Keep in mind, it's a quasi PlanA - sws will not be dealing with the abuse of an active wayward.... It's very easy to do this under these conditions.... I did it!

Absolutely!

I suggested he get into the mindset of Plan A in terms of meeting ENs/avoiding lovebusters and expecting nothing in return earlier. (SWS never responded....just sayin'...)

I think it's important he gets into this mindset now as his BW has expressed frustration/concern over his wanting admiration/needs met.

Thanks for the varied opinions. I think it will really be about sitting with my wife and seeing what is going to work best for both of us. If it were all up to me, I wouldn't move out. But her pain is so severe I can see that seeing me is going to be hard for her. I leave for the States tomorrow, and will be home on the 23rd. What she has told me is that I can stay until the beginning of the year, so at least there will be a little time at home. I hope we can work out an agreement for going forward with us both in the house after that. But I have got to be sensitive to the pain I caused her. I'm not sure I see how the BS out there were able to tolerate having someone in the house who willfully hurt them. I am preparing myself for the possibility that it could be years before she even would consider working on our relationship.

BS. The marriage isn't over until a divorce is final. Just ask your wife. If the WS wants a divorce, they can get a divorce. Telling a WS they either need to end their affair or leave the marital home is a perfectly reasonable request. Now that the affair is over, living in your own home that you pay the mortgage for is not a selfish demand. I understand that SWS needs to be sensitive to his BS's needs, but complete and total conflict avoidance isn't going to help his marriage. In fact, it will help his BW disconnect from him. Remember, conflict is better than withdrawal. And if withdrawal is what his BS wants, she can be a big girl and file the legal papers herself to make that happen. I'm saying, he shouldn't just give into everything his BW asks for. He should work this out with the MB marriage coaching to determine a mutually agreeable arrangement. I'm not saying at all that the BS should be a doormat. But I'm not saying the WS should be the BS's doormat until the WS wants to working on the marriage again.

Why is everyone getting so PO'ed at me. All I'm saying is discuss the living arrangement with the Harley's and work out something they can mutually agree upon. That doesn't sound so awful.

Do yourself a huge favor and schedule some phone counseling with the Harleys. You two are in some desparate need for some clear guidance.

Also, when you are home, make yourself as tolerable as possible so she doesn't want to ask you to leave. Be on your best behavior.

@SusieQ - I think I missed reading some posts...my first time on a board like this....

Good advice. I understand that nothing in return part. I am ready for that. I don't expect a thing for me. The problem to work through though is that she isn't even yet in the mood for me to meet any EN. We will see how it is when I am there later this week, but the conversations for the past couple of days have gotten to the point where I suspect that me trying to meet needs, and be an engaged husband would infuriate her even more.

How would one execute a reverse PlanA? right now my "plan" if there is such a thing in a situation like this is a)continue keeping commitments I make to her, to my church, and to myself. b) be a good father, and do all that I know I should c) let her know that I am here, committed to her, willing to humbly be at her mercy - and that I love her.

I signed up for the online seminar with accountability coaching. I asked her about it two days ago, and she said I could if I wanted. Once I'm back on Thursday, I will speak to her about doing a phone session.

Amen. I agree with you. I effectively divorced her already by doing what I did. If she wants to leave, that is her choice now. If she has any desire of trying, then we can start in with the MB stuff. All I can do is be engaged and ready to do what she needs.

I would make the phone session a priority. That's why I used the word emergency session. They will talk to you two separately which I think your BW will appreciate. I wouldn't put it off...

Indeed he did.

Why?

Because when the affair is not active, when the affair is over, Plan A is less draining.

So, in the case of WPG, she is in a pseudo-Plan A - meet EN's/avoid LB's - and Dr. Harley predicted that by this time next year, Broken's withdrawal will.... break.

Not Nostradamus, but I tend to think he'll be proven right.

A lot has been discussed here about what a WS should do, what a BS should do, who has what rights, so on and so forth... and as a BS, I totally get the idea of painting a WS as a criminal... HOWEVER, I don't really live in a world where criminals are stripped of all their humanity because of their crimes. I also live in a world, where people read a book which contains a story in which a criminal is given the ultimate reward for repentance just moments before his death.

I participate in a forum where there a lot of people holding rocks... can anyone guess the next line?


As a betrayed spouse, we get 1... O-N-E, free "let-it-fly" card. We can drop it all, and we can divorce.

If she doesn't want him in the home, if she doesn't want him in the bed, she can file. The affair is not active, she is not in Plan B.

I've dug through enough threads here to know that if the actions were reversed per role that the advice would be the opposite.

This isn't about BS "rights" versus WS "rights."

Let's resolve this situation:




IF IT DOESN'T WORK WHEN IT'S THE WS TRYING TO NOT SLEEP IN THE MARITAL BED AND TRYING TO LEAVE THE MARITAL HOME IT DOES NOT FREAKING WORK FOR THE BS TO KICK THE WS OUT OF THE MARITAL BED OR MARITAL HOME!

Hello?

Can we get off the coddle bus, and get down to some truthiness?

Please?

This is not the sense I got from your wife at all. It also sounds like you need to work on lovebusters (as most of us do before we learn about MB!). Lovebusters will drain and LB$ deposits quicker than you can make deposits so read up on those first.

If you work with the coaching center they will guide you will what kinds of things you should be saying/doing. I really get the sense that you are making your W uncomfortable in your conversations so I think you will benefit greatly from their help.

I have emailed my wife and told her I was scheduling a phone appt, and asked her if she would join me once I got a time.

This is a great way to begin!

The bottom line is that every BS has a get out of marriage free card in the case of adultery. A WS is in no position to deny her that.

p.s. HHH, you crack me up immensely!!

No spouse, betrayed or wayward, can keep their partner from getting a divorce (unless you live in some other strictly religious culture). It is physically impossible. But until the BS decides they are getting divorced, stay in the marital house. And by decide, I mean actually follow through. If you are a BS and want a divorce, march your behind down to the court and file. Don't expect your WS to take care of it all for you. If it is something you want, then you do it yourself. Until your are divorced, behave like a married person. That's not too much to ask.

Here is a thread you might enjoy reading.... and then take the time to read all the threads that have been started since then..... and then sign up and work the MB Weekend/seminar...... and then read all of Dr. Harley's private forum threads....... Then you won't have to tap your toe waiting for someone to spoonfeed you the information anymore, because you'll know where your information came from. Link

Thanks for the info...... I've been sitting back eating popcorn waiting in anticipation for someone to disclose that no one can keep their partner from getting a divorce.

I guess when a BS wants to go in to PlanB, unless they file for divorce you would advise the wayward to stay in the marital home and tell the BS to suck it up.....

You, sir, ARE being heard... it's just you are being disagreed with.

Thank you for the link.

The "horse's mouth" reply, right off said link is:


Nothing in there states anything about kicking a WS who is not; 1) still actively engaged in an affair, or 2) still in constant contact with an AP out of the marital bed or home.

In fact, what is stated is quite converse, though no less radical - moving with the WS (if possible) away from the AP, the general other city or state recommendation.