so it turns out im very sensitive to changes in tone. some i perceive as yelling, when apparently it isn't actually yelling. but still, to me, a change in tone usually becomes louder or softer, and if you are expressing anger or frustration, well, to me it is yelling. am i just too sensitive? maybe. but you know what, that's all i know. my parents only ever yelled at us if we were about to get hurt, etc. but when being punished we were never yelled at, the angry "tones" were enough. so i guess to me, that is why it is yelling.

L2L, I find your posts very troubling. This is not a manipulative relationship it is abusive.

All the red flags are there.

You can not reason with an abuser and you cannot save him.

The best plan for you is Plan B. No Contact at all unless he meets your terms. He talked the talk but now is not taking action. Actions speak louder than words.

He promised to go to counseling, promised anything to wedge his foot back in the door and then boom back to his old ways.. WHY? Because you allow it.

I know you have young children and it is scary but protect them and yourself. You are the role model for your children. Most emotional abuse turns to physical abuse in time. Until he shows you a positive plan shut the door on him. Finish your degree now so you can find a job that will financially support you. Work on yourself and your needs.

I am not saying it is impossible to save your M but you need to set the bar high for what your expectations are for a GREAT M and do not accept anything less. Listen to the vets here. They will help you.



You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:

Is jealous or possessive toward you.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)

Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.

Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.

Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.

Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.

Abuses drugs or alcohol.

Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)

Blames you when he or she mistreats you.

Has a history of bad relationships.

Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.

You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.

Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.

Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.

Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.

Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.

You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.

You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

Just in your few posts I can see the

Blessings.

we both had counsling sessions today, he is about to get out of his any minute. luckily, found a christian counselor who seems to follow along with MB concepts. hopefully this will help. in the mean time, i am 2 classes from entering into the nursing program here in maricopa county! yay me!

return of the a-hole...order of protection was dropped yesterday per my request. things were going well with counsling. h had asked that i bring home our guns which i had taken to my dads when i had the order put in place. my dad wouldnt give them back. i dont blame him, he still doesnt trust H. H threw a fit and knowing that the OP was coming off that afternoon, H has decided that now he is going to take back the control I had while the order was in service. or try to anyway. he now says "we are done doing things your way and now we are going to do them my way" he insists that this is all my mess and I have to "fix it". well i have been trying and i told him i need his help, cooperation and patience because it isnt going to be fixed in a blink of an eye. to which he throws at me "we you did it in a blink of an eye" H told me he doesnt trust that i will be home when he gets off of work. and he is afraid im going to leave everytime he says something i dont like. he even brought up his ex saying "we were so passionate about eachother because we would fight, screaming and a yelling, but after 2 hours things would be sorted through and worked out" i was disgusted he used the word passionte. i told him, i am not her. and i cant argue like that. i just cant that is not me. he also feels i put him second to my family. because i turn to my family when i need emotional support to deal with the things going on in our marraige. of this i am guilty. but i cant discuss with him because he constatnly interrupts and turns things around and berates me. his solution? he has now banned my family from our home. how effed up is that? and of course, i am a stay at home mom, with no income of my own. the car needs a battery and an oil change. i have a counseling session tongiht (he was asked to come, but he has said he will do nothing i have asked until he has the guns back, so he wont be there) and i have a doctors appt on friday all of which he told me to have my dad pay for because he is not going to. wth am i supposed to do? so much for starting school next month to get those 2 classes taken care of so i can enter into the nursing program. why is he so effed up? what am i missing that i dont understand when he is trying to explain? i take that back he isnt explaining anything, just blaming. what am i supposed to do to get him to turn the blame off? because he doesnt see any of my resoning and if he doesn, he doesnt believe me anyway. example with the guns, he now says that since i didnt bring them home or "put up a fight and call the cops on my dad" that means i sold them. i said i didnt he said "prove it" so i grabbed my phone to text my dad to ask him to send a pic, but when he asked what i was doing and i told him, he told me not to. so he wants me to prove it, but then doesnt allow me to do so. so i told him "you asked me to prove it and i was going to, but kept me from doing so". he believes i am going to leave him, but im not, though at times i think i should. so i asked him if he wanted me to leave. and his response was "i don't care" i said how are we supposed to work this out and use counsling and mb if you dont care? i am so frustrated