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I feel like a weight has been lifted. I gather all the kids things like clothes, toys, and even the pics of them and gave them to her dad. I am now waiting for mess to hit the fan. I know my WH. He is going to try and make me feel bad for telling her dad. The ex-boyfriend told us that my WH has been picking on him at work even thought he longer works for him. He tells his new boss to write him up on every little thing. He is being very silly now. He told me he went his boss and told on him. He is going to have to look for another job asap. Thanks to everyone on this thread. I really believe I would have still been waffling on this. Why do I have this feeling that this is just the beginning. My WH is going to do something when he finds out I told her dad. He will play the victim and paint as a jealous woman over a young girl which is not true. She was going to be his downfall given the fact she has told several people about their affair. I just found out she left phone n Florida and my WH use company funds (Co. Fed-Ex Acct) to have shipped back to her
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I know its going to take awhile for me to trust WH again. I do want to save my marriage because it is worth saving. To my knowledge he has never cheated on me before. I want to get back that smile I used to have when he walks into the room again. My WH said I look at him with disqust in my eyes now. I look so unhappy and miserable.
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Ok I will tell him about the proof I have. Her dad has all girls too!! His oldest daughter knows and is very upset that her sister has done this mess to their family
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My WH is going to do something when he finds out I told her dad. He will play the victim and paint as a jealous woman over a young girl which is not true. She was going to be his downfall given the fact she has told several people about their affair. I just found out she left phone n Florida and my WH use company funds (Co. Fed-Ex Acct) to have shipped back to her Viv, exposure will help wake your husband up from this fantasy. The more people that know, the better. I would tell your children, his parents, your parents, any close siblings and friends, so there is pressure from many sources. This is your best chance of recovery. When he finds out about the exposures I would set him down and tell him you will give him an opportunity to regain your trust if he does certain things, such as be completely honest and transparent, end all contact with his OW, move to a new town and commit to a program of recovery. That is what it will take to keep you in this marriage. Have a plan of recovery in your back pocket. Anything less than this committment from him, Vivi, will be a death of a thousand cuts for you. You have nothing to lose by DEMANDING all this because you have no marriage if he doesnt. Here is the plan: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Recommend for the boyfriend NOT to leave, but to put his boss's supervisor on notice that if this situation is not dealt with immediately, he will proceed with a sexual discrimination claim. He needs to let the supervisor know that he has proof of the affair, and that would also be a good time to bring up WH using company resources for the OW. "And it might be worth looking to see if other misappropriations have taken place..." his voice trails off suggestively.
He also needs to document each of these incidents, as they give proof of the discrimination.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Thank you for the information. I do not trust my WH at all anymore. Like this evening he called me from work and I looked at the caller ID to make sure he was calling from work. I told our daughter (she is 38) last night. She is so disappointed in her dad right. She is like why is he messing with that young girl. She told me that I need to take care of myself 1st. Also, I told both of my sisters about the affair. They are very upset about it and very worried about me. I told them that I will be ok. My heart hurts so bad right now. I have not put up the tree yet for the holidays.
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. I told our daughter (she is 38) last night. She is so disappointed in her dad right. Vivi, I am glad you are getting support from your family. Will your daughter call her dad and express her disappointment? It would be very helpful if she did. His affair is something that affects the entire family so she has every right to express her displeasure. It will help wake your husband up to hear her thoughts. And if she won't tell him, you should tell him the DD has been told. Everyone should know and he needs that know that everyone knows.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you for the information. I do not trust my WH at all anymore. . One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should never have been trusted in the first place. I shouldn't be trusted by my wife, and I shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening. Basing a marriage on the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward preventing an affair. Being each other's favorite leisure-time companions, and not being away from each other overnight are also important safety measures. Meeting each other's most important emotional needs, avoiding Love Busters and building an integrated lifestyle, free of secret second lives, are all ways to affair-proof your marriage. With these measures in place, we end up trusting our spouses because an affair becomes almost impossible to achieve.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I told him not to leave. He told that my WH told him not to bring personal issues to work. He told my WH that he is the one that did that by messing around with his girlfriend and how could he do this to his wife since we are godparents of the kids. He told me on that day my WH suspended him and had him escorted by security for one day. I am in shock by this. He has gone too far by messing with this young man. Even though he is no longer his boss he follows him around to see if he is doing his job. I told to go to HR and report it asap
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Viv, I am confused. You say you have been together 19 years but your ["our"] daughter is 38. Is this the daughter of your current marriage? Your H is 51 but the daughter is 38. How old are you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry about that I am 54 and this is my second marriage. This is WH 2nd marriage also. He has been more of a father to my daughter than her own dad (He gave her away when she got married) She loves this man so much and it hurts her to her he cheated on me. My 1st marriage my ex used to beat me and he also cheated on me all the time.
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I have gone through so much in life. So when I met my WH I was very leary and ask alot of questions before I would even go out with him. He was in Army and such a gentleman. He treated me like a lady. He talked about how his 1st wife cheated on him and had 2 kids when they were still married with someone else. So thought this man would never cheat on me. He knows what it feels like. I was wrong about that.
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Well you guys my WH knows I told her dad. He came in late comforted me saying I can believe you told her dad. He is like you were suppose be by my side in this. He told he doesnt want to talk to me right now and that we figure this in the morning. Its now 1am and we have been arguing for hours. I told him I am trying to save our marriage. He said I didnt cheat on you with that girl and I told him I have proof you did. I showed him the letter and he was like I dont know whats she is talking about and the naked pics which he has said that were not meant for him. The voicemail, he said thats not his voice which clearly it is. He is still denying anything has happen. I him to stop with the denial. Clearly my work is cut out for me on this mess
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I am so tired right now. I am still up thinking about my next move. What do I do now since he willnot be honest with me regarding his affair. He thinks its going to go away and he can resume doing her. Thanks again for everyone's support
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vivi,
Once I read a thread here where a wife actually caught her husband in the act, in bed with the OW. He tried to convince her that she was hallucinating!!! I admit it make me laugh despite the pain the poor woman was going through.
Of course he will deny but you need to cut yourself off from that. I had the same problem. You are wasting your breath by arguing with him over this. Just make it clear what you require in order to recover your marriage and then walk away. You are using up your energy by arguing. I am delighted to hear that a weight has been lifted from you since you told the dad. That's because you know in your heart that you are on the right track.
Well done, keep going.
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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Vivi, read Pep's annual Christmas/December thread. She kept her's short and sweet. She said, "I know."
He's trying to gaslight you. You know what you know and he knows you know. He's just going to look like an idiot and get deeper and deeper the more he tries to cover up.
The only other thing you might tell him is "please excuse me while I go look in the mirror to see if I look that gullible." J/K... don't do that.
If you have the evidence to support your claim, then don't worry about it. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, then it's probably a duck.
Stop arguing with him about this. K?
((Vivi))
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I am so tired right now. I am still up thinking about my next move. What do I do now since he willnot be honest with me regarding his affair. He thinks its going to go away and he can resume doing her. Thanks again for everyone's support You don't need his admission to know what you both know is true. Tell him you already know the truth, so you won't waste your time in a cat and mouse game trying to make him confess. Then tell him what I wrote above. If he wants to stay married to you, he has to do certain things. Line it out for him and make yourself very clear. When you discuss it, don't ASK him if its true, TELL HIM it is true. And if he tries to deny it, just hold your hand up "STOP" and shut him down.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am so tired right now. I am still up thinking about my next move. What do I do now since he willnot be honest with me regarding his affair. He thinks its going to go away and he can resume doing her. Thanks again for everyone's support Why are you trying to convince him of something he already knows? Vivi, you have exposed to a prime target. Well done. Have you cut off OW and her kids?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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At one point, then-WH was trying so hard to convince me that he wasn't really sleeping with OW, even though I KNEW he was, that he appealed to the dog. "Do you hear that, boy? She thinks I'm lying. YOU believe me, don't you, boy?"  Don't let it stress you. They all lie. Don't bog down in that. You refuse to argue, and proceed with YOUR plan, regardless of what he does. 1. Make sure every bit of the OW and her family have been cut out of your life. If you have not already done so, notify her that she is no longer to come over to your house - ever. 2. Time to put some carrot in Plan A - you've done a great job with the stick! What are WH's top EN's? Pick one and work to meet it today. Admiration? Tell or text him something nice about himself. If you can't think of anything current, look into the past. SF? Send him a naughty message or two. FC? Have the house looking good and a tasty supper ready when he gets home. 3. Take care of yourself, too. What nice thing can you do for *you* today? 4. Put on your happy face. Time to confuse the stuffing out of him. Be cheerful and upbeat, very pleasant to be around. You can do this!
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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This morning I got up and made a appontment to get my hair cut and styled. I made his coffee for him and walked him to the door handed him briefcase gave him a kiss and told him to have a nice day and that I would call him later. After he left I sat down to write this letter to OW. Last night she had the nerve to text me asking me if I would watch the kids for a few hours. I text her back saying no i would not. I told her not to text me anymore. she told WH I gave her back all the kids clothes toys pics. He was like you need to stop listening to what people are telling you. I cant believe you are doing this. OW at home crying her eyes out over this saying she would never do anything to hurt or disrepect me. I dont care
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