Email I sent H this morning:


Hope I did OK. Maybe I shouldn't have said that about agreeing to separate in another year, but I remember reading something Dr. H has said about if there aren't improvements in 2 years...haven't had a response. Don't know if I should keep emailing in this vein...afraid he will see it as desperate/too clingy? Maybe I need to find some threads that deal how to Plan A while separated?

Last night was a long night, and today a long day. SIL called last night. She was concerned about what was going on w/us - MIL had noticed I was upset when I picked up the girls but didn't know why, and called SIL. I told SIL everything. She brought up their shared childhood and the damage that infidelity had done to them growing up. She said she hoped we could work things out for us and for the children, that divorce sucks. But that she would support her brother whatever he decided to do, which I completely understand. She said she knew it had always hurt me when H was cold and unloving, but that it was how he'd always been, and I should have known better, that she thought I was smarter than this. She said she didn't know whether to hug me or slap me.

Took the kids to see H today at his stepmom's. Baked a coconut pie & took over, which they both like. His stepmom and I talked. She told me that H had already told her most of it. And then she suprised me by telling me she did the same thing in her first M, with her son's father. She said I have to stop beating myself up, same as so many on here have said (one day I'll "get it"!). She said he fell in love with who I was, that I have to be "me" again, not to lose myself in this process. She said not to give up, not to lose hope. H engaged with the kids but would not speak to or look at me.

I know my pain is nothing compared to what I put him through, but this hurts so bad. I miss him so much. Kids kept wanting to listen to the radio on the way home and practically every song made me cry. Their cousins are spending the night at H's stepmom's tomorrow night and of course my girls want to go too. At least they can spend time with their dad. I hate the thought of being alone again, but then again I don't want to be around anybody and have to "pretend" I am OK. Mom said I could come hang out w/them but then I'd have to make nice with my aunt who says she understands me so well. HA!!!

Still saving stuff on the DVR for H and I to watch together. I guess it's silly, but one of the shows we watch is "Smallville" (even though I have to admit it kinda "jumped the shark" a few seasons back)...sometimes we go all "Mystery Science Theater" on it and H is so funny...anyway we still have 3 episodes we didn't get around to watching and I can't quite bring myself to watch them without him.

Have to fix supper for the girls and maybe finally get around to starting to paint...I have lofty goals and then I get in there and do one or two things and lose focus. I'll remember that I need something downstairs, go to get it and forget what I was after, and end up doing something else. So, New Year's Eve will be just another night for me. I've always kind of thought that it was kind of silly to celebrate when all it is is just turning the calendar page anyway. Good riddance to 2010.

Made myself go to bed before midnight. H and I never really went out for New Year's anyway, other than the year we got engaged (1995) and went out with a bunch of my friends and their husbands to a Japanese place. Had started remembering how years ago H and I used to make sure we were in bed before midnight so we would bring in the New Year with our own brand of fireworks...

Hard to focus on anything, or make myself want to focus on anything. Santa brought the girls some karaoke wii games and we got those out last night and started playing. I took a video of them singing along with it and sent it to H last night. Good? Bad?

I keep getting stuck in the knowledge that I caused this. It's what I deserve. Yes, I know it's pointless but knowing that doesn't keep me from falling into the pit.

I don't know how to "Plan A" or whatever it is I'm doing when we're apart, it seems like he's in "Plan B."

I'll see him - maybe - when I take the girls over to his stepmom's this afternoon. Any ideas of what I can do? What if he's not there? Anything that would show him I'm thinking about him?

Hey there WPG

You are doing great you know, you realise this is all part of the recovery process don't you?




You can't less this drag you down, if you focus on this you will. You need your strength, stay positive. I have been thinking that a lot lately, as I have had a hard time with H being away Christmas/New Year, it makes it worse when they do actions to move away from us. Everyone is human and makes bad decisions, it is what you have learnt from it.



He probably is doing his own version of Plan B, he probably knows that he has sunk to an all time low and it is a really bad time to make big decisions about your M. My hopes are still high for your situation WPG, you have children, he has not had any RA's. He may just need this time to gather his thoughts and may even be testing you. To me it feels like he is testing you and pushing you.

Stay in contact with him, you are still in Plan A aren't you? So keep doing things that show you love him and will fight for the M.

Keep going girl!

How abouts you get yourself stuck in the knowledge that you can fix this?

Okay, it's not an absolutely true statement - but you can spend each moment of each day working on just compensation.

Ok, my inner media-nerd is out again. Back to Tommy Boy.


The biscuit scene really does paint things so well.

Again, WPG, you know what you are wanting, and you are wanting it so bad, that you get yourself all tangled up in getting it.

You trip, and blunder, and sabotage yourself. You focus on your goal and your expectations so much, that you lose the natural flow of achieving your goal.

Relax a bit, allow your natural instinct and your love and affection for your BH to guide your actions - not your goals or expectations.

KK?

Thank you, Harmony, for the pep talk. I needed some pep talk tonight. Being reduced to a blubbering mess who curls up on the closet floor with H's dirty t-shirts, so I can break down away from the girls, is not how I want to be. Really, that's seriously pitiful. I was sort of suprised at my aunt tonight, I had to stop by Mom & Dad's, and even though she, unlike me, didn't want to fight for her M, still gave me some good advice about needing to be strong and taking care of myself. Dangit, one of these days I will let it really sink in.



I'm scared that if he doesn't come home soon, there will come a point where that love and affection disappears.

But I just might have to watch "Tommy Boy." Does Chris Farley do "fat guy in little coat" in that one? H loves all those movies...Or my preference would be some good Monty Python stuff. The Holy Grail always makes me laugh, I used to have the entire movie practically memorized!!! I have the complete Flying Circus box set. I may not get to painting after all.

I don't know if it counts at all as just compensation, but I told my MIL the truth tonight. Part of owning up to my actions and accepting consequences. H's family deserves to know that it is not his fault we are separated. She didn't know exactly what was going on, but she knew some things were wrong. For example, the girls had told her about H throwing his wedding ring in the lake. Amazingly enough, she was very calm, talked to me for a long while, she wants to help. I don't know if H will talk to her but she is willing to talk to him. She said she didn't really know what advice to give me, other than don't give up. Give him some space and just don't push him.

I may end up on the radio show again - I emailed Joyce about the book (lol, she asked me to, y'all don't jump in and try to get my book, now!!!) and gave her a short update. She said if I was willing they'd like to have me back in the next week or two to talk about what I could do now.

Girlfriends are wanting to try and get together tomorrow at the park and walk and talk...hopefully it will stop raining and I can get out.

Good for you! Really!

Owning up is something I wish FWW would do. The only way I would is if I left, as a last FU.

Guess that might be another point I have in common with your BH.

Not even the kids know. Part of me is embarrassed, and part of it feels like I would be punishing her, which I don't want to do.

I can't remember if "Fat guy in a little coat" was in Tommy Boy or Black Sheep.

All anyone knows is that she had some type of inappropriate relationship.

The only thing I got from any family that has served me well was from my oldest sister.

She left her first husband, the father of her children because of infidelity - I think.

Ever since, she's been a runner. Problem? Bail out!

Anyway - it's her regret, that I can see on her face, and hear every time she talks about her 1st husband, that keeps me holding on.

I'm hurt. I'm pissed. But I HAVE to know I gave it a shot at least.

Nahhh, I think maybe I thought it (owning up) was more punishment, maybe H did too (that's a DJ, so I really don't have a clue), but I have to say in such a huge way it was a relief. I don't have to lie anymore. Even though I know that blood is thicker than water, and all that, I don't have to lie anymore. Even though I know that SIL and MIL are disappointed in me, on some level they understand. And I am OK with that.

If I was you, I'd want to know why she left her first H. O&H, and all of that.





I won't run anymore. I could. It would be so easy. I almost "ran" tonight. I got a bottle of wine and a box of sleeping pills at the store. Easy way out. I can't say I left the wine alone, but the sleeping pills? I'm not going there. The pep talks helped me more than I let on. EVen from may aunt who is deep in her affairage and the resultant justification. I owe my girls a mother. They will HAVE a mother. I will ensure that whatever happens, they will learn from my mistakes. All they know now is that Mommy hurt Daddy, very badly. But that both of us love them more than anything.

I will be strong. I OWE that to my daughters. They deserve a mother. AND a father. However that happens to end up. I WILL NOT quit. NEVER. I will always love H. If he decides to come back to us, I will be here waiting. Forever.

I love him. I always will. My girls will know that. When they are old enough to understand, they will know everything, from my own lips.

Didn't do "Tommy Boy" tonight - stuck with "Holy Grail." Going back to that as it has made me laugh more than I have in a very long time. ALthough "Fat guy in little coat" is hilarious...I do think that may have been in "Black Sheep," though!

Happy New Year! Wulffpack_girl,

Like I told you before, you are doing great. Just remember, NO expectations!!! Trying to figure out all the time if what you're doing is right or wrong won't do you or your M any good. It was driving me crazy, I was very stressed all the time and it shows. I realized that I was acting out of fear, and it prevented me from doing the right things. I was afraid to even doing or saying the right things, thinking that my actions would end up badly. The truth is, you have to remember that you can control your actions, not his. At the end of the day, you need to make sure that you are doing the right things (pro M), even if you end up divorce.
For example:
You can avoid Love Busters (it's a good thing, even if your BH doesn't react or doesn't avoid them - you can't control).
You continue acting like what you are a Married woman(boundaries, etc - you can control), even if he chooses to start acting like a single man (you can't control).

Even if BH isn't living with you, you keep doing Plan A, send him emails, try to get in touch as much as you can, etc. If you couldn't see him on a certain day, that's OK, just try it again the next day.



Don't worry. That's what MB is all about, falling back in love again. I'm fighting for my M right now not because I'm "IN LOVE" with my BH (how could I be?, he's not met my needs in a long time). I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do, for my DD's, for him and for me!, and I know that when he's ready and get onboard MB, we'll both be able to fall back in love again.



Good advice from HHH. Again, like I told you before, just lighten up.... and remember to make it about his pain, not yours.




That was really great and brave, that's what we call actions!, and even if your BH doesn't say anything about it, he'll appreciate it.



Good again, keep looking for help, as much as you can. If it comes directly from the Harleys a lot better.


As long as the activities that you do are things that a married woman can do, it's OK. Just don't go partying, even if it's only with GF's.

Keep the good work, so far you are really doing great....

WPG,


Easy my friend, somedays will feel better than others, but remember this is a really long marathon. I'm taking it more lightly now, but I still feel beaten up sometimes. Just yesterday night, I tried to start SF and guess what, I was rejected. It hurt, and what did I do?, I slept with my DD's (meaning I made it all about me!). I should have stop my pity party, and said to him: Honey, your rejection hurts a lot, but I understand if you're not ready yet. (see, that statement is all about his feelings, not mine.) I'm not going to beat my self up for that, I will just do a better job the next time....




As long as he meets your needs, you will love him forever. Saying that you'll love him forever uncondicionally, is incorrect. You won't have another affair if he doesn't meet your needs, but you can certainly ask for a D. Staying on a loveless relationship forever doesn't do any good to anybody. Now, that being said, you still have a long way to go, for now is all about him. Later on, we can start talking about meeting our (FWS) needs.

I still get stuck in fear. For so much of our M I felt rejected by H - to the point we were the cliche' about the wife who comes down wearing sexy lingerie and the husband is watching TV, and he says "Move out of the way, I can't see the TV!" I never understood the rejection before - I always thought/assumed it was because of something inherently wrong with me. I told my MIL last night how he used to call me "Beautiful," and then he just stopped, and I felt like it was b/c he didn't find me beautiful anymore.

Now, I know that my thoughts and assumptions about the earlier rejections were incorrect - it was simply a failure of us meeting each others' needs, falling into a pattern of complacency and a "crazy cycle" of lack of love and lack of respect...but the rejection now is directly related to me - my actions, what I did, my betrayal of H.

And, when I do things that seem like the "right" things, the effect they have is to push H further away rather than draw him closer. So I understand that fear, too.

And I am completely stressed. I've lost 4 pounds just since he left. That's on top of the 40 I've lost over the past year and a half. My face looks like it has aged 5 years. lol my MIL told me that would go away when I stopped crying! I have anxiety attacks, this crushing pain in my chest that feels like I imagine a heart attack to feel, I can't breathe. I have been having trouble sleeping, don't want to eat, don't want to work out. I don't want to go on ADs because of the side effects so many have (heck, I LIKE being "skinny" for once in my life!) but will bring it up to my doc this week.

Rizos, I've read some of your story. You seem like a very brave and strong woman, committed to recovering your M, and I hope that ElC sees that one day. Just like I hope broken2009 (my H) sees how committed I am to him.

When you said that about sleeping with your DD's, I've actually been sleeping with my DD's since H has been gone. My MIL told me I needed to stop that, it wasn't good for any of us, and what would I do if/when H came home? She's right, of course. It amazed me how much my MIL had already figured out on her own - not just hearing about the wedding ring from the girls, but noticing that all our wedding pics were gone from the bedroom and the damage in the bathroom where H had thrown them. She had asked my mom a while back what was up with all the flowers and love notes and H and I taking so many trips or wanting nights alone.

My MIL couldn't figure out why, if H has known about this for a year, why all of a sudden now he leaves. Her best guess is that he's overwhelmed by his dad's death, and the opportunity of a place he could go and stay presented itself, and his stepmom is helping him through his grief in a way I can't, because he can't trust me. I didn't tell her much about things H said to me about growing up - I could tell there were things that she didn't know, about how his parents' infidelity affected him, and I didn't want to betray him further by saying anything to her he didn't want her to know.



I know what Dr. H's take on unconditional love is. On one level, I understand, but after reading/doing the Love Dare I also see the unconditional aspects of love. But unconditional love is not the same as romantic love. I saw H was capable of meeting my needs. Not only during the first 4 months of recovery, when I was still lying to him about the extent of my A, but he would still try afterwards, even though it had become so much harder and his efforts became fewer and far between. And I know that avoiding another A has everything to do with my EPs and maintaining my boundaries than him meeting my needs. It's about my own strength, resolve and committment to those.

I don't want a loveless M. I felt like that was what we had for so many years. It sucks that only now do we find the tools and a plan to recover romantic love, to build an amazing M. I'd give my right arm to have found this site 5-10 years ago.

But by the same token, I don't want to be married to anyone else. I want a M with my H. I just pray he will give me the chance to keep proving that to him.

I don't know if this will help or not, but all of this is completely normal. I suffered the exact same symptoms both during and after my A. I lost a lot of weight (bottomed out around 114, I think). I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I was unbelievably stressed and suffered from frequent panic attacks. I also bought a bottle of sleeping pills one night and fully intended to swallow every one of them.

Do me a favor, if you haven't already, throw those pills away. You do NOT want to have them in the house the next time you're feeling truly low and hopeless (and there will be plenty of next times before this is over).

It does get better, but it takes a long, long time. There were times when I thought I had completely lost everything too. I still have very low moments when I wonder if my M will survive this, if I'll survive it. But those days are getting fewer and farther between.

WPG, I've been following along, and I just wanted to echo what writer just told you.

There absolutely WILL be times when you are feeling beyond depressed, feeling absolutely crushed and overwhelmed and defeated. Don't make it easier to give in to that by keeping sleeping pills around.

Also as writer said, it does get better. It takes a long, looong time, but you will (hopefully) eventually reach a place where you are more centered, more balanced, and more emotionally stable.

A lot of what you're going through sounds very familiar to me, and you'll see similar thoughts and feelings on many FWWs' threads here. If they stick around long enough, you'll start to see an evolution - stages of grieving, maybe, learning lessons about yourself, realizing you really do only control you, etc., etc., etc.

It gets better. It won't be easy, but it does get better.

God, I hope it gets better. It seems like every day just gets worse.

I met my best girlfriends at the park today and we went for a walk and talked. Everybody tells me to "be strong" and talks about what a strong person I am. It's so hard to see it sometimes. And to stop beating myself up. It is hard to stop doing that when the consequences of my actions have ruined so much. I'd give anything - everything - to recover my marriage.

H texted me while I was on the way to the park and said he'd bring the girls home, that he needed to p/u some stuff. (I'd already let him know I was meeting my girlfriends and that I'd call when I was on the way to get the girls) While we were at the park he texted me to see when I was coming home, that he needed to leave. I texted back and said I'd be home soon, then texted and asked if he'd like to stay and have dinner with us tonight. He replied no, and I said "no prob, maybe we can have a special family dinner another night."

When I got home, he was standing outside ready to go. Had a bag in his car. All he said was he had asked the girls to call him every night and we would talk about them coming to stay w/him (I guess at his stepmom's) next weekend. Then he left. Noticed he'd taken the computer out of the garage, his pillow, some (but not all) of his clothes, the thumb drive that he'd left on the nightstand (the one that has the evidence he'd saved from the A). So I'm assuming he will not be picking the kids up from school this week which will force me to make other arrangements, most likely getting my parents to pick them up, since I have to work. I can take them to school but can't get off work in time to pick them up. Or am I making this too "easy" on him by calling in my parents to help with the kids? (That's what his stepmom told me) If I got back into teaching again I might could pick up enough work with online classes to stop working full-time, which would help but I don't really want to take that step until I absolutely have to, as it would mean a pay cut and I don't know how much of a pay cut I can handle financially. He'd left the budget file up on the computer and I noticed that the $400+ power bill is due on the 11th. Payments for his tractor and car are due at the end of the month.

As far as finances and things like that, I don't know what to do while we're in this limbo. If he's never coming home, then I would have to begin making arrangements financially to make sure I could pay the house payment and the other necessary utilities. I don't know if I should start taking steps to be independent or if he would see that as a sign I was done - does that make sense?

Hopeful that I will get a chance to get back on the radio show soon and talk to Dr. H. I won't be able to afford any more coaching sessions.

Augh. Too much to think about.

It is like grieving, Mrs. V. It's like grieving someone who is still alive.

WPG,

I don't want a loveless M.....only now do we find the tools and a plan to recover romantic love, to build an amazing M. I'd give my right arm to have found this site 5-10 years ago.

But do take some satisfaction that you found this site when you did, at least if everything does fail you will get a better shot at your next relationship, and some of the principles you have learned here will even help your casual and/or family relationships.

You also need to consider that you really have been doing everything right, or making a sincere effort, and that you can't judge your own progress by the progress your H is making with his internal turmoil.

I KNOW that if I had not found MB I would have been divorced by now, and it would have been UGLY and life destroying. If in the future I do divorce it would be for the right reasons and I would be more at peace with the decision.

God Bless
Gamma

PS did your H ever mention that your being 5 years younger than him makes him insecure?

Thanks, Gamma. I definitely wouldn't trade what I've learned from this site.



No - he never mentioned it. I don't know if it ever bothered him, but it was never something that bothered me. And to me, whatever age he is, he's infinitely more sexy to me than anyone else.

You're making plans based on assumptions...... ?

Call him and ask if he is planning to pick his children up from school.

Call and ask what his finacial intentions are.

Do not assume anything. It's disrespectful toward him and yourself. OK!

WPG,

I don't have much to add but I just want to give you my support. I think you are doing great. I think the holidays and the expectations that ago along with them make things hard...add to that your FIL's death and your DH is just on overload. Just keep doing what you can the best you can.

As for the girls, don't let him shirk his duties there. I know you are sorry and want to "help" him but he is a dad and they did nothing wrong. Don't be difficult but don't continue to solve his problems for him.

Good luck. Remember, no expectations. Just do what you should because it is the right thing to do.

Thanks for the support - I wish I felt like I was doing great - I feel like I am screwing up left and right.

I texted him this morning and asked if he was picking the kids up at school today. He replied no, that he would not be coming to the house as long as I was staying there.

When I got to work he'd emailed me:


My response:


I haven't had a reply.

Is what I am doing "evil"? I don't know what I should do.

My MIL called me last night. She said SIL is very angry w/me right now. SIL was under the impression that H just found out about the A being a PA, and she and MIL had talked and MIL was confused. I told her again that he had found this out last January (antiversary of DDay #2 coming up fast). I always thought H's family didn't really like me, that they never thought I was good enough for H. I was scared that telling them about my A would prove that. I know she is disappointed in me, but MIL told me that regardless, I am still the mother of her grandchildren. I don't know, that just impresses me.

I know I am on the wrong side of the tracks to comment on your husband's behavior but I feel I must as far as it relates to his children.

If he wants to crawl in a hole and lick his wounds for what you did, FINE; however, he cannot abdicated his responsibility for being a dad and he should not say, "If you only you would do XYZ, then I would see my girls every day."

I worked for years with separated/divorced parents. What I would not allow to happen is for one parent to come to my class and spend his or her time saying how the other parent wasn't allowing him/her to see/parent/talk to his or her children. Typically this way men saying things like, "she won't give me their soccer schedule so I couldn't attend the games." or "I asked for a copy of the report card and still haven't gotten one." My response is always that they are each parent's responsiblity and you need to be proactive. He can blame you for what you did as that responsiblity lies squarly on your shoulders but you did not take his children or home away from him.

Since my affair, my husband drinks....a lot. He drank before but now it is excessive. When I mention this, he likes to say it is my fault. NOPE...sorry. I do not and will not say that my despicable behavior of having an affair was the result of anything he did or didn't do. Sure things were bad but I just made it worse. Likewise, his continued drinking a year and half after is his responsibility.

You are not evil and, quite frankly, even if you were, it still would not negate his responsibilities towards his children...in fact, it would just make them all that much greater.