Help please I need some more information on doing plan A or plan B I'm so confused & feel I don't know which to do

What are u confused about? Have u read about plan a and plan b?

Yes but how can I do plan A if I can't cut her off financely or stop her having contact with OM & she won't give me the codes to her phone or emails

My understanding is this (but the vets could chime in as I'm no expert!):

Plan A normally includes making your home a happy place to be, proving to yourself and anyone watching that you are a good spouse and worthy of respect and admiration, and to try to make the affair end as quickly as possible and ensure no contact. Then after it ends and both parties are committed you work on recovery.

Plan B is when things just won't work and the wayward is causing too much pain and stress for you to deal with and someone has to go. Plan B and Plan D aren't very different unfortunately. It's usually a last ditch effort that helps you become more independent if Plan D is coming. It also forces the wayward and OP to start living in reality a bit, but to a lesser extent than they would in plan D.

I think you mentioned you have kids? I believe the consensus here is to not leave your home because it could be used against you later in Plan D. Is your WW wanting to move in with the OP?

What have you found by snooping? A VAR in her car should turn up some very interesting conversations. And a key-logger should have most of her passwords by now.

It's hard to fight a battle without knowing what your enemy is planning..

I couldn't get key logger to work on our computer & didn't by a VAR yet & my wife or whatever she is just told me that she is talking to her OM almost everyday & I said don't you think it is going to be hard to work on our relationship if you still have an affair & she didn't know what to say.
Any idea of what to do now ?
She now openly telling me that she is still in contact
Plus she's in therapy & now telling me she has learned how to be manipulative from me & all sorts of other stuff that doesn't make any since at all
I think she just full of it
Should I still be doing plan A at this point

On 29 December I suggested you:
1 - DO NOT MOVE OUT. REPEAT - DO NOT MOVE OUT.
2 - Get a VAR and never be without it. An alcoholic female breadwinner deep in skank-fog just screams "bogus domestic violence complaint".
3 - Start documenting dates, durations of her absences to be with POSOM, or otherwise unexplained. Also make note of things she says that confirm her infidelity.
4 - Get that DNA test done - NOW. She'll go ballistic, so inform her in front of witnesses in case her alcoholic tendencies cause her to physically lash out at you.
5 - Get tested for STD's.
6 - Notify her (and his?) AA sponsor, or AA coordinator. Their 13th step is not "Bang your recovery partner."
7 - Start asking about the best divorce lawyer in your area.

Which of these have you accomplished?

The VAR is CRUCIAL for your protection. Get it TODAY.

Plan A is based on the WS rationally judging which of two lives to live - with you in a committed marriage, or with AP in a relationship to-be-defined-at-a-later-date. Plan A helps you skew the scales in your favor.
BUT.......the key word is rationally. Alcoholic and emotionally-impaired WS's are less prone to making the choice based on their own best interests. Remember, the choice is between "BS and real life" and "AP and booze-fantasy-land". If she is defiantly maintaining contact and actively rewriting marital history, you may find youself migrating to Plan B sooner rather than later. You should study the Plan B tenets now.

Hello it's been a while sence I posted. I'm now onto getting a divorce & we will be trying to share this house we live in so the kids will be happy & not have to go back & forth - I will been have a certain number of night in home & soon to be ex will have a certain number of nights & one weekend a month with the kids - we have a 9 year old & 6, 4, 10 month old - I tried everything in plan A & now we will begin divorcing. Has anyone ever done the nesting theory with kids & divorce?

Ah, the "house gets the kids" divorce. I've heard of nesting but have never known anyone personally who has done it. I don't see how it could work within the framework of Marriage Builders. Under Plan A, having your WW rotate in and out of your home would be almost like giving your blessing for her to carry on. Under Plan B, no contact would pretty much be impossible.

I think it's a bad idea. Do you really want to come home to your WW's stuff laying around? Do you want her sleeping in the marital bed while you're gone or even having OM sleep there with her? Do you want her showering and bathing in the same bathroom, knowing that she is likely preparing for OM? I could go on and on about why this is a bad idea.

I've read a few articles about it and the consensus seems to be that while it's a nice thought, the reality of living that way is extremely difficult and very expensive. I mean think about it, there would have to be three homes to upkeep-- yours, hers and the children's.

Additionally, if a couple can't get along well enough to stay married, how the heck will that same couple get along well enough to share a home and all the responsibilities that comes with that?

I don't understand Frank. It sounds as if you're giving up or giving in. Can you please explain the specific things you did in Plan A? Why not consider going to Plan B if you did Plan A right? Have you actually read the articles here? Surviving an Affair?

You guys have four children. Those children did not ask to be born. They are still very young and need their mom and dad. I know you're hurting but it seems like you're just going along for the ride and letting your wife dictate how things go.

Why not give MB a shot? At this point, you have nothing to lose because the woman you married is gone. In her place is a crazy-making alien.

That is a mess of a plan created in an attempt to sugar coat the reality of divorce. Do you think another woman will be ok to do this while dating you?

It is also torture for you and keeps you from moving on. If your wife wants divorce, then make sure you let her see how much she could lose. Go for sole physical and legal custody and the house. You won't get all of that but you'll scare the heck out of your ww. Make recovery more appealing than D.

So she gets to carry on her affair in your house while you move out for a few nights a week? You must be kidding.

I would call this Plan "E" for enabling, because that is all it does. And it most certainly is NOT in the best interest of your children to enable her affair. Your plan is harmful to children. It would be in their best interest for you to stand up to your wife's abuse and protect the family from her destructive behavior. Just being together while one spouse engages in destructive and abusive behavior is not in the best interest of children.

A better plan would be for her to MOVE OUT and get her own affair pad. If she wants to get a divorce and act like an alley cat in heat, then she should move out.

QFT

(Quoted For Truth, in case you were wondering)

The first thing you need to do is stop enabling. Trust me when I tell you that I speak from experience. I did everything my WW wanted me to do.

All it got me was divorced, broke, unemployed, and away from my kids.

I was in denial for a looooooong time.

The number one thing you need to do is stand up for yourself, which starts with letting her know that you won't simply lie down and take a divorce and give her what she wants.

You can Plan A during that process. Your WW is typical and not special.

You must expose the affair far and wide and start with his family and friends.

Expose to your family.

Do not lie down and do as she wishes.

THAT is the recipe for divorce and failure.

frank, not only would I NOT leave your home to accommodate her affair, but I would not allow her to conduct her affair in any way, shape or form in your children's home.

For example, if she chats with him on the internet, disconnect the computer. If she talks in the phone then follow her around and loudly demand that she take her affair conversation out of your home.

You need to be causing holy, unmitigated HELL in her affair. Don't let it stand for a minute.

This should be your attitude and approach right now:

Well our house has been very messed up sence the affair. I did alot of plan a - exposing trying to fulfill her emotional needs & she has not come back to try to restore our marraige -she is in fill blown fog wont end the affair & she would try to sell our house & have domestic violence charges against me

Keep a VAR on you at all times and I mean it!

Also, hire a PI and have her actions followed. Usually those who blame others for things like domestic violence, do so because there's something REALLY bad going on in their private lives.

I'd bet her affair partner has some skeletons in his closet, or they've created some together. Never be alone around your WW ok?

The worst thing you can do is ENABLE such a bully and tyrant. Leaving your home to accommodate her affair is irresponsible and will not help your marriage or your children. You need to make plans to get her out of there. Whatever you do, DON'T leave your home for even one night. She is just trying to get you out of her hair so she carry on her adultery in peace. You should not tolerate it for a second.

To whom has the affair been exposed? Is the OM married?

frank, I would urge you NOT to consider for one moment this "shared home" arrangement after divorce. Not only will this just allow your WW to keep rubbing her affair in your face, it sends a terrible and very confusing message to the children about what a family really is and how a healthy family operates.

Please take a look at this MB thread titled "The Fantasy of Divorce":
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

she would try to sell our house

Yeah, so?

Good - sell the house as part of the divorce.

Or, have it appraised, and have either one of you offer to buy out the other at half that value.

The alternative would be for you to be owning half a house to which this "ho" will be bringing home her booty-call partner. Kinda makes you a pimp, pal.

BTW - on Day 1 I urged you to VAR-up as protection against the almost-inevitable bogus DV complaint. Had you done so, you'd now have her recorded saying that she considering DV charges against you as a blackmail ploy. Courts LOVE that kind of juicy admission (so would your lawyer). Shame on you for not listening to good advice.

NOW get the damn VAR!

Fred, I think my first thought was more appropriate

Frank, you're getting some really good advice from people that have been exactly where you are. I think a few of your respondents actually lost their marriages doing what you are doing.

It won't change until you get completely fed up and pissed off and quit letting this woman tell you and your children how your lives are going to be lived.

Oh and, no, sharing a house like a timeshare isn't going to work out. You might as well spare the cost of the divorce and y'all just agree that she can bring over OM for a quick boink if she gives you, say, a day's notice to get a hotel for a while? Really, what's the difference?

Get fed up, Frank. Get control over this, because you absolutely CAN turn this crap around for you and your kids. Key word there, your kids. Don't forget about them, they need someone to stand up for them. You'd make a great candidate if you're up to the task.

First step? Call every single solitary one of her friends and family and ASK them to get involved and get your wife to quick screwing around on you and your children. Merely telling them of the affair and that you're working on it isn't going to fly--most would rather sit on the sidelines. You have to get them to call your wife and tell her to get her act together.

What do her parents say about what she is doing to her kids and what kind of example she is leading?

Even if OM's father lives in China, I'd get in touch with him if you haven't already done so.

Have you confronted OM?

Get fed up, Frank. C'mon, you can do it!