While I think he may be on to a good theory, the statistics don't support him.

The odds of divorce are very high when a couple marries young, especially if the male is less than 25.

Courtvision, please answer the questions I posted. They really are important whether you wish to save your marriage or not.

You're young. Why settle? Why put up with this? There's tons of great women out there?

Don't be held hostage by excitement, good looks, or the White Knight syndrome.

What was she like before marriage? Is she a wild child? Were you a rescuer, saving her from some crazy life?

I fell for women just like that over the years. They were all ticking time bombs. I took on the White Knight syndrome, thinking "I'll show her how she should be treated."

My mother told me, and it was very good advice, "If you try to be a savior, you'll simply end up crucified."

The secret to successful marriage is to find a woman who doesn't need you in her life but is with you because she WANTS you in her life. It's something that goes both ways.

You're young. Why settle? Why put up with this? There's tons of great women out there?

Don't be held hostage by excitement, good looks, or the White Knight syndrome.

What was she like before marriage? Is she a wild child? Were you a rescuer, saving her from some crazy life?

Why settle?-I was asked this and my reasons are that I do love her. I do want to forgive and move on in hopes of what could be an even better marriage if saved. she is/was my best friend and i know best friends, husbands and wives should not do this sort of thing so yeah maybe i am crazy.
Before marriage she was very level headed and mature (or at least i thought) for her age at the time 18. There was and is a lot of baggage from her childhood that went untreated (molested and she was raped 6 months after we started dating, she never received any treatment for any of this). Witnessed both parents walk out on her and her brother. had her mothers second husband tell her that she was the reason for their divorce (the second one she had to go through). not sure if that makes any difference anyways. she has always had that motherly instinct to her brother and to my nieces and nephews which i guess makes no difference but part of the reason i was attracted to her was how great a mother she could be to my or our children. i have never been the one to hold her back from anything that she wanted to do. meaning i knew she was young and i encouraged her to go to college away from our home. she went lasted 6 months and decided to come back there was never any pressure on my part for her to return. she finished her degree and is now a nurse and loves it. i forced her to move to our new location away from my family which she was treated as her own and has great relationships with. when we moved she wanted to go back asap now she is in this "fog" of not knowing what she wants to do. i know it has been only a year of marriage and i feel like even if we ended it we would both find someone else and fall in love and all that good stuff. so why not avoid divorce (if she gets on board to recovery) fix what we have and have a great life together. am i missing something here i know everybody says to just end it because im young shes young and we have a lot ahead of us. i guess i am not looking to just give up and end it. i want to make sure that i am trying to fix this and she is trying to fix this so we can give our best to each other. if that doesn't happen soon or timely manner then yes i agree ending it would be the way to go. so again why am i staying? I love her even though she has hurt me but i can forgive her if she wants to make this work and work on our plan so this never happens again. those are my thoughts and feelings i really do appreciate the advise and support as it give me other options to think about. right now i personally want to see if this can be repaired and if not then i will move on. i just dont see what is wrong with that.

CV, there is nothing wrong with trying to save the marriage. At least you have considered just moving on and that is all we ask. We will be happy to try and help you turn this around.

And you are right about her childhood. It has nothing to do with the present. No one has a perfect childhood, but the buck stops right here when we turn 18. We are responsible for all our choices.

How is your exposure game plan going? ARe you getting ready? What is the plan?

I wish you all the luck in the world man I really do.

I read your reasons just now, and although my WW do have a kid and are older, I could not help but think I envied you a little.

If I was you, I would be glad i didn't have all the issues with kids, long term commitments, having to start over at close to 40.

I think you should try to save it if that's what you want but only on your terms, and she needs to come round quick and hard. You wear your guns to town on this.

I envy you because if you need it your exit will be a lot easier than some of us.

Honestly though, if you want to save it - go for it. Just make sure you do a first rate job.

It has been my experience that people from this type of background don't make good spouses, especially after they have committed adultery after only 1 year of marriage. My advice would be to find someone more suitable to be the future mother of your children. This woman will only use and abuse you. Just ask Gerkaguards. It's not your responsibility to fix her or be her "white knight." You need to stop seeking out those type of women. She has proven herself not to be worthy. Don't be blinded by "love."

Still working on getting all email addresses as it is a little more difficult to get her co workers. working with my counselor as well to decide when and how to go about it. i got to be honest i am scared of the exposure but know it is the right thing to do. it seems easier to say than to do but i am working as best as i can on gathering all of the info before doing it. im not making excuses but it is hard to work, and do this all at the same time. i also want to make sure that they are both present at work when i do this as he is now gone for 3 weeks so i don't want to do it and then a few weeks pass and people forget about it because it lost its shock and awe factor. i hope that when we go home she says that its over between them and is ready to move home and to work on us but i that is just a hope i have as well. someone on here said to strike with military precision and i want to make sure i have a solid plan before doing this.

I would avoid the coworkers and only expose to Human Resources, her supervisor and a key VP. Avoid the coworkers because they have no control over her.


The perfect time to do it is while he is gone. They won't be able to get together and spin their story. And you will ruin his vacation. There are so many strategic advantages to doing this NOW that I hardly know where to start. Some of which are the fact that you will all be with your families over Christmas so they can help. You will be together over the holidays so you can have a chance to reconcile and work this out.

Don't wait, my friend. This is the perfect opportunity to pull this off. Take tomorrow off if you can and go to the library with your laptop and cell phone and get er done. Don't put this off and miss a great opportunity to enlist your families.

Yep, military precision, NOT analysis paralysis. Big difference! You don't want to get bogged down in over analysis and miss a great opportunity.

I would try to find a woman that is a good wife and life partner, who isn't broken or a "fixer-upper", and who shares the same vision of what marriage and family ought to be. Don't get married with a purpose in mind; it's like a basketball team drafting a player with a purpose in mind, led the Portland Trail Blazers to draft Sam Bowie ahead of Michael Jordan, and we all know how that turned out. Take the best player available - or in real world terms, look for the best all around woman for you.

Courtvision, the people that have been advising you to reassess your desire to "save" your marriage do so because your wife is cheating on you already (makes me wonder if she id so while you were dating) and with your wife's life history it makes for a bad combination. Age difference, history of sexual trauma, history of unstable family life, combined with a passive husband who seems exceptionally reluctant to stand up for himself or his marriage, doesn't seem like a recipe for success.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to first kill the affair, which calls for firm decisive action not timidity. You're going to have to shed your fear or you'll have no chance at all. Kille the affair, and then set one of the conditions for the recovery of your marriage to be that your wife gets help from a licensed professional regarding her past.

I wouldn't recommend she do anything about her past since it is in the past and would be a distraction

She has enough on her hands dealing with the present without bringing past problems into the present.

here

:::waving hand::: Excuse me, gang, but do I, the betrayed spouse, need to trot out (again) my tattered pedigree, and contrast it with my formerly wayward husband's Sunnybrook Farm upbringing? Do we really need to keep rehashing the business of "oh, she was molested/neglected/did poorly in school/had acne/mean parents/alcohol in the childhood home" to excuse any action of a wayward?? Or to find them to be 'unsuitable' marriage material? Especially, especially when 50% of all marriages will be touched by an affair, and when Dr. H (you know, the guy who owns this site?) has said that it is a DISTRACTION to wallow in what a wayward's childhood was like. AND when he says WE ARE ALL WIRED TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.

I am sick of hearing that anyone who had a less-than-sparkling upbringing is not suitable marriage material!

:::stepping down off soapbox:::

Let's do this, okay? Let's stick to current events. If this guy wants to try to save his M, how's about we see if we can help him do that??

Due to the width and breadth and differing walks of life of all those who have become entangled in adultery, I would say that this logic is flawed.

Adultery is the issue, not the total person. At least at this juncture.

Besides, if you could find this imaginary perfect person, how would you grow with them?

I wouldn't waste my life looking for some dream date, when I have one that is flawed, but entirely worth fighting for.

Don't think you understood what I meant to say. In his post, courtvision said the overwhelming factor in his wanting to marry his wife in the first place is because he thought she would be a good mother to his children. Then jmwc95 said that he should find a different future mother of his children, which I responded to by saying you shouldn't look at one specific aspect of a person but should take the best all around person. Guess I didn't convey that idea so well.

As far as not seeking mental health help for your past. I said that he should work to kill the affair first, and then she should get help AFTER they decide to work on their marriage. So, if I understand correctly, one should just not seek help at all for some trauma that happened in the past? What would you say if it was a combat vet that has marital problems after returning from deployment, even years later? Just ignore potential PTSD because it happened in the past when it probably has relevance to what is happeneing in the present?

Go to almost any website you want, but it is pretty much a common theme that men and women that are sexually molested in childhood have LOTS of problems in their marriages, everything from depression, sexual dysfunction, to promiscuity. That should just be swept under the rug while they try to fix the adultery problem? Sure, not everyone who experiences childhood sexual abuse cheats on their spouse, but there are enough of them who do for people to write about it.


I guess that is the key question, now isn't it? Determining if the one you have IS worth fighting for? A potential spouse doesn't have to be a "dream date" but entirely too many people marry people that have disturbing problems that they either overlook or refuse to acknowledge, or marry people that they don't even really know all that well. Women do it all the time, much more so than men. Women marry men they don't love for a variety of reasons, especially financial, and regret it later, but men very seldom marry women they don't love.

Sure, people from bad backgrounds have more problems, but the solution to adult problems is to change present behaviors. The childhood is dead and gone. You don't have to go to counseling to change bad behavior. It is a waste of time.

**************EDIT*******************

i just want to clarify that being a great mother to my children wasn't the sole reason i married her...there were many other reasons of course. this just happened to be one of them. i was also sexually abused as a child and i don't have any emotional dysfunctions that i know of but i guess there could be some. either way i grew up in a very loving, caring, and supportive family. had i not, then there may have been more issues with me as well. i agree the past is the past and that is how i look at it. it happened and i have moved on from it. i am focusing on the present and future with her and if it works out it does and if not then i will have no choice but to move on. i have accepted that.

Here's what you said:


But you actually said:

You are advising someone leave his marriage and look for 'suitable' partners based on their childhood and family. Where did you get the idea that this is, first of all, anywhere NEAR an accurate comment, and second, has ANYTHING TO DO with this situation???? Court isn't royalty (sorry, Court ) He's not the future King of England. We don't need to look for purity of lineage, here.

Once again, for those who need to see it:
If you are married, your chance of being touched personally by infidelity is about 50/50.
Rich, 'happy' people have affairs.
Poor, 'unhappy' people have affairs.
Black people have them. White ones do, too.
Some have children. Some don't.
College-educated? You're susceptible. GED students, you are, too.
Pretty? Your H could be screwing his secretary.
Ugly? Your H could be screwing his secretary.
Have kids? You are still susceptible.
Molested children CAN BE FAITHFUL ADULT SPOUSES. DUH!
Poor children CAN BE FAITHFUL SPOUSES.
Children who had totally horrible childhoods CAN BE FAITHFUL SPOUSES.

HERE IS WHAT IS NEEDED FOR INFIDELITY:
Emotional needs are not being met in the marriage.
Opportunities for intimate experiences is not pursued in the marriage.
The priority of Husband and Wife is relegated to allow another priority to take top spot: Children, In-Laws, Parents, Work, etc.
Another person who is also looking for needs to be met.

americajin, I have read other posts of yours that alarm me. I need to go back and re-read your thread to discover how well your M is doing and see how that happened with comments from you that are so incredibly contrary to MB principles, as well as my own experience as a poor, molested, abused, neglected child.

********** AS COURTEOUSLY AS POSSIBLE ***********

CV:
I wanted you to know that my post above (which you cannot read) was not disrespectful to YOU at all, as you have my strongest support, ****EDIT******

How is it going, and what do you need from us?

moderators note: if you have a problem with other posters, notify the moderators rather than disrupting this thread. That is our job, not yours!

*****EDIT**********

Just want to add that I know that not all cases of childhood sexual abuse lead to mentally broken adult women. I've met plenty that have told me about their experiences.

I admire the women that can move on from this with or without help. All I know is that it helped make a lot of weird and puzzling things in my previous marriage suddenly make a lot of sense when I did the research.

The key with this is "unresolved".