pdc, if she is committed and does nothing to back up that "committment" then those are empty words. I think that she feels hopeless and that is the problem. She needs HOPE in your marriage and I think that is something Steve Harley could give her in counseling. You don't need her involvement at first to get her on board with MB counseling. Those with a reluctant spouse usually speak to Steve alone first and he will tell you what to say to get her on the phone with him for the next session. He doesn't counsel couples in crisis together. He splits the hour between them.

She needs HOPE in your marriage and I think that is something Steve Harley could give her in counseling. You don't need her involvement at first to get her on board with MB counseling. Those with a reluctant spouse usually speak to Steve alone first and he will tell you what to say to get her on the phone with him for the next session.

I thought that while a person is in affair withdrawal they were not in a position to "work". I thought that it was appopriate to wait for them to be ready and get past that stage.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

I know that she was vulnerable and thought we were through and that she was in the home with this boy in an amotionally broken down condition.

I guess I have to evaluate whether or not I can come up with the fees.

It seems like it would be easier if it had been someone more our age. Maybe not.

"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.

Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings. "

It also troubles me how young this boy is. .

pdc, has your wife not told you the truth about why she moved out? She moved out to pursue an affair with the boy. This didn't just "happen" after she moved out. She was either in the affair before she moved out OR she moved out TO pursue it.

When a woman says she needs to "separate" to "get space" that means she already has someone else lined up. The affair was already active BEFORE.

She might be hiding this tidbit because a) he was under age and b) she wants to minimize the bad appearance by claiming that she "separated" and then met someone, feeling that being "separated" justifies it.

here

Actually I know that what you said above is not true. The affair started about 3 weeks after her moving in. She didn't even know the boy before she moved in. I KNOW this to be true.

The mother encouraged my wife to move in because of how unhappy she was. The boy had been away and got home a week after my wife was there. I know the family and the circumstances. It just isn't true. I'm not in denial on this. You'll have to trust this as a given.

Thanks for the explanation, pdc. I have never seen a WW move out when there wasn't an affair - in 10 years. I guess there is always a first time for everything.

There may have been another OM. It's not unknown for WWs to jump from one OM to the next in pursuit of their "fix".

The boy had been away and got home a week after my wife was there.

pdc, was this the first time she had ever met the boy?

Have you considered that she developed feelings for this boy before the affair started? If he did such a good job of meeting her EN's that he was able to start an affair doesn't it make sense that she was attracted to him before?

There wasn't the opportunity. There weren't conversations.