RR

I think being in NC with your wife would be detrimental. She needs your loving reassurance that you are there for her, although you won't be pressuring her. (With sensitive people, pressure leads to anxiety.)

My stbx has been NC with me since I left. Our marriage is pretty broken and will most likely lead to divorce, but with NC D is pretty much a done deal.

Marital Bliss,
Thank you for your insight. I agree with what your saying, its logical and makes sense Dr Harleys Program. Thanks for all the input you have been giving me..It helps.
Regards,
RR

Skyblue,
thank you so much, it really apprears that you and my wife are cut from the same cloth. You are validating my thoughts, though i dont have an exact plan of attack as of yet. I am working on it, i just dont want to blow this if there is any kind of chance at saving my Marriage.

Your posts, are warm and reassuring, and make me feel good about doing the right things.

I appreciate you very much, thanks for taking time our of your life to help me better mine.

Thanks
RR

I hope all goes well with you RR. Divorce is truly horrible. Much much worse than one imagines it to be.

Willing to watch and see what happens here.

My prediction will be that his wife is a WW.

When a wife say's go ahead I won't mind that you get a little something on your own it's because they have been getting it from an OM.

This eases the WW guilt because you are getting laid on the side now as well. WW got her BH to sink down to her level. WW gets the BH to trhough away their moral high ground.

The old kettle calling the pot black.

I don't want to badger you, or try to beat this into your head. In fact, I'm hoping the premonitions of all the posters who smell infidelity - myself included - are DEAD WRONG.

However, don't dismiss the possibility, even if your snooping turns nothing up.

As you say, your lives were intertwined enough that you pretty much had things under your nose. She may have learned exactly how to not leave a trail.

The main reason you need to not dismiss it, is because if you are successful, even if your snooping turns up nothing, when you build new romantic love, it may come out.

Infidelity is more common than divorce, more common than walk-away-wives. It's simply more attractive to have your cake and eat it, too - than it is to start all the way over.

Also, based on her pattern of behavior, "Mommy" could very well be enabling her daughter's behavior.

Even considering all of this; while she tells you that she is "done," the fact that this is a pattern of behavior really relinquishes any sympathy in my view. This isn't her "not settling" for an unhappy marriage. This is a manipulative game and temper tantrum.

Yes, maybe she is "not settling" but she is exhibiting a pattern of running away whenever there is a problem, rather than speaking honestly and facing them.

It's great that you are owning your own poo, but it's really easy to smell it when someone buries you neck deep in it, and really it's a two-poo party. She has some diarrhea to own up for herself.

RR,
The link is to a letter written by a husband who feels he lost love for his wife and Harley's response. Although your situations is a little different I think it has good advice on the importance of spending time together.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5044b_qa.html

I agree with MaritalBliss that you will only get overwhelmed researching different relationship books. The first three chapters of Relationship Rescue are great in understanding you own behaviors and I believe what McGraw writes about you can't get right with someone else if you're not right with yourself first. MB principles made the most sense to my marriage and the principles have worked fro us and I've seen it work for many who post here.

Here's another letter written that confirms you need to take it slow with your wife:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5012_qa.html


Are you 100% sure the trip your wife is taking is in deed with her parents - worth checking out (without her knowing).

Gg

Head Held High,
thank you so much for some more insight. I have made a call and she is in fact with her Daughters, mom and dad, and the rest of the family at the cabin as we speak. Confirmed an hour ago. I truly believe, as i analyze my personal behaviors that right now i have a Walk Away Wife. Now, totally agree that mom and dad are easily enabling her as they have done it twice over the last 4 years, once earlier during our marriage. Rather that find MB, which i didnt even attemp to look for, i just turned on the nice buy for a few weeks and poof she came home, i did turn on a lotta pressure though with that.

LoL i actually smiled at some of your funny analogies. Thank you ver much. Now she claims she left because she was not settleing for an unhappy Marriage. I am her 2nd one FYI. It would be impossible, based on the last 60 days for her to be having Affair, went back through everything. We were apart 3 nights for about 2-3 hours and i had the car. If someone would have pulled up, my neighbor would have called me, as he always thinks someone was breaking in, For what its worth. I am doing some additional snooping, but fear, i will come up with nothing. Though that is not to say, that at this point, she might not consider it, as in her mind, she is 100% done. As she asked me yesterday if i was ready to let her go.

These forums are priceless, and do help a Spouse keep some form of sanity, tyvm.

I am going to post up the 2 texts verbatim today that i got, and will love to see yours and some of the posters insights.

TYVM

RR

GG,
thanks again, i cannot say enough. I had read those letters both of them a few days ago, and re read them again just now as you gave me the links. I agree, taking it slow with no pain at this point is probably the best route. Yes i checked on the trip, with kids and parents confirmed today via phone. I have totally Bought in to MB principals today. Am trying to sell a few items on craigslist right now to book an Appt with Dr. Harly as soon as possible.

I am posting up the Text conversation from today...Your thoughts or insights, really appreciated.

Thanks again
RR

Todays update as of 1:30pm

We had a phone conversation yesterday lasting almost an 1 1/2 hours where i just listened and let her vent, this is the first time in a long time i can remember doing this.

Heres what happend today.

I sent the following text at 11:00
Good Morning, I really Appreciated your thoughts, feelings and insight yesterday. Have a Fabulous Trip!!! Thank You !!!


I then sent Text # 2 at 12:26pm
Dearest Wife, I care about you, your feelings and well being. No matter what happens, I am here for You and I care.



At 1:21pm this is the text that i recieved back from Wife
Thank you (myname) I hope you are having a nice day today. It was good to talk to you where i felt like i could be open and honest and you were listening. I really do just want you to find happiness. You deserve that and i know you work hard for that. I am confident you will find or achieve it someday.


My Final Text 45 minutes later after i thought about it, and I got no response back of any kind.

(HerName), if felt really good taking the time to Listen to you and Really hear what you were saying. I respect how you feel and what your going through. No matter what I am here for you and I Love You...

Ok thats todays conversation...On one side, if felt good, like a triumphant baby step. Which i know we are suppose to celebrate those small baby steps. She has not thanked me like that in years, as i am usually closed off. How does one look into things like this and when or how much communication is too much...

I am hoping this came across as No Pressure, and validating her feelings, and showing her i cared. (No IDEA) how its percieved by others here on the Boards.

All insight welcomed, and thanks to everyone helping me along my Journey with MB.

Kindest Regards,
RR

Is Part 2 from her to you?

Gg

GG,
this is what i recived from her...

At 1:21pm this is the text that i recieved back from Wife
Thank you (myname) I hope you are having a nice day today. It was good to talk to you where i felt like i could be open and honest and you were listening. I really do just want you to find happiness. You deserve that and i know you work hard for that. I am confident you will find or achieve it someday.

Your wife is saying "I care enough about you that it matters to me if you are listening to me" and at the same time says "I want you to find happiness someday even if it is without me." Which by the way is easy for her to do because she has mom and dad's protection.

If her parents were not alive and she didn't have their house
to run to - what would she do?

Ignore her remarks about you moving on. Work on your plan and don't txt to much - it will make you seem need and she won't like that.

Gg

@RR -

Listen to marital and gg615. Work your plan. BTW, what is your plan?

The language your wife is using sounds like wayward babble.


This is a standard "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

gg615 is exactly right! Don't pay attention to this. If your wife was done with you she already would have an attorney to file divorce and told you not to call her anymore.

So now your wife doesn't want to work anymore programs, what are you doing to save your marriage?

What are your wife's top 5 ENs?

Have you checked out Harley radio spots? You can also post question for Harley to answer on radio - more info in "Want Harley Advice" thread in Announcement forum on home page.

gg

Clark,
i have printed out all the material from Dr.Harley. Right now going into the end of week 3 since she left, i Found MB and felt like i had solutions. I am working on me directly, working on how i engage with Wife, and getting my life in order.

Started Exerecising 4 days ago, been saying i was going to do this for 2 years.

Unpacking 3 boxs a night, and putting things away into the new house.

Deciding if a career change, would create more stablitiy in my Marriage.
Lots of self Care right now...

and, I Just sold a few things a couple of hours ago, so i can schedule an APPT with DR Harley in the Morning. I am hoping they can fit me in prior to friday, so i can get a Concise Plan of how to proceed.

No matter what i am Committed to becoming the Very Best Husband Material i can. I know this does not happen over a week, a month, 6 months or a year. Its a work in progress, and i am enjoying the Journey, rather than focusing on the Destination. Am hoping the Final Destination is Reconciliation with my wife, and living a Healthy Happy Marrital Life.

Wifes top 5 EN's this is only my speculation, i am sure at this time, i dont have a good definition.
1-To feel loved and secure by unselfish acts of kindness. Like backrubs, cards, flowers on occassion...Physial contact without sexual intentions.
2-She says all the time, for me to be happy (not sure if this is the Giver in her or if i missed this EN)
3-To feel connected with family Priority #1 not Money.
4-To feel appreciated.....(I have failed here Miserably--I took her for massive Granted)
5-For the world to just be Kind and caring, she still believes that there is 100% good intentions with all humanity, and that people say she lives in a dream world she does not believe them. <----I would tell her all the time this is not reality, Not the real world.

Clark, did i miss the mark above....Some of those now that i am looking do not look like EN..

Thanks for you input and thoughts, and am open to any thoughts you have.

Clark-I really appreciate your time

RR

TY GG, just sold a few items, and called Dr. Harleys office. Hoping to get an appt with him before the weeks end.

My, how yourself, and so many others give of their time and insight so freely. I wish i would have found MB prior to the walk out wife. For now, all i can do is work on me, and do the best to repair the damage i have done.

Thanks again for all your kindness

RR

A few things;

1) Being her doormat is not serving either of you in any fashion, period, and never will.

2) With some of what she's spewing, I suggest you look up "reverse fog babble." She really is babbling.

3) Hello? How many times has she done this again? 3 times? Screw that noise! You are feeling all bad? Please! She's manipulative.

4) Hmmmmm.... she walked away from one marriage, can't be too hard to make up a pile of crap and run away again.

Plan A, but... dude, grow a spine.

I've seen this before, too. My sister is has as many marriages as she has decades of life. Every time there is a problem, she runs away. She's already done it once to her current husband, packed up her [censored] and hid out.


Ladies, no excuses. This is both manipulative and abusive, I don't care what your freaking reasons are.

@RR -

Are you committed to saving your marriage?


@RR stay focused on the prize. Committing to saving your marriage. If in two years your divorced, then start looking down the road.

I ask again what is your wife's top 5 ENs

Clark,
Absolutely, Unequivicalablly, am committed 100% to saving my Marriage. Right now i am the only dog in the fight. I know i can work on me every day... Here the EN'S i edited them in for you..so not sure if they are right or not...

Wifes top 5 EN's this is only my speculation, i am sure at this time, i dont have a good definition.
1-To feel loved and secure by unselfish acts of kindness. Like backrubs, cards, flowers on occassion...Physial contact without sexual intentions.
2-She says all the time, for me to be happy (not sure if this is the Giver in her or if i missed this EN)
3-To feel connected with family Priority #1 not Money.
4-To feel appreciated.....(I have failed here Miserably--I took her for massive Granted)
5-For the world to just be Kind and caring, she still believes that there is 100% good intentions with all humanity, and that people say she lives in a dream world she does not believe them. <----I would tell her all the time this is not reality, Not the real world.

Clark...does this give you insight. She is amazingly sensitive to people, things, nature, writing...very soft spoken, non confrontational, wants everyone to be happy at all times, and dislkes seeing anyone feel bad.

Waiting paitently for your response.. TY Clark

RR