If it is of any support WE don't believe her either!
TELL HER you don't believe her. Actually you CAN'T believe her, because any "trust" necessary to support "belief" is well shattered and gone.
TELL HER that the passwords to her cell, e-mail, FB, etc, are necessary to VERIFY and PROVE that NC is in place. She won't give them to you if she's still in contact. You won't need to guess any longer.
I wrote earlier you are going to have to go to war on this. Can you do that?

These are useful emotions to fuel your commitment and energy to fight through this, but here are two other things to consider.
- "Hurt" and "mad" are not the reasons to fight through the situation. The only real reason is that you value your marriage, and the prior love you shared with WW. I'm not hearing that clearly from you, so I thought I'd mention it.
- Do not let "hurt" and "mad" guide your actions (especially with an alcoholic WS - remember the bogus DV complaint warning). Logical and effective planning and action will be the only way through. THAT'S what this site provides better than any other place you'll find.
Hang in there.

Well, of course you don't believe her. She has demonstrated that she is not a person to trust or believe.

You will need to get your snooping ramped up, Mardi.

For starters:

Keylogger: www.spectorpro.com Get the eblaster.

Voice-Activated Recorder (VAR): Check Radio Shack. Go for the $50-70 one. In your sitch, this may be your best snooping tool, so don't waste money on the cheapest model - the reception isn't good.

I would try this before I would try to discuss your doubts with her. And do not tell her you are doing any of this!

Of course, I didn't miss that you don't want to 'police' her. If that's the case, then by extension you don't want to do the heavy lifting that is going to be required in order to save your M, IMO. If that's the case just say the word and I'll go quietly away.

Yes I do want to save our marriage it's just frustrating to be the only one.
On top of everything now I have to try to win her back &she is getting everything she wants.
I know if she doesn't let me have her codes again that that means she is still in contact.
I have alot going on with all the kids & her been sick that I'm very tired & I just want things to be ok again & it seems like I'm going to have to do even more work while she just sits around & has her affair.
I thought they they say most affairs end with in 5 or 6 months & I don't like the person she has become shes mean & ugly acting & selfish
That's not very attractive to me.

Two things:

1 - I'm not familiar with the "they" you are quoting, but no, many (can't speak to "most") affairs have long legs if the conditions are favorable. The WS gets some EN's satisfied by the AP, and retains the security of "ol' reliable" at home. This situation, if not among the few in which secrecy is maintained, requires the aquiescence of a fearful, ignorant, or indecisive BS.
2 - Dude, seriously you would even consider waiting this out? God in heaven! Strap on your man-pants, my friend. First read the thread I started in Marriage Builders 101 (http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457098#Post2457098) I did not know your situaton when I started it, but it sure fits your projected attitude.

This will NOT change unless you are the one to make it necessary for her to change.

You cannot be the only one. The first step is to kill the affair. Saving (or not) the marriage can only begin afterwards.

Are you ready yet?

Who is the OM? Is he married and have you contacted his wife? Does he have a facebook page?

I would do a nuclear exposure on his a** and make it very hard for him to continue his affair with your wife. I would pay that rat a visit every time he contacts your wife.

And that is not true that most affairs last 5 or 6 months. Most die in under 2 years, but if you don't kill it she will just go onto another affair. The longer she stays in her affair the more entrenched it becomes and the more likely she gets pregnant.

i think i have to go on to plan B nothing is getting done. she just doesnt see that im tring to save our marriage & wont give me access to all her email or phone. so that means A is still going on.

I hope you don't mind me being blunt, but here goes. You keep mentioning Plan A & Plan B and say you have exhausted A already.

It looks like you are new here so I'm wondering how much you really know about the Marriage Builders program? Have you read all the books completely, studied the forums and other posters, read and understood the website and have a very good grasp of what's going on in your life and how you can take charge and try to change it?

Are you sure you've tried a thorough, well executed exposure and Plan A? Because I'm not hearing it. Can you share the exposure letter or template you used for Facebook and Myspace friends? Have you contacted employers, sponsors, friends, co-workers, etc? Have you told your kids? What did you say?

You can't do any of this halfway -- it's all or nothing. And when you do nothing (or not everything) you're basically telling her "I don't mind you seeing the OP, have fun and try not to get pregnant. I'll be here for when you get back."

I'm also not sensing the motivation and drive necessary to take the reins and bring this to a better place. I've read in these forums that infidelity can feel worse than losing a child. This is an awful place to be, but you must be strong enough to lift yourself out of it.

How long have you tried an approved MB plan A?
What *exactly* have you done and for how long?
What were the results?

I'm just not feeling that you fully understand what's going on around you, and I'm not sensing that "I'm going to fight for my marraige no matter what it takes" attitude.

Ok I told all the family members & kids & co workers & people at school,
I told sponsor & most of the people from aa that we know -except some of her new friends - her nurse & dr. & therapist knows. I didn't post a Facebook letter yet & now i cant get into her Facebook page anymore or her emails. Don't have a keylogger but if she won't give me passcodes & access to them it must mean the affair is still on - didn't tell OM family members - mothers dead & father is is Florida & is not married - what else can I do?

Expose to his family

How long have u been in plan a?

Do you still have love for her?

Plan b is only to protect that little love you have if are feeling that it is slipping and your about to go to plan FU then by all means go to plan b

But if you feel you can plan a her for a few more weeks then do it

Om's family's mother is dead & father is in Florida -should I post a letter on my Facebook site -I asked her to give me all the pass-codes & she isn't willing & we have no money it's all going it bills & the mortgage & credit cards- I told her that if she can't brake off the A we will have to get a divorce & she will have to move out.
I don't think I can win her back she is to far gone & OM has much more to offer her & the thought of spending less time with her kids doesn't seem to bother her that much.
All I have to offer is the day to day grind of raising kids & house hold responsibility's
I'm not exciting enough & she isn't interested in the things I like - so plan A was in place for about a couple of weeks & then I found out she was in contact & I can't be affectionate with her if she isn't with me & now I'm weepy & cranky most of the time so who would want to hangout with me anyway

"Weepy & cranky" is proably not going to do the job.

"Firm & consistent" is a better match for "drunk & cheating".

This may be the time to hit her with the bomb: Lawyer up and file for divorce on the basis of adultery, mental cruelty, abandonment, and irreconcilable differences. Demand full custody and support payments.

No!!! Don't post anything on FB, that will backfire and does not serve the purpose you intend. What you do is find "friends" of WW and OM, write down a list of their "friends" who might be close friends or who may be relatives. Then, you send a "message" to each of them through their FB page telling them who you are, that your WW is having an affair with OM and then ask for their help or suggestions. There is a template around here somewhere that will give you a good idea about what to say in your message in such a way that you won't come off looking vindictive or a nutcase.

all ready posted something on facbook. i dont have her on as a friend anymore so she wont see it-how does it back fire-everyone was saying expose the affair

Yes, full, nuclear, exposure to those targetted folks who would be in a position to bring displeasure and discomfort to the WW. Posting it publically isn't advisable. It seems somehow ..... spiteful.

That might not be the right word, but your exposure should be in the mien of "WW is making an awful mistake, and I want you to know the truth. I'd also like your assistance in convincing her to give up her infidelity, and return to, to work on, our marriage." I doubt that's how your public broadcast will come across.

I did say they she is have an affair & won't end it to work on our marriage & I just talked to her tonight & I don't think she ever had any intentions of end the affair or will she & she knows I've wanted to save our marriage.
I don't think she wants to save our marriage

That may be so; it would not be unique that a WW deep in "the fog" is so preoccupied with the "rush" of her new relationship that the idea of working to save her marriage is not attractive.

But is she ready to have you begin dismantling the marriage?

There's a difference, you see, between her blithe acceptance of a damged, non-functional (for you) marriage, and the abject lack of any "home-base" to ground her other requirements when she's not busy playing "hide the sausage" with OM.

Not sure of your locale, with its accompanying legal structure, but in any case you do have control of some things about which she might have more regard than the esoteric concept of "marriage".

FINANCES - Grab at least half of every dollar (pound, ruble, whatever) from any and all accounts and transfer them NOW into accounts solely under your control. Once they're in your hands, you may have to release some to her. Wouldn't that be preferable than hat-in-hand asking her to release some to you?

SELF-PROTECTION - Get a VAR, and have it with you and on at all times. She's not likely to suffer your actions gladly, and will possibly try the old "unsupported domestic abuse" complaint. Given the putrid state of the law-enforcement community in the western world, she will entangle you in that so strongly, you'll be unable to attend to the rest of this list.

HOME - DO NOT LEAVE IT! This is very important. search on this site for the tract on "Husbands, Don't Leave Your Home".

CHILDREN - Make it plain to her that your joint assets aged 9-6-4-7months are important to you, and will not be easily yielded. Start DOCUMENTING when, how long, and under what circumstances WW ignored her parental obligations for ANY reason (Let her prove she wasn't with OM.)

LEGAL - At least have a consultation with a Lawyer (the initial ones are usually free). Don't unecessarily hide this action from her.

RELATIONS - Keep them polite and proper. If (when, really) she starts to blow up (remember your VAR!) just repeat that your marriage is important to you and you are willing to do what it takes to try to convince her to help you repair it. But the sine qua non is that she stop all contact with OM.

Those of us here who have been through all (of part) of what you'll have to endure do not envy you the task. But we've come out the other side, and have enjoyed the results.

Mardigras, please get a hold of yourself and expose this affair in an intelligent way. Write messages to her family and friends and his family and friends on facebook telling them about the affair and asking them to use their influence to persuade them to end the affair. Just writing it on facebook is of little effect because few people will see it. Everyone should know of the affair, her parents, his parents, children, everyone.

This is your best weapon in killing the affair.

everyone knows about affair & i did post it on facebook in a way that i wanted to save our marriage. im going back to plan A to make sure i did it right & really need to just work on myself & get house happy & me happy again.
i did talk to lawyer & have now left it up to her if she wants to dismantle our marrige than she can file.
not sure on what time frame im looking at though maybe 2 to 6 months
i just have to keep control of myself because she is going to keep testing me all the way
it isnt over till its over
thanks everyone for all your help i really appreciate it

well im not sure if im doing plan A right but things have really calmmed down around here & im not sure if it is like the calm before the storm or just that things are ok right now.
im worried that she is planning something bad to hit me with & i know now she has just really been playing me so that i will get upset & say something crazy -she has been trying to make me crazy.
im just trying to bring happiness back to my family &work on myself.
i could use some advise -should i be worried or just sit back &see what happens