Find the girlfriend at all costs! My WW did not know OM was going to marry his, and when I contacted GF the affair cracked like a walnut under a dump truck! Use facebook or any other means you have...at the very least she will be angry and will likely help you with other exposure targets.

Find the GF!

Wisertoday and Melodylane,

Thankyou so much for your advice and kind help. If anything its inspiring me to keep my head up here.

Melodylane, she left 7 weeks ago on Nov 9th.

I think your letter is worth a go and will send it first class after the bank holiday (new Years Day tomorrow).

I'll be suprised if the affair lasts long due to how the om is (without being rude i think it must be attention, affection, someone to talk to as his points that attracted her to him), but how long a time is long?. I really don't know on this as i am out of my depth her.

He is a work colleague though that works in the same building and they have been communting to work and back for the last two years, thats how they have built the relationship up. I think it must of been an emotional one first thats then developed into physical, and then of course heavy with them moving in together.

I'll try and make contact with the om's partner again, just don't want any more conflict from them.

Wisertoday:

I am sure your right, she is in a fog, a thick one. I hope she comes out of it one day and talks though.

I am now trying to look after myself as a priority with help from friends and family, but it is tough, this is the worse experience i've known in my life, far worse than when somone close died as at least there was not the lies, deceit, and emotional turmoil of this sort experienced.

Its such a waste and has taken its toll on me, i just pray and hope she sees sense and doesn't cut her nose off to spite her face, thats the kind of reaction i've had from her over the past weeks

"our marriage was finished ages ago" "you are to blame for not doing enough housework" "i don't feel the same way about you" and so on.

But strangely, no mention of HER having an affair or cheating behind my back.

Thankyou again,

I'll post with developments as they arise (or not)

Have a great New Years Eve both of you

Now would be the perfect time.

And I wholeheartedly agree you should find this girlfriend. You might be surprised to find out he is keeping them both online and leading a secret second life.

Conflict is GOOD out of conflict comes change!

You should listen to Mel. She was slapping me around two weeks ago to expose and it was literally the best thing I could have done - changed the whole ball game.

I'll shut up now and let her talk.

WE KNOW and sympathize with you very much, my friend. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and he says that adultery is the worse thing that can happen to someone. Worse than physical assault or the death of a child. check this out

Oh, but you DO want conflict with them! This guy is shacking up with your wife! He shouldn't be getting one decent night's sleep!

This is another good reason to drag out the divorce. OM is more than likely a shallow person who takes things the easy way. When that divorce starts dragging along like an old plow mare your WW is going to get annoyed/angry/testy/frustrated. Guess who is going to have to deal with all of that baggage? OM! You know, the guy who takes things the easy way? Don't make this easy for them!

You WANT conflict! You do not want to be the nice guy who scooted over and let OM slide on in!

BTW, Neil - sorry you're here. But you've come to the right place.

You need to remember that you are fighting for your marriage, fighting for the love of ur life, fighting for marriage vows, fighting for respect. Please don't forget that and any conflict I mean any conflict is worth all that don't you agree?

Bingo! Crack the emotional door just an inch, and allow your spouse to spend alot of time with another man, and this is the result.

Don't think for an instant that conflict is bad. Conflict is your best friend! Conflict bursts their fantasy world in which they currently reside. Keep the conflict high, but remember, in the end, you are trying to put forth the best you have, so you can't love-bust her.

She's following the script about rewriting your history while not acknowledging the A. Follow Dr. Harley's plan....you have the best chance of winning her back if you follow the advice given here. She will talk. But she is lost in the fog right now.

Thanks SapphireReturns,

Your right i am fighting for my marriage and the love of my life.

The conflict is worth all of it, its too precious for me to give up on.

Hello Wisertoday,

With regards to conflict being my best friend, do you mean just keeping the pressure on my wife and the om? By not letting them get everything easy and simple,ie having them pull all the strings and me throwing the towel in?

I think i should mention after reading the love buster details that i have unfortunately already done this with several outbursts of anger to my wife both face to face, by text messages, and on the telephone. This was at several points when i told her i was fed up with all the lies and deceit she and the om have said and done to me.

I also got angry when she called to collect her clothes and things and told her bluntly "to get lost".

Will this of pushed her further away from me by this?

I thought by showing resistance to her and not letting her just call round when she wanted i would regain some control, perhaps i should of just said sorry but its not convenient at this time?

Do you think i should do anything about love busting her, perhaps apologising or sending flowers?

Neil,

You have been given some amazing food for thought on this sad situation and my prayers are with you. However, what is needed now is a plan to combat this destructive affair.

Despite the om and your ww working for a call center together, I am sure the powers that be at that very call center would be concerned, if say, they got wind of how they could have a sexual harassment suit on their hands if things get out of hand with their affair partners at their place of business.

I mean, most companies seriously frown on having even married people working together in same department or even for the same company these days. Too much can happen.

I'd work on that part but mostly...

I'd reach out to the wise posters here and ask to have help on formulating a plan! Be it plan A or plan B.

Yes, your ww is out of the home and that does throw in a bit of a monkeywrench into some things, but there are many here who have saved their marriages with even the spouse out of the house.

I agree w/others that her living with the om will cause them to love bust alot and will in the end, be the end of their crazy fantasy relationship, but YOU, friend, need to be on the offensive and have a plan in place not only to help end this disastrous affair, but to also protect yourself.

Just my thoughts. Wish you well.

Thanks Peachyisback,

The next action i am doing is the letter proposed by Melodylane as soon as the bank holiday weekend is over.

After that i don't know where to go, i suppose it depends if i get a response or not from my wife.

If anyone else on here can come up with a point by point plan for me i would be very grateful.

I just want to win my wife back if possible from this om.

I am aware this will be hard (and probably drawn out for weeks if not months) because of my wife leaving and being in a flat i know she has rented on a six month lease for.

I believe i have tracked the om's girlfriend down on the friends reunited site, does anyone have a sample email type letter i can send her advising her what her boyfriend is up to...assuming she doesn't know yet?

After you send it just sit back and bide your time. You might not hear from her for a while. When you do, make sure you are pleasant, pleasant. That will confuse her. See, she NEEDS you to be angry and crazy so she can justify her affair. It will take a while to open the door here so be patient.


Send her an email and tell her your wife is now living with the OM and having a romantic affair. Tell her you understand she was also once affiliated with him. Tell her you are concerned about your wife and ask her to CALL YOU becuase you have some questions.

When she calls, ask her about his past and see if she can give you the names and #s of his parents.

You should have politely said that you won't allow her in the house to take a thing without a court order. You did the right thing in keeping her out and the wrong thing by having an angry outburst. Thats why I want you to send her that love letter.

Here is the thing. You cannot allow her to run over you and you can't appease destructive behavior. Allowing her to come in and clean your house out would have been the latter. It is not a lovebuster to protect you both from her detructive behavior. It is a lovebuster to yell and scream at her.

See the difference?

Also, did you get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? If you have a kindle or ipad, you can download it here: Surviving an Affair

Hello Melodylane,

Thanks again.

I ve just sent an email message to the om's girlfriend so will see where that goes. Be interesting if i get a reply but fingers crossed.

Coincidently i received a "strange" text message yesterday supposedly from the om's girlfriend saying she knows where my wife and i live but doesnt need any help?

I don't believe she sent it at all. My wife knows i asked for her details and that i wanted to speak to her but left it at that. I am wondering if she still does not know about the affair going on? I had been left to believe she did know and was totally upset as i am. I am now wondering if she is completely in the dark with what is going on here.

Thanks for your advice on Love Busters, i've made a few mistakes here as i shouted at her directly, damn hope it's not hurt her even more than she is feeling now.

Do you think its normal for my wife to have taken on a flat for a six month period in these circumstances? she has now the finances to pay for it but is she thinking of a lifetime with the om or possibly just wanted out of the marriage anyway

I have just ordered the book you mentioned, it will be here in a few days.

I wonder the same thing. Also, can you find out OM's address and go to his house? If he is with her, then she will be there and you can talk to her.


Is she hurt? What has hurt her? The only thing the lovebuster did was push her away and give her ammunition with which to demonize you. It didn't hurt her, it hurt YOU.


I think it is BOTH. Can you get your money back? It would be very helpful if you could all the money back and tie it up in escrow.

I have the om's address as i have been round twice before and posted a letter to his girlfriend asking her to get in touch... but had no reply except the strange text message i received yesterday.

Both times no one answered and i have to be careful as i don't want a direct confrontation with the om if he still lives there (police already involved due to the unpleasant text messages he was sending me).

Your right about the lovebuster it must of demonized her, i know she has telephoned some of our joint friends as a result who now wont speak to me because of what i did.

I am not sure about the money / bond on the flat she has paid as i don't know how she paid it.

Thanks for your help x

For what you did??? What about what she did?? That is about like blaming the rape victim for protesting his rape. What kind of friends would hold that against you??

I think i need to toughen up on my emotions and thoughts. I feel as if i am not thinking straight here and am in a kind of fog of my own!

Its my wife that has stepped over the line with her affair and although i accept we must of drifted apart at some point emotionally, it is her that has had no respect for me in what she has done.

Why can't the ww or wh talk to their partners about their feelings? i feel as if these cheaters have lost their marbles and just don't know what they are doing, but of course they must do because of how they calculate and plan everything behind their partners backs.

I really love my wife though and just hope i can either break the affair up or make her see we should try again at some point.

It really worries me that i think the om has dumped his girlfriend, left his rented flat, and moved into my wifes new flat together. If so must they must have long term plans for a "happy" relationship?