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i have an order of protection against my husband. i want to reconcile our marriage. he said he is willing to do marriage counseling and everything else i asked for (he was having an emotional affair with the neighbor) but his actions are screaming otherwise.
Me 29
WH 35
M on 1/14/06
D4 & S2.5
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oh the OP was because he threatened me, "if you ever leave with the kids again, i will make you pay and hurt you so bad you won't even know it. and then i will go after your family."
Me 29
WH 35
M on 1/14/06
D4 & S2.5
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and i had left previously because he was having an emotional affair, which i had already confronted him about the relationship and he decided to continue firting. so i told him he needed to decide between his "friendship" with her, or me, his wife. and told him if he chooses me that he would need to give me access to all his email/phone/etc, that he would have to end all contact with her and enter into marriage counseling. so he said he would do those things and i came home. but not only did he not do ANY of those things, but he threatened me and my family as well.
Me 29
WH 35
M on 1/14/06
D4 & S2.5
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so i guess i should actually ask a question, i realize. Christmas is a few days away and i am getting word from his mother trying to guilt me into dropping the order, i am also getting word from a mutual friend using my desire to be a family, to drop the order. what should i do? i feel like i know that i should not drop the order, because i know he is not ready to truly work on our marriage. how do i know? because he told my friend "if she doesn't drop the order,then that means she wants a divorce". Any advice?
Me 29
WH 35
M on 1/14/06
D4 & S2.5
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Does the OW still live next door?
Is she married? If so, does her husband know?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How long married?
Any children?
What is your H's occupation?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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yep the OW still lives across the street. she USED to be MY friend until her and her husband separated, it was then that she latched onto my husband. I admit his emotional affair is partly my fault because I let him become the person she turned to for advice and in doing so, allowed them to become close.
We have 2 kids. A 4 yr old girl and a 2.5 yr old boy. it is probably important to note that our son has medical problems resulting in a feeding tube the last 2 yrs, which actually kept our marriage intact after H had a sexual encounter with a stripper while working out of town.
My H no longer works out of town and he is a manager for a restoration co
Me 29
WH 35
M on 1/14/06
D4 & S2.5
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oh the OP was because he threatened me, "if you ever leave with the kids again, i will make you pay and hurt you so bad you won't even know it. and then i will go after your family." This is not someone I would touch with a 10' pole unless and until he made a dramatic 180 turn. Do you have any evidence he has made a dramatic and deep personal change? If not, I wouldn't let him close. He sounds like a punk who is very detructive. And secondly, if he does make a dramatic personal change, you could not reconcile and still be neighbors with the skanky OW. Living next to her would just lead to a repeat affair. If your MIL cared about you and your kids at all, she would not be asking you to let her son have a second chance to abuse you. I would not allow the MIL to manipulate you into letting him come home out of guilt. He is not with his family because of his scummy behavior and for no other reason.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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he violated the OP wthin 20 min of being served and spent the night in jail. when he got out he called me violating again, but after having the sherrif ofc call him, i found out he was trying to get ahold of my step-dad fo advice. my SD is very involved with his church and has been through affairs and divorce also. anyway, my SD asked me if i was ok with him talking to my H an he told me that he would only offer help/advice if he did a couple things first (one was read some bible verses and tell him where h fell short as a H and a F and i don't know what the other was) at first it seemed that H was on board, but now im not so sure because it was just last night that he said if i didnt lift the order that it meant i wanted a divrce
Me 29
WH 35
M on 1/14/06
D4 & S2.5
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was just last night that he said if i didnt lift the order that it meant i wanted a divrce Um, no. Your WH doesn't get to determine what the OP is for. It's an OP, plain and simple. It doesn't mean you want to D, it doesn't mean you want to reconcile. It is a protective order. He is bullying you. Don't allow him to do that.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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it's all so frustrating. H has no patience. i understand we both need to make changes in order to begin reconciliation, but H's changes need to be proved to the mediator he chose first. Is that unreasonable of me? H was the one that aggreed to the terms SD set. if he has no patience to do so, i have to hold him accountable until H says "No, I'm not going to do it" in which case, I believe there may not be any way for reconciliation to happen.
Me 29
WH 35
M on 1/14/06
D4 & S2.5
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it's all so frustrating. H has no patience. i understand we both need to make changes in order to begin reconciliation, but H's changes need to be proved to the mediator he chose first. Is that unreasonable of me? H was the one that aggreed to the terms SD set. if he has no patience to do so, i have to hold him accountable until H says "No, I'm not going to do it" in which case, I believe there may not be any way for reconciliation to happen. I would hold your ground. And keep in mind that it will not work at all as long as you live next to the OW.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do not reverse OP. This is for worst case. Typing from mobile. Will be on in a bit to spell out case. You are in Plan B. Read up. Figure out your conditions WS must meet to try and Recover marriage.
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moving isn't a very good option for us, unless his Co opens an ofc in another state. i know she hasn't been making her house payments, but who knows how long it will take to foreclose, plus i also know she has inheritance so she can pay on house if she wants to. our mort. is extremely reasonable and if we moved we would definately be paying more for a smaller house or even an apartment. on top of that, we are already 86 mi from our sons doctors and up until 3 weeks ago, he had a feeding tube. H did say we could move, this he told a mutual friend. does eveyone feel like they have to leave the house where the bad stuff happened?
Me 29
WH 35
M on 1/14/06
D4 & S2.5
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LRK--so sorry you're going through this, many other people will have good advice. I'm still new at this and struggling also.
I will say, though, the feeling of needing to leave the house where all the bad things happened is normal. I have heard this will fade in time, also. It's common at first to want to remove everything that reminds you, emotionally, of anything negative. It's common for BS's to willingly forgo everything in a divorce, simply because "they don't want to be reminded of WS" and other similar things. This is often not a good decision though. Of course, your situation is much more complicated since OW was a neighbor...
In my case, if my WW and I reconcile, it will be extremely tough for me to live in the house, and use the bed, where they slept while the A was occurring.
Hang in there, you're not alone.
BS: Me, 27
WS: Her, 24
EA: October
PA: 11/22/10
Moved out 12/3/10
Moved back in mid-January.
In tentative recovery. Is that the sun I see, breaking through the fog?
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does eveyone feel like they have to leave the house where the bad stuff happened? Yep, this is very normal. AS IT SHOULD BE. You are living in a crime scene. It can be emotionally damaging to remain in that place. I would suggest you definitely move. In my sitch, one of my recovery requirements was for FWH to sell the car we owned where all the 'deeds' of the A were carried out. I'd sell the house in a heartbeat.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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In my case, if my WW and I reconcile, it will be extremely tough for me to live in the house, and use the bed, where they slept while the A was occurring. And no one would fault you for an instant, Stuck, if you chose to move. Your home is a crime scene.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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i don't want to leave my house, luckily it all occurred at OW's house. this house has more good in it than bad, in my eyes. but he is ready to just let the house go  we have a court hearing tomorrow i was just notified of, he filed to have the OP lifted. God, I pray the judge does not grant it. Any advice?
Me 29
WH 35
M on 1/14/06
D4 & S2.5
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If you give up on your OP and your WS continues to be abusive if can be tough to get it reinstated. Also if his abusive behavior continues all the way through divorce, custody may become an issue. I seriously ask you to consult an attorney about this.
What are your specific requirements for you to close down your Plan B and go into recovery?
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first H has to complete the terms he agreed to when he sought help from my SD.
then it is end all contact with OW and any other women he has flirtations with.
enter into counseling for his anger and impulse disorders
give me access to his media accounts and phone records, for the work phone too if possible.
put me on his new bank account he opened (he did this about 2 months ago, red flag much?)
and enter into marriage counseling.
Thats it. seems simple and rational to me
Me 29
WH 35
M on 1/14/06
D4 & S2.5
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