I have been doing Plan A with my WW since around Dec 5th, but I was wondering how long Dr Harley recommends this plan when it is implemented concerning a WAW/WW? The affairs were exposed around Dec 5th, and as far as I know they have all stopped. I am not foolish enough to blindly believe anything, so I keep up my information gathering plan, and I keep using the Plan A carrot and stick while not using any love busters. I kinda remember reading some post saying that women cannot handle more than around 6 weeks of plan A, but I am not sure. I have my Plan B waiting in the wings just in case it is needed. Thanks for all the great posts and the wealth of knowledge that I have gained here.
17m4,
As others have told you, Dr. H recommends Plan A for BHs to last approx. 6 months (unless of course it succeeds in breaking the affair earlier). He recommends a much longer Plan A if necessary for BHs than for BWs for 2 reasons:
1) The idea that
generally men are �emotionally stronger� and can keep it together and endure the pain of interacting with a WS for a longer period of time (this may or may not be true for you personally).
2) WW-affairs are
typically more heavily emotionally invested in their OPs & more �checked-out�/disconnected from their marriages and thus are harder to break (this is, I�m afraid, almost universally true unless the affair is caught VERY EARLY).
Dr. H notes than Plan A alone is successful in breaking the affair only about 15% of the time (I suspect it�s considerably less than 15% for emotionally-addicted WW-situations) and Plan B becomes necessary at some point. Whatever that point is completely individualized and up to the BS. As you have been advised, it is better to go to Plan B early than �melt-down� and undo whatever positive seeds you may have been able to plant in Plan A beforehand.
I hope you did a NUCLEAR EXPOSURE and swung the �stick� of Plan A to its fullest because so often breaking an emotionally addicted WW-affair depends greatly on how much pressure you can exert on the OM. Your exposure must endanger something the OM values (his marriage, family, career, etc.) because you need the OM to DUMP your WW. Yes, it does occasionally happen, but it is very rare for an emotionally addicted WW to unilaterally/voluntarily end an affair with a willing OM, no matter how good your �carrot� is.
You mentioned that the affair is over �as far as you know�. While I hope you are correct, this does not sound encouraging to me. What do you base this on?
Has she sent the OM a NC letter that you pre-approved of?
Have you verified this with someone reliable on the OM�s side (i.e. his BW)?
Is your WW being an �open book� by allowing you to see her whereabouts and communications?
Is she planning/discussing moving back home?
Is she showing any consistent and sincere remorse and repentance?
If not, then you are correct to remain very skeptical and to continue snooping (and exposing) if necessary. It is not uncommon (i.e. the dreaded �false recovery�) for these affair to �take a break� or �go underground� for a while till the heat dies down and then re-ignite down the road. ABSOLUTE & PERPETUAL NC is a must and your WW needs to demonstrate genuine empathy and making-of-amends to even begin a real recovery�
