WOOT,

Another blow yes, but even more so another piece of the puzzle you have to assemble. There is no way this knowledge could remain hidden if you are to have any hope of recovering your marriage.

Polygraph 100%.

God Bless
Gamma

I came back from lunch really distraught, and my commander got wind of what happened. So I made an official statement about the whole situation. This statement will be going along with a letter from my own commander to both Julie's deployed and home station commanders. As well as the commander of the Army guy.

What they choose to do with the information I have no control over, and I most likely won't hear back from it.

Woot,

Good for you. There are consequences for what she has done, some of them won't show up for years. As for you, pick up your life, and make it a good one. You don't know how this will turn out, but you control how YOU turn out. Work on that.

God Bless,

JL

I've reached a new stage. With her being gone, not talking to me, and then with the guy today I think my "love bank" is empty.

Yet at the same time, I know how amazing it felt to be in love with her. I still think we can rebuild it. So I think right now its my commitment to marriage that is keeping me going forward. For better, or worse....

It sounds sadistic, but there is defiantly a part of me that really wants her to get in trouble for what shes done. In talking with people today, something I said was "There is absolutely no consequence for what she is doing." and I think its pretty much true. I'm sitting here, still wanting to save the marriage. She could be out sleeping with whomever she wants, and as far as she knows I'll still be there. No one will stand up to her, so what does she have to lose?

(I do have dates set, for Plan B and more, those I'm looking at adjusting closer, I know I cannot always be there for her if she continues)

Woot,

Don't wait until your love bank is empty before going to plan B. Harley has said many times the biggest mistake people make is waiting too long to go to plan B. It is to protect you and your love for your W. If you lose that, recovery is really not going to happen.

God Bless,

JL

I think when I wrote the above I was pretty emotionally hurt and I was at a low point, because right now I'm in love and want to make it work. Its weird.

Yesterday I didn't send the daily email, and last night she got online and started a conversation with me. We chatted for about an hour, and it went pretty well in my humble opinion.

Roller coasters suck.

On another note, trying to let my giver act in full effect I was thinking of writing to my wife and say something along the lines of "I'd like to file our taxes married jointly, and then let you have the refund to put towards a car for you"

She doesn't have a car, and only a motorcycle as a means of transportation and a source of conflict last year was how our refund ended up being spent. Her Mom said to me a few months ago that Julie really wanted to get a car, so I think this would be a very giver thing to do.

Thoughts? I don't really care about the money, I'd rather have my marriage.

I would not give her the money I would put it in savings for a ''just in case'' account such as...

Divorce
Or children

I would not finance her affair, being nice won't keep her in the marriage now fighting for her and standing up to ur marriage vows and exposing will save ur marriage. Being the nice guy never works trust me, my husband tried it....it didn't work it was the exposure and fighting for the marriage that saved it.

Well then what is fighting for the marriage?

exposing the affairs on both sides
Protect the kids
Removing the third person from the marriage
Creating hell for the affair partners to be with each other

Not fighting for a marriage...

Giving ur wife everything
Not exposing
Not demanding nc
Pretending everything is fine and hoping it will go away

Its exposed.
No kids.
She's deployed so I can't be around to make sure other people aren't with her.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Just plan a her but don't giver money knowing she is in an affair! I do t think I read anything about buying a car as a need.

Lol, fair enough.
I guess I'm taking "meet her needs" as do everything I can to make her happy. Thats a bad interpretation?

Alright well here is I an idea I just got!
We both love to ride motorcycles, and have both wanted to do a trackday for a long time. A trackday is taking your personal motorcycle on a road racing track in a safe controled manner. The local track day org has a two day weekend booked for the 23-24th of April. Its $250 to participate in for both days, and we get tons of instruction. So I would pay $500 for both of us, to spend two days riding together all day long on a race track. Then Saturday night, we camp there using the camping gear I just bought us, wake up and ride some more!

I think this would be a much better use of my tax refund, rather than just giving it to her for a car. Its awesome quality time together (her primary emotional need), and I can present it to her on our 4yr annerversary. (April 13th)

Thoughts? I'm so excited I can hardly sit still, lol.

Sounds good.

The do everything to make her happy is plan doormat. It lets the WW know that you are there even if she is having an affair. It rewards her when she is doing something so very very wrong. What you need to do is try to identify what her top needs are and go for those. Make a list here so we can help.

Open up some one on one time each day to meet those needs.

Your 2 day closed course bike ride will take care of any recreational need. Is recreation one of her top needs? This will surely fill her needs but try for the bigger deposits when possible. Perhaps she likes affection (kissing hugging touching) and doing that will give larger deposits than this ride.

Needs also need to be met everyday for a couple of hours. Don't throw all of your eggs into this 2 day trip and expect everything to be peachy keen. Do something to meet her needs each day. So do something today, tomorrow, the day after that etc. Waiting until April 13th for one big meet your need day is not a bad idea, but you have to fill in all the days between now and then.

I still like the idea, who wouldn't like to do that? I think you should still plan on doing that and dont let me discourage you. I think you are grasping the carrot of polan A.

Now with the stick. This is something that you have to control also. This is done through exposure, letting family and friends rise all chaos around her, and causing as much strife between WW and OM.

Ultimatley the stick, which are consequences outside of WW control, should drive her to the carrot, which chould be you. This is very frusterating because you just can talk and convince the WW to do what is right.

It's even more frustrating because I can't really talk, or meet many of her needs while she is in Afghanistan.

I think her most important needs are as follows in order:

Recreational Companionship
Sexual fulfillment
Admiration
Affection
Conversation

I'm not basing this off my own needs, I'm basing it off of what SHE seems to have made the priority our entire relationship.

Only two that I can try to meet right now are admiration and affection, conversation requires her to be online. Rec companionship and sex we just cannot do due to her deployment. Those two can easily be met by any guy she meets out there.

Woot, any needs can be met by someone else if the spouse does not make the effort. Doesn't matter if there is geographical distance or not if the effort is not there. Her being in Afghanistan just makes it more difficult.

Writing emails and keeping in touch will still go a long way to keeping her mind and focus on you, just as sending her things to keep her mind occupied such as books, music or movies will. The dollar amount is not as significant as is your sustained effort, so easy to just give up, so much harder to keep plugging away even when the odds are against you. But that is what this site is all about, plugging away when you think everything is stacked against you.

Keeping focused on what you can do in the here and now, in other words, short term tactics, is just as important as your long term strategies.

Alright, so in each email I need to try to hit at least 3 of those emotional needs. Then packages I need to do the same, but overall I need to cover all of them. Sexual fulfillment, hmm.. How can I cover that one? Victoria's Secret catalog and circle things I think she'd look sexy in? I don't know, I'm stuck on this one.

Here is another question, as I wrote above I recently found out she had indeed had another affair. Do I keep this knowledge to myself so that down the road if she decides to say "alright lets work on it." and we go to counseling, I'll know if she's lying when she says she only had the one?

Or do I let her and everyone else know that I know about another affair. Establishing a pattern.

If so, how do I break that news, while keeping the tone of "I just want to work on our marriage."

Ooo...that is a toughy because more than likely if you confront her she will lie and deny, thats what WS do. You will get no satisfaction from trying to get the truth out of her.

If it were me, I would tell her that I do know about her previous affair with so and so, and I would weigh it in on my descision if I wanted to stick around or not. Whatever I decide on (to work it out or divorce) I would expose the previous affair just like the current one. You must Expose it, otherwise it will eat you up inside.

If you hold in this knowlege then it can become resentment in the future when you are trying to work things out.

It all depends on you and how you are able to handle the fact that she has cheated at least twice.