www.intelius.com Go to this website and type in his name. It will bring up info about him as well as associated names. Look for a female who is close in age. That'll more than likely be your girl.

Try sending messages to all his friends to find out how to get in touch with her. More than likely there are others that would like to help her.

In no way is he your friend. He is a wayward. They don't have friends. They have people that help enable their addiction.

What part of NC is he in?

None. He's left his poor wife for OW.

I asked because IMO it seemed like he wasn't a close friend and he isn't. You know him from grad school. Were you close friends then? How long did you know him in grad school? You haven't seen him in 4.5 years, I know I am not the same person I was 4.5 years ago and he is obviously not the same person you knew. Was he married when you met him? How was he talking about his BS before all this happened? When did he start talking negatively about her?

Writer1,

Just a few thoughts and some reorganization of thoughts already mentioned to you. Do you know the old saying "if you argue with a fool you will sound like one." If you debate this man on FB, you will look like you are on his level and you are not.

I, like Mel, really hate jerks who claim to be doing the right thing, but get very defensive if called on what they are doing. It makes my "German" boil (hi Mel, )

My thought would be to point out he seems awfully defensive for someone who thinks he is doing the right thing. I would point out that his behavior is hurtful to his wife and then simply defriend him on FB. You don't need a man of that caliber anywhere in your life.

I will end this by reminding you of something that is often told to BS's on this site. There is no rebuilding, there is no help, there is nothing they can really do UNTIL the affair is over.

You expressed your outrage at his behavior, you don't need to defend yourself, and other than pointing out to him the inconsistency of his defensiveness with his declared moral superiority all that is left to do is defriend him and tell him that if and when he decides to work on his marriage that he should contact you. He can do this by seeking to be your friend on FB for example or via the classmates page.

Make sure your H is online with all of this. You have done well to express your displeasure about his behavior and flaunting it. You really cannot help him until he seeks it.

Hope this helps.

JL

Actually, I haven't seen him in 2.5 years. I knew him fairly well for 2 years in grad school. It was a small class (there were 20 of us) so we were all fairly close. He got married about a month after we graduated, but they had been together for 6 years when they got married, so they were dating/engaged when we were in school. He started talking negatively about her soon after they moved from Boston to NC, about 6 or 7 months ago. The move was due to her job, and he was initially in favor of it, but after they got there, he wasn't happy at all.

No, he's still in NC with his wife. He's supposedly moving out in 5 days. He's in Asheville, but I'm not at all familiar with NC.

Thanks JL, it does help, a lot. And I'm definitely not debating him on FB. I only made a couple of comments letting him know how I feel about his actions and how hurtful they are to his wife, having been betrayed myself in the past. I know there's really not much more I can do at this point.

writer, as a BS, whose WH is still toally entrenched in his A, I would LOVE for some of his friends, any one of his friends, to say SOMETHING to him. I would love for ANYONE to stand up to him and tell him that what he is doing is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Actually, truth be told, I pray for it, twice a day, every day and have been for the last year.

You said your peace. When he brought up your own A, it showed that he was out just to harm you. Write him a message, telling him that if he ever wants to end his affair and attempt to save his marriage, you will be willing to point him in the right direction, but until then, good-bye. And then defriend him.

Help this poor BW. Be the better person.

I think deep down, you already knew what to do anyways. Why else would you wrote a thread about it?

Writer, I agree with Scotland as well. You might compose a message to him, maybe even a couple of comments from your DH if he is willing, but then I would go ahead and defriend him. For a couple of reasons. First of all, he's a man, and getting involved in a man's marital problems I think is a bad idea. I do not think you would do anything improper, but it would just be a good boundary. second, if this man is going to throw your past in your face for all the world to see...those are triggers and pain you don't need. Your first priority should be to protect yourself/your marriage. I would not be a FB friend of anyone who was going to mention my past A. That part of my life is over, my M is restored, and we don't need someone else trying to muck it up for kicks.

You can email me his info at stefffic at gmail dot com and I'll look them up in the Asheville phonebook and do some digging to find the wife.

writer, people who CARE about you will be truthful and up front. People who don't care will not be truthful because they don't care enough to risk your wrath. There is nothing "helpful" about remaining "friends" with someone who refuses to straighten up. Those people are just enablers. People who continued to engage me when I was wayward were little more than enablers and that is exactly how I viewed them when I sobered up.

A real friend will not hang around while I self destruct. A friend supports a friend when they GOOD, not when they are BAD. "Supporting" a friend when they are bad is not support, it is enabling. It is to say "I will accept you and associate with you ON ANY TERMS" and that is not helpful to that person.

Let me put it another way. I don't have any "friends" who would tolerate having a liar and an adulterer for a friend and that is exactly the way I want it. I don't want to be the "friend" of anyone who associates with such people because I question their judgement.

W1 -
I tossed my little grenade and then sat back for a bit to see who responded and what your comebacks were to those. It's clear that you are somewhat conflicted about your role in this situation, caught between two poles.

Pole 1 - the True Believer
This person wants to seek out and smite all infidelity infidels, bringing blazing light into the dark corners of their odious behavior. This person cares not for their returned flung mud, wipes it off and fires another salvo of the MB principles, daring them to do their worst. This person would have ended the communication with him by de-friended his cheating soul, and telling all the MFA classmates, the professors, and the BoD of the University exactly why. For simplicity, let's call this person MelodyLane.

Pole 2 - the Manager of His Own Actions
This person is no less a believer than that of Pole 1. The difference is, though he hates infidelity as strongly as anyone, he accepts that, OUTSIDE OF HIS RELATIONSHIPS, other people are no less blessed than is he to make good or poor choices, and unless asked for guidance, will NOT impose his beliefs on them, rejecting as he does any other person's authority to aritrarily control him. Let's call him NeverGuessed.

You want to be ML, but don't (yet?) have the necessary arrogance to reject the excrement flung back at you. If you did, your post would have been more of the line of "Well, let me tell y'all how I kicked his [censored], and how that slimeball tried to reply," not "Should I stop letting him be mean to me?"

Both ML and NG hew to the belief that there is no purpose to getting into a fight unless you plan to win it. ML just feels that every fight is hers.

Okay let's build a strawman.

You have a friend who wants to commit suicide.

Do you impose your beliefs and try to control him or do you let him do it?

I am a passionate person. When I am passionate about something, I will tell you what I think. If I don't give a darn about you, you won't even exist to me. I won't tell you that I believe what you are doing is wrong. I won't even look hard enough to notice.

I had an occasion a few months back to see a budding affair happen. It happened at the school where my children attend. A group of us, moms mostly, gossiped about it. We talked about how we thought that our "friend" was doing something horribly wrong. We talked about how disgusting it was. And one week later, I walked up to this "friend" and said, "What are you doing?" She THANKED me for doing this for her. I told her that that was what a TRUE friend would do. That a TRUE friend would not just gossip about her making the biggest mistake of her life but would try to help her see a way out. She, unfortunately has still not found that way out. The affair has been exposed to her BH. They are attempting to recover their marriage but they are going about it all wrong. And this "friend", I don't really talk to her anymore. I don't consider her someone I would like to associate with from now on.

I will also tell you that about 6 months ago, I looked through my FB friends and I found that some of these people had A's. I decided that I didn't want to be associated with them anymore and I deleted them. 10 less friends, but I felt much better knowing that I wasn't being a hypocrite. I bet those people have no clue why I deleted them, but if they were currently wayward, I WOULD have let them know.

You don't need to be mean about it. You will just be stating a boundary. "I will NOT associate with anyone who is CURRENTLY a unrepentant wayward." That is a boundary I don't mind keeping.

Fortunately, she doesn't feel that every fight is hers and picks her battles very carefully. In writer's situation, this "friend" of hers is flaunting his affair all over his facebook. One of the reasons he is so brazen about it is because no one will say anything. I can think of no greater act of kindness than to express her disgust - openly since he is flaunting it openly - so he understands how disgusting his behavior really is. Everyone around him is enabling him by sitting around twiddling their thumbs. That most certainly doesn't help her "friend."


Hopefully this fella, Neverguessed, is clever enough to understand that there is no virtue in remaining silent when wrongdoing is flaunted and rubbed in his face. Not that he could "impose his beliefs" if he even wanted to, but remaining silent in such situations only conveys endorsement. An endorsement that is helpful to no one, the adulterer and most certainly not the observers.

I'd only interfere if he owes me money......

I could assume if I learned of his attempt, that he wanted me to learn of it, and therefore was asking for my help.

Stop the pseudo-analysis crap, please. I'm not the one asking the questions about what to do. I'm not telling W1 what to do, only pointing out her options, which is a response to her original post.

I would sure like to hear exactly how one "imposes his beliefs" upon another person against his will? This phrase is typically used to describe someone who simply EXPRESSES an opposing opinion, which has nothing to do with "imposing" a belief. So I would like to hear exactly how that is achieved.