Just keep the rewards reasonable.
That way you can enjoy them without guilt.
(I mean a massage twice a week would be nice, but the cost would make me feel bad.)

Quite a few posters here report that AD's really helped them and they did not know why they hesitated. Some don't like them, but I guess it is how much you trust your doctor's ability to treat you.

I hope you are not in contact with WS. Too many newbies think they can "talk" WS into reason. Does not happen that often. He is so foggy, there is no hope just yet.

You need #1. Time and #2. a plan. (you have time to make the plan)

I have no talk to WH since I left to stay with my DD and SNL He talked to my DD and SNL. I have to shut off my phone he was texting and calling me like crazy,

Good. Now I suggest that you write a Plan B letter and post it here for people to comment on before you send it to him.
The main jist of this letter is to tell him that you still love him (if you do), that you are prepared to work on your marriage to repair the damage he has caused (if you are) and to outline the non-negotiable conditions you require in order to do so. This does not have to be a complete list of conditions, you can add more later if and when Recovery becomes a real possibility.
You should also let him know that until he commits to these conditions you want to have no contact of any sort with him and if he absolutely needs to communicate something to you he should do so through whoever you choose as your intermediary. Maybe your GF as she is not quite as involved as your DD and sounds like a woman well able to stand up to him and his rubbish. She should only tell you absolutely essential information and in the most factual way possible.

I probably won't be on here long enough to do anything useful today, with all that's going on, but just wanted to let you know I'm not far away.

Thanks Neak

Earlier in the thread, someone gave me an outlne of a letter that i am going to use Oh that letter was for OW

Don't do what I did and pursue him, don't answer his calls, make him think about what he did. See I was strong then turned basket case and then he lost all respect for me.

Now I was abused and my dad deserted us and my H knows this and look at this mess.

Take care of yourself, you saying to yourself 'what kind of man would do this' is where you want your head. But don't keep thinking it.

Instead, get really strong, think of you, all about you. You have always been a strong wife and mom and still are. Stay that way.

Make him feel guilty, don't talk to him and let him know where you are in your thoughts, that is your best defense.

As far as the OW, maybe she had a crush on him since she was young, and lucky her when he got his mid life crisis, he really disgustingly took advantage of her old crush, her, you, your children, even himself.

Ugh...

She is to blame too, but he, mostly it is him, thinking of it, implementing it.

Don't get angry, get strong, make him wonder, make him worry, you go be strong for you and your kids.

And do not let him be there for xmas, go to your parents or lock him out....

You can do this.

When all else fails, do a moisturizing face mask and listen to nice music.

sunnyhere56

I like that ideal. I do not want to see him for X-Mas. I am living too close to these people. If I go out somewhere I am subject to run into them and I don't need that right now. Thank you Sunny56 for your kind words--You Rock!!!!!

Hopefully I can do something productive tomorrow. I need to start working on me. I still hurt alot from these people and I want it to stop. Time to start writing letters. My DD just told me there is something wrong with WH eyes. The DR is sending him to a specialist tomorrow. She thought I should know. I don't know what to do with this information

Perfect time (medical "emergency") to show that you are not buying into any drama from your WH.

Vivi, I would only say to your DD;
DD; "Dad has a medical emergency with this eyes. Tomorrow he is going to a specialist. I thought you should know."

Vivi; "While he is at the specialist, have them check his brain. There is something wrong with that too."

Where did she get this info? From WH, yes? No matter - don't respond in any way to this, and ask your DD to please not relay further info about WH to you.

Vivi, I really want to see you get on track with an MB plan. Right now you're not really in any plan at all, just drifting with no direction.

Are you going to go to Plan B? Are you going to stay in Plan A for a while?

I'm not sure which to recommend for you at this point, because I don't have all the information. If you could please go through and answer these questions, it would really help me out in trying to help you out. I apologize if you've already answered some of them - my short-term memory isn't what it used to be.

1. To your knowledge, has your WH ever cheated before?
2. After he gaslighted you back into submission following the naked pictures, what happened? You mentioned the incident with the pickup truck and them being inappropriately close. What other clues did you have that something was going on?
3. What event(s) finally brought things to a crisis? How did you finally figure out that he was indeed cheating?
4. In detail, what was the condition of your M between the naked pictures/pickup incidents, and whatever crisis brought you to MB?
5. What, if any, steps did you take to try and end the A before coming here? (This would be official methods, or just simply what you did by yourself.)
6. How long has it been since you realized he was cheating?
7. What is your physical/emotional condition now? Do you feel stronger after almost a week of rest?

Answering those will help me to better assist you. If I think of any more, I'll let you know.

lol. you are so right about his brain. He blaming everyone but himself for this mess. He told our DD "I can't believe your mom acuse that little girl for cheating with her husband" When I 1st found the naked pics on our laptop I confronted him about them and he said I was crazy for thinking he would do something so low and that the pics were sent to him by mistake. He thought I was so naive and wouldnt check computer history which said it came fr his Iphone. What he told me next was so stupid the only thing I could do at the time was laugh and walk away. He tells me He sent the pics back to her to show her what she did and told I found them and was very upset. Not one time did that little fool apologize to me to say she sent them by mistake. (Which of course was a lie) I am telling u guys the crap they have put me through. lie after lie. OW niece had known this was going on for awhile because she told her. OW used to bride the niece to watch her kids saying my WH would buy her food and pay her. I am sure I have those babies while they were doing their thing. What man lets his wife watch children of the female he is sleeping with? I am sorry I sould like a broken record but I am a broken person right now. I never expected this type of behavior from WH. I am think about leaving here for awhile. i sat by the window today and watched the rain. His mom called and ask how I was holding up. She told that's her son but wrong is wrong. I didnt deserve this from her son. He crossed the line in so many ways. I started taking the AD yesterday. I was so groggy this morning that it took me awhile to get up. My DD said I needed the rest. She always calls me on her breaks to check on me

How Can I Still Love This Man with this mess in our marriage?????

He's in a damn Affair Fog and thinks he can get away with it. Don't let him. Stay in your Plan B. Until he can honestly admit what he has done to wreck the marriage as well as 2 families lives I would stay in plan B. It's still early on and you are still coming to grips with the shock of it all. I feel for you. I honestly do.

Thank you for having the courage to stand up for yourself and what is right in this world. Reading your story and others like it are scary - but in a way are also scaring some us onto the straight and narrow. We see the damage this is causing and the hurt and the pain. For me - that warning is enough to make me want to cling to my wife and daughters with every last bit of strength I have and to not let go!

Vivi - you have your DD and SIL to help you through this. I'm just a rookie here and have never been through this type of thing before but there are others here that have faced it and survived. Listen to them.

God bless and be strong!

The man that your WH is choosing to be now would be difficult to love under any circumstances. I suspect what you love is not him, but the memory of what you knew or thought him to be, and you are missing that person terribly. If he comes to his senses, that person may return and recovery of your M can commence. At that point, if it comes, what you'll have to face is the baggage this A has brought to your relationship, and it's a LOT of baggage. The hurt will disappear with time (I'm five years out from D-Day, so I can guarantee that), but what remains could leave you wondering if what you saved was worth saving.

Neak I am sorry I am rambling so. To My knowlege WH has never cheated on me. As for the naked pics on the laptop, When I confronted him, he told me they were meant for someone else and was sent to him by accident and why would I think he would do something as lowdown as sleep with a kid. Other clues the constant texting and hanging around him in the garage. OW lives with her dad down the street from us. At the time her ex-boyfriend was staying with her too. He would tell her u talked to that man too. At first in all honesty i thought it was just a crush on her part and I didnt pay attention to it (dumb me huh?) The minicam showing them having sex was the last straw (I didnt watch the whole thing) He kept denying the affair until the minicam came into play.

Neak he has been denying the affair since Jan of this year. All the things has been building up. The minicam i found recently and that was the last straw for me. I let him get away with this for almost a year. I didnt talk to anyone. People would make comments about OW and I would take up for her, saying she is just a kid with a crush. This young girl continue to come to my house til Nov I believe.

vivi, Neak is right. It's time for you to develop a plan and follow it.
The key question is do you want to recover your marriage?
You have every right to say no. After all you have been through I think it would be understandable if you wanted to put an end to it and we would support you in that decision.
However, this is a Marriage Builders website and we will give you every support in order to help you recover a good, loving marriage. We do not support recovering a marriage at any cost, the idea is to work towards a good, healthy marriage.
This is your decision but please let us know so that we can help you as best we can.
I personally recommend that you try to recover your M by going now to Plan B but I would like to hear what others say. I say this because the A is still ongoing, WH is still in denial and the emotional damage being caused to you is immense.

This means sending WH a Plan B letter telling him the following things:
- you love him
- you want to recover your M
- you require certain minumum conditions from him in order to do so
- all communication will be cut between you until he accepts
- any essential communication including his agreement with your terms should go through a designated IM

Write up something and post it here for comment.

PS Hugs to you during this difficult time. But honestly following a plan will help you get back control of your life.