I then told WH that this place has great cheesecake and I am going to have a slice and ask him would he like a slice also and its on me. I was so nervous and I am sure I left out some things. WH is blaming OW only for their A. We ate are desert and he just stared at me the whole time because I was smiling and talking about how cold it was and who he wanted to be in the Superbowl. He then ask me when was I coming home. I told him to call me when he is ready to tell me the complete truth and said to him Good Night and walked out. I got into my car and started crying so hard. I can't believe how calm I was and I made myself eat. Tell me guys, what did I do wrong because I feel like I didn't say enough to WH?

Well, vivi, I for one think you did a great job. That had to be so difficult for you!

Your WH is in a bit of a jam now, isn't he. He knows he's busted. He knows he can't lie his way out of this, but it looks like he's going to try his darnedest to play you.

Don't buy into it. You told him you wanted to hear from him when he was ready to tell you the whole truth. He'll eventually do that if he realizes that you aren't going to back down.

Work on your requirements. What are your requirements for allowing your WH back into your life and marriage? Have these listed and make them solid and non-negotiable. You need to set the bar high. If you make it too easy for him you'll certainly be dealing with a false recovery. He is a very stubborn wayward and will need to be pushed to his knees, I suspect. Do not back down.

A few things I would suggest, for starters:
1. Obviously NC and a NC letter
2. MOVE FROM THAT HOUSE
3. WH is not to leave the house without you - no trips to WalMart for milk, etc.
4. Apologize to POSOW's father for his grievous violation of that man's daughter

.....further proof that you are A-Maz-Ing! WTG Vivi!!!

Extraordinary Precautions

Vivi,

You did great and you said just enough as your WS is still taking NO responsibility for his choices.

You let him know you have proof and he has some thinking to do. Please click on the above link to give you an idea of what needs to happen for recovery.

Set the bar high.

I agree with maritalbliss on what you need to start with.

Best wishes, that was a great start.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I think you did very well for what you have been through.
Still lying about it huh?

I guess that is normal...for a WW.

Have you backed up that boyfriends case at work yet? I understand your WH got him in trouble for disclosing this A, I hope you backed him up now.

Now you need to come up with a list for taking him back. I like most suggestions here.
They should be simple and easily definable.
Not "stop lying" but "stop lying about the A".

Keep us posted what you are thinking.

u guys have made me feel so good about myself and I can't thank u enough!! I mean this from the bottom of my heart I could not have done this without the people on this thread giving me strength and hope. As far as her exboyfriend, I still has his back all the way. This young man feels so bad for me but he knew that I needed to know given the fact I was taking care of the babies while OW was with my WH. This little girl is out of her rabbit mind just like my WH. Who does mess like that. I wanted to ask u guys do I wait for WH to call me and write the NC letter. My bar will be sit high before I will consider going back. When WH said it wasn't his fault the A happen I was thinking to myself What did u trip and accidently fell on top of her? I know this is just the beginning!

I Love these Requiremets

Great job! You got your two main talking points across:

1. I don't believe you.
2. I am in charge of this interaction.



Here is what I recommend next, send him a text and just say, "Had a nice time w/u. :)" Just a single, tiny positive interaction.

If he brings it up in conversation, I would also be very open with him that you are planning to move with or without him, and you hope he comes along. As with any R talk, don't bring it up yourself as a general rule, but be ready with bright, perky answers.

A few days down the road, you might consider meeting with him again, this time to ask for his input on your new city of residence. You would need to have your homework done ahead of time, real estate listings for each area you're considering, several homes in each one that you would consider looking at, etc.

Since you hope he comes with you, his input is important, but as long as he's in the A, you cast the deciding vote. You may try to model POJA with a wayward, and that's fine, but ultimately for important decisions that affect your healing, you have to do what's best for you.

I would not consider anyplace that wasn't at least several hours away, and preferably more. This A is highly entrenched, and it would be a mistake to underestimate that. A full day's drive (or more) would be best.

So send that text, get out a map, and start looking around.

Neak Thanks for the information. You are so right about moving. That house is no longer a home to me.

OW ex-boyfriend called last night. My WH is trying to have him fired. I told him he is no longer your boss so how can he do that. he told my WH is telling his boss(BF) to fire him because of lateness and texting during business hours (BF said he only text during lunch) BF said he lost his cool and told my WH you are only messing with me because u are sleeping with my GF (ex)in front of BF new boss. MY WH called security to have him escorted from the site but instead BF wanted to go to HR and was told no and to have over his ID badge. Do u guys think I sure go to my WH boss and tell him the situation. I want to protect this young man as much as I can He does not deserve this at all. Once again WH has lost his Rabbit Mind!

WH needs to grow up and start acting like an adult. You got caught and now deal with it or do I need to give WH a pacifer

You need to defend this young man to your best ability. For heavens sake, he helped you. He is a victim in this.

Who is going to pay support for these "god children" if boyfriend (the closest thing they know to a father) has lost his livelyhood? That is NOT your problem, (I know) but I fail to see your WH position on this.
Is he going to be "big daddy"?

Immediately contact HR, boss or whoever can help him and state the facts.

You do not have to give your opinion of the matter, but the truth is the truth. At some point in this ridiculous mess, someone has to stand up with the truth.

Your WH may be disciplined (for "attacking" this youn man)
BUT THAT is his fault.

At least give this boyfriend the tape. Let him defend himselef.

That way you can stay out of it. (the direct dealing with the company)

Absolutely do what ever you can to protect this man. I believe just handing BF the tape won't be enough. He needs somebody on his side. Go to HR and give them the tape yourself. Explain the sitch, your WHs behavior towards you recently and why thoings are the way they are. I believe BF has every right to go to HR regardless if he has been released or not. How can they keep him away legally? If he is released he will need support for wrongful termination. Give him whatever could help him. JMHO.

Don't just leave this poor young man alone. This is your chance to further exposure and take back even more power, all in one shot. No doormat for you!

There is an EGREGIOUS wrong being perpetrated by WH, and that stupid person is helping him without even bothering to find out the facts. YOU CAN STOP THIS!!!!!

Here is what you do:

1. Write and call the highest person you can at the company, either the president or the regional manager.
2. In the phone call say, "I am afraid that your company is going to face a massive lawsuit unless someone in authority takes immediate action. My husband has been having an adulterous affair with the girlfriend of one of your employees. I have a video that proves this is true. My husband is using his position to illegally harass and accuse this young man, and some of your other managers are going along with it. What are YOU going to do to protect your company from being exposed by more and more litigious offenses?"
3. The letter should be very short.
Sir or Madam,
My husband has been carrying on an adulterous affair with the girlfriend of John Smith, one of your other employees. I have a video of the two of them engaging in intercourse that proves this beyond any doubt.
My husband has used his position at your company to harass and verbally abuse John Smith. Now, with the complicity of his boss, Adam Jones, he is trying to have this young man fired over his own false accusations.
How do you think it will look for your company to face the inevitable lawsuit, and have that sleazy video entered into evidence that shows the sexual basis for this foul miscarriage of justice? I have every confidence that you want better for the company than that, which is why I am urgently bringing this to your attention while there still may be a chance to handle this more quietly.
A copy of the tape is at your disposal should you request it.
Sincerely,
Vivi Smith

ITA with Neak

Dr.H advises lettin the consequences of the A fall directly on the shoulders of the A parntners. You are in no way to feel guilty or responsible for the fall out of telling the truth.

Jobs are so hard to come by, and a discipline/firing for this young man WILL BE a mark on his employee history.

It is not like it was 20 years ago. (Walk from one job onto another). Jobs are scarce, backgrounds are taken into serious consideration. This is such and injustice! This poor guy is getting it on all sides.

That's what I wanted u guys to say--either way Iam helping this young man in every way I can. I my WH boss very well and his wife works with my WH. I have already called him this morning and will talk to him this afternoon. He has already called the young man (BF is off today) and told him not to worry about his job. I was so upset this morning I told him everything on the phone. WH boss told me he had seen him out with OW and he introduced her as are daughter and that we were the Godparents of her 3 kids. He was like what in the heck is wrong with him. I told him he needs to take care of this young man by any means.

It might be the case that the supervisor of her BF has no idea that the affair is happening. Your WH may very well have gaslighted that supervisor as well. Call the supervisor of the BF, tell him directly that you have the video tape and that your WH is trying to harass the BF in order to get rid of him because of the affair. Offer a copy of the tape if necessary to back up your claim (the offer alone will likely convince the supervisor). Apologize to the supervisor of the BF, saying that you are sorry that he has been placed in the middle of a very difficult position

and that as a result HE COULD BE SUED.

Say those words "you could be sued because of what my husband has done, because he has lied to you about his affair and about the girl's boyfriend".

What this does????

It automatically puts the supervisor on YOUR SIDE.

You give the supervisor a way out, by providing him an alibi for a potential lawsuit! You are telling him that he could play "stupid" - he could say that the WH lied to him, he didn't know, that he only found out because you told him.

It may or may not be true, but you can help him out of a pinch by bringing up the lawsuit angle, either way.