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Why is there pity for my wife, when I try and make the effort to make her happy. Suppose you try and fail. Does it matter that you tried? Yes. But was trying alone, enough? No. Does your wife deserve pity if you try and fail? Yes, I believe so. It's very sad for her if you are trying to make her happy and fail. Just like it's very sad for you if she tries to make you happy and fails. And I am sure she is trying, as best as she knows how. It's just not working. She doesn't know what to do different so that she can succeed and not fail. This program can teach you guys how to not fail, and then nobody will be unhappy and need pity. What good is pity? Wouldn't it be better to have an easy, happy marriage with that special feeling that tells you this is THE ONE? I don't see how that makes me such a horrible person. I think people think that if you felt sorry for your wife you would try harder, and both of you would get something wonderful out of that. I think they believe this so strongly that they are trying very hard to show you your wife's plight in the hopes that it will motivate you to do something different. And I think the main tool they have for that is to try to bludgeon you and try to make you feel guilty. Tom, do you believe your wife has that special feeling you were talking about? Yes my wife has that feeling, I know she does. I also know that she is very happy in life. She is happy most of the time with her life right now. She is also happy with me. Just last night she said to me, that her life is so much better with me it. I am glad she feels that way, I want her to feel that way, she deserves that. I just don't see how if I don't have that same 100% feeling, how it takes anything away from her.
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Telly,
No, just no. That friend is just someone I work with, we don't talk all that often anymore, occasionally, but not often. No, I don't have that "feeling" for that friend. No, there is no affair.
So again, no.
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KT,
To me, no I do not see how an end result nulifies what happens before. I don't buy that. If you are happy and having a good life for many years, why would one event years later take all that away?
Again, I am not saying that I want my marriage to end, I do not. I want to be happy in it, I want to be happy in life, I just have not bought into the idea of making that feeling/that romantic in love feeling. I believe it can be done, I just have a hard time thinking that it is right, to "make it" happen. Tom, any time that feeling happens, with anyone, it is because you made it happen. If it's not right to make that happen, then it's not right to have that feeling at all, because you can't have it unless you made it happen. And if you go out and do the right things with someone else, you will be making that feeling happen with that someone else.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I am not talking about that in love feeling. I am talking about a feeling you get when you first meet someone or are at the very beginning stages of getting to know them. You have a feeling, that you just know they need to be apart of your life, that you know you have to get to know them better and you have a connection with them for some reason. Again, not out of a lust feeling, I had this with people I was not physically attracted to right away. The feeling doesn't come from physical attraction alone. For some people conversation causes that feeling. For some it is the potential that the person they are talking to could earn a good living, or has ambition. For others it is because of the way they see the person treating kids. Dr. Harley categorizes ten broad categories of things that create that feeling in different people, and says that there are many more. Physical attractiveness is one of those.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes my wife has that feeling, I know she does. I also know that she is very happy in life. She is happy most of the time with her life right now. She is also happy with me. Just last night she said to me, that her life is so much better with me it. I am glad she feels that way, I want her to feel that way, she deserves that.
I just don't see how if I don't have that same 100% feeling, how it takes anything away from her. That is great that you are making your wife feel this way. One potential disaster of her feeling that way but you not feeling that way is that the things you are doing to cause her to feel this way may be unsustainable. It's like a circuit that is disconnected.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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KT,
To me, no I do not see how an end result nulifies what happens before. I don't buy that. If you are happy and having a good life for many years, why would one event years later take all that away?
Again, I am not saying that I want my marriage to end, I do not. I want to be happy in it, I want to be happy in life, I just have not bought into the idea of making that feeling/that romantic in love feeling. I believe it can be done, I just have a hard time thinking that it is right, to "make it" happen. Tom, any time that feeling happens, with anyone, it is because you made it happen. If it's not right to make that happen, then it's not right to have that feeling at all, because you can't have it unless you made it happen. And if you go out and do the right things with someone else, you will be making that feeling happen with that someone else. What if there is not a cause that we do every time, or the other person did. You meet someone, you spend a small amount of time around them, barely even know their name, and you have that feeling for them. You don't know why, you just know that you have to spend time with them and get to know them better, you have to. I don't think that is something that we as people caused. I think it is something bigger at work in those situations. Something we as people do not control. Yes, by bigger than people, I do mean something Heavnly.
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What if there is not a cause that we do every time, or the other person did. You meet someone, you spend a small amount of time around them, barely even know their name, and you have that feeling for them. You don't know why, you just know that you have to spend time with them and get to know them better, you have to.
I don't think that is something that we as people caused. I think it is something bigger at work in those situations. Something we as people do not control. Yes, by bigger than people, I do mean something Heavnly. That sounds pretty cool. It's called fantasy. Work with what you have. As long as you're dreaming about fantasy romance you're going to have a hard time being happy.
This stuff that's hurting right now, this pain, this fear,
it's temporary.
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What if there is not a cause that we do every time, or the other person did. You meet someone, you spend a small amount of time around them, barely even know their name, and you have that feeling for them. You don't know why, you just know that you have to spend time with them and get to know them better, you have to.
I don't think that is something that we as people caused. I think it is something bigger at work in those situations. Something we as people do not control. Yes, by bigger than people, I do mean something Heavnly. I think the human brain is pretty heavenly, myself, and I know that people have done a lot of research into what makes it tick. It is not unusual for men to be attracted to many, many women over the course of their lifetime. But it is extremely uncommon for a man to be able to make a relationship happy when he is involved with two women at the same time, and a man's chances of making things happy go down as he has subsequent relationships: his best chance is with the first woman he is married to, the second woman has less chance, the third has less chance than that... You are going to change in life no matter what, and so is your wife. There is no reason you can't change together and become the kind of people that you both feel that attraction for. You can go feel that attraction with many other women, but that doesn't mean that you have a better shot of an easy, happy marriage with them.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What if there is not a cause that we do every time, or the other person did. Are you saying what if the research people have done with MRIs and stuff is wrong? And what if the research done that says "Successful relationships do the following things and unsuccessful relationships don't" is wrong? I mean, you haven't found that easy happy marriage yet, have you, Tom? Are you here to persuade us that working this program is a bad idea and instead we need to just get struck by something divine or it'll never work?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What if there is not a cause that we do every time, or the other person did. Are you saying what if the research people have done with MRIs and stuff is wrong? And what if the research done that says "Successful relationships do the following things and unsuccessful relationships don't" is wrong? I mean, you haven't found that easy happy marriage yet, have you, Tom? Are you here to persuade us that working this program is a bad idea and instead we need to just get struck by something divine or it'll never work? No, that is not what I am saying. But you did avoid the comment I made. I understand the research that has been done, I get that the brain works in mysterious ways. But I also do believe that God has an impact in our lives. I believe that some of the feelings(all types, not just for the opposite sex) we have, some decisions we make, that we don't always know why, they can be impacted from other things besides our own brain. I also was not talking about a fantasy situation. What I described above was something that has actually happened. It is not something I am imagining happening in the future, I was speaking from experience. That feeling that I had with someone, for me, came from that Heavenly place that was telling me I needed that person in my life. I don't think that is so crazy to believe. Not everything has to be backed up by research.
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Tom, I believe that God has an impact in our lives as well, and that He has a lot to say on the subject of love, marriage, and relationships.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Tom, I'm no expert on this, but I'm pretty sure that God would want you to love your wife.
I can't even fathom a God that would want you to make your wife fall in love with you and then leave her for some other person that you were just "meant to be with."
You may not be involved in an active affair, but you definitely have the classic wayward mindset. How many waywards have come on here insisting that the OW/OM was their "soul mate" and they were just meant to be together? Ugh!
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I also was not talking about a fantasy situation. What I described above was something that has actually happened. It is not something I am imagining happening in the future, I was speaking from experience. That feeling that I had with someone, for me, came from that Heavenly place that was telling me I needed that person in my life.
I don't think that is so crazy to believe. Not everything has to be backed up by research. So who was that, Tom?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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It was more than one person. That has happened a few times with people I have met and got into relationships with. Some of them were just friendships, some became more than that. One of them was my wife.
And I do believe that God does want me to love my wife and I do, I do love my wife.
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It was more than one person. That has happened a few times with people I have met and got into relationships with. Some of them were just friendships, some became more than that. One of them was my wife. If you felt this way about your wife at one time, why are you so dead-set against trying to feel that way again?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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It was more than one person. That has happened a few times with people I have met and got into relationships with. Some of them were just friendships, some became more than that. One of them was my wife.
And I do believe that God does want me to love my wife and I do, I do love my wife. Great! problem solved. You want to be with someone who fills your fantasy meeting requirement, and you lucked out and married her. Now what?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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I am not sure why you keep using the word fantasy, but you do. I do not see this as some fantasy.
Yes, I had that, "feel something, not sure what it is, but I know this person needs to be in my life for some purpose and some period of time" about my wife.
Its not an in love feeling, its a lets find out what this reason is.
And now I have realized that the conversation has begun to sound quite strange. It is still true, but sounds strange, which kinda makes me laugh.
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Celestine Prophesy fan by any chance? 
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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It was more than one person. That has happened a few times with people I have met and got into relationships with. Some of them were just friendships, some became more than that. One of them was my wife. I'm a little confused, again, then. You want to be with someone with whom you felt that "feeling that it was meant to be," and you felt that with your wife. I thought the problem was it was wrong to try to get you two in love because you had never felt that, but now you say you have. What exactly would be the problem with getting the two of you to fall in love, so you can feel that "meant to be" feeling all the time?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It's the honesty requirement, markos.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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