I know I haven't posted for awhile but I thought I should tell you what I do when my BS spirals.

First if he would try to leave to his step moms I would say ok i will get a bag and go with you.Especially since the kids are already gone!!!!

Second if he wanted to sleep on the couch I would make a bed on the floor.

Third when he refuses to talk or look at me I just make sure he knows I'm there even if its just being in the same room as him.

My point is the last thing he needs is space.He will push and pull from you you just need to be there. When my BS starts down his dark hole I grab his ankles and hold on tight!!! NEVER LET GO !!!!

He wants you to fight for him and every time he pushes you fold. You need to start fighting back by just being there. Stop worrying about whats not happening and focus on what is.

He loves you other wise he would be gone. You need to prove to him that your not going anywhere. And that's what I tell my H everyday I thank him for staying and tell him my goal in life is to SHOW him everyday how much I love him.

This is just my opinion. Ive only been in true recovery for 6 months and believe me is not all sunshine and rainbow's but I made the dark storm that's above us and its my job to help it pass.

Thanks, HHH and NGB...I know recovery is not all sunshine and rainbows, as you put it NGB, but the two of you seem to be working so hard at it, and most importantly, working together, I can't help but believe that you're going to make your M work.

So this morning after having my blood drawn (yuck) I went and picked up doughnuts and took to H and his stepmom for breakfast. Last night I worked on printing up a nice copy of the poem I'd read at H's dad's funeral to take to his stepmom. When I got there H basically stayed in the back room with the TV, came out to smoke and went back in. I took him a doughnut which he refused, so I sat there on the couch with him and told him again that I loved him, that I was willing to do whatever he needed me to do, that I wasn't giving up on him and I wasn't going away.

I hated that I was already late for work and I had to leave. Sort of resenting the job lately as there are more important things I need to be doing. By the same token I can't keep skipping out on work with the state budget cuts looming and them looking for nonessential personnel to cut. I'm actually worried about my job...it would just be icing on a rancid cake for me to lose my job right now.

Good idea of just making a bed on the floor next to the couch. Although I can envision me chasing him from couch downstairs to couch upstairs with one of the girls' sleeping bags in hand.

We're also coming up on the anniversary of DDay #2, so I am scared (yeah, y'all aren't suprised to hear me talking about being afraid of stuff, I know) things are going to get worse before - IF - they ever get better.

What gets so confusing sometimes is the disconnect between the different advice I get. I'm trying so hard to follow the principles of MB and the advice I get here. Then I talk to my mother, and she tells me the opposite, that I should pull away and back off. She gets frustrated with me when I don't (she called me this morning as I was headed back to work and seemed frustrated with me when I told her about me making the doughnut delivery). When I was on the radio show, Joyce said if I needed to vent, to vent to girlfriends...but that's the thing - if I confide in any of my girlfriends or my parents, folks that know the whole story, they are at a loss to give me any constructive advice. And venting - or, more specifically, listening to it, gets old. And "venting" makes it sound like I'm angry, but lately I'm not. Yeah, I came across as angry about my b-day but it was hurt more than anything else. Funny thing is, that happening and me dealing with that - admittedly not very well - helped me to deal with Christmas, if that makes sense. Lately it is not anger that comes out, but hopelessness, and Mom was probably frustrated with me today because I'd called her in tears last night when I was alone. It's kind of sweet/funny, bless her heart, she asked if I wanted to come stay with her or she would come stay with me.

I've finished the Respect Dare (40 days over 8 weeks) and my last assignment was to write about the changes I'd seen in myself. I don't know that I have changed in the last 8 weeks. I had thought about doing the Love Dare again, maybe just keep alternating the two Dares back and forth to give me an activity each day to focus on...it got me thinking about the Christian counselor H and I had been going to earlier this year. At that time I had started doing the Love Dare again and he couldn't understand why I was doing it. That it wouldn't "make" H fall in love with me, it wouldn't "make" me more loveable.

But, really, both the respect and love dares are not about expectations for other people. They are about changing you - your heart, your faith, your mindset.

I was advised to back of FWW at first.

This was when I was getting the MLC/ILYBINILWY schtick from her.

I only did to a degree. She had 1 "girl's night out" in which she gave me all the evidence I needed to know it was bovine excrement on the phone record, and the second weekend (which was with a friend of hers I treasure due to her advice and support to FWW) taught me that I could leave her, and that I would be fine-tastic. And then I told her that I could leave, AND be happy.

Next month is the anniversary of the A, here WPG. I'm not looking forward to it.

It went physical the day before her Bday - and I don't know how I'm going to hold it together. I've been slowly falling apart for the last week.

Same as you, she lied for months. Same as your H, I turned my charm up to "11."

It took a month after full disclosure for the shock and denial to fade - and that's when I ended up here. Sometimes, I think it's gotten worse.

However, if I'm going to get through this he77, at some point I'll have to pass through the hottest flames, right?

FIGHT, damnit, FIGHT!

If you need to vent you're welcome to call or email me (stefffic at gmail dot com).

Keep it together, buddy...you have told me you and your FWW and rooting for us...well, dangit, I am rooting for you guys too! I am glad you have an outlet here to post. I wish my H would use it, but he seems to have abandoned the forum. I'm not sure if he even reads anymore - and even though I read here - a LOT - sometimes others' situations are hard to read, KWIM?



I'm trying. I went to bed a total wreck last night but this was a new morning...that sounds sooo much more optimistic than I really feel.

Hopeful, thank you for the offer of an ear to vent to - watch out, I may take you up on that!

Wish I could do more for your BH... I do know where the dude is. But it's been her, not me, that's been keeping things together.

If I had it my way, I'd go find a hole to crawl into... either that, or GTFO and get on living.

Just kind of giving her the opportunity to toss that rice, you know?

He's not coming home again. Texted me and said I would have to p/u the girls, b/c he was going to stay at his stepmom's and go to the courthouse w/her in the morning to file the death certificate.

OK, I said, would you like me to bring you anything, that I'd be glad to run by the house.

H: work laptop and clothes.

Me: OK, anything else? can I bring you guys dinner?

H: no

This. Hurts.

Sounds like he's just trying to be there for the stepmom right now. Seems like he's grieving still too.

Might want to be supportive, as it looks like you have been. Sometimes it take a copule of weeks for the grief to set in and I know for most men (me included)- we bottle it up inside until it finally explodes.

YUP!

But it ain't Chit.... Compared to what our spouse has been through.....


Keep working your plan and stop playing the coulda, shoulda, woulda tapes in your head and keep focused on what's in front of you. The rear view mirror ain't part of a good plan. OK!

WPG,

Since DDay2 was 1-7-2010, you would still have 1 year of recovery under the best of circumstances. So lighten up you can't force his pace.

Did OMW ever get back to you?

God Bless
Gamma

I agree he's grieving...I think (don't want to make a DJ here, wouldn't say it to him b/c I think it would be a DJ, but nonetheless here's what I think) some of this is because he's feeling guilt over not spending a lot of time with his dad. His relationships with his family were nothing like mine, he always seemed to keep himself isolated from them. Maybe - maybe - he regrets not being closer to his dad.

I took his clothes and laptop over as he requested. Had a photo album here at the house and I'd made him copies of all the pics I scanned and had printed for the funeral, so I put them in the album and slipped it in the bag, with a note saying basically to take the time he needs, and I'll be home waiting for him. That I believe in him and I'm never giving up.

Of course usually when I say that I'm never giving up, he points out that I already did.

I won't stay away from his stepmom's, of course. If he elects to stay there, I'll see him when I bring the girls over this weekend and he can choose to engage with us or not. He was affectionate with the girls tonight when we stopped by but like this morning refused to acknowledge me in any way, even if I spoke directly to him, save to give me his bag of dirty clothes.

I was thisclose to telling his mom the whole story tonight when I stopped to pick up the girls, but it just wasn't a good time. Maybe it is his choice to tell his family or not (only his aunt knows now) but I am tired of carrying this around and think it will help to explain a lot of what the family sees in the current dynamic between me & H. But both his parents had A's, too, and his mom is currently married to her A partner from years ago (no clue whether the A ended and rekindled after his parents divorced or just went underground). Which is part of the reason why he has not wanted to tell them, and makes me wonder if telling her is a good or bad thing to do.

I agree, tst, I have to call a stop to the coulda/woulda/shoulda's and start to move forward myself. I suppose it is natural to have so much regret when you are the one responsible for the destruction.


I haven't heard a word, either from her or OM. The email didn't come back as undeliverable so as far as I know it was a legit address (and was her workplace - I got the address from their website) - she may not have gone back to work yet is all I can figure, and can't or doesn't check email from home. Although I didn't get one of those "out of office" autoresponders either. I don't know if I should give it more time to see if she responds, or try to make contact another way. I know she is - or was - on FB, but I deleted my account after DDay #1. Avoiding FB is one of my EP's. I can't imagine getting that kind of email and not responding, unless as Joyce said when I was on the show she was "responding to her H." And if so, he's probably filled her full of lies.

I said this a few times. I still think it every time.

"You already gave up, and FOR WHAT?"

It doesn't destroy the statement, but it has to be the ACTION over and over again - from now until the end of time.

Her word is meaningless, her word was "through better or worse, through sickness and health, forsaking all others, until death do us part," not "until I'm too lazy and selfish, and some cute KID at work pays me some attention by talking to me like a cheap slut."


Persistence in presence. He calls himself "Broken" - will you accept him and love him, even though he is broken? Even though you broke him? Will you love what is left?

Then prove it!


I, nor anyone else, can answer for your H. Part of me wishes that FWW would "own up" to her crap. Yes, it's humiliating. It's humiliating to me, too. But, because we have left it between just us, I am alone in my misery with only the woman holding the bloody blade to comfort me. It SUCKS.


For me, this brings about both pity, and resentment. I pity the guilt and regret; but I resent the decision. FWW neglected me, neglected my pleas for 6 years. It got to the point where I stopped trying, because when I cried out, she MOCKED me. And then she topped off the crap sundae by betraying me in little more than a childish, disgusting fling.

One way or another - some self-forgiveness is going to have to be made. I think for you, the guilt and regret are the biggest contributors to your fear.



Yes, and has painted you as some psycho, lying harlot out to destroy him for some unknown or outlandish reason.

The lies and stories made it back to me the first time I tried to expose to OMGF.

"Oh, she was telling him she wanted to leave you at the company Christmas party."

Well, that's good info. Too bad there wasn't a company Christmas party, and if there was, she wasn't there. FWW may have been diddling the dirtbag in a locker on 30 minute lunches without my knowledge, but had there been a Christmas party, I would have known.

He went running to his sister for interference;

"Are you sure she isn't just lying to get a reaction out of you?"

Yeah, she made it up for a reaction. And then when I give the only reasonable reaction, divorce, she won't let me - and doesn't retract the whole thing as a lie to reverse that reaction.

Thankfully, at a minimum, it painted what pieces of human trash OM and his sister really are.

Unfortunately, it just makes me more disgusted at what a piece of garbage tempted FWW into betrayal.

Really, babe? REALLY?

Here is the email I recieved from H at 2:28 am:


What do I do????


That's all I want to do - love him. Help him. Heal him. I did break him. Now we are both broken. Everything is broken.

I'm not all that sure I will live without him.

What do I do??? Do I leave?? Do I stay?? I don't know what to do...

Do I respond to him?? WHat do I say??

You stay! Your role is to care for your girls, not to leave them. Do not leave your kids, do not leave the home.

If he decides to leave, it's up to him.

Continue to live and breath as if married, if he leaves.

Remind him you do not want a divorce or seperation and leave it at that.... Do not beg!

He is in obvious need of some AD's... but that's way off subject...

Do not leave.

I agree with HPB above.

If he wants to leave then at this point - let him.

He's been through 2 severe life events this year and sounds like he needs some time to get back on track. Unfortunate for you that his dad passed.

At this point you're probably thinking that this is it - but it's probably not at least not yet.

Continue with what you are doing. Be there for the kids and don't forget to take care of yourself. He's going to need some time to get over this.

Be strong as much as you can and not to be too clingy or lb too much during this time.

Yes, I would respond. I would tell him this:

"I love you. I love our family. All I want is for us to be together and be happy, and I know we can do that, if we just work together. DD1 and DD2 deserve to be in a happy home with two parents who love each other. We can do this together.
Please come home."

wpg, it sounds to me like your H is trying to start a conversation with you, not end the relationship.

Humm! I would say that since YOU are the one who broke your OWN M and family. YOU are the one who has to leave. Don't you think?

I'm still trying to recover my own M, after I broke it. It's really hard, but it was my fault. The day we (FWW) decided to have an affair, is the day we said goodbye to our M, family, house and all that was related to it! After we are out of the fog, it hurts to realize that! And all the damage that we have inflicted to our loves ones...., and ta-da US! Your husband is not kicking You out of your house, You did it yourself, long ago.

You can still do Plan A from the outside, it is harder, but still can be done. No matter how good we are now Wulffpack_Girl it is our FBH choice to decide if they still want to give us a second chance. The same with us, if after trying we don't feel loved, we have to make a decision. But for us, it is still too early to be thinking about that. It's time for us to demonstrate (prove) that we deserve a second chance. We have to Earn it!!!!!

I agree with everyone except Rizos. Whatever you do, do NOT leave. This will only send him the message that you're okay with giving up and that you didn't really mean it when you said you were in it for the long haul.

I suspect that your H is speaking from a place of much pain right now, and a lot of it probably has nothing to do with you or your A. He just lost his father and he is no position right now to make huge, life-altering choices. It's been pretty obvious from your H's posts that he is depressed, and losing his father has only added to that.

Respond like maritalbliss suggested. Let him know that you love him with all of your heart and that you are NOT giving up on him or on your family. Yes, it is your H's choice if he wants to give your marriage a chance, but you need to let him know that you are in this 100%. There's not much you can do if he leaves, but you need to send a clear message that you aren't going anywhere.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this right now. I know you're hurting and scared, but I really think you're doing everything you can right now. Hang in there. I think about your situation everyday and just want you to know that you have a lot of people out there praying for and pulling for you and your H.

Don't leave WPG he is trying to test you. If he was deadly serious he would have spoken to you about it, and would have packed a bag and left.

I agree with everyone appart from Rizos.

I would tread carefully though, as he may believe that because you had the A you are the one that should leave. So be gentle.

Just see this as part of the recovery course, and don't let you emotions get the better of you.

You can do this WPG.

If it helps I read a thread by Dorry, whose H left at the 6 month point in recovery, he left for 4 weeks then came back. I will bump for you.

Feeling for you right now.