He Does comes from a good family. All 5 brothers are married and the 3 sisters live with their mom. They would like to find a guy like their brothers (They know how to treat women) So this just blows them away. I spoke with his mom this morning. She said we did not their kids to behave in such a manner. I told her he is a grown man that maade dumb choices. I don't care the OW pulled her clothes off in front of him--its up to him to put her in her place. This morning I feel a little better and can think clearly. I was a mess yesterday. He text me this morning saying his family let him have it last night. His mother told him He needs to fix his marriage now. He told her mom she won't talk to me. she told him to give me some space. No one wants us to get a divorce (both families dont believe in it) I have to do whats best for me. Her dad just text me asking me if I had the kids cause she did not come home I am like why would I have those kids. My daughter told she is with her ex boyfriend trying to get back with him (he lives in the same apartment complex as my DD and her H) U could jump OW wall and walk down the street to get to the apartment. In order for this marriage work (maybe) we do need to move

Well let me get up and start my day. My daughter is like mom just rest. I was thinking this morning and I believe this is not his 1st affair. I turned off my phone last night and it has so alot of messages on it. Its going to take me awhile to read them.

vivi, you may find this hard to believe right now, but YOU are driving the bus. This is all about YOU now. Do not let people text you and try to bully you into responding to any request they make.

OW father wants to know how long this has been going on?? Don't even respond to that! He is asking the victim for the details of the crime??

You don't need this drama right now.

Please see your dr. about meds. It's not a sin to seek help during this traumatic time.

Probably, but you are not there yet. You need first to get committment from him to making your marriage work. And the best way to do that is to show him clearly that you are absolutely prepared to walk away from him forever rather than accept the treatment that he is giving you. You do that though Plan B in action rather than words. Even though the main purpose of Plan B is to protect you from hurt.

I'm not convinced of the need for a lie detector test. If you have the slightest doubt that he is telling the truth, then he's lying. The truth shines like the sun (or hurts like a birth contraction cramp :)) but there's no mistaking it for anything else.

This is not correct thinking. The real question is,

Why was a married man even in a position where any woman could pull her clothes off and not get arrested?

You are right. But you are going to have to move regardless of whether your marriage works or not. Lets say you decide to divorce and he moves out of that house. You sure don't want to be living next to the OW. I would start thinking and making plans now to move. Contact a realtor and get your appraisal going. If you live in a tough real estate market, you can rent the house out and buy a house somewhere else.

You don't have to make all those decisions today, but I would start thinking along those lines. Can you stay with your daughter for a while? Will she go to your house and get things for you if you need them?

U r right about that. I am like all this time this little girl was doing mess behind my back. She used to sit in the garage with him and I didnt give it a 2nd thought. But I do remember one time as I was coming out the back door through the garage she was sitting on the bed of his truck and WH was between her legs and she jumped up so quick and I am like what are u 2 doing? WH told me he had just finish backing the truck in and was was walking past her. Its just the little things that I should have paid more attention to. I am so trusting to a fault and now those 2 skanky people took that fr me. My nice son-n-law went to check on WH at the house. He said the house is a total wreck like he's looking for something (minicam)lol

He said he looks a mess. He told WH to stop texting me. just wait for me to contact him. I am not in a good place right now. He got mad saying that I am his wife and place is at home now. He is still not getting it. u don't control me. i am now the driver and u are a passenger so sit back and enjoy the ride!!!

Yes I can with my Daughter for awhile

Probably, but you are not there yet. You need first to get committment from him to making your marriage work. And the best way to do that is to show him clearly that you are absolutely prepared to walk away from him forever rather than accept the treatment that he is giving you. You do that though Plan B in action rather than words. Even though the main purpose of Plan B is to protect you from hurt.

I'm not convinced of the need for a lie detector test. If you have the slightest doubt that he is telling the truth, then he's lying. The truth shines like the sun (or hurts like a birth contraction cramp :)) but there's no mistaking it for anything else. [/quote]

The next time he contacts your DD or SIL, have them say one thing:
"vivi wants you to know that she has the minicam. You can quit looking for it."

Actually, I would say absolutely nothing about the minicam for the moment. It's a weapon I would keep under wraps until the need to reveal it comes up.

And don't forget in Plan B there should be no communication either way. He should know nothing from or about you and you should know nothing about him. This is how you will find the strength to think clearly and act appropriately. So you shouldn't know what's going on with him. Go dark!

Ok I will do that. Thank you for the advice. Tomorrow I am going to get my hair cut which I have not done in a long time. My DD made the appt for me in which I didnt know til this morning (I just love my DD and my SIL is the greatest!!)

My DD is going to get some clothes for me today. Thats all I need for now. He can't say I abandon the home (its like I am on vacation)

If he's still this frantic tomorrow, you should seriously consider going into Plan B while he's at work. It doesn't sound like he is settling down much, rather the opposite.

I suggest you work on your letter today and have that all ready.

You may begin to remember more and more little details, red flags from the past that you may have ignored because you trusted your H.

Write them all down so you don't forget now.

Still trying to figure out the timeline so as to give you the best advice I can. Does this mean you have been living under the same roof with your WH for almost a year, still in daily contact with the OW and her children, KNOWING they were cheating?

What, if any, other methods have you tried to save your M? How has the last year been? The more details you give, the better we can all help you.

Yes, Neak is right. More details will bring the past into focus better and give clarity. You're seeking truth and a timeline so you can choose Vivi which way to go.

Also, for peace, if you can, is there any way you can take a vacation? A safe one, perhaps with your daughter?

That was one thing I did before I moved out (my ex was horrible). I needed to just get away from the trauma drama.
You're doing great. I would have a copy made of the tape btw. Give one to daughter and another in a safety dep box.

There was something similar I had in my possession, but it was from an actual trauma which sent the police to my home and me to the ER. The xray evidence from that was what my crazy ex wished to find (like hospitals don't have duplicates and also a medical record) but most WS aren't stupid and act on whims or emotions. My ex actually broke into my home and thought he "stole" the evidence. So I was glad I gave another copy to my sister, and the other was in a safety dep box, along with a 3rd copy I kept at my home, and was the one my x thought he had stolen (like I would have had only one copy).

Never underestimate the crazy of a ws after a telling day of exposure. It would seem he has ranskacked your home in search of that darn tape. Mainly right now, I'd be safe. It is a very serious situation he has gotten himself into, and he could be rather desperate. So be safe, focus on peace, and give yourself time and space to decide what road you wish to go down.

I also believe a plan B is needed quite soon. You need this right now.

I have to respectfully disagree. He's done. He's toast. Vivi has overwhelming evidence that exposes the affair. She doesn't need to withhold her evidence any longer. He doesn't know that and is continuing to play mind games with her. It is time to announce that it is GAME OVER.

His, and his POSOW's, manipulation and abuse of vivi is breathtaking. They need to be shut down now. They thinks they still has a chance to gaslight her. That is harmful to vivi.

I would, however, let him know that copies of the tape have been made and are in more than one place. Just to save the poor fool from all the effort he's going to want to make to get the original.

I would give a copy of the tape to OW's dad and WH's sister. I would tell them what is on the tape and it would be up to them to watch it or not. Then you don't need to tell WH because he would hear about the tape soon enough.

Remember to get that letter written to WH's workplace telling them that you have evidence of your WHs A.

Vivi, if you take ADs or not is completely up to you. I just wanted to let you know that you don't need to be ashamed about it. I don't know if HALF of us out here would be able to keep a straight head the way you have been. You are one tough cookie.

Agree, time to shut them down, but however she needs to keep a copy of the tape in case plan a to b moves to plan D.Or possibly for a r.o in case the posow won't back off.

Just saying to keep all evidence close by and able to be whipped out in a new york minute should she legally need it.