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Actually I think your friend is correct. Why would she say there are rumors of her sleeping around? She said this to disturb you and push your away. I think it was very telling that she said that there is no one here worth losing her career over to sleep with. The message is pretty clear that if there was someone who she was really interested in she would think about it. In addition, the message also indicates that if her job was not in jeopardy she would clearly have no problem sleeping with other men. Maybe you should start looking at your wife as who she is rather than what you wish her to be. I wish you luck.
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Actually I think your friend is correct. Why would she say there are rumors of her sleeping around? She said this to disturb you and push your away. I think it was very telling that she said that there is no one here worth losing her career over to sleep with. The message is pretty clear that if there was someone who she was really interested in she would think about it. In addition, the message also indicates that if her job was not in jeopardy she would clearly have no problem sleeping with other men. Maybe you should start looking at your wife as who she is rather than what you wish her to be. I wish you luck. I have no idea what message your wife is attempting to send. Maybe there are rumors going around that aren't true...maybe they are true. You can't know...you're a million miles away. I only quote BryanP to tell you that he doesn't know either and to let you know that he (ByranP) is our resident "all wayward wives are worthless" gang and really shouldn't be listened to if saving your marriage is what you are here seeking advice for. Attempting to save a marriage is a noble endeavor. You may not succeed but at least if you do end up divorced you'll know you lived up to your vows and did all you could to save it. You'll be able to move forward without regrets. ByranP has regrets. As I recall, he's been divorced from a wayward wife for MANY MANY years but still harboring much ill will. I have sympathy for the guy....but he ticks me off when he makes cameo appearances trying to crush betrayed husband's hopes with such misstatements and illogical inferences. Your wife's statement that no guy there is worth her career IS NOT a clear indication that if there were some amazing guy there that was somehow worth it...she'd sleep with him. The negative statement does not imply the positive. That is just such twisted logic even for you BryanP. Good luck and don't let BryanP's statements discourage you. Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Hmm.
My friend that said that, is also the friend that divorced his wife as soon as he found out she had an affair. He thinks I'm crazy for trying to save it, so its interesting that you say that about Bryanp. Both of them probably think the same. This is also why I said "I don't know if I buy that"
What do the rest of y'all think?
I am about 50/50 on the topic.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
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Hello again Woot,
I believe I need to defend my comments from Mr. Wondering. I think it is very sad that he gets offended if I attempt to put a different perspective on things and then proceeds to engage in personal mudslinging.
I think you can try to attempt recovery knowing that you tried everything. I have no problem with that. You mentioned comments that she made to you about rumors spreading around that she is sleeping with other men. This would not be a problem except that she has engaged in this type of behavior in this situation previously. What type of message is this? Who knows for sure but it is certainly difficult to put a positive spin on this.
The other comment that you mentioned she sent to you was that there was not any interesting men around that she would sleep with to put her career at risk. By logical extension would it not be reasonable to assume if an interesting man was around and if her job would not be at risk then she would certainly consider it? According to Mr. Wondering this is twisted logic? Again it seems difficult to put a positive spin on this.
My take from reading your posts is that she is trying to push your buttons and in some way this would be some sort of justification for her previous behavior. I am just saying that it is important to be aware of various motives for messages she is sending you. I assume that this does not fit with the dogmatism of Mr. Wondering who apprently gets upset with alternative viewpoints.
I wish you luck in your endeavor and know that you did everything possible in your power to fix this but it certainly cannot be accomplished unless both partners are willing and able to engage in restoring the marriage.
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Two days ago when we I asked her how her day was going, she told me that multiple people were starting rumors about her sleeping with guys there. She explained both of the rumors, and said they aren't true. To quote her "Noone here is worth losing my career over." As we're talking about a WW here, I suspect that there actually might be some truth to the rumours and she's trying to gaslight you. Ask her if she knows who is spreading the "rumours".
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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She knows who is spreading the rumor, and claimed that its because she isn't part of the cliques that are spreading it.
She said one of the rumors got started when she was outside of some guys room, getting some rope to make bracelets. Someone saw her outside and assumed. Then when asked the guy said yea they had slept together. So thats one rumor.
The second is she was hanging out with her supervisor all day long, and it was started about him.
I'll quote her later when I can get my phone and type up the conversation.
I really don't know why she would tell me this though.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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What do I make of this? Why would she tell me this? I wasn't prying if she is with anyone, in fact I haven't talked about our relationship in a really long time. Why would she tell me people are starting rumors about her sleeping with guys? I asked one of my friends, and he said "to push you away." I don't know if I buy that, so I seek the advice y'all offer. People generally take the initiative to give an unsolicited excuse or story when someone is about to blow the whistle on them. Or when they have had warning that a spouse is going to expose; one of the big reasons why it is recommended to never warn someone before exposure, gives them time to make up a cover story.
The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Woot, see my post above. To add to it, a lot of the stories a WS will tell their BS just don't make any sense at all but they think that you'll believe it. Think about it logically - does what you just wrote actually make sense to you? That she'd tell you about rumors being circulated among people you don't know, or have contact with, out of her own volition? Why would she even want to broach the subject?
As far as who to listen to as far as advice, or is anyone more "right" than others, everyone on the boards has had their own experiences. Some are really unique, and others are your basic standard no-frills spouse cheats on spouse experience, so you can really run the gamut of both emotions, opinions, and advice. But while we can tell you what music would be great to dance to, at the end of the night, it's YOU that gets to pay the band. So make your own decisions and choices - if you feel that your marriage is salvageable and want to put forth the effort, well, by all means drive on. For example, my own personal prejudice is not being able to comprehend a guy that would accept an OC (extending towards incredulity when it's their firstborn) but there are intelligent, competent adults here who have done just that and seem very happy with their decisions and who would look at me with incomprehension about why I would react the way that I do. So it is up to the BS to decide what he/she is willing to forgive or work past. In that I think MR Wondering has a point, once a BS has made the decision about what course he/she will take, the advice given should be about how to best accomplish the stated goal rather than to try to convince them to avert from it.
The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Well let me propose this question: Whether she is telling me about the rumors in case I heard about them, or they are actually true, does it change what I should be doing?
It would be nice to think she is actually being faithful, but....
God, I don't know what to think.
This is so f@cking frustrating because I don't know whats going on.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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Think about it logically - does what you just wrote actually make sense to you? That she'd tell you about rumors being circulated among people you don't know, or have contact with, out of her own volition? Why would she even want to broach the subject? That is where my confusion stems from. My first instinct is that it might make its way back to me. Even in the conversation that I will type up later, you will see that I said "Thanks for letting me know in case I hear about it." Well my confusion comes from the fact that she is pretty much acting like she doesn't care about me, I haven't gotten an email from her, or a phone call, or anything other than one or two sentences here and there. So if she truly didn't care about the relationship, why would she try to control the damage? She very well might be sleeping with every guy that has two legs, that is an unknown to me. But if she wants the relationship to really end, why would she say these are some rumors and they aren't true? So it is up to the BS to decide what he/she is willing to forgive or work past. In that I think MR Wondering has a point, once a BS has made the decision about what course he/she will take, the advice given should be about how to best accomplish the stated goal rather than to try to convince them to avert from it. Thanks for that one, I do want to save it. I don't think she does. So how do I convince her its worth saving. This is something that is all sorts of wrong, and I know its a horrible thought. You don't need to tell me that I'm wrong to think this, I know, and I know all the reasons why you're right in saying so. But I'm sharing what I actually think and feel, so here goes: In 99% of the examples I read about, there are kids involved. We don't have any, and I almost wish we did so that there is something to anchor her to "home" or the relationship. Because right now, I feel like she won't really lose much by leaving, and I feel she thinks the same.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
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But if she wants the relationship to really end, why would she say these are some rumors and they aren't true? She's concerned about her "reputation".
ManInMotion
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I'm pondering asking her tonight why she told me.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
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her me
Hey good morning.
morning
Mwah! I got your package
today, and I love the book
cool
Anything interesting happening
at work?
other than rumors being started
about me...not really
What rumors?
that i was sneaking into guys
rooms
two seperate rumors got started
at the same time by several
different ppl
And what would give them
reason to start those?
one was i went to get some 550
cord from one of my friends b/c
i've been making bracelets w/ it
and someone saw me stanting
outside of his room so they
asked him if he'd slept w/ me
and he said yes b/c he thought it
would be funny to mess w/ the
guy who asked him
****SMALL BREAK****
sry i think i closed out our convo
someone came over to talk to
me...
Mmm
but neway
I only hang out w/ a few ppl
because most people here are
just stupid
and because i only hang out w/
certain ppl everyone else started
talking about me
I know what that's like
Well, not the talking about me
part, since I'm not a girl.
i don't really care if they have
their little cliques or drama
but when they started talking
about ME
that's when i got upset
Julie, I'll just ask you directly.
Have you done anything like that
there? Like had sex, bj, or even
made out with a guy?
no
there's absolutely no one here
worth risking my career over
Alright, and if it means
something to you, I trust you
when you say that.
Thanks for telling me about the
rumors, and quelling it in case I
heard something.
Well what I do know about
cliques and drama, is if it visibly
affects you. Then it will just
continue.
yeah i know
I'm sure it's gotta be frustrating
thought, because I imagine
you're just ther elike "leave me
the f alone. What did I do to
you."
How'd the second one get started?
p much
Yea, that would piss me off.
oh - i hung out w/ my supervisor
ONCE outside of work and we
get along pretty well at work so
someone said they saw me
coming out of his room after we
hung out that one time... i mean
[censored], we went over and spent the
day w/ lucas at his camp and
that was it...
So dumb...
How is Lucas btw?
so if anyone wants to start [censored] -
i have an LT. witness that was w/
us all day
he's good
neway i gotta get back to work
i have a lot of [censored] to do
Alright, come chat later :)
I've got loads to tell ya
But I love you. Mwah!
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
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That is probably the most I've heard from her in a month.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
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Okay, My first thought on it is that it IS gaslighting in case you hear anything, but that could be clouded by the fact that my WH did that to me MONTHS in advance of a call from work. He used to say, "The women at work say they are going to tell you what I am saying at work. I told them to go ahead because you know EVERYTHING anyways." Months later, I got the call about the EA and was gaslighted for the next 2 years while it turned PA and eventually was told he was going to leave us. As to WHY she would be doing this, who knows? Trying to figure out what waywards are thinking is crazy making.
Now, to answer your question earlier(I didn't see it until now). I would recommend you go to plan B a couple of months after her return as a possible time. You don't want your Plan A to turn into a PLan Doormat. You will become her "friend" and then it will be over for you. By that I mean that you will not want her back. I know it doesn't seem possible right now, because you love her so much. But there WILL come a time, with continued abuse and no LB deposits from her that you will want to move on. That would be fine, it just wouldn't be the goal you have right now. Hope I made sense, I am extremely tired but I didn't want to leave you hanging.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Ok, what is this gaslighting? I'm looking on wikipedia and such and I don't seem to understand it completely, or how she is using it here.
Should I ask her why she told me this?
What should my current actions be?
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
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Again, thinking logically, if YOU were the WS and you have already been caught cheating, would you ever want to bring up even the possibility of it happening again with your BS? I would think that would be the last topic on earth you would voluntarily bring up. So why does she do it? As your friend said - trying to push you away? Easier for her to say your marriage is over. I think she told you that because she is either in trouble with her chain of command and could be facing an Article 15 or worse for adultery/fraternization (or perhaps her supervisor is)and is afraid you'd find out; or someone threatened to drop a dime on her to you and she is doing some pre-emptive damage control. Either way, it's not going to be productive asking her if she's cheating because you're not going to get the truth from a WW. Gaslighting is being strung along by a lying WS that doesn't want a divorce but doesn't want to stop cheating.
Either way, what are your options? You said you want to try to save your marriage, so you should continue to follow the program here and hope that there will still be enough left to save when she returns from deployment. I would continue to write your letters as you have been doing. After a while you can reassess your situation and decide whether to continue or not. You know it's going to be hard to do a Plan A from a distance and even harder when you believe your wife isn't being exactly receptive to your overtures. From a practical standpoint, it's not costing you money, and while she's deployed you can really do much anyway, so you're in kind of a holding action until she comes back. Maintain that contact even if she doesn't initiate reciprocally, it may bring about a change or it may not, but you might as well try, right?
The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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I'm in a state of almost rage right now.
I can feel myself giving up.
This feeling that I get of her not caring at all about me is devastating. I'm trying so damn hard and I get nothing.
Actually thats a lie, I get slaps in the face.
With her telling me about these "rumors." And I saw today that she has her own bank acct now, so its hidden from me.
I have been trying to chat with her every night, but it seems almost like a formatlity. All she does is say "i'm good. ohh look, I have to work."
I post stuff on FB hoping that she will see it and say at least something. She comments on all her friends stuff, but not me. I'm ignored, completely.
She calls her mom, every week. I've sent her $80 in phone cards, and gotten nothing. Her mom doesn't want to bring us up because she is scared. Seems like noone does.
I can't take this. She gets to run around and act like everything is fine, doing whatever she wants, probably hooking up with several different people, and its driving me f@cking insane.
Me: 24 WW: 25 Married: April 13th 2007 Kids: None OM1: Discovered 7 Jan 2011 / OM2: Discovered Aug 2010 Wife is currently deployed to Afghanistan.
Summary of my story
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It must be Taker night. A LOT of us out here seem to be feeling this way. It's not called a roller coaster ride for nothing. Do something for YOU. Go for a walk/run. I used to drive to a secluded place and YELL at my WH, of course he was at home watching the kids, but I got to say all of the things that my Taker was begging to say. I also really LOVE LOUD angry music and I would drive with the music BLARING and YELLING the lyrics with tears streaming down my face. You have to do things to let that anger out.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I'm in a state of almost rage right now.
I can feel myself giving up.
This feeling that I get of her not caring at all about me is devastating. I'm trying so damn hard and I get nothing.
Actually thats a lie, I get slaps in the face.
With her telling me about these "rumors." And I saw today that she has her own bank acct now, so its hidden from me.
I have been trying to chat with her every night, but it seems almost like a formatlity. All she does is say "i'm good. ohh look, I have to work."
I post stuff on FB hoping that she will see it and say at least something. She comments on all her friends stuff, but not me. I'm ignored, completely.
She calls her mom, every week. I've sent her $80 in phone cards, and gotten nothing. Her mom doesn't want to bring us up because she is scared. Seems like noone does.
I can't take this. She gets to run around and act like everything is fine, doing whatever she wants, probably hooking up with several different people, and its driving me f@cking insane. Woot, I turn to your thread on a daily basis because you give me hope when my taker is taking over because your wife is deployed like my husband is deployed. You probably do not know this but you have been an inspiration to me while I am going through the same things. I called Dr. Harley and Joyce on the radio show and they gave me some fantastic advice. If you have the chance I would send her an email. Good luck to you Woot. I hope your day will be better today.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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