I was here two years ago, read, posted and did not take much advice. My W was in what appeared to be an emotional affair. I confronted etc and it seemed like it fizzled out, but I don't really know that. I basically did nothing and hoped it would go away. It went underground.

Anyways long story short, I caught her in a new affair with a neighbor down the street. She has been letting his dog out for him from time to time and other stuff. I had asked her several time about it as I was getting bad vibes and there was lots of txting emails phone calls facebook etc between them. Too much for just letting dogs out. I confirmed it by snooping into emails and her facebook. I have confronted both of them and told everyone that will listen. I've told her family and friends that are still speaking to me. When all this happened she became erratic and pushed and hit me in the groin. I obtained a DV petition and she is out of the house till next week and maybe forever if my lawyer can convince the judge.

I am filing for divorce, I've cut her off financially and I have come to realize this woman emotionally abused me for years. She manipulated me into thinking I was not working hard enough to please her and that her "friends" were ok and that it was a trust issue.. my issue. Obviously I have no contact with her. There are some details I am working through but the bottom line is I am done.

Yes there is more to clean up but the bottom line is I feel like a fool. I was worked. I was taken advantage of and manned up to keep us together. We have no children together. My minor daughter (who I have sole custody of) lives with me.

How do I fix this for me? I still love her (truthfully the fake her that she presented to me) but I definitely am not going back. She has ADD and maybe a Personality Disorder.That diagnosis came from a counselor not me. Her personality is very hot headed and loud. She broke many things over our marriage throwing tantrums to get her way. Her fighting style is offensive only. She never apologizes or appears to feel sorry unless it benefits her. The counselor that I am seeing and who has seen her and us as a couple described her as toxic.

I am looking for insight. Next healing steps and how to move on.

RC

Sorry to hear that, it really breaks my heart to know that, but I think you are taking the right initiative here. If you are done then I say "so be it".

Right now though, you have a special opporunity to do yourself a favor, by learning and practising MB principles in order to improve yourself outside of a toxic relationship. In the next year or so take time to identify who you are, and what a stable relationship means. You can also set up boundaries for yourself, and practice being a great dad.

Further down the road (like a year from now) you should be able to identify with those who have strong boundaries, are able to uphold stable marriages, and be good mothers.

Right now though you will have to protect yourself in a divorce. Taks lawyers advice, and advice from vets who have been through divorce. Honestly I'm glad you do not share children between the two of you if she is as toxic as your counselor describes.

I felt RELIEF when I read your post that you booted her out. I seem to remember a couple of years ago - during her LAST affair - that she threatened to call the police and say she was "scared" if you insisted she end her OTHER affair with another neighbor.

She is bad news. I sure hope you can keep her out. You are doomed to a life of abuse and manipulation if you pursue a future with her. Your daughter does not deserve that.

Good for you for calling the police and getting her out of there!!

There is a very good program called DivorceCare which is a wonderful source of support. It is religiously based, but not so much so that it will turn you away if you're not religious.

I went through it twice.

It sounds like you've eliminated a cancer from your life. My advice is to not date for a loooooong time and enjoy the years you have left with your daughter.

Then, once she's out of the house and on her own, think about dating again.

p.s. please get a little pocket recorder to carry with you if you have to see her or speak to her again! She has already threatened to play the domestic card on you so there is no telling what she will do.

Hmm... Did you read Neak's "I Can't Believe He/She Would Stoop So Low" thread? (GD&R!)

I left a couple things out...I am a little frazzled at the moment.

If she comes back I am leaving. There IS NO MORE me and her.

She somehow managed to already get a DV on me too. My lawyer says since mine was first it trumps hers and will be perceived as reprisal.

I just don't know about dating, but I am incredibly lonely coming from the years of manipulation and I KNOW I'd fall hard for the first person that pays any attention to me. That scares me. I am ok alone but I'd rather have someone. I know I will have to work to clear the rubble.

Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement. It was the most difficult decision I have ever made. Even when I was at the magistrate court, I found myself thinking she will be mad and how that might affect me.

I have done a lot of things in the past few days that I never thought I could against her. What's ironic is professionally I am a take charge person. I don't have these problems. I think that is how I missed this?

As I look back over our life together it amazes me how I was in denial. I gave her complete control of our finances. When I took a second job to have spare money for me, she had a fit and insisted that I pay some bill with it. I picked the cell bill since this would leave a little for me. That would be the cell that she used to carry out both affairs. How does someone not feel guilty about that? I would not be able to sleep. FWIW I cancelled her phone early this week.

I am learning slowly... please kick me in the butt if I am not progressing or back pedaling. I wish I had listened to the good advice two years ago.

RC

I hope we are not now using that as an excuse to stay in situations that clearly are beyond the pale. WE have enough conflict avoiders on this forum without adding to the problem! There are some situations where divorce is the definition of success and I would certainly put this one in that category.

wow...do you know me?
I am a conflict avoider and I know it. I need to fix that.

I am not going back. I am not going to give in to the escalations anymore.

She is a control freak who is freaking that she has lost control of me and the resources I brought in. I saw that the night they took her out of the house. She messed stuff up, knocked my stuff all over, took things that were mine only (my dad's pocketknife that is valuable only to me) made sure to empty her lingerie drawer and leave it open for me to see. I cannot be abused anymore. I will not be abused anymore. No one deserves that.

I am sure she never thought I'd do it.

RC

As I stated in that thread, some WS do criminal acts and should be held responsible.
Dr. H says that the results of the A should fall directly upon the heads of the A partners, the BS should not shield them from the consequences.
This criminal act was a direct result of the A (or attempted exposure thereof)

It has amazed me how similar affairs are. I have read over and over here other people describing WS saying EXACTLY the same thing my WW says.

I wish she could get some help but she won't. Like the old quote "If wishes were fishes, I'd cast my net in the sea"

RC

RC,

You said Ok, here is a preemptive one One it is where your brain is supposed to be, not where you think it is

Step back and realize something you did not have a W, you had a woman in your life whose sole goal was to get as much from you as she could while giving as little as possible. That is not a marriage, and she was not, is not, and will not be a W. You are grieving over a fantasy.

I would also touch on what others have said, consider your daughter and the lessons you were teaching her by having this woman in your life and being successful at treating you so poorly.

Time to stand up for yourself and for a moral life lived well with people who you care for and actually care for you.

God Bless,

JL

PS: You don't need another woman in your life yet. You are so unready for any woman right now it isn't funny. You are still a conflict avoider, you still are having trouble seeing the truth, you are still fighting facing your mistakes, and you really don't know how to treat a woman. I know us guys say that the only words you need for a good marriage is "yes dear", but frankly women want men who know what they want as well as are willing to give what the woman wants. They want a partner not a slave. (Ok I know I am going to be hearing from women about this statement. ) Seriously, you are not ready to make a good contribution to a relationship.

Read, learn, heal, evaluate, and you will be ready.

I appreciate the candid response. Am I avoiding conflict if I agree with everything you say?

Seriously I am seeing a counselor who I am comfortable with has counseled my WW (so she knows better than me what has happened) and I am going to take her lead on this.

I have to question everything at this point. Point well taken.

My daughter is being amazing. The only thing that scares me is she needs to not feel like she has to take care of Dad. She is 17 and NEEDS her own life without worrying about me. Therefore I MUST get this right to allow her to move on and recover. Failure now is not an option. I have failed her enough.

I agree I am not ready for someone else. That will be way down the road. I messed up me. I need to fix me.

RC

RC,

Pleeeeeze don't take this the wrong way...given my own set of problems with WS who am I to take lightly someone elses problems, right?

If we don't laugh about the A, then we cry about the A. LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE...

Soooo here goes....


I just found that tid-bit hysterical. Yeah, she's been lettin that dog out and other stuff....



Couldn't resist. Don't hate me cuz I find humor in everything it just masks the pain I feel inside.

RC,

You said RC, what she needs is for you to be happy and for you to make decisions that you know you can live with. She needs your appreciation, and your guidance as she does NOT know more about life than you do. She needs a "Thank you" from you so that she knows she is appreciated by you.

RC she doesn't needs a superman, she simply needs you to be happy with your life and with her. You can do that.

Finally the preemptive 2x4 was my way of saying that people here care about you because it gives us all a good feeling to see someone turn their life around and be happy. It gives me even a better feeling to see someone do that, and then be able to reach out and help other people. You cannot do that as a conflict avoider now can you.

I liked your response by the way. It is not avoiding conflict to see a better path and take it.

More to say later but need to do some work.

JL

Wash your mind out, mitzie!

And BTW, a man shouldn't be called "Rose".

Sorry, RoseCroix. Mitzie made me say that.

SC,

You are right We could just call him "Red". Or Cross ;), or just RC.

JL

Come on, it was FUNNY, right?

SO serious, so serious, all the time, so serious....

"A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest men" a quote by the great Willy Wonka!

Surely, All you Vets are WISE, n'est-ce pas? OUI! OUI!

Mitzie,

Don't worry, your humor was/is appreciated. I picked up on what he said as well, and sort of chuckled. I laughed when you pointed out. Don't worry, I was actually pointing out his choice of names, more than addressing what you said.

Your cool , don't worry.

JL

Not Fair!

Everytime I try to be ironic, or less-than-doctrinaire about any topic, somebody hits the "NOTIFY MOD" button, and my contribution gets sent to the etherial cyber-(edit)-can!

RC - you seem to have your head
1 - on straight
2 - out of your butt!

Given the relative immediacy of your crisis, all I can say is: