I got married the 1st time when I was 17. All the wrong reasons I was in this relationship. From the beginning he beat me. If the house wasnt clean the way he liked, I got beat. He a thing about baseboards--They had to be so clean with nooo dirt on them. The last beating he broke my jaw and threw me through a patio window (lucky I covered my face) I had suffered from chronic pain. My WH was in the Military at the time I met him on 6/22/91. The 1st thing I ask him is if he beats women and he looked at me like What? He said I have never hit a woman and thinks all men who do that are cowards. We dated for 4 years and got married 7/29/95. We went to Germany in 12/95 and had so much fun. We did everything together. My family was so happy for me. His family (3 sisters & 5 brothers) are so wonderful His sisters told me they were so glad he found someone like me cause his 1st wife (she was in the military also) was so mean to him and like to fight and i was totally different. His dad told him I was a keeper lol love his family. This is going to break their heart. He is still texting me like crazy saying I love you. please talk to me come home now

I understand what u are saying. He is 51 and a 21 has the hots for him. That ego starts kicking in like yeah i still got it instead of putting the kid in her place. I keep thinking whats on that minicam and it makes me sick. I could not watch the whole thing. I just can't. I am a mess today--a total mess

From being beaten by my 1st H to my WH cheating on me with someone we have known since 12. u guys i am about to lose my mind---who does skanky mess like this.

Vivi - you're doing so good and I'm so proud of your daughter protecting you right now.

He needs at least a week of no response from you. Meanwhile, you find a good lie detector person and have your daughter send him the phone number to make an appointment - you'll be selecting the questions. He has until then to come clean and have a plan for amends and restitution. You can then decide if you ever want contact with him again once you have his plan, and the lie detector results.

Until then, work on mental and physical toughness. I know you don't feel like eating, so go for calorie and nutrient rich things like fruit smoothies and if nothing else, Ensure works - doesn't taste great but you need your strength.

He needs to know that you will not EVER talk with him while he's lying. And YOU KNOW he's lying!

You need to find out how long he's been lying to you on other things because obviously he thinks his persuasive powers are beyond this world. Which means likely he's lied to you before and convinced you that you were crazy. Think back over your life with him when things didn't seem quite right but he soothed you with his convincing words.

edit to add - once you remember those times, build those into your yes-no questions for the lie detector. Give him a list of about 150 questions that you MIGHT select from so that you don't get trickle truth once he starts spilling his guts.

He needs to understand the marriage as he knows it is over. And he can either come clean and be an honorable but still likely to become divorced man or continue to dig his soul deeper to hell as a dirty old man who lost his marriage and his honor.

He is so good at playing the victim. My best friend (she is like my sister) I told her about the naked pics 1st which I found on his B-day. She told something had been bothering her for awhile. She told me she had a talk with my WH about this girl always hanging around him like that. It dont look right with her always sitting with her legs open and looking trampy. See my girlfriend dates my WH younger brother and he seen the same thing and he tried to talking to his brother also. I never knew that. She has told hs brother about the affair (My WH dont know he knows) and he is very upset--He is n Iraq rt now and coming back in Feb to stay with us. He is like why would he do that to my sister-n-law. Thats my brother but wrong is wrong. She has flirted with her too. I have been sitting here thinking back last year when he had a female friend he used to text often and told she just a friend and that I would like her but I never met her. All of sudden he stopped talking about her. How could I be so trusting with this man. Its going to take so much for me to ever trust this man again (if I can) u guys I am so down right. Dont get me wrong by no mean am I Ms Perfect. I had issues in which I went and talk to someone about . I went through alot of abuse in my 1st marriage that I never delt with. I didnt want it to affect my 2nd marriage at all. This hurts so bad right now

I know it will take awhile for me to recover. i feel like the biggest fool right now. u guys I love my WH so much and I am like what did I do to deserve to be treated like this. He never hit me but this feels so much worse. I feel like my heart is on the ground and he is stomping on it!!!!!!!!

VIVI I have been following your thread and I am so sorry you are in this situation, but have you exposed this on his family side yet? If not then please do so the people you need to expose are...

Your family/friends
WH family/friends
OW family/friends

If you have not yet finished with exposure do it ASAP.

Good luck! Sounds like you have a wonderful daughter and son in law

He just left flowers outside my daughter's place. I told my daughter i dont want them and to do whatever with them Flowers? Really?

vivi, I would strongly suggest you call his sisters and any other family members this weekend and tell them what has happened. You never know who will be able to get through to him and you want to get to them with evidence before he gets to them and lies about the reasons for your departure. If he gets to them first, it will be harder to convince them of the truth.

Ask these family members to use their influence to persuade him to end his affair. Find a way to let him know everyone knows.

Why cant he leave me alone?

Because he is afraid of getting caught and he wants to gas light you, please be smarter then him and do not contact him, contact his family members and let them know what you have found.

which is funny because he has already gotten caught like how many times? and STILL denys it? Come one, this guy is not very smart!

I am telling he always has a stupid excuse. Now is she seduced me and it was an accident like what u trip and fell in her? My wh is a mess. My daughter has told him over and over mom does not want to talk to u right now--leave her alone. My son-n-law ran into the OW at the store. She went up to him and said to tell me she is so sorry and she wants to talk to me. My son-n-law told thats not a good ideal and to leave me alone period. He ask if she got the NC letter i left for her and she said yes but that she deserve more than that. What? Has this girl lost her mind. Deserve what? Oh thank you for going behind my back and sleeping with my WH and oh yeah thank you for letting me get close to your kids so that it would be hard for me to no longer see them. Thank you and my WH for screwing up my marriage u silly ho

No he thinks I am not that smart and will fall for his mess.

I talked to his sister this morning and she is in shock. My WH is her big brother. She looked up to this man because of his morals and thought him of all people wouldnt do anything like this. She is upset and mad right now. She ask not to leave her brother. This is so not him. She will tell the rest of the family. She ask me how i was holding up and that she loves me very much. His family is so awesome!!!!!! My family knows now

I will talk to u guys later. I am very tired right now. Been up making ph calls all morning. It was so hard and why am I crying again

{{{{{{Vivi}}}}}}}

Time is your friend. This whole process takes months, and we'll be here for you every step of the way.

I have a slightly different take on a few things than some of the above posters, whom I greatly admire and respect. I'm not trying to take anything away from them or their excellent posts in what I say, and ultimately you're the one who will make up your own mind.

WH telling the truth is a very important boundary for you to have, after you go to Plan B, and before you will consider R. Right now you're still in Plan A, albeit taking a short break due to all the excess of drama.

Right now, expecting WH to tell the truth before you will speak to him is akin to commanding the sun to set in the east. He will never come clean while wayward. Any crumbs of truth you get will be grudging and forced.

If you're going to go straight into Plan B, fine, do that, and have honesty as one of your prerequisites to R. But right now you will get nothing useful from him, because his brain has still been alien-napped. Ditto lie detector tests.

I think you should save all that for down the road, when he seems like he might be telling the truth, at least some of his actions are consistent with repentance, and you need some sort of additional verification that he is now being truthful.

At this point, he is straight up lying about everything. If he told me his name was Mr. Vivi, I would ask to see his birth certificate, and only a certified copy at that. You don't need more proof at this point that he's lying, because you already know it.

You have probably read by now that Dr. H recommends 2 years of Plan B, since that is the outside time for most A's to end. You will find that as the months roll by, you will grow stronger and heal more, even from the terrible blows you have received. We're with ya for the long haul!

Rest up, sister! You need your strength. You are doing great! Let your DD and her H know that they are doing great as well, by protecting you!

I got a little rest today. i just got up feeling bad still. My DD ask me if I wanted her to get me something to eat. I will try and eat something because I need to. My DD and her H are so worried about me. OW dad called me saying that he and I need to talk about this mess. He wants to know when it started and was she underage at the time. I am like man why r u asking me this now. Could he press charges? Another thing I have to worry about now. I believe it started n Jan of this year a week before WH birthday.

Vivi, you are doing a SPECTACULAR job.

Rest up, part of Plan A is taking care of yourself. Let others protect you. Get all of that exposure done as quickly as possible so you can do a short Plan A and then get yourself into Plan B.

I am NOT surprised that your WH is lying and trying to tell giant whale tales about what happened. He is a crack addict and you are threatening to take away his crack. He is going to do whatever he can to try to keep you BOTH. This cake-eating thing doesn't work if you're no longer in the picture. That's why he can't leave you alone. He KNOWS that OW would NOT be what he would want long term. That is why YOU can't go.