Transparency? All computer and phone passwords, accountability for one's whereabouts, etc.

So what are you going to do about the root cause of problems in your marriage? How are you going to accomplish a Plan A?

The big question: are having passwords to all accounts enough?? Things can be deleted/removed/changed/new accounts can be created in a matter of seconds/minutes?? I am too obsessed right now and simply need time to heal?? Will this feeling of him constantly hiding something from me ever go away??

Plan A. OK so my plan was to build some LU in the bank and then introduce him to MB. Well still waiting for the right time, but I am beginning to realize that will never happen, so I just need to do it.

I did attempt last night, possibly not the right way (I am learning), got shut down/rejected by him, so today I am feeling somewhat crappy and vindictive. In the past I would engage in some type of vindictive behavior, but I am here talking about how I feel instead of acting upon my feelings. Need a different approach.
Correct me if I am wrong, if I am to suggest things (which is what he wants me to do � told me last nigh you arrange everything and I will do it) Need some input on this one?? Do I just tell him this is what I want to do? The big question is will he do it just to do it? Or will he do

rest of my post... got cut off the first time..

Or will he do it because he believes that will make our relationship better? I guess I am a firm believer that you can�t force something on another person, because eventually they will end up resenting you. If this theory is right, then if he is doing it just to make me happy, he will not love it/enjoy it and eventually will end up resenting me for it. I am over thinking this?

I guess I have made so many mistakes, I don�t want to make mistakes anymore� so yes I am overanalyzing this one a little.

Americajin, The other day I inquired about your story, but didn�t find anything original from you, just responses to others. Why are you here? What is your story??
I hope whatever it is, it is all working out well for you!

Well, if what he is doing is meeting your EN's, and not succumbing to Selfish Demands... then resentment will most likely NOT be the case.

If you are meeting his EN's, then he will WANT to meet yours.

Is it that simple???
I think I am overanalizing!!

Of course it is that simple.

If we are simply meeting the emotional needs of someone we are in love with - not serving their selfish demands - and they are meeting ours... well, what would you call that?

I don't really have that much of a story. I lurked for several years here, and what I read seemed to make a lot of sense and simple to implement if one really wants to make the effort to respect and cooperate with one's partner. I came here when I was separated from my exwife, and then joined as a member, but I didn't (and still don't) post all that much. I usually post to threads that involve military or perhaps need a male perspective, where I feel I can make a difference or threads that kind of strike a chord within me. Yours did both. I don't post to a lot of other threads because usually others have offered great advice already and I hate to be redundant. I am married now to a great woman that I love very much, and I still come here to learn and as maintenance for my marriage.

You know, if I were you I would not only read the literature here that everyone will urge you to, but also the books by Laura Schlessinger called Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages. Many people have different opinions of her, but one thing I will say is that she really understands men.

A lot of people think that once they're married that they don't have to work at it anymore, and some go even farther and think that despite whatever treatment they dole out that their spouses are supposed to accept it and take it, and they usually find out they're wrong in the worst possible fashion.

It would probably be a good thing for your husband to come here but perhaps not now, at least not until you think the both of you could promise not to read or post onto each others threads until you could get to the level of openness in your marriage that you could handle some very frank thoughts, feelings and opinions in a gracious manner. And since you seem to have problems with just conversation, I would work more on yourself to begin with before trying to bring your husband into it. There recently was a younng couple on the boards that would have it out on the same thread and while it was somewhat entertaining in a Jerry Springer kind of way, it didn't do anything but exacerbate the multitude of problems that they had and left everyone wondering why they got married in the first place.

Americajin,
I see, thank you for sharing. I wish I waited and didn�t get involved with another man so soon after my first divorce. I was not ready and my kids were not ready. Since we married we have both been so so busy, build a house together, I finished school, he started new business, and kids. We have led separate lives for so long that now its time to finally reconnect and we are struggling.
I think that my husband could totally read things on here and just let them be, he is mature enough. I on the other hand have some growing to do before I could do something like that. For today we are pushing forward and I am learning how to be a good wife, something I have to do before anything else can be done.
I am glad that my post stood out because your comments were the most powerful and really made me think about my own actions, because that is all I can control. Thanks!

Update,

Things have been going well. My guard is not down by any means and the thoughts of him returning to these websites and woman are paralyzing at times.

I was scared last week because I realized that I really never loved him, as crazy as that may sound. I never wanted to do anything for him, just wanted to take whatever he was going to offer. With time I think he got tired of giving, well I can�t blame him. I have asked myself a million times in my head, how can I love him and not allow it to turn into resentment? The answer was much simpler then the process of getting it, he already loves me and keeps putting love units into the bank I just need to acknowledge that and accept it. I think with time that feeling of love will just happen, but time is needed.

Our communication has been really good. We have many disagreements and different opinions, but how we handle them is really good. I have been enjoying our conversations and I hope he is as well. Its been pleasant!!

As I am going through this process, I wish that there was a magic wand I could wave and make all of this go back to normal and make all of the negative, unpleasant, or sad feelings go away. Wishful thinking

For now, everything is great. He is a great guy and I am glad he is apart of my life!

DVD or something more!?
Today, my daughter has sleepover and the girls wanted to watch movies. When we came home from church I went downstairs where most of our DVDs are stored followed by the husband. Once downstairs he is behind me telling me �move I can�t see� and every time I move he keeps saying it. I start picking the movies and he seriously starts �loosing his mind?!� because I am picking his movies and he doesn�t want them to get ruined. I picked four movies, and wanted to look what else was there and at point of time he is getting really annoyed and starts to annoy me with his behavior. I handed him the movies I picked up and said I don�t want to even bring them upstairs if he will behave like this and he launched into this huge speech about how the movies are his before we were married (untrue statement) and he doesn�t want them to be ruined. I said I will go the red box, and walked away upset, I think because he was just really �unreasonable� and �selfish�. I am missing something here, just not sure what. He came to see me when I was in the office trying to get past it, reading some of the posts. He asked if I will be OK and I said eventually. Just went downstairs to tell him that how he behaved was very upsetting to me and handed him some pizza for dinner just to hear the same speech I did the first time?? What am I missing here?? I don�t want to be upset about this and I don�t want to fight?

Maybe he has a porn stash?

Just a thought...

That would be my guess. Time to have a look at a few of those less-played DVDs to see what's actually stored in those containers...

No.. these movies are in the open, we can all look at them at any time.. He did have one tape that he discarded when we married and moved in together... so no I don't think so... Really not sure what to think?? Maybe he is just upset about something else and it will come out tomorrow, not really sure. I am so glad I have this website, because any other time I would just dwell on a situation like this and not have anyone to talk to...and would just make matters worse... Thanks!!

OMG... I think you could be right after all there is something there he is hidding and that is why he was upset and didnt want me to look! I dont think its porn though! Will need to snoop and see what I find tomorrow... He can be very "protective" of "his things" in a hording type way... ?? maybe that is all that is.

Ever since what I would describe as an AO this past weakened I can�t get into the routine that I was in. Since the weakened he has been very distant and finally last night he �came back�, and acted like nothing has happened and in a sense there was an expectation for me to be this loving and supportive wife?! I was too upset about the whole thing and really could not give him what he needed and just ended up going to bed without a word he slept on the couch. He has been neglecting our relationship all week, and yesterday morning I went to give him a hug as I was leaving for work in the morning and he was laughing at me, I said I guess I don�t need a hug this morning and left. Last night when he got home he asked me �where is my hug?� and I said I don�t appreciate being made fun of or rejected, but I will give you a hug, so I did. Then he proceeded to tell me all about his day, and I just couldn�t listen because really I didn�t care about his day at all since my needs were not being event touched upon all week. I guess I could have been interested if he said hey sorry I have been distant all week, work has been crazy, or whatever the reason, but there was nothing, just immediately jumping back into it without any acknowledgment of his behavior. So I guess I am looking for some encouragement to keep going because all this week I am feeling like I am done with this marriage.

Seems to me like nothing's really changed for you, xo13, you're in the same pattern that brought you here in the first place.

Would you have any tips on how to brake the pattern? Thanks is advance

If you want to break the pattern, perhaps it's time to sit down with your husband and tell him exactly what you are telling us here. It's easy to skirt the big issues to keep the peace.

Sit him down and tell him you are not happy, and you need his help to make your marriage happier and stronger. He will either step up and do whatever it takes, or reject you. That should help you determine how much he values you and the relationship.

You have to understand WHY it is that you meet your spouse�s emotional needs, which is to deposit units into THEIR love bank. You do it because you want to show that you love that person. You do it even if initially it is not reciprocated or, as in your case, because his love bank has been running in the red for quite a long time.

You do NOT do it as some form of quid pro quo, where you will make the effort only because you expect to see it reciprocated and then quit when you don�t see an immediate return on your emotional investment. Your husband sees you make a quick half-assed attempt to meet some of his needs but knows you won�t see it through, and then you confirm it in his mind that you are not really interested in meeting his needs, you only care what he can do for you.

If you want, why don�t you use me and others here as a sounding board before you try to have any more marriage related conversations? You know I�ll give you a pretty direct answer to your questions and it may save you from backsliding and ruining whatever progress you may have made. In the Army we used to have a saying that it takes two �attaboys� to cancel out every �awww, sh*t!� Almost like taking one step forward and two steps back. We�ll try to help you cancel out the �aww sh*ts� (love busters) and beef up the love deposits.

Also, if you are angry at someone, don't try to talk with them, unless of course your aim is to retaliate and it's someone that you don't care for in the first place. It never goes well when you say things in anger to someone with whom you have a relationship, whether it's coworkers, friends or your family, and it often turns into something that will take a long time to forget or forgive. Wait until you can think calmly and rationally before attempting a conversation. remember the old saw "act in haste, repent in leisure".