I feel good today. I got my STD test results back from the doc yesterday and I have nothing to worrie about. I also got my first test of life after exposure...

WW and I went to counselor and I put the last 3 years of OM on the table. I came up with 8 that I know about. I described what I know about each relationship and said I am done being a doormat. WW response to this was "I don't talk to half of those people anymore, and I have never had sex with any of them".

Counselor asked WW if she needs time to explore those relationships outside of M and WW said "No, she can stop at anytime." He said that there is no reason to return to his office as long as the relationships are continuing because he can not offer marital help to 3 people.

WW said she thinks I am building a case against her. Which may explain why she has been so good about being home at a normal hour the past few weeks.

I got my first look at life with an addict without their crack pipe. She said 2 words to me the entire way home, went to bed without a word, and had nothing to say today. She will not even look at me.

Is it wrong to feel good about this? Am I feeling good because her reaction was textbook to exposure? Am I feeling good because I took a stand for myself for once?

Feeling good cause you have a spine, and know you are in control of your life.....It really is nice isn't it!

Now keep that spine don't lose it.

No.
Yes.
Yes.

So Dr H. read between the lines on today's show and classified WW as an alcoholic and a sex addict. I do not disagree with this at all, I am just amazed that so many people (ML, Tom, Dr.H to name a few) can get that so quickly and I have lived with this woman for over 10 years and ignored it.

Plan B was also the recomendation... Which I was prepared for after ML advice. Relistening to the show gives me such little hope for a successful marriage to this woman. 40% of addicts are successful from rehab and almost all go kicking and screaming.

I guess it is time to put on my big boy underoos and get ready for the "get help or get out talk"

After exposing WW to MC on Monday she says I planned an attack for her and set her up and that MC is a quack... I guess she is saying that she doesn't like the advice he gave... I wonder how she would like Dr. H advice?

I guess it is time to put on my big boy underoos and get ready for the "get help or get out talk"

Oh wow! Is that you on the radio being called an "ENABLER" by Dr Harley??

Dr H also noted what a nice guy you are!

You are feeling good because you are not pretending like there is an elephant in the living room anymore. By doing so, you are taking back control of your life.

i didn't realize you were the same poster I posted to earlier and that you had just changed your name!


Can we help you with this? One of the most loving acts my XH made towards me was giving me an ultimatum: AA or the highway. He flatly said I could not live there if I ever drank again. In order to stay I also was required to go to 5 AA meetings a week. STARTING THAT DAY. He drove me to my first few meetings and sat in the parking lot with my kids in the car. And here I am 26 years later still sober. A little crazy still, but sober as a judge!

Yes, that was me. And I thought of you during the conversation. Almost all of what Dr. H. said was said by you as well as a few others during the first few days of my posting�.

Yes please!

I am enjoying taking a stand for myself and my family when I now openly discuss her adultery with her. It's on the table and I will not help to hide it under the rug anymore.

Alcoholism is still a slippery path because she has ALWAYS been so hyper sensitive to this topic. I am ready to say something like �You have an addiction problem, and if that is alcohol, or other men, or attention in general, our marriage has no chance of survival until YOU get control over this. I have tried to help you and make excuses for it over the last 9 years but I am not in a position to help you and if you are unwilling to get help for yourself then you need to leave.�

Paladad, it will take more with an alcoholic. You will want to tell her she has to stop drinking for life, go to treatment and go to AA meetings. In fact, you might want to all around to treatment centers and hand her a list.

Aside from her continued adultry which she said she would be stopping now that I exposed at MC she has been very good about her other destructive behavior. She has not drank more then 1-2 drinks/week in the last month. She believes I am building a case against her which I believe is driving her decision to be "good".

Dr. H said I have to step back and let her hit bottom. I am mentally prepared to do this but an oppertunity has not presented itself. ML I will build that list that you talked about to have it ready but when do I have that conversation? Is it best to wait for a moment of weakness when she does express some remorse the next day or do I "Just Do It" when she is dry and angry?

Thank you!

One drink is too much for an alcoholic. It is the first drink that is the problem, not the 10th. She may try to practice controlled drinking to get you off her back. She can sustain that for a while but not for long.



What he means by standing back and letting her hit bottom is to separate from her. As long as you live together, you are available to protect her. I would have that conversation with her sooner rather than later.

That makes sense. Thank you for putting it plain as day. Like I said I will need help with this. I don't think I can go from The Enabler to The Light of Truth overnight on my own. I have plenty evidence (cell phone records, sexual face book conversations, text message conversations offering herself to OM, and a text message to me from WW saying �sorry about last night, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic I guess).

I do not think she will leave willingly and if I try to push for anything more then 50/50 custody I will have a fight on my hands. A BIG fight. She has always said �I don�t want to be with you anymore but I would never keep you from your children�.

Exposure to her parents/siblings seems like a good idea because they need to know more then what they currently know. If I am going right into Plan B does Work Exposure to �bust this up� make sense when she will probably just move right into something else if there is a sexual/attention addiction?

Because of the issues of addiction I am lost in all of the MB advice aside from I need to Plan B. She really comes off as a fully functioning member of society unless you are aware of the history of covert bad behaviors. Anyone have a road map??

We go to what should be our final MC session in 2 hours. I plan on using this time to tell WW that I want a separation. I want to use some of what Dr. H said like "I am not in a place to help you anymore". I always feel safer when I have a neutral 3rd party around...so she can not twist my words around on me.

I have to admit that I am scared. I do not think she will leave willingly and I am afraid she will try to tell the kids that "Daddy doesn't want mommy to live here anymore." I also do not see her as willing leaving the kids behind.

Her favorite song on the radio has been Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything. So I am sure not matter what I say it will not be well received.

So MC was a twist. Seperation was mentioned then WW asked MC how we stop taking shots at each other and stop hurting each other?

Then today WW BF posted on FaceBook about WW and her being up to shennanigans. BF Mom said "Hopefully that will involve new spacious accomodations in the village". I responded with "Hopefully?". WW text me within 5 min saying "Just for the record I have not talked to BF mom about us or me moving out... It is just her being funny. I keep telling you over and over again I do not know what I am doing... I do think we should separate... I think things have been better but I do not know where they are going... I am hurt and unsure how to turn that off."

So here it is. The door is open, how to I get her to go through it?

It has been 3 weeks to the date since I have last posted...

3 Weeks Ago
WW and I talked about seperating. I spelled out all of the finances for us and shared that information with her to show that either of us could afford to live on our own and there was no financial reason to be dependent upon each other. We started to work out who gets the kids on which days.

She came home one night and came into my room (She was sleeping on the couch for the past 3 months) and sat on my bed. She was not drunk. She had asked about having sex with out it leading to anything. I approached it with that in mind but in the back of my mind knew that SF is her biggest EN. I brought my A Game. The next day she text me about round 2 and needless to say there was that night after the kids went to bed. Two days later she asked me if I had gotten a sitter (I had plans to go out with some mutual friends). She asked if she could come with me so we could hang out together.

Two Weeks Ago
WW continued to sleep in the bed again. WW said that she has not been in contact with OMs and that she wants this to work. WW talked about renewing our wedding vows in August if we are still moving in this direction (it would be around our 10 year anniversary and on a family vacation to Disney).

This Week
WW ordered us 2 copies of HNHN so that we can read them together and work through the program. I have been trying to get her to read the books, come to the site, etc this entire time. She ordered the books on her own without me

Last night she told me that OM text her and that she responded She is working and busy. I expressed my gratefulness about her telling me but said that I had concerns that she was still living 2 seperate lives. That when she was with me I could not ask for a better spouse and that I want our current momemtum to contine but I don't know how we can sustain that if she is still living 2 seperate lives.

WW asked for my patience as she works through this... that she was in a different place then I was and ready to leave but she is still here with me now and still sleeping in our bed, and still wanting to work on us.

Paladad,
This sounds like some real progress. Congrats. How is she with the drinking? If you both read the book and work on what it says, you can really make it work. The fact she is talking long term; renewing your vows in August, means she is really wanting to stay. Hopefully things will progress enough to make that happen. Thinking of you and hoping for the best