My GF just text me. She just seen WH and OW at Wal Mart. GF walked up to them and said to WH What r u doing with that ho. You need to try to fix your marriage. He is like I just ran into here. He just cant stop lying. GF was like stop talking and listen. Go home and reflex on your life with your wife and what do u want to do. Do you want to be with girl and her 3 kids and start over or do u want to repair your marriage. He told her i want my wife to come home tonight. She told him that I am not coming home right now and to leave me along. OW was standing there say nothing. He told my GF that I called his family and they are very upset with him. His mom was like why would u do that to your marriage. I am being blame for upsetting his mother and family. So its all on me once again. I know this is just the beginning with this mess. Thanks again for the support---u guys are the best!!!!!

Where does OW live? With her dad?

PM, from what I have read, yes she does.

Viv, this is why the others have suggested that you get out of there. They don't seem to be showing any shame in being "caught" together now. This is truly disgusting.

Kudos to your friends and family. You have such great support.

yes OW lives with her dad down the street from my house.

Even if she turns out to have been underage, it's not your problem whether the DA (not the father) decides to press charges. Although in that case I would advocate a lifelong Plan B. Of course that is truly horrible to think about, so don't. You won't get the truth by asking, but whatever it is, it will come out with time.

File this question away for later if you end up in a position to have him take a polygraph. I would not consider entering a R with him if that question is not asked, answered, and passed.

Of course WH was out with OW. As I have said, NOTHING has changed. Nothing. He's still a fogged-out alien, still buried deep in adultery. The only difference is you have proof. You need to proceed with your plan, whatever you choose it to be, based only on your own decisions for you. His wayward stupidity shouldn't change your course one way or the other.

Do what's right for you, and he will either join you or not.

Refresh my memory, it's not what it used to be, sorry. I see the A is coming up on a year long. How long has it actually been since you first found out about it? What have your interactions been like between D-day and when you found MB?

As part of helping you figure out whether to continue Plan A (for another week or so), or just go to Plan B, I need to know what you've already been through, besides the past few horrible days.

Keep reminding yourself of this, vivi!

Earlier today my advice was for you to try to reason with this man, but the others here are right.

There's no reasoning with fogged-out aliens. What seems very basic and logical to sane people is totally foreign to them.

I have to keep reminding myself that some people aren't operating in the "normal" realm.

WH is can't believe i actually left him because he has always been able to get out of his mess. At one time I never doubted him when he told me something. My DD told me he is so surprise that I left our home. He thinks someone is tellng me to do this like I can't think on my own. Right now I dont want to look at this man its like hs hormones are going crazy over this homewrecker. He is now texting me like crazy saying he will never divorce me and that I need to listen to him. I owe him that. That I need to come home now. He told me he used poor judgement by meeting up with the OW at WalMart. How sorry he is for doing that. He just needed to talk to someone so he picked her???? I have nothing to say right now. He is so disrespectful and has no shame. I feel like crap right now. Right now at this moment I feel my marriage is done. I have been physically ill this evening. I am not in a good place right now and I need help My hands are shaking so bad as I type

I was physically ill, too, vivi. Nauseous, vomiting, crying, shaking, pangs of pain.

You should make an appointment with your doctor first thing Monday. To screen for STDs and to discuss the possibility of taking an antidepressant.

Thank u for the advice. I went to the Dr this past Monday. I got some lab work done. i really don't like taking alot of meds given the fact I suffered from chronic pain and take very strong meds now.

I remember telling u guys that n 1 week I lost 12pds When I went to my Dr Monday I lost another 7pds. Do u guys think i should tell my Dr whats going on given the fact we are friends with him and his wife?

We are not like real close with them but we do get together from time to time. He has been are Dr for 10 years

"Our" OW told AJ more than once that I had to have someone helping me to do all the things I was doing. How right she was!

Be calm, and turn off your phone. At whatever point you go to Plan B, you'll obviously need a new phone number.

You have plenty of time to decide if your M is done. Don't stress yourself by thinking that far down the road right now. Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't. Right now you need to rest so your head will be clear to decide what your plan is.

Act, don't react.

Hold onto God, and trust in Him. He's on the job 24 hours a day. While you sleep, He's still working.

When you get a moment, it would be really helpful to get a more detailed timeline of the A, and what you have already done/tried. It sounds like you're pretty worn out.

Well, DH just got home so I'll sign off. Get some rest, and that's an order.

Yes, you should tell the doctor. He needs to know what's going on in order to treat you.

Neak u r wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a

I am crying so hard rt now that i can hardly see the keys type so I am going to stop for awhile

Oh Viv,

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through - so glad that you are with your daughter - I shared some of my situation, couple years ago. I remember crying so much and thinking I should change the pillow cases. Then I would be quiet and sort of withdraw - didn't want to go anywhere - random things brought me back to tears, triggers - things my husband bought me.

It's good for you to be away from the home right now, especially with good people who will protect you. Let yourself process through your feelings and take care of yourself - so important! I said a prayer for you tonight. You are getting some really good advice here.

Keep up the good work! You are courageous!

Thank u for those kind words. I am praying alot now.

I need to decide what I want to do but for now I will relax and rest up for awhile

Vivi, I know that you may not feel like it, but you ARE doing something right now. You don't need to make any hard and fast decisions about what you will do in the future. What you need to do is follow the plans. Keep yourself away from your WH for today. Get yourself out of the the drama for a few hours so you can gain the strength to either go into Plan A for a short time, or Plan B. BOTH are hard to do so you are going to need all of the strength you can get right now.

I understand about not wanting to take many meds. I was able to pull off Plan A and going to Plan B without meds but I almost didn't. I remember, one year ago, saying these words to my friends, "I am losing it right now, I really should get on some ADs." I was a mess. I am lucky that I made it through. Looking back, I wish I had taken the meds.

Yes, you should definitely tell your doctor what is going on. Your doctor needs to know so he can help you.

Take care of yourself. That is more important than anything else right now.

vivi, this is so tough for you. I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I think that posters here are influenced by their own history and although we all agree with and believe in MB principles we have different perspectives depending on whether or not our marriages are in recovery or if they ended.

I am one of the ones who did not recover my marriage so this has some impact on my opinion. I can see with hindsight that Plan A had absolutely no impact on WH. It just made him think that I was a push-over and he could do exactly as he wanted. It was however good for me in that I can now walk away knowing in my heart that I left no stone unturned.

In my case I say this because I was a Plan A wife for 20 years and so it wasn't a few weeks extra after Dday that was going to change anything. Like you say, I was not and am not perfect because I'm not a perfect person but I was the best wife that I know how to be. Dr Harley himself says that if his wife had an A he would not try to save his M, he would divorce immediately. I believe he says this because he believes he is doing everything in his power already to create a good, loving marriage so if that does not satisfy his wife then what could be possibly do in the future to prevent it happening again. This, after many many agonising hours of questioning myself is my situation too.
My marriage is now over and I felt like you do now. I understand the agony and my heart goes out to you but by following MB principles I have come through this ordeal with my head high, stonger and a better person than before. I would never have believed it.
I am telling you this so that you know the context of what I think you should do. You have to make your own mind up but it helped me to get the variety of opinions here on the forum so I am adding my opinion in the hope that it helps.

Firstly I would tell everyone about the affair, your doctor, friends, family etc. Tell them in as calm, dignified a way as you can. Just say 'WH had an A with OW. This has hurt me tremendously and I am trying to deal with it as best I can.' Avoid using judgement words if you can because they cloud your message and don't allow people to make their own mind up.

Then I would refuse all contact with WH. I would not do Plan A in any form. In my opinion it has gone too far for that. You wrote this:
This shows that he does not realise yet that he cannot control you, he can only control himself. He needs to realise that and only Plan B can achieve that. Take your time, there is no rush but when you feel ready send him a letter outlining your position, making 2 points
- that you still love him and are prepared to forgive him
- the conditions you require in order to recover your marriage.
Personally I would avoid anti-depressants drugs if you can but then I have a problem with drugs of all types and will avoid them whereever possible. I didn't take any myself and I think that the pain you are feeling is 'normal'. Pain gets a negative press but it is an essential warning mechanism to let us know when we are in a dangerous situation and when we should get ourselves out of it.

Your previous post about his family gave me hope for him. If he is raised in a good, morally aware family then there is a good chance that he might see the light and react accordingly.

I hope you will find the right way for you but it sounds as if you have good friends and family supporting you so it's a good sign