Library, plan to read it this weekend.

Hubby and I are going on a date to the Astronomy Club tonight about 45 minutes away. He's picking me up from work shortly.

I am pushing for a new seat next week because all of my cube mates except the one I'm concerned about are leaving the company and/or not in our cube any longer (there were 6, now it's down to 2 after next week). I also found out he's my Secret Santa this year, which for some reason bothers me. I now regret doing SS.

We've got 2 hours of driving tomorrow and then errands to run paying bills and doing some banking business, so we should have our 15 hours of UA for the week.

He went Xmas shopping for me and I haven't bought his gifts yet. Not sure what to get him because I don't get paid until the 23rd. And, he wants something really big for his birthday in January and we're going on a huge trip in May.

We're doing very good avoiding LB. I'm being more honest with everyone involved, including my parents (according to hubby THAT'LL cause some nuclear fall out... my parents are difficult people at best and very controlling). I'm distancing myself from mom and dad, too. And, I've been watching my DJ and Smart mouth. He's controlling is AO very well.

We've managed to POJA a few minor things and we're learning to negotiate things and talk about things without fighting. We promised each other that we'd follow the PORH as well. We set up a combined budget, but we're not combining our checking accounts (in all fairness, combining checking accounts with us not being together everyday to reconcile the account would be a nightmare for the check book balancing one of us, so we're keeping our own accounts for daily purchases).

I'm also reading Love and Respect, not a MB book, but it's been very insightful and is giving me something else to think about. He's read part of it with me, and we're going to read LB together this weekend and next.

I'm working some this weekend, but I'm bringing the car back from the house even though it doesn't have heat, it's better than nothing.

I am 100% committed to making this work. I can't see a life without him, despite the fact I'd like to kick him out sometimes!

Weekend update -

I read all of Love Busters this weekend (Friday night actually, I couldn't sleep and read it through in about an hour and a half). We read the first chapter together, in bed, Saturday night and talked about it. We've read parts/most of Love & Respect this week as well, and we've read through some more of the site together.

We spent the weekend doing nothing of value - ran some errands, picked up everyone else's Xmas gifts, went out to lunch, got very drunk and played Monopoly Saturday night (No idea who won, neither do I care, but we had a really good time).

Friday and Saturday nights we were talking about our problems and he brought up some old stuff that's still bothering him. That I had shirked my responsibility on some bills when we first moved in together; that the neighbor's had invited me to a BDSM meet and greet, and hadn't invited him (I ended up not going, but the principle was still the issue); I still had an account at a kinky version of Facebook (he knew about the account, and I only logged in when he was around, and I had no idea it bothered him); He didn't like me having single men on my Facebook, he feels it's disrespectful.

So, I removed my Fetlife account on Friday when he brought it up. I had joined because he wanted me to be more exciting in bed, and I was looking for ideas. I started removing most of my FB friends - I'm keeping my family on it, good personal girl friends, and current people I work with, and giving everyone different security settings. We do use it at work for communicating stuff.

It boils down to some of my behaviors have really damaged his trust for me, and rightfully so. I thought that this was in our past, but it's still bothering him. I asked him what I could do to repair it and he said time. I told him he has full access to my life - phone records (it's a joint account), checking account records, emails, whatever he wants. He said he doesn't want to spy on me, and I tried to tell him it's not spying, it's holding me accountable for the honesty he deserves. That he shouldn't trust me unconditionally - he has a right as my husband to see what I'm doing. That level of transparency encourages full O&H. I set up all of my accounts to auto login on his PC so he can check them, and he did check to see if I really got rid of my Fetlife account (which I had, it took 48 hours to be fully gone).

We discussed the POJA and both our habit of IB. We made a commitment to POJA anything and everything for 30 days - even if we're not together. I'm going on vacation without him over New Years (My grandmother's 89th birthday party, he can't get off work, so I'm going with my mom), and we're going to POJA how much spending money I have when I go. That's going to be tough.

I also brought up that when we try to discuss things and we don't agree he gets mad and gets loud, I cry, he gets louder, and I get more upset. I am afraid he's going to get mad and just walk out one day, don't ask me why I'm so afraid he'll do that, because he's never walked out on me before. He said he had no idea how frightened it made me and he's really working hard on his AO. His dad would yell and belittle his wife and kids and it bothered my husband and he swore he'd never do it, but he's doing it. He is working really hard to not have AO, and I commend him on his progress.

I have worked hard to not have any DJ and to be completely O&H with everyone in my life. So far, so good, and hubby is very proud of me for my effort.

It was really great today at church in Sunday school we were talking about marriage and being good to your spouses and John put his arm around me and told the class he was working to be the best husband he could be and trying to take the best care of me he could.

I told him that he has the right to veto anything in my life and he has a say in any decision I make - and I have that same right with him. He agreed that is how we should be living. He says I get mad when he tries to stop me from doing things, and I told him that it's how he brings things up that I get mad about. We need to learn *not* to get emotional when we try and discuss things. We should never scream and yell at each other, there's no place in our marriage for that. It's disrespectful and ugly. He and I are committed to making the POJA work for us.

And, on a wonderful note we had a huge increase in SF this weekend with him initiating 3 times - a total of 4 times. Things were easy between us, we were much more relaxed and back to being the couple we've been for much of our relationship.

*the only account he doesn't have 100% free rein access to his my work email account, and while he can certainly log in and see anything there that's not protected by corporate policy, I can't auto login to it from his PC. I don't see this as an issue, do you guys?

Congrats. I think you are doing awesome. So good to hear good news.

It's been a week since I've updated -

1 - we now have a joint checking account as an emergency account. It's our first joint account! We're maintaing my account for my house (I have a small apartment near work) and his account for his house (we own a house we're renevating in our old hometown). We each pay for our gas and food out of our accounts and pay 'our' house's bills from our account. The joint account is for emergency purchases. We've combined our finances more and have worked out a budget with what 'we' make to pay all of 'our' bills and get 'our' debt paid off.

He's trying to trust me to pay my portion of our bills and I know it's hard for him, but he's really trying. Right now I've got overtime at work and he's not working, so I'm carrying more of the bills. He goes back to work next week.

2 - We're getting better at using the POJA. We managed to agree on how much fun money I have this coming week while I'm out of town without any yelling, crying, or anger on either part! And, we've used it for most other decisions, even little things.

We've spent lots of UA time this week because he's off. He's been home since last Wednesday and we've had lots of really good time. We've played in the snow, went for some long walks together, I've curled up and watched him play his new video games I got him for Xmas. Last night we cooked dinner together and played Scrabble. We had steak, asparagus, spinach, yeast rolls, bernaise sauce, and scalloped potatoes, all homemade from scratch, except the yeast rolls.

I'm going out to visit family without him next week, I leave on the 31st and come back on the 6th. He doesn't mind and didn't want to go, but I hate leaving him. My mom is already out there; we've got plans to go to Disney and do some fun stuff while I'm there. I'm still working while I'm on vacation, but not as much.

He hasn't had any AO and I've controlled my DJ and SD better. The other thing I'm really working on is my AH that I know bother him.

So far, I think we're doing much better!

Oof. And I'm reading this right before lunch - now I'm starving.

Seriously, good to hear good things happening for you, Hopeful.

Glad I could help out. I found some filets on sale at the market and got $28 in steaks for $7! The plan was the get him a ribeye and me a hamburger steak (I only eat filet, I'm terrible picky about steak), and those filets were cooked to perfection by hubby and so good. Mine was tender enough to cut it with a fork and his was almost as tender. I butterflyed his and he made his medium well, mine was very rare.

And the asparagus was on sale and very fresh and organic. Lightly cooked it with olive oil, roasted garlic, and white wine. The spinach was organic and fresh, steamed it lightly with olive oil, marsala wine, and some feta cheese. The scalloped potatoes were pretty well untouched, but they were made with heavy cream, sharp cheddar, swiss cheese, and feta cheese.

I made the bernaise from scratch and it wasn't impressive, but the rest of dinner was incredible. And, the bottle of $15.00 wine I found for $4 to make dinner with was really good, too. I had a glass with dinner.

Does that help your hunger pains?