Just ignore the pay donate button and glick on play. Plays for free.

I can't play it because I'm using a corporate laptop and they block fun things like that.

I'll try to play it from my personal PC tonight at home.

hi all - just an update - sorry about my other post, just some things on my mind that I am working through and not sure if I'm comfortable posting about right now. I don't know if it is good or bad for H to know my mindset right now, if he's still reading on this forum. I would not want him to see something I wrote and take it the wrong way, think that I was giving up or anything. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, maybe someone else has thoughts on that one.

Hi WPG. I hope everything works out for you. Take care of yourself and keeping you in my thoughts.

Hi all - I have been having a really hard time with deciding whether to post about what is going on or not. I'm completely confused and I just don't know what to do.

Here's the thing: since last week, we've had SF 3 times.

The first was one day last week when he wanted me to meet him at the house so he could p/u his stuff. Said he didn't have his keys with him. I was upstairs when he came in, and he came up and looked in the girls' rooms (which I completely redecorated, yay me!), said they were nice. Went in our bedroom and started pulling stuff out of drawers and closet. After he packed everything up he kind of just stood there for a minute. I told him that I still care about him very much, that I want our marriage to work and I want to be a good wife to him, that I believe we can both be better for each other, but that I understand I can't control things and that if he has made his decision I can't make him change his mind. I asked him if it was really what he wanted in his heart. He said a few things in response, he kind of scoffed a few times at some of the things I said, how even the words I say make him think about me and the OM - he's still got a lot of anger over what I did, but he let me talk. I asked him what had changed, since he had been staying and we'd been working on things, and then I felt like out of the blue he left...he said nothing had changed, the feelings hadn't gone away, that he can't look at me, he feels nauseous being intimate with me, that all he thinks about is me giving that to someone else. That he has to make this decision, because it is best for him. THEN he says, "I'll periodically have sex with you, though." I look at him kind of funny and say what? He repeats himself and adds, "No strings attached. It's just to fill a need." I said you can get that from anybody, why would you want me? He said, "Because you are the only one willing to do that." I asked what about me making you sick? He said something like "Because I want to see if it will go away." So I get up off the bed and start kissing him. He says, "This doesn't change anything. It's just sex." But, he looked me in the eyes while we were kissing. I told him I didn't want just SF with him, I wanted all of him. But I ended up having SF with him anyway.

Then he sends me a dirty text before coming to get the girls this weekend and we're intimate then. Another dirty text yesterday, but this time, when he was done, he literally jumped up and got dressed. Starts talking about DD#1's school project while getting dressed. I sat there on the bed staring at him, and he goes to the door. I follow him and stand there, and he gives me a quick kiss "bye" and leaves.

I didn't think he was like that. He has told me before he would never use me like that. And if I really made him so sick, then "things" (ahem) wouldn't work, right? I don't know, I'm not a man so I couldn't guess. If there was nothing there, he wouldn't want to have SF with me. That's what I am trying to tell myself. So I am trying to convince myself that the SF is a way for me to meet his needs, if that is the only one he is currently allowing me to meet.

Or, is it that he's saying I am not good enough to be his wife anymore, but I am good enough to be his wh*re and I am just too dumb to figure out that's what he means?

It hurts worse to have him for a little while and then he leaves again. I am not keeping it together very well. I am on AD's now but not long enough to really have a lot of effects. Trying to keep busy and when I do, I can be OK for a while. Still can't sleep (doc wouldn't give me anything for that, think he was concerned I would try to OD) and not really eating. 10 pounds down. I know I am not taking care of myself but most days I can't find it in me to care.

WPG,

I have no idea what to tell you. I don't know what is driving your BH's decision-making. Just wanted you to know you're being heard.

WPG:

You talked to DrH on the Phone right?

Your BH moved OUT of the house, right?

DrH advised you to let your Husband choose you.

He has. He may be riding the fence and eating cake. But for the past week, he has chosen YOU.

The SF may seem rather impersonal right now. IT may stay that way, and maybe you are expecting too much. But maybe, this is your hook, and your way back in.

He wants it to be NSA SF, but that doesn't ever exist. Not without alot of alcohol, usually... And alot of pain...

You can be available for some SF, becasue that is a pursuit of YOU, and you can insist on some standards. Not a WBTYM event, without even a kiss. Just a moment when its over for the two of you. And then ask for a little more.

If he is still in his A, then all bets are off. If, however, he is wanting to come back, listening to you in the bedroom, then having SF, is a start back to reconcilliation.

LG

Ummm..LG?

WPG's H is the BH. WPG is the FWW. Her BH asked WPG to move out, and when she wouldn't, he moved out.

WPG - I don't really know what to say other than that I'm cheering for you. When my dad passed, it was like a piece of my soul was torn out. I wasn't right in the head for 6 months.

When dad went, I leaned heavily on my W. I was trying to be strong for my mom and not go to pieces in front of my kids - I saved that for when they were not with us. I really came apart a few times - not just grief, but the guilt I felt for having been away for so many years.

I *suspect* that things came to a head for your BH when his dad died - he needed someone safe to express his grief to, but he no longer saw you as being safe.

Hang in there.

Glad some other people got in here for you, WPG.

I tend to agree. And you posted up something that sticks out to me as something you may not have weighed properly; he said he wants to see if the sick feeling will go away.

He's putting his toe in the water.

I can't remember who said it, and I'm too lazy to page back right now, but somebody said "he's running because he can't resist you."

You didn't want to believe it, but (just my opinion) I think it's absolutely true.

Well before all this A business, when FWW was more than happy to neglect me, I was fighting with everything I had to pull away from her, because her constant neglect and rejection was killing me inside. Yet, every time she asked for my time, I went right along with her. Every time she gave me an opportunity for SF, I tagged right along. This came to the tune of me being disappointed that I couldn't stop loving her, that I couldn't resist her, that I couldn't cut her out of my heart and mind.

Giving in was almost as painful as being rejected, because it gave me hope - and then I would be rejected again.

It is a sad, painful, confusing thing to love someone who hurts you.

Plan A, all the way. Use your window. KK?

I'm sorry, WPG. A few weeks after D-Day, I remember DH basically pulling me into the bedroom. Of course, I was happy that he wanted me. Then his assertiveness....changed. He started saying really dirty things, being more aggressive, he (I hate to be indelicate) held my head in place, got on me, and said "now I'm going to ****edit****....." I remember trying not to panic because I felt he was entitled but feeling like a part of me died inside. Finally my panic kicked in.

Later, DH said he was sorry for that......cried about it....felt like a "rapist" (his words). He will not talk about it at all, not that I would really want to.

That was not my DH that night....that was a man consumed with grief. Honestly, I do not think that made it right - and because he is a man of compassion, neither did he later. But being betrayed brings out reactions to pain that are totally out of character. Hang in there.

I do have to add this, however, whether anyone agrees or not. In August of 2006, it scared and hurt me......but I never made a deal out of it. If he had done it in August of 2007 or August of 2008.....that would have been a different story.

WPG,

He said, "Because you are the only one willing to do that."

That is a really profound statement, and one that struck me immediately, as that idea was part of my thinking after my W affair with OM2. It wasn't so much about my W being despicable for her actions, as it was about my W actions speaking volumes about my own worthlessness. My own worthlessness made me less attractive to other women, hence my W was the only game left for me.

And if I really made him so sick, then "things" (ahem)wouldn't work, right?

Well you are his W still and since, I think, he will not cheat on you than you are his only outlet by his standards. Men are also better at compartmentalizing sex and love.

Or, is it that he's saying I am not good enough to be his wife anymore

You are good enough to be his W, he just feels, although hidden, that he is not good enough to be your H.

God Bless
Gamma

I agree he is disappointed in himself and feels he doesn't deserve you..........recovery is a process of self reflection, for both of you.

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling like this and going through this.

I have been finding it hard to take care of myself the last few days. But if you start with something small, it helps get the ball rolling.

Just do you what you can, see friends if you can (sorry I don't what your situation is in that respect). Enjoy time with your children.

One day at a time. Also, think about the serenity prayer. Accept the things that you cannot change, change the things that you can and the wisdom to know the difference.

*Hugs* and hope things turn around for you.

Bit...

I haven't read every page, in the beginning, yes, in the middle, not as much, and then the last couple of pages.

I know that he is BH, and she the FWW. I also thought I read about the time he was leaving, that maybe there was someone else for her BH, maybe.

He is making the choice for her, however.

And that is good.

LG

STATUS!

Thank you for the support...I finally got a chance to get online and read all the responses - it has been a long day, had to go about 60 miles away for an all-day meeting about nothing. Ahhh, government.

After reading all the comments, I tried a little experiment - I texted H this afternoon with "so...just wondering...exactly how often is 'periodically'?" Unless he totally forgot what he said last week, he should have gotten the hint. Didn't receive a response, although I honestly didn't expect one.

I guess I'm not sure what it means NOT to pursue him, would a text like that come across as pursuit or something different (Plan A??)? Was it pursuit or something else when I casually inserted into an email that I was going for a run last weekend if he wanted to join me. I figured he wouldn't take me up on the offer, but I was still there just in case, and when it turned out to be too icy to run there, let him know "Oh well, plans have changed!" What about other gestures of affection - like gifts? I sent fudge and cookies with the kids last weekend, and I have something else I bought for him - it's not sappy and romantic, it's just something I thought would be fun for him. Would that kind of thing be pursuit, or just Plan A?

The issue of worthlessness, not being good enough for each other, etc...it kills me that my actions would cause him to think that about himself. POSOM was in no way better than H. A better manipulator, maybe. My A had nothing to do with H's worth, it was a decision I made - and attempted to justify - based on my boundaries becoming nonexistent, and letting myself be filled with resentment and bitterness. The only thing H and I share blame on was - and is - the condition of our M.

It's ironic, because I've never felt good enough for H, and now I feel as though I proved it, and I've been wondering if during this time that he would find someone else better than me. I've always thought H looked like a sexier Bruce Willis. His blue eyes, his smile, his humor could/would work wonders on a woman. They did for me. They still do.

I miss him. It sneaks up on me at the strangest times. One minute I'll be fine, the next I'm a sobbing heap. I'll hear a song, have a thought, see something on TV, and it hits me. I guess this is withdrawal, or something like it. I never went through this, never felt like this ending things with the POSOM. But this, now, it's like my heart is coming apart. And nobody to blame for it but me.

OK, and just b/c LoveisaChoice4me asked for it -

DD#1's room:


DD#2's room:


Whadd'ya think? I still need some artwork on the walls but haven't had a chance to paint anything yet. I have always thought if I ever change careers, I want to be an interior decorator!

Those are just gorgeous!

Wow those are beautiful rooms! Nice job:)

Thanks Sugar & LL! Next on my list: I want to change up the master bedroom (I'd actually already chosen new bedding for our room and ordered it before H sent me the separation email), alphabetize our DVD collection (yeah, exciting, I know), and organize and clean out the 2 "junk" closets and the master BR closet. I've already taken a couple boxes of stuff from the attic to Goodwill.

I have to bring order out of chaos in this house, regardless of whether H comes back home or not.