I can understand regression. I see it behavior-wise in both DD's right now. DD#1 I had not noticed as much because she's not doing this in front of me, but my parents have been picking them up from school and Mom said DD#1 has been insisting on carrying her little security blanket around with her as soon as she gets home and she is also sucking her thumb.

What I mean about the childhood wounds is that H's childhood was marred by infidelity on his parents' part. Stepdad was husband #2 to MIL. Her first H abandoned her and my H when he was a baby. She remarried when H was a kid (so stepdad is the only real father he's ever known, this is who just passed away), had his sister, and then stepdad cheated on MIL. He begged to come back, and she took him back, but she had a RA. Lots of pain and back and forth with H and his sis, and a suicide attempt on MIL's part. H started drinking and became an alcoholic. MIL told me that stepdad had always told her he'd "give his right arm to take it all back" but she said she refused to forgive him, they stayed together for the kids but their M was miserable, and the kids saw that. Both H and his sis seem to harbor much more resentment towards their mother. I think (DJ alert?) he views me in the same light he views his mother. Perhaps his father's death brought all of this back to the fore again. All he sees for our family is what he grew up in, and he has told me he swore he would never have that for his kids. He believed I was the kind of person who would never do that to him, and I proved him wrong. His mother admitted to me that she was a very unforgiving person, and she said H was that way too. And his first love cheated on him - his last real relationship before me. He built these walls inside of him, around his heart, and he never took them down. I've given him more reason to keep those walls as high and thick as ever.

I tried to express to him that we aren't his parents, we aren't the same as any other couple who has gone through this (all he would ever cite to me were examples of couples who didn't survive). That if we had a PLAN we could do this. If I hadn't lied for so hard and so long maybe we would have stood a chance. I know, every WS is a liar and the trickle truth I gave him was no different from the trickle truth any WS does. If I had found MB sooner I know you all would have convinced me to "woman up" and stop the trickle truth, but I didn't, so maybe I found MB too late to help...I found my original email I sent to H back in July 2010 where I sent him a link to MB.

Rising, you didn't see what your H did as clingy or desperate at all? Maybe it's the tone of it? Not me standing around with tears in my eyes and looking utterly dejected when he happens to be around...ugh, I don't know. I don't know how NOT to give him space, when he is the one who left.

I discovered something else I am trying to address - Mom made the comment that the kids seem to be taking all of this in stride, seeming to be OK with everything. Not true. They are trying to protect me from being "sad," because when the subject of Daddy comes up they know it makes me sad. Hence the hidden thumb sucking, the trouble sleeping, etc. I have destroyed my kids as well.

Anyway, going to try and be productive today. Got to hit the grocery store (rumors are another snowstorm coming in!), got a b-day present to buy for my niece, promised DD#1 a milkshake (IMHO, it is too darn cold for a milkshake, but whatever!).

I think it was the tone of it. The difference in "I'm not leaving, or backing off, and I will go down with this M and keep fighting until I have nothing left to give" and "Please dont go, please...: and hanging on his legs while he walks away.

The first one comes across as strong, the second one as clingy.

I know its hard since he left, but I worried about you saying that you werent really talking to him, or texting or emailing or anything.

WPG you did not destroy your children. They are having a hard time, but they are not destroyed. What you do now, being there for them and fighting to make right the mistakes you made, it will matter.

I hate to see how this is going for you, you having been trying so hard.

Hi WPG,

Look just live your life right now, keep your children happy and be there for them, they will have questions answer them honestly and age appropriately.....
As far as your husband, let him work things out for himself, tell him you will be there for him if he choses to come back I agree with Harmony, you have to keep the family in tact for now.........the home has to be there for him when he finds forgiveness............
Plan A your husband and show him that you have changed......don't feel sorry for yourself or beat yourself up..............make yourself a better woman, he will notice.
Life is hard, right now you have to be the stronger partner..........you were put on this earth for a reason, maybe that reason is putting your husband and family first..........take that task and run with it like no other job you have ever had........it will take time and a lot of self sacrifice on your part.........but the end result for you will be worth it.........everything in life worth having is hard and is worth fighting for........................but it will take time to repair, you can't expect anything else................
start your day with a prayer and end each night with another and ask for the strength and patience.............
good luck

cool post love is a choice - i love it!

WPG,

I would recommend staying off your own thread, create a plan to live your life one day at a time and continue your plan A.....

Nothing wrong with you helping other here at MB when you see someone in need of what you can offer.... you do have something to offer to those suffering from infidelity yanno!

Just continue to read all the MB books and work on a better YOU....

Time to stop analyzing on this thread and reach out to help others for a while.... IMO, It will help you if you do.

WPG

I know your probably reading if not posting. Its going to be OK you know, its all part of it. I am going to post you something that Pepper said to me, and it really changed how I deal with things. It really helped me cope with my H being gone.

Your H needs this time alone, let him have it but Plan a from afar. Show him that your not giving up and let him come round in his own time.

You are going to be just fine.

Harmony

Not all of this applies to you, but the same message is there.................

My question to Pepper:

not sure how one can lead the other back into intimacy in our current situation?!! To me that would be my H extending an olive branch out to me to talk to me, and he has not done that


Peppers response:

You can't.
Except, you can do the following:

You keep your side of the garden weeded.
You plant the seeds of forgiveness in your own heart.
You look at your remorse and decide what needs to change within yourself.
Examine your warts and blemishes and make appropriate improvements.
You write him that Birthday love letter.
You stop trash-talking him to anyone. ANYONE.
You stop fussing all the time and looking for "justice" or "fair" or measure past errors to decide which of you were "more wrong" than the other.

You become the healthiest, most serene YOU possible.
You become the beautiful soul who glows with grace and wisdom.

So that, should he offer an olive branch, he may be totally amazed by your transformation.

tst, you are right. The more I come on here the more I simply get paralyzed with indecision. After posting yesterday, I got busy around the house. I took jessi's and loveisachoice's advice and got to work. Started de-cluttering. Started getting stuff ready to go to Goodwill. Cleaned off the counters, started getting things put away, filed financial papers, etc. I felt much better yesterday than today.

So what's the difference? Well yesterday I stayed home. I haven't been on the computer as much at home for a couple of reasons. H took the computer out of the garage, so I can't sit and smoke for hours and go online, whether to this forum or email or whatever. I've stopped reading email from home. I certainly understand H's lack of trust and why he would maintain spying software. If he wants to be a part of this M, then I have no problem with complete O&H and he can see whatever he wants. But the lack of email has had another effect - one, my girlfriends actually call me, and it is good to have someone to talk to, and two, I'm not dwelling on it and using it as an excuse to vent and agonize over what I should/shouldn't do.

Today, I'm at the office. I'm at the computer all day. Girlfriends are emailing asking how I am doing and I'm focusing on "it" more.

It was also a year ago today that H found out the A was a PA. This was the night of the blow up, the broken pictures, when the kids locked themselves in their room. And when H called me a wh*re.

I'm slowly trying to start contacting him again, I texted yesterday (I know, tst, the texting sucks but I think perhaps the impersonality of it works for now) and asked if he wanted to have dinner w/us, the girls and I were cooking tacos. He said no, but at least his responses were more than one word. He's picking the girls up today so this will be the first time we've seen each other since Sunday.

So I agree, I've analyzed it to death and need a break. Harmony, thank you for posting Pep's response to you. I'm going to print those out and keep it where I can see it daily. I like that, about weeding my side of the garden.

I'll be lurking around. Don't know that I have much incredibly helpful advice to offer anyone as our recovery seems to be a failure. But if someday, I can help at least one other person, one other couple, to avoid the he77 that I created, then in the end, I suppose that learning and practicing MB principles will be a blessing.

to all and thank you!

Head out of your hiney. You have helped me.

That's one. Now add to the count!

WPG,

Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and in my prayers.

I am fortunate in that my M seems to be on the right track. I wish that for you and for all of us.

I don't post much because I find I get more depressed after reading the stories out here.

Keep lurking, and know that I care.

Good Luck!

Bolstering music, WPG;



And I am telling you
Im not going
You're the best man I'll ever know
There's no way I can ever go
No, no, there's no way
No, no, no, no way I'm living without you
Im not living without you
I dont wanna be free
Im staying
Im staying
And you, and you
You're gonna love me, oohh ooh mm mm
You're gonna love me

And I am telling you
I'm not going
Even though the rough times are showing
There's just no way, there's no way
We're part of the same place
We're part of the same time
We both share the same blood
We both have the same mind
And time and time, we've had so much to see and
No, no, no, no, no, no
Im not waking up tomorrow morning and finding that there's nobody there

And I mean there's no way
No, no, no, no way Im living without you
Im not living without you
You see there's just no way, there's no way

Tear down the mountains
Yell, scream, and shout like you can say what you want
Im not walking out
Stop all the rivers, push, strike, and kill
Im not gonna leave you
There's no way I will

And I am telling you
Im not going
You're the best man I'll ever know
There's no way I can ever, ever go
No, no, no, no way
No, no, no, no way Im living without you
Oh, Im not living without you, not living without you
I dont wanna be free
Im staying, Im staying
And you, and you, and you
You're gonna love me

You're gonna love me, yes you are
Ooh ooh love me, ooh ooh ooh love me
Love me, love me, love me, love me

You're gonna love me


- Chin up!

Bump.

"Renee" on Marriage Builders radio yesterday. Replaying today.

Hey...yeah, that was me, the accent gives me away!

Dr. H gave me a lot to think about yesterday. I'm still kind of processing.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmelody!!!!

You got this broadcast?

Got it once this morning, but only kinda half-listened.

Here it is! It is the 1-11-11 show here

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!

Would someone care to give me a synoposis of the broadcast? I can't listen.

Communicate
Be O&H with historical information and current information
See an attorney for legal advice.
Stay in the marital home
Avoid Love Busters
Let her husband choose her rather than her pursuing him so hard
Be available
Time

(And I thought I heard an over all message of,, pray..... OK, I'm just throwin that prayer reminder in)

It was approx the first 20 mins of his one hour show. Try to find a way to listen to it!