After I found out about my husband's affair last year, it continued on for another two months (until I "found out" the second time). Communication continued for at least another month but by this time, my husband had asked for a divorce, came home three weeks later because he didn't want a divorce and wanted to make it work. That lasted about two weeks. He just came home too soon. After he left (by this time its nearly mid-Jan 2010) amidst tears that he loved me, I was really a wreck. We would communicate via text and email about financial stuff (I was living in our home, he with his parents) and he was always so nice..."I hope you are doing well", "Therapy is going really well for me - I never thought I could talk so much!", "Stay safe..." (if I was driving in the snow or something for example). It unnerved and irritated me that he was always so nice? I figure it was the guilt talking.

In February, we saw eachother unexpectedly (he stopped by the house to help dig me out after a HUGE snowstorm) and we had a really nice day together. He began to call and text more often, and a few days later I discovered the true nature of his affair. It was not the emotional affair he claimed it was, but both emotional and physical. I disappeared for a little while and he was frantic about not being able to reach me. Upon my return I confronted him and he'd been calling and texting more because he realized how much he loved me and hoped we could begin working things out. He was very intense about things for about a week and cooled off real fast again.

This "reconciliation" lasted about 6 weeks until I couldn't take it anymore. Last fall, I put ALL of myself into trying to save the marriage while he carried on the affair. I told him the other day that this was just not working and that really caught his attention. I ended things and said that I was moving forward with the divorce. We both cried because we still love eachother but I know I have made the right decision for myself even though it is HARD! What makes it even harder is that again, he is nicer and more thoughtful and attentive to me now that he really doesn't have me. I pointed this out to him the other day and he said, "I know - I can't figure out what's wrong with me".

This is happening because he needs both you and the OW to meet all of his needs.

The A has to end in order for your M to heal. You know that. Have you made any plans to cause him to end the A?

Valerian, sorry you are here. Has the affair been exposed to everyone? Is the OW married?

Everyone knows about the affair. My husband and I had been attempting to reconcile over the past 6 or so weeks after a brief separation. He has said to me that he has not been communicating with the OW at all. He may be telling the truth, but he may not be either. Nevertheless, it was again more of the same - I am sacrificing myself for the marriage and he is putting forth MINIMAL effort.

Last week I'd decided I'd had enough and told him it was over - this is not working. I can't really say what was going on in his head but he was definitely upset (crying) that he is losing me (or has lost me) but I could not go on living the way I was. I told him that I did not want him to be nice to me or do anything for me out of guilt and pity and he stressed that he is not doing or saying things out of guilt. That he does love me (which I've known all along, but I have not FELT loved), and used to operate out of guilt but that was back in the beginning. He knows I do not pity myself so he does not treat me with pity. He has apologized for being so careless and reckless with the marriage and that has seriously been the most sincere apology I've heard out of him for these past 7 months. Better late than never, I guess.

So Valeriean, if it's "over" in your book, why are you here? This is not a sarcastic question. What do you need?

Welcome to MB.

See if he will write a no contact letter. That will tell you if he is serious or not.

Princessmeggy, you pose a good question. I suppose I'm here because I believe the marriage is ending unnecessarily but there is nothing else I can do. I've nearly destroyed myself trying to save this marriage but I cannot do it alone. I guess a part of myself still has hope for the future? With that said, I also know that I can't just hold on to hope for he and I and make sure that I am okay even if we don't work out. He and I talk a little and it sounds like he is really beginning to realize areas in the marriage where he was at fault (besides the affair) and I mean TRULY realize them. I don't use that as hope for us per se, but I'm glad it sounds like he's beginning to really SEE things. I know that there are areas in the marriage where I felt short - I have long since realized them and have been using this experience to better myself as a person. He has commented many times on how I've blossomed during this time.

Last night, my husband and I were talking about hobbies. He's really happy for me that I am persuing hobbies again (that seems to be the first thing all separation/divorce books say right? Get in touch with your old hobbies or discover new ones!). Anyways, he was proud of me and looks up to me for getting involved in hobbies because he is doing the same for himself and told me that he realized that the OW never did that. She never focused her energy on anything "constructive". I pointed out that she focused her energy on HIM. He agreed. Not that he and I are going to start slamming her or something, because I'm not interested in that - that was the end of that subject, but it is the first time I've ever heard him admit any sort of "shortcoming" in her. It sounds like he is making improvements in himself but if we are to make it, we have a LONG way to go. For now however, I am taking care of and rehabilitating myself. Whatever happens, happens.

Sorry for the long-winded answer! I'm horrible at summarizing

I think that since you are thinking D cause you have no other course in mind to deal with it.

If you are familiar with plans A and B....it is a good way to go.

You plan A like crazy for a little bit and then go plan B.

Plan A shows the potential of you being a good spouse who can meet his needs and Plan B is where he gets to live the life without you and you without him.

Rather than filing for D.....it is a way for you both to get a taste for what D would feel like from your sides of the plan. You build up strength to make thoughtful decisions about the marriage and he gets to live the life of a man not propped up by you meeting some of his emotional needs.

Reading,

I do feel that D is my only option now because I feel I've done all I could - put all of myself out there with very little return from H. Since I essentially said, "Its over" last week, it has not been easy at any stretch, but a lot of my anxiety has washed away. I feel in control of my life again, in the driver's seat. H has mentioned that the shoe is now definitely on the other foot.

Deep down, I still do not want D! However, I do need to get myself to a place where I'll be okay regardless of what happens to us. I am enjoying the peace that comes with letting go of control and putting myself in God's hands. Since deep down I do not want D, I'm definitely curious about what you mean by plans A and B? Are they covered somewhere on the MB website? Or would you be able to elaborate a bit? I have read through most of MB's "Surviving Infidelity". Any advice or info is greatly appreciated!

P.S. - I realize these things (healing, etc.) take time. That's part of my "letting go of control"

Here is a link to a Q&A on Plan A and Plam B.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Yes! Read the link forj gave and also order the book

Surviving An Affair

It explains it in detail and is a good read for while you are figuring out how to proceed.

It really IS a great plan to follow. You don't flail around with emotions leading you. You gain personal strength and knowledge and become a force to be reckoned with in a positive way.

Valerian,

You say you are tired of trying to put this marriage back together. YOu say you are done and out of gas. I think you need to read the articles on this site and I mean really read them. I think you should suggest your H read the articles on this site. Even if you two divorce, neither of you seems to have to tools to have a good relationship with each other or anyone else. I know you tried to save this marriage.

However, trying and actually having a plan with goals, measures of merit, and reasons for doing what you are doing are very different things. You can find the tools here and so can your H.

I would say at this point your H has to come up with a plan to address the marriage, his failures, and what he really wants and needs in a marriage. You would be well advised to do the same. Whether you actually use the plan or not, you NEED to learn the tools and figure out a few things.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Forj, thank you for the link - I will be sure to read it!

JL - thanks for saying it like it is I have done everything I can but I know there's more out there for me to learn how to do! Last week, I printed off a bunch of stuff from MB's surviving an affair links and gave them to my husband. Even though I'm in the frame of mind of "its over" (because I can't keep trying like this anymore) and I know part of my husband does not want to lose me, so my hope is that he will read them but that is his decision I guess.

I'm finding it difficult to walk away like this, but I just can't live the way I was. I feel that my husband should take some initiative if he really wants this to work out. Thus far, he has been very warm and genuine in his feelings for me (which I suppose is why its making it hard on me to walk away) but when he had me, he was still nice to me and all but there was something missing. I'm having a hard time putting it to words exactly what it was.

I definitely agree with you when you mention that we do not have the tools to have a good relationship with each other or anyone else. Even if he and I don't work it out, I am working to learn these tools should someone else enter my life.

I feel as though I sound like I'm making so many excuses! Part of me feels like walking away is the only thing that has the potential to really wake him up but that is not foolproof. I'm not much of a gambling person so I can't do it on the hopes that he will come back. I have to do this knowing he may not come back and that I will be okay in the end nomatter what.

There is a saying around marriag builders

'Don't file for divorce unless you want a divorce'

It isn't to be used as a tool to wake up the other spouse.

You can always do plans A & B and file for legal separation when you got o B.

That'll give you both a taste of divorce if it ever happens.

Valerian,

Pep just put things in a very simple suscint (sp) manner. You are right you cannot do this alone. You are also right words alone will not solve this. But, plans and actions can change things. It is up to your H to come up with a plan to save this marriage if he wants it, and the tools are here.

You also said

This is a very important clue. You need to figure out what is missing. Read about needs, read about the four rules for a good marriage. REad about Harley's two policies of radical honesty and joint agreement. Evaluate yourself and see what it is you need and how you want/need your needs met. You cannot expect your H to understand you if you don't.

Pep, is right having an affair is a lazy way out of things. Let's see if your H will come up with a plan and some actions to save this marriage. Meanwhile ,use the tools herer to evaluate yourself and your expectations from a marriage. You will gain in the long run no matter how it turns out.

God Bless,

JL

Hi All-

Its been awhile since I last posted (April, 2010). Since then, H and I worked on things, getting back in touch, almost dating again, in essence. At the end of June, I moved back home and have been back since. The summer was not easy (my being back in the house, finding our way around each other, etc.), but we had a great time too. We vacationed together, did things around the house together stayed up late watching TV and slept in late, enjoying waking up together (we are both teachers). Though still cautious, by August/September, I was able to say things were going well with more confidence.

At the very beginning of November (just 2 days before our 3rd wedding anniversary), I came across a slip of paper in his wallet with a mailing tracking number. My stomach dropped, for some reason. I checked the tracking number, and H had mailed something to a San Francisco suburb. My H knows a lot of people around the country, so maybe this is just somebody he knows from a sports team? (My husband plays Australian Rules Football and there are lots of clubs around the country, so he's made a lot of new friends this way). Maybe its just somebody from
"Footy"? After all, OW lives in South Carolina right? Wrong! I checked her facebook later that day (not something I do very often because I know its unhealthy, but I guess its my way of keeping tabs.) Well, she's moved...to San Francisco! I confronted H about it and she'd called him in September to let him know she was moving - he wasted no time creating an alternate email account and they continued communication. Emailing each day, her sending him photos, renewing their feelings for one another.

He believes there is nothing wrong with wishing her well, etc. I said there was nothing wrong with it either, but that doesn't mean they can be friends and that he is continuing the A. I've tried to tell him that a relationship with both her and I cannot coexist. I have tried expressing to him the importance of MC since I moved back in June, but he resists. The other day he told me that MC is not going to change the way he feels about OW. Again, I am at a loss. I thought things were going well and the rug has been pulled out from under me. I have fallen back into a depression, and I constantly think about leaving him and filing for D. He thinks about leaving me because he doesn't know if he can get past what he had with her. I don't want to keep doing this separation thing, he turns on the charm, I believe that this time it can work, I come back, and then it turns into another false recovery. He says he thought things were going well too but then I ask him how well was it REALLY going if he wasted no time getting back in touch with OW? He just shrugs. I feel like this marriage is going to end when it doesn't have to, but I CANNOT think of what else to do! I can do all I want, try to fill his LB, etc. but it seems like I will never be her and so I am just wasting my energy.

He is still not totally emotionally committed to the relationship. Sure, we have fun together, do things together, have a sex life, etc. But I have zero trust in him and I just feel lost. I've read the material here on MB, and I've read other books. I go to my therapist, and H goes to his. But I keep trying to express to him that we lack proper skills of communication, etc. - you know, the kind of stuff you would learn to work together with in MC. It seems as though as long as he's with me, he's going to want her. But I know for a fact (because I've seen it before) that once he loses me (and has her), he wants me.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm making tons of excuses but if it seems like I am, hit me with it. I can deal with tough love

I just don't know what to do.

Hi there and let me say I'm sorry you are still dealing with all the problems an affair brings to a marriage.
I guess if you still want to save your marriage you are going to have to follow the steps the vets give you. Your husband is still attached to the OW and he is still in the affair fog thinking that goes with that........
He isn't in your marriage 100% and that needs to happen first.........I think you sit him down and tell him it's you or her and until he stops all contact with the OW you can't work together to save the marriage.......
If he refuses, then expose the affair again to everyone that is important to him.
Expose to both your families, the OW's family and friends as well.
You just keep telling your husband you love him and you are fighting for your marriage........he will never be able to go withdrawal from the OW if the contact never stops.
Then you treat him with respect and honesty................you have been here for a while, you have read all the steps........it's the only way it works.........
Don't feel sorry for yourself, get your plan together, remember the one thing the OW didn't realize was how smart you can be...............every success in life starts with a great plan..............
This situation is going to take a lot of patience on your part......time for your husband to get over the OW..........marriages are worth it...........the fog just have to lift for him.............
If he moves out, let him really feel what it will be like to lose you for good.........
good luck