Look, I'll do that when everybody stops trying to justify her failures based on my alleged failures.

This works both ways.

It seems like I could say the same thing. I don't think she's deliberately trying to piss me off by leaving all these things for me to do.


I'm not hers either, right?

Piled high or scrubbed clean, neither one seems to be getting us to follow the policy of undivided attention.

When you locked yourself in your room, you did leave her alone with all the "chores." Those being 6 demanding children. Maybe there were no specific household chores but you know being alone with children is work....
"Can I have a drink?"
"He hit me."
"I'm hungry/bored/tired/cold/hot. Fix it."
"I can't button/snap/tie/zip."
"I need to go potty."
"What does this word say?"
"Can you play with me?"
"I need a hug."
"The computer/TV/game system/microwave won't work."

As for selfish demands...maybe she is making them but you will have to stop agreeing to them and then changing your mind. Once again, can you see how she doesn't get that luxury?

For instance....my DH mows the lawn. If he runs out of gas in the middle of it, he will come inside and inform me that he is out of gas and needs to get some. He will then proceed to leave and get the gas.

If I am making dinner and run out of something, I need to get kids ready to move, with coats and shoes on, strap them into the car, deal with moaning and groaning and run to the store.

That is why he "forgets" things or doesn't always follow through because he can just follow up the next day...a couple minute stop with little repercussions...I have to revamp my whole day.

Why didn't you call about the fridge when you said you would? Why did you say you would?

markos,

what has happened after the kids are in bed these last two weeks?

Have you been going to separate rooms because you are not speaking to each other?

Have you been catching up on chores?

Actually, you mentioned the lack of washing machine. How long will this situation last?

In Britain, we can leave the washing at the launderette and ask them to do it, for a fee. Could you drive three bags of washing there on your way to work and pick them up on the way home?

If it's too early when you leave, can Prisca squeeze the drop off in to her day, and you do the pick up?

If not, can you drop a load in the evenings and leave it there, and pick up the clean load from the day before? Less time spent at the laundry for you.

Can you shop for groceries (and delivery) online, cutting out your need to shop during the day?

How does one with 6 kids, one of them being a newborn expect or demand UA, anyway? Do you have a regular sitter?

I have a family of 6 that ALL use plates/bowls/cups, etc... and it never takes more than 6-7 minutes to complete the dishes. Do you have a dishwasher? I hope you have a dishwasher!

I am not saying you are hers, but your posts smells of punishment, was my point.

If she had requested help with the children at that point, I would have provided it.


You're missing one of the key things that I am saying: I have been learning all year to grant her that luxury, and Dr. Harley told me personally that I need to grant her the right to change her mind.


At this point I don't know specifically, and I don't know if she wants me to call about it or not. She wanted me to wait for a long time.

If my H has to ask me if I need help with the kids, it is a huge LB. Just do it. They are not mine alone and I believe he had a hand in making them.

She shouldn't have to ask you for help with your children.

I ask my mother for help, I ask an older child for help with a younger child, I ask a neighbor or friend for help.

YOU should be right there with her at their beck and call unless you mutually agree there is someplace else you need to be....work, the grocery store whatever.

If a friend were at your home would you just disappear and leave him with your children without asking him first if it was okay and having a good reason for leaving?

No, we don't have a dishwasher. I said that above, though it'd be easy to miss something in all this.

Then I want that to work the other way around.

You're right. We should consign ourselves to a marriage that sucks. Nobody could ever find fifteen whole hours together when they have more than two kids.

Then Prisca needs to not abandon her share, either.

I am looking for some principles that work both ways.

Sounds like you are not in a space to do anything but put it on your wife, so maybe you should take a breather and try again tomorrow.

We don't have those laundry options in the U.S., at least not in our small town.

We'll have a washer as soon as we can sit down and plan where our money is going for the next thirty days or so.

I haven't been going to a separate room; I've been waiting in the living room where we typically have our UA time when we are home.

Have you ever taken into consideration the toll having a newborn has on a mother? It is emotionally and physically taxing in way that the father does not go through. Or are you gung-ho, everything needs to be 50/50 right out of the gate?

And it sounds like most of the advice here is that I should just accept things as they are.

So in practical terms, you are advising me to accept that we won't be doing what we need to do for our marriage. How long would you advise me to accept this?

Interesting. Like my H when he deflects, he answers questions with questions, not answers.