vivi, WHAT IS YOUR PLAN. Tell us YOUR PLAN. When you meet him tomorrow, WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO HAVE HAPPEN?

What is YOUR GOAL. And if your goal isn't met, WHAT THEN?

I am meeting my WH tomorrow at 4pm (A diner near our home) This what I am going say: I want to talk about our future but before I go any further U need to tell me the truth about the A. Keep in mind I have proof of u and OW on tape. Then I am going to let him speak. What do u guys think so far?

What do you expect to come from this and HOW does this follow MB AT ALL?

Agree w/Scotland.

What exactly are you in? Plan A or Plan B or Plan Vivi?

we know what works. winging it is usually futile.

someone on this thread suggested it

I thought I was suppose to tell him how much he hurt with this affair,etc ??????????????????????????????

If you are going to plan A, I would set up a time to meet with your WH. Either by phone or in person, but make give yourself some time to prepare your plan A.
DO not do this on impulse, let both him and you think about what you want to say.

You do not have to tolerate lies about the A.
Or babysit those kids
or put up with selfish demands
or threats.

BUT there are positive way to go about doing this. Your new quest is to find out about boundries.
DO not tell WH about this site.

Not yet. I was following this thread_________________________
Me; W 44
Him; H 44

2 girls
DD17
DD14
Married 24 years.
20 good ones....4 not worth living.. but I am learning.
theodore444@hotmail.com

Scotland, I guess I Don't know what I am doing. u actually made cry when u wrote those words to me (silly huh?) I am sorry I let u guys down I am suppose tell him what he is missing fr this marriage without getting emotional. My nerves is so bad and tomorrow it is going to be rough

VIvi,
Please help me here. I am confused. I said that if you were going into plan A, "give yourself time to prepare yourself, and not do this on impulse."

I certainly did not mean for you to garner that you should show up and just let him talk. (But maybe that is not what you ment to communicate.)


#1. Are you going into plan A?

#2. Did you read the carrot and stick of plan A?

Vivi,

Here's my point of view about how to do Plan A.

Plan A is about personal strength and mental toughness to be your best self, but with strength and boundaries.

In your case, your husband has seen you as gullible, weak - essentially a push-over. He's not going to give up that position willingly because it gets him what he wants - you taking care of his home and his hussy on the side.

Plan A needs to show him you are not gullible, weak or a push-over. But you can't tell him that. You must show him that without words. That doesn't mean you don't talk with him, but it might mean that you don't talk with him until you can contain your anger and hurt.

If you knew your worth, you'd find ways to nourish your body so that you could stay "contained" in those moments when you talk with him. If you feel depression (which is a given with this situation), you find ways to lift your heart and mind.

Last week needs to be put in perspective. He already knows he's a dirtbag. So you don't need to tell him that.

Here's my concerns about Plan A in your situation
1. your health - are you strong enough to stay contained with your emotions around him?
2. the purpose of your Plan A for right now - are you sure you want to attempt marital recovery? Why?
3. How long should you allow yourself to be seen by him? What do you want him to see?

My thoughts: you want him to see you at your best - not for his sake but for yours. You want to know that he has seen the woman he fell in love with; healthy, vibrant and confident in her worth. You want him to see that this hussy is not even gum under your shoe. You want him to see boundaries - that you will not entertain the notion of reconciliation with a 3rd party in the marriage - but not by shouting it at him; but by an immediate exit should it be forced on you.

Unless he has been forthcoming with apologies for his lies you really want to be prepared to stand up, smile ever so slightly and leave the minute he starts lying. Something like "I know too much to buy that line." You'll have to be prepared to train him that the truth is the only thing you're interested in right now.

The other thing I'm concerned about at this point is I don't believe your husband is ready to do anything but whitewash and he's clearly demonstrated that he'd rather be a bully than remorseful up to now. I personally would not even entertain the idea of talking with him until there's a string of apologies from him. I just wouldn't. I understand the reasons for Plan A and talking with him - if it were anyone but the him you've described in this thread.

I'd like Scotland and Schoolbus and the others advocating contact to describe just how they see this working for Vivi, because I just can't see it happening with his behavior to this point. What am I missing?

I'm with you KA. I too would not try to plan A this man. Not at this point.

Ok guys. I am sorry. I really thought I was suppose to talk him now with Plan A. I was going to meet him today at 4pm. Just talking to him to set up the appt with him was draining and non-productive. But I was going to talk to him. I dont know now

vivi,

What people are asking you is what do you plan to say to WH?

What boundaries will you set for recovery to happen?

How are you going to prevent yourself from LBing?

Can you remain calm, no matter what he says?

If you go back over the last couple of pages you will find all the information you need for this meeting.

What I am getting from you is that you want to Plan A.

How will you do that in your meeting?

Another thing is that you will have to move. No way can you recover your marriage with the OW living so close to you.

You need to ask for NO CONTACT with ow and figure out how that will happen. If it means you move, so be it.

Yes it is a mess, but if you want to recover your marriage you have to have a PLAN of what needs to be done for that to happen.

As I said, you have been given a LOT of information on what you can do, and I think people are getting frustrated because you have not said what you are going to do in your Plan A.

Frankly, it has been like getting blood out of a turnip. That has not been said to hurt you.

You need to go back and read some more and come up with a plan before you meet your WH.

You need to FOCUS.
Read about Plan A and B and figure out what you want to do. Read about Love Busting.
Read about Emotional Needs.
Print out the EN questionnaire and look it over.
So far you have not communicated any of your plans, if you have them. And that is just the beginning.
Spend the day reading this website and the carrot and stick of plan a and then WRITE DOWN what you are going to do in this meeting, what your goals are and what your boundaries will be. DO NOT let your WH gaslight you or accept any more lies.

FOCUS, and make yourself read, the more information you have, the better you will be able to deal with this.

You know, I think you should call Harley's for counseling, I really think they could help you.

Spinning your wheels will not recover your marriage.
Educate yourself on Marriage Builders. It works!
But you must follow the plans.

Okay I am done. Best wishes for your meeting today vivi. It may seem like we are being tough on you, but it is because we care about you and we KNOW that Marriage Builders WORKS.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

If I understand what vivi has written just recently, friends and relatives are still seeing her H around town with OW even after vivi left her home due to the situation being flaunted in her face and H and OW badgering her about "it's not what you think".
So, I see no change in him from vivi leaving other than him issuing orders about she should be back home.

vivi does not seem strong enough to do this confrontation with him right now. And what could he say even if he admits the affair to justify it? Why give him a chance to "explain"? It is what it is....cheating, disrespect, him feeling like he can gaslight vivi and she'll believe him.

I also think a Plan A at this point is not in her best interest. He will take that as her buying into his version of things, I think. To me, she should say "I'll talk to you when you are ready to give up OW totally, move away from the neighborhood where she lives, and work on total honesty and recovery of the marriage (IF THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS....SHE NEEDS TO THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT PUTTING HERSELF BACK IN THE MARRIAGE WITH THIS GUY....HE'S EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE TO HER IN MY BOOK.)

If vivi wishes to recover her marriage, then some kind of Plan A is required for Plan B to be effective, otherwise it is not Plan B, it is Plan FU/D.

Even if it were just 2 weeks of whatever Plan A she could possibly muster, SOME KIND OF BAIT HAS TO BE LAID TO LURE THE DUNG BEETLE INTO THE TRAP.

Vivi believe this or not, we all are giving you MB advice.

No one is trying to confuse you.

The first step is reading about Plan A and Plan B.
then YOU have to make the descision (we can not make this for you.)
Surviving and Affair is also on your must read list.

Once you understand the process, then we can help you.
Sidenote;
Is Surviving and A on audio? Sometimes listening is quicker and easier than trying to read a tone of information.

Right now, this is about you and what you decide you want. If you want to save this M, but you do not feel preparred or ready to CONTROL YOUR emotions at tonights meeting, you may want to postpone to give yourself some emotional space to think!

Vivi, how so? I mean I know a WW fogspeak is this as pea soup, but what were some of the things that made it so hard?

Well, you can't very well meet needs without contact now, can you?

Yes, it will be draining. And that is why Plan A is for a very limited amount of time!

What amount of time do you think that you can handle? Do you want to reconcile? Do you want to recover?

Then you need to get a solid Plan A in there before going into Plan B. I'm thinking you need a pitch-black Plan B when you do.

You need a place to stay where he will have no clue where you are, and no clue how to contact you outside of an IM. And that IM should only carry on this message; he is ending the A and ready to meet your conditions for reconciliation and recovery.

Vivi, his LB$ balance with you is dangerously low, so you really need to consider this when determining the length of your Plan A.

And remember that the whole Plan A and Plan B scenario works two ways; 1) it works in a manner to draw the WS back into the marriage and/or 2) it brings the BS to a position that if the WS will not come back to the marriage, the BS will no longer be in love with the WS and can move to Plan D accordingly.

I agree with the statement highlighted in red, this is what vivi should say.

You nailed it LLL. I don't know that vivi is strong enough emotionally for a meeting at this time. Only she knows.

Is it true that your WS is still being seen with ow? I am confused on the timelines.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I will think long and hard before I decide to see my WH. Either way until leaves OW alone, there is no Plan A. Why Do I have to move--I did nothing wrong!