All, need some advice on how to deliver the letter to the OW ending the affair...although the other spouse kicked her out when I exposed, the kids and I saw her car at the house all day yesterday and last night. Trust me, the kids are all over it now.

My husband had agreed to do the letter, but now we don't know how to mail it to her with her back in the house next door. Plus, the police said "No Contact" which I think this would break that requirement.

He wants to let her know that the affair is over and he doesn't want any further contact on either of their parts. He said he is letting his phone ring at work long enough for caller ID to kick in so he can make sure it isn't her number. I applaud this effort. So, how do I get the point across to her (from him) without him having to talk with her?

He made a suggestion this morning that he contact one of her friends he has talked through before when he couldn't talk to the OW and let her pass this ending along. I don't really agree with this method as the friend may not tell her like it is.

Help!!

I would send the letter certified mail, signature required.

Can't you simply MAIL his letter to the OW? Whatever happens, it should be delivered in the form of a LETTER, not verbally. He should not talk to her scuzzy friend EVER.

What about handing it to other woman's husband to whom your husband should also apologize and commit to no contact with.

He'll share it with her...no doubt.

Mr. W

Live42day, may I suggest that you stick to a single thread? It is not necessary to start a new thread each time you have a new question; and moreover, it makes it easier for veteran readers to learn & follow your story & know where you're at & to offer pertinent advice for your benefit if your situation isn't spread out all over 4 or 5 different threads.

Well, the letter has not happened yet. OW does know through her husband that we are giving things another try and she needs to stay away and make no contact. The OWH talks with me frequently across the carport asking how I'm doing, etc. I know he is watching her closely and asks if I will let him know if I find anything. Kind of a weird relationship I'm not sure I'm comfortable with due to circumstances.
WH went to a counseling session today with our church. Discussions were touchy this morning between us b/c he was not looking forward to this session at all. He sent me a text telling me that it was a good honest conversation and that he has alot of thoughts/emotions he is dealing with but does feel better. He was to set up a counseling session for us both next...
WH is still not talking much. I gave him about a week with us to try and ground him with the family again. Then I've asked to sit down and talk...he stated he really doesn't want to talk about the past any longer, just the future (convenient for him). I can understand him wanting to just move forward, but I am being persistent that I still need answers. The final questions I have about the affair deal with location of encounters, location of walks in which park, etc. Things he didn't want to disclose the first time I found out, but since their the conversations continued, I think it is fair to know now. Then, I think I will be able to leave the past in the past...I think.
I know there is still an opportunity for both to correspond via email and phone through their work locations. I'm really trying hard this time to trust his promises that they are not talking since the second betrayal. He knows that one more strike and he loses his family.
Last thought, I did forgive them both this weekend as the bible commands. It was a decision that I made to try and start moving forward with healing. I know it will take some time to follow through, but I know it was the right thing to do.

Of course. You have to know all the details in order to move on.


The affair should not be brought up again. It is an enemy of good conversation. However, I predict you won't be moving on as long as you live next door. The affair will stay top of mind and you are facing an on again, off affair.


Trust is very ill-advised and foolhardy. It was too much trust that led to the affair in the first place. Don't TRUST, but ask him to prove to you there is no contact.

That being said, recovery is pretty much impossible while you live next door from them. You will all be perpetually triggered EVERY DAY that you can glance over next door and see the OW and the scene of the crime. You will die a death of a thousand cuts. It is like the rape victim living next to the rapist.


This is not any protection against a recurrance. He knew this was risk before and took it any way. You have to understand you are dealing with a powerful addiction. You are asking the alcoholic to sit in the bar and stare at the booze all day and not take a drink. You are placing your dependence on a will power that simply doesnt exist. If he had will power he wouldnt have done it in the first place. Eventually, the weak moment will collide with the opporunity and they will be sneaking off together.


The Bible also tells us to forgive with repentence. And the Bible does not exonerate us from having to pay our debts. Please read this from top to bottom: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Live42Day, this is what it will take to recover your marriage:

Requirements for Recovery

Affair fallout is uncomfortable. Please keep the lines of communication open with the BH. Unless he becomes a nut job, he is the best thing you have to ensure NC and to be another set of eyes and ears. Many BSs WISH they had a cooperative BS on the other side...don't close the door on him.

I think you are right. We are in a tough spot financially to sell or rent. They on the otherhand have had their house on the market for a few months. They can certainly afford to leave a house sitting for a while. I'm praying the OS will not be able to handle seeing my husband as much as I hate seeing her.
The advice from this site has been spot on so far. It has only been 2 months, but it seems like such little progress since the clock reset 19 Nov when I found out they had been talking still. The recording device in the office was my only option and it worked! It was incredibly hard to hear him ridicule me to her, but what I needed to ask him to leave. Now that exposure is done, I can tell he is in withdrawl, but he is trying to be normal for the family.
Should I not be soo expectant to talk about things past or future right now?

Well, again this morning BH asked how I was doing. I took this opportunity to tell him to call if he needed to talk. He did call and we talked for about 20 min. I reviewed how I was monitoring and asked how he was monitoring. Although we both know if they want to make contact with each other without our knoweldge they still could.
Good news, he is telling me that he will take a loss on their house and sell ASAP so he can get her away. He is still very angry of course and is denying all abuse that she suggested (another great call from this forum about the abuse being a lie). He really seems to not like her much calling her a habitual liar. I asked him not to let her know we talked, but not counting on it.
I do feel a bit guilty at the moment... My H went to counseling yesterday for the first time at church and is trying to keep things normal and happy at home. He really does seem to be trying to make changes. I guess if BH has a talk with his W she will immediately tell my H like she has done in the past and this whole happieness time could be at an end.
In the past 2 weeks I've mentioned to my H that the BH has talked to me. Wonder if I should tell him he did again today and asked more questions and that I answered them??
HATE the rollercoaster!!

What is your guilt from?


Yes, I would tell your H that you talked and that you plan on staying in contact for a while to ensure there is no contact IF HE ASKS. See if he asks. He needs to know you are watching from both ends.

If he does tell you he knows, then HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM because that means he is in contact with the OW. If your H is made "unhappy" by the fact that you are doublechecking him then that is his problem. You have an obligation to protect yourself.

yippee!!!

I think the guilt is from me talking with the BH openly and honestly. I shouldn't feel like I should protect my H any longer, but I still do. We are trying to build the trust thing back and me not telling him seems like I'm betraying the trust.

The problem is that he is untrustworthy so it will be up to you to take these extraordinary steps to ensure he is faithful. You are not betraying anything, you are erecting sane boundaries in your marriage that have been missing. Doublechecking an untrustworthy person is not untrustworthy; lying and cheating IS untrustworthy.

It will be the same with snooping. You will have to doublecheck him for eternity and he should never be told of your tactics. Rather than relying on trust, you should rely on boundaries. Your H should never be trusted.

I like that terminology. I am erecting boundries!

The snooping is kind of hard to do at this point b/c the only place they can talk now is at his/her work through phone and email conversations. I can't place a keystroke logger on his work computer and I can't take the recorder I used before because I'm sure he is looking around his office daily now. I'll just use the gut check method until another way presents itself. My kids have also taken it upon themselves to watch and ask questions on their own.

Just try to keep in mind that it is radical honesty, and not brutal honesty.

I struggle with the same issue. I keep trying to protect FWW, but she herself will tell me that it isn't fair to her.

Pot, meet kettle. She puts on a game face a lot to protect me.

Hello? Babe, knowing this hurt you, too... that's a good thing for me to know.

Just a reminder that radical honesty does not apply to snooping if you have EVER found evidence of an affair. Snooping should be kept secret for life..

So he finally said he wanted to set aside time to talk last evening. I'm happy about this because I've been waiting to ask a few questions and just start talking about what brought us to this point and what needs to happen to start making progress.
I will tell you that last week when I decided to give him 1 more try, we agreed that we both needed to be honest with each other to start building that trust back. I never told him that I tried to take out a loan to hire a lawyer and have not told him every detail about a few other things. So that sets up my earlier posting about feeling guilty about not being 100% honest with all details.

We had a good discussion up front, he answered the questions I needed to have answered about details of the affair. I've told him that I think now that I have all the details, I'm hoping I can put that behind me now and start working on us.

There were some heated moments in the conversation, he stayed calm, but I became agitated a few times. At the end he asked me about the loan and then the OWH's conversation with me. I told him that the OWH had called me at work and then I explained some of the conversation details. What I didn't tell him was the OWH had asked if he could talk to me that morning and that I had taken his number and texted him to call when he needed to. Instead of the OWH calling back on my cell, he called my work number and I had to call him back to be out of hearing in my office. My H changed the password and accessed the phone account to see if what I told him was true. He only saw that I had called the OWH. He also saw that I had added names to all of the phone numbers on his phone line so I could see who he was talking to.

I took great offense to this explaining that he has no reason not to trust me...I told him that he's the one who did this to us and I'm just protecting myself the only way I can. If I hadn't kept secrets, I would have never found out he was still talking to her before.

Am I wrong for being ticked off he says neither of us trusts each other? I know why I don't trust him and although he says he understands why I'm doing the things I'm doing, he says I haven't been completely upfront with him and to start over we have to build trust together.

The last thing I'll mention is that he told me it really frustrates him that I'm talking in a forum like this and makes him want to pull away. Although I explain it is completely secure (no names) and that you all have been there (both sides) and are only giving advice you've proven. I also said that to this point the advice has been spot on.

Hello all, I updated a post on 10 Dec with an updated conversation piece, but received no reply. The weekend only got more difficult after the discussion we had Thurs evening. He ended up drinking every night this weekend, but when I asked if he was unhappy again and drinking to make himself numb, he responded that he was fine. We normally do not drink unless we are doing so socially...and that is not frequent. Friday evening I went out to play pool and have a few drinks with him where he drank a pitcher and a few shots and I had 3 mixed drinks. Sat, we had our daughters boyfriend over for steaks and he had 2 drinks that night. Sunday evening he drank about 12 beers while watching the Cowboys game. This is not normal.

I told him that I feel like he is pulling away from me again. I notice the little things like if he tries to hold my hand at night or comes over to try and snuggle or if he says I love you before I do. Lately, everything seems almost forced and this reminds me all too much of the feelings I was getting when he was lying to me saying he had not been in contact with her. The gut feeling is back, but I have no way to confirm it. I cannot get back into his office to tape him again. We made the agreement that we wouldn't hurt each other further that if something went wrong we would respect each other enough to call it "over" on a good note for the sake of our children.

I keep analyzing everything he says and does in thought that he is biding time right now for the children and for our monetary situation. Together we are fine with money/bills, apart, it would be very difficult.

I just don't know what to do or feel right now. I am more and more feeling like I just don't have the energy to keep trying. I just don't see enough progress on his part...and I don't think my expectactions are too high even though he tends to think so.

Thanks for any advice